Star Trek: Celestial: Season 1
by Swordtail
Summary: If your tired of constantly seeing only Starfleet's best and brightest, this is the series for you. That's about all there is to say about it really...Season 1 complete. Please read and reveiw if you can stand it :
1. Celestial 1

**Star Trek: Celestial**

USS Celestial - Opaka Class

See Appendix A

Crew:

Captain Righteous - Bajoran religious fundamentalist. He puts praying to the Prophets before his oath to the Federation.

Commander Senseless - Despite his name, he is the only person on the ship with any common sense. It is his job to keep Righteous from getting them all killed.

Lieutenant-Commander Genocide - Tactical Officer. He loves any excuse to destroy something, which is why his quarters are always in a trillion pieces.

Lieutenant Toc Baque - Helmsman. He questions every order and starts arguments with everyone.

Ensign Center - Ops guy. He is a total suck up and does everything the Captain tells him to in an attempt to get promoted. He never will though.

Lieutenant Greaser - Chief engineer. She is a complete bch and is hated by everyone she meets. She also strikes fear into the hearts of her subordinates. She is a Bolien.

Lieutenant Bios - Her favorite past time is ripping apart the main computer (usually while the ship is at warp) and relocating parts of it onto other decks. Bios is a Bynar, science officer.

Doctor Puker - Chief Medical Officer, his childhood hero was a proctologist. Enough said.

Ensign Stoner - Doctor's assistant. Vulcan. Annoying.

Admiral Spot - The result of the mixing of Data's cat, a genetic experiment gone wrong, and Starfleet Academy's "accept every species" policy.

The USS Celestial was originally called the USS Punisher. It was designed to fight the Breen but has not been living up to its former name ever since Righteous became captain. The whole thing is a big joke back at Starfleet HQ, where a bunch of fleet admirals thought it would be funny to put a Bajoran Vedek in charge of a Federation warship. Bets have been made over how long until the Celestial is destroyed.

Righteous - Space...the final frontier...these are the voyages of the starship Celestial...its continuing mission...to convert strange, new worlds...to seek out new life and new civilizations (and convert them)...to boldly pray like no one has prayed before–

Senseless - Oh come on! That's not how it goes! Give me that microphone.

Senseless - Space...a dangerous frontier...these are the chronicles of the warship Celestial...its continuing mission...to destroy strange, new worlds...to conquer new life and hostile civilizations...to boldly fight what no one has fought before. There, say it right next time.

Scene 1 - The USS Celestial is at Warp 1.5 because Lieutenant Bios accidently damaged the main deflector and is in the process of testing her repaired version. Meanwhile on the bridge, the crew are griping about everything as usual.

Righteous - Dear Emissary...

Senseless - Ah come on! That's the third time in the last ten minutes!

Genocide - Look at all those planets. So big. So defenseless.

Center - Those are stars, reject.

Genocide - You're a fine one to talk!

Baque - Why the hell are we going at warp 1.5? This ship can do warp 9.9997. Who the hell let Bios near the main deflector?

Greaser - the same idiot that let her at the toilet settings on deck 3. You can't have a crap without getting soaked.

Center - Captain! There is a transmission coming in from the Fourth Fleet! They say that the Breen have developed a new energy dampener weapon that affects our ships. 68 of the fourth fleet has already been destroyed.

Greaser - god help us all.

Righteous - you're right! We do need divine intervention. Helm, set a course for the wormhole, maximum warp!

Senseless - What? Bajor's halfway across the Federation! That's 4000 light-years away!

Righteous - Well we'll just have to step on the antimatter. Mr. Baque, set a course bearing 4311 mark 33.48. Warp 9.91.

Baque - Why do I have to do it?

Center - Because you're the helmsman...sir. And because the Captain said so.

Baque - Fine but I'm putting the ship into auto piolet.

Righteous - Fair enough.

Baque presses a few buttons. The ship changes course. Baque gets up and starts to head for the turbolift.

Righteous - Where do you think you're going?

Baque - to my quarters to get some sleep.

Righteous - Get back to your station.

Baque - But we won't be at Bajor for 15 hours!

Righteous - Too bad. Sit down.

Senseless - I'm going to sickbay to get some aspirin for this headache.

Senseless leaves.

Greaser - I'd better go keep Bios away from the Warp core.

Genocide - Is there even the remote chance that we might get to shoot something?

Greaser - Sure why not.

Greaser and Genocide leave.

Righteous - Oops! Prayer time. Every hour on the hour!

Center - I'll go too!

Righteous and Center leave.

No-name #1 - I need to go get my tetenis shot.

No-name #1 leaves, leaving Baque alone on the computer controlled bridge.

Baque - Real mature, morons!

Scene 3 - Briefing room. All the senior staff are present except Righteous (actually they tend to hold meetings when Righteous is off praying for the very reason that he is not present).

Senseless - Ok. Science department, report.

Bios - I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've fixed the main deflector.

Senseless - and the bad news?

Bios - In the process of repairing it I blew out the hologrid.

Genocide - So how the hell am I supposed to take my anger out on people if I can't take it out on holograms?

All of a sudden a big smile crosses his face. A no-name that was showing a PADD to Commander Senseless screams and runs for the door. Through the door the crew can hear him telling other no-names of Lieutenant-Commander Genocide's new hobby. Through the briefing room window escape pods can be seen leaving the ship. But because the Celestial is at warp, and because they are no-names, the pods' structural integrity fails and one by one the pods implode.

Senseless - Damn it, not again. Anyway, Medical?

Puker - I've administered the crews' tetenis shots. The crew won't have to worry about getting killed by rust.

Genocide - Yeah now all they have to worry about is me.

Five more escape pods leave the ship.

Senseless - Would you shut up! Tactical, what's the status of the weapon systems and shields?

No one says anything.

Senseless - Fine, Lieutenant, you can talk now. What's the status of the weapons?

Genocide - How should I know.

Senseless puts his head in his hands and lets out a sigh. On one side of the table Baque and Center are having a mercy fight and on the other side Greaser and Stoner are bch slapping each other. Bios is dismantling the briefing table's built in computer and Dr. Puker is preforming open heart surgery on a no-name.

Puker - OK, I know it's unconventional, but I'm going to access your heart through your mouth.

No-name #2 - I only have a splinter.

Senseless - Jesus Christ! What is this? A starship or a daycare?

Scene 3 - Captain Righteous' quarters. Righteous closes his mint condition Orb that he bought on E-bay. His combadge beeps.

Righteous - Righteous here.

No-name #1 - Captain, there is a priority one communication for you from Admiral Spot.

Righteous - Route it here.

Beep.

Righteous - Hello, ma'am. Beautiful day on Earth I hear!

Spot - hiss translation (It's raining and I hate rain!)

Righteous - With the Prophets in control it never rains and everyone is happy until they die of thirst.

Spot - hiss pur meow ( You fing idiot! Thanks to your little cross galaxy detour, the entire Fourth Fleet was destroyed by the Breen.)

Righteous - Well at least they're with the Prophets now.

Spot - SHUT UP! Ur..um..meow hiss.

Righteous - yes ma'am.

Spot - pur ( The Celestial has been reassigned to the Ninth Fleet. My fleet. I'm going to kill that idiot Admiral Ross. Picard, Shields and now you. Why am I always stuck with the stupid captains?)

Righteous - Guess you're just lucky.

Spot - hiss (SHUT THE HELL UP! Turn your ass around and go meet the Saratoga. And if you ever pull a stunt like the one you just pulled, I'll personally come over and claw up all of your religious shit. Spot out.)

Spot hits her comm off button so hard that it causes Righteous' screen to blow up.

Righteous - Sheesh, how was I supposed to know we were part of the Fourth Fleet.

Righteous goes to the bridge and on his way to his chair passes the ship registration plaque that says in big bold letters: USS CELESTIAL - FOURTH FLEET.

Scene 4 - Bridge

Righteous - Helm, set a course for the USS Saratoga.

Baque - Which one?

Righteous - The Galaxy Class one.

Baque - Oh thanks, that narrows it down to a mere seven.

Senseless - (sigh) NCC - 31482.

Righteous - How'd you know that? Have you been tapping my communications?

Senseless - Well someone's got to.

The sound of a ship dropping out of warp fills the bridge.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, the warp core just went offline!

Everyone looks at Bios.

Bios - Hey, just cause it was me the last 238 times doesn't mean it was me this time.

Little do they know, a temporal portal has opened inside the warpcore and Binky the Mistreated targ is clogging up one of the deuterium injectors. Camera is in engineering.

Greaser - Something's in the injector assembly. The pressure is rising.

Greaser walks over to the reactor chamber and unlocks the reactor cap.

Greaser - Baseball mitts everyone.

All twelve of the engineering crew, even the ones on the upper and lower levels, reluctantly put on their baseball mitts.

With a huge bang Binky flies out of the reactor, a trail of antimatter exploding on his tail. He plows through two no-names, killing them instantly, and goes through the bulkhead. Greaser, who was knocked over when Binky glanced her shoulder, gets up and is quite rudely hit in the head by a tribble which some suicidal no-name has dropped on her from the upper level. Some other no-names close the reactor and the Celestial goes back to warp.

Scene 5 - Bridge. Tetenis shots have just been administered to the senior staff.

Stoner - So the Klingon says, "That's not a targ, it's my mother."

Everybody sits still blinking.

Stoner - That's a joke. You're supposed to laugh, I think.

Center - Right...Hey what the hell? We've dropped out of warp again!

Greaser - What? Jesus Christ! If that targ is backing up the injectors again...

Baque - IDIOTS! Check the sensors! We've reached the Saratoga!

Righteous - Oh goodie! Hail them please.

Center - Yes sir, right away sir, with pleasure sir –

Senseless - JUST DO IT!

Beep.

Righteous - Hello, Captain Farfetched!

Farfetched - Good morning, jackass.

Righteous - I don't understand.

Baque - You don't understand anything.

Farfetched - I had a lot of friends in the Fourth Fleet, jackass.

Righteous - I didn't think...

Baque - That's right you don't think.

Farfetched - Well, anyway, here's your stupid orders. Saratoga out.

Righteous - Well ain't that just a kick in the crotch.

Baque - No THIS is a kick in the crotch!

Baque jumps up and is running for the Captain when two no-names restrain him.

Scene 6 - Binky runs at full speed in circles around the main corridor on deck 7, followed closely by two no-names, who are firing phaser compression rifles but can't hit the broad side of a Borg Cube. Binky runs into a turbolift and says:

Binky - Wheee!

The turbolift moves up to deck one.

Senseless - Huh?

Genocide - Fresh meat!

The senior staff whip out their phasers, all except Righteous who steps in front of the targ.

Righteous - The targ shall not be harmed...

Binky lets out a sigh, happy to finally find someone who will be nice to him.

Righteous - ...until tonight. The Prophets demand a sacrifice.

Before Binky can run Righteous grabs him by the tail. Binky flails around and hits Baque in the head, knocking him out, before Righteous gives the targ to Center who sedates him.

Senseless - Bios, take Lieutenant Baque to sickbay. Man, if Admiral Spot gets wind of this we're all dead.

Scene 7 - Sickbay

Puker is packing up some things. Bios walks in.

Bios - Doc, give me a hand getting him on the biobed.

Puker - Don't think so. I'm off duty.

Bios - Then get Ensign Stoner to treat him.

Puker - She's off duty too.

Bios - Fine I'll do it myself.

Bios reaches under the biobed and grabs a "Surgery for Dummies" book.

Bios - Ok, step 1. Insert subdermal probe into–hey doc, what's subdermal mean?

Puker - Damn it bios I'm a doctor not a dictionary. I don't know. Bye, good luck!

Bios - Computer, activate the EMH.

EMH - Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Bios - He has a bad concussion.

EMH - What is the status of your doctor?

Bios - He's a dumbass. Heal this patient.

EMH - say the magic word!

Bios - OK. Computer, delete the EMH, authorization–

EMH - Right away. See what happens when you ask politely?

Bios, who is now engrossed in the internal mechanics of a medical tricorder, isn't paying attention and walks into the wall next to the door.

Scene 8 - Messhall. Some no-names are stuffing Binky full of food.

No-Name #3 - Here, have an apple.

No-Name #4 - Hey, move over. I wanna feed the targ!

While the two no-names fight with each other, Binky makes a slow wobbling run for the door. The door opens revealing Genocide and Senseless. Genocide looks at the two no-names and raises his phaser.

Genocide - IDIOTS!

Senseless - God what did I do to deserve this misery?

Genocide picks up the targ.

Genocide - OK Mister...um, Commander, What's his name?

Senseless - I've checked the Klingon Historical Archives. According to school records he's an escaped targ named Binky.

Genocide - That's not a very Klingon name.

Senseless - He's not a very Klingon targ. Look at him. What kind of warrior stuffs his face when he's about to be killed?

No-Name #3 - A hungry one?

Pzzzzzt!

No-Name #4 - A brave one?

Pzzzzzt!

Genocide - Wrong answers!

Senseless - Stop killing our entertainment!

As if on cue, two no-names wearing tuxedos, top hats and canes run by singing.

No-Name # 5 and 6 - Ya ta ta-ta ta, Ya ta ta-ta ta, Ya ta ta-ta ta taaaa!

Pzzzzzzzt!

Senseless - What was that for!

Genocide - I hate Broadway show tunes.

Senseless - That's it, you're relieved of duty.

Genocide - OH, SCORE!

Senseless - On second thought, get to the bridge.

Genocide - DAMN IT!

Scene 9 - Deck 7. Baque stumbles around crashing into walls. Greaser walks up cursing about something.

Baque - What's wrong Chief?

Greaser - EVERYTHING!

Baque - Ah! Trouble in Engineering again.

Greaser - Those stupid no-names were roasting marsh mellows over a warp plasma conduit again. And the worst part is they wouldn't give me any!

Baque - Let me guess. You shoved them into the warp core head first.

Greaser - No, of course not. That would be too easy. I told them that there was a big bag of pre-roasted marsh mellows just off the port nacelle. Last I saw of them they were heading for the shuttlebay. I'm going to go watch them suffocate. Wanna come?

Baque - Can't. I'm due on the Bridge ten minutes ago. Hey, I'm the only one who can fly the ship.

Scene 10 - Bridge. Baque steps out of the turbolift and sees 4 no-names fighting over the helm.

Baque - OK, let me rephrase that. I'm the only one who is _qualified_ to fly the ship.

Baque kicks the no-names out of the way and takes his station. He is there for a mere 20 seconds when he hears the intercom come on an the sound of a siren fills the bridge.

Baque - Shit! It's the cops.

Federation Police Cruiser - You are traveling at warp 6 in a warp 5 zone. Please deactivate your engines and prepare to be boarded. Huh? Er...and...you have the right to remain crazy. Any sanity you have can and will be destroyed in a court of law.

Baque - Eat my ions, assholes!

Baque increases speed to warp 9.9 and raises shields.

Baque - Ha ha ha ha OH SHIT!

The police ship fires torpedoes at the Celestial.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

The red alert klaxons go off. Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, Center and Stoner run onto the bridge.

Senseless - What the hell?

Baque - We're under attack!

Genocide - Thank you Captain Obvious!

Baque - That's Lieutenant Obvious to you...sir.

Center - Why are we being fired upon by a Federation Police Ship?

Righteous - Crap! They'll find my stolen Orbs!

Genocide - They'll find my stolen weapons!

Stoner - They'll find my stolen logic!

Senseless - They'll find you're all insane and I can finally get out of here. All stop.

Baque looks at Righteous

Righteous, Genocide, Stoner - STEP ON IT!

Baque - Increasing speed to warp 9.97.

Center - They're targeting our warpcore!

Righteous - Now why would they go and do a thing like that? They're supposed to be targeting our engines.

Baque - It's all your stupid Orbs. The radiation is interfering with their targeting scanners.

Righteous - Hey, leave the Orbs out of this.

Baque - They're the who point of the conversation!

WHAM! Ship lurches violently, sparks and debris. Science console explodes. Bios walks onto the bridge.

Bios - What! I just fixed that console!

Stoner - That's probably why it's broken.

Greaser - Engineering to Bridge, we've got coolant leaks down here.

Camera is in Engineering.

Greaser - You and you, seal those leaks. You, charge up the secondary deflector, I've got a feeling we'll need it. You, keep those conduits from rupturing. And you, replace those damaged gel packs up there. I'll stand over here where it's safe.

The engineering crew look at each other in terror. Finally they decide that it's safer to do their dangerous tasks than to face Greaser for hell hath no fury like that of an angry Bolion.

No-Name #7 - I'd better get paid good for this.

He says as he walks into a cloud of corrosive warp coolant and dies a painful slow death of course.

Back to the Bridge...

Center - This is odd, I'm detecting Breen life signs as well as human on that ship.

Senseless - They must have taken prisoners.

Center - Are the prisoners supposed to outnumber the crew 20 to one?

Senseless - Well maybe they have really good security guards.

He shoots and angry glare at Genocide.

KA-BOOM!

Baque - Warp drive is offline!

Bios pulls her head out of her damaged console.

Bios - Oh sorry. That time it was me.

Center - They're still targeting out warp core, Captain.

Righteous - OK, I guess maybe we should return fire now.\

Senseless - No... ya think? Mr. Genocide, fire at will!

Genocide - God I love my job.

The Celestial empties it's aft torpedo launcher into the now Breen ship.

Genocide - Turn the ship around and face them. Loading forward torpedo launchers.

Senseless - You know, there are such things as phasers.

Genocide - I know, but this is more fun. YE-HAW!

Beep! Genocide slams his hand down on the wrong button. The main deflector goes offline and disconnects from the ship. As Baque turns the Celestial, the massive deflector floats out the front of the ship and crashes into the Police Cruiser, destroying both.

Baque - You, IDIOT!

Genocide - Oops. Hey, it's not like we needed that or anything. I mean, it was just taking up space and all, right? Someone please say right?

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, what the hell happened?

Senseless - One word: Genocide.

Greaser - Oh that explains it. Greaser out.

Righteous - Advise Starfleet that we need a new deflector. Divert power to the secondary deflector and resume course.

Baque - Ah, Captain? What _is_ our course? After our encounter with the Saratoga I just kept going in a straight line. What were our orders?

Righteous - Our orders, well let's see...

Righteous picks up a PADD.

Righteous - Our orders are "go to hell." Guess that means...Helm, set course for the Breen home world.

Senseless - Yep, I'm going to die here.

Righteous - Nonsense, Senseless. Oh yeah, sacrifice time. All senior staff report to the Mess hall.

Scene 11 - Messhall. About 30 crew members are present, mostly Bajorans, along with all the senior staff.

Righteous - Blah blah (long speech about religion.) Bring in the sacrifice!

Genocide wheels in a cage. Inside is a terrified Binky who has wet himself repeatedly. Genocide opens the cage, grabs Binky and slams him down on a table in front of righteous. Over in a corner Senseless is banging his head against the wall.

Bios turns to Greaser.

Bios - Did you make a new main deflector?

Greaser - Yeah, I tore apart some shuttles and used their parts. Don't worry, shuttles are easy to replace.

Righteous raises a butter knife above Binky.

Righteous - Due to budget cuts, we can't afford the ceremonial ruby-studded dagger.

With a yell, Righteous brings the knife down and—

WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.

Binky is thrown across the room as the ship shakes and the butter knife goes through the cardboard table.

Righteous - We also can't afford tables, or inertial dampeners for that matter.

Intercom - All hands, battle stations!

Senseless - Leave the targ alone and get to your stations. Talk about timing.

Binky calms down for a moment until he sees a phaser blast hit the shields in front of the messhall windows.

Scene 12 - Bridge. The senior staff stumble out of the turbolift and take their stations.

Genocide - We're under attack!

Baque - Thank you, Lieutenant-Commander Obvious!

Genocide - Hey, two wrongs don't make a right, they just make war.

Baque - Oh so what did we ever do to the Dominion?

Genocide - During a heated negotiation someone said "your mom" to a founder.

Senseless - Hello? If you two are done contemplating the meaning of life, would one of you be so kind as to enlighten us as to _who_ is attacking us?

Genocide - Several Breen warships.

Righteous - Now why would Breen be attacking us here?

Senseless - Oh, I don't know...maybe it has something to do with the fact that we're in Breen space?

Righteous - How'd we get here?

Senseless - You ordered us here, moron. God, you're so stupid you make the Pakleds look like the Q!

WHAM!

Righteous - Well isn't this a dilly of a pickle!

WHAM!

Senseless - That's it! I'm getting off this ship!

Senseless runs into the Captain's ready room and opens the escape pod hatch.

Senseless - I've got a better chance of surviving out there with the Breen than on one of the Federation's most powerful warships!

Righteous - Starship, Commander, starship.

Senseless - ARGG! Oh and I'm taking the targ!

Senseless grabs Binky who somehow got onto deck one and climbs into the pod and hits the eject button.

Center - Well it's safe to say he's dead.

Genocide - Actually no. While who guys were bhing at each other, I took the liberty of destroying the Breen ships. Those WHAMs you heard were the result of Lieutenant Baque not paying attention and flying us through the debris field.

Baque - You know what? I think I hate you more than I hate Ensign Center.

Center - What! Now I'm not popular. Damn it.

Righteous - All senior staff report to the breifing room. We need to decide who gets to be the new Commander.

Genocide - Wouldn't that be my job?

Righteous - Actually I was thinking more of Ensign Center.

Center - Ha! I get to outrank you guys!

Righteous - I was thinking more of just giving you the position of EXO and leaving you at the same rank.

Center - Damn it. Foiled again.

No-Name #8 laughs. Genocide give her the evil eye.

No-Name #8 - Ya, ya. I'll do it.

No-Name #8 shoots herself.

Righteous - Well ain't that a kick in the crotch.

Baque - No THIS is a kick in the crotch.

This time there are no no-names to restrain him.

Scene 13 - Sickbay. The Celestial is repairing after the battle. Bios is fixing the sickbay door.

Bios - Hey doc, hold this while I screw it into the door motor.

Puker - Damn it Bios, I'm a doctor not a door hinge.

Bios - Computer, activate the EMH.

EMH - Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Bios - This door has a severe dislocation of the upper and lower runners.

EMH - What's the status of your doctor?

Bios - Still a dumbass.

The EMH helps fix the door while Bios curses under her breath.

Scene 14 - Strange new world. Camera shows an escape pod crashed in a swamp. Inside...

Senseless is smashing Binky against the pods door.

Senseless - Why - WHAM! - won't - WHAM! - this - WHAM! - door - WHAM! - open - WHAM! - CRASH!

The door finally gives way and Senseless gets out and sinks knee deep into the swamp.

Senseless - Good thing my uniform is stain proof.

Senseless grabs Binky by the tail (the only part of him that isn't submerged) and starts off in a random direction.

Senseless - Oh, yeah. Equipment.

He turns around in time to see the top of the pod sink beneath the swamp.

Senseless - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Binky squirms and tries to get away.

Senseless - First I'm going to make you a leash.

Senseless pulls a vine off a nearby tree, along with several birds' nests full of eggs, which Binky eats while Senseless puts on the leash.

Senseless - I wish I had a tricorder.

Binky goes into a convulsion and barfs up a tricorder from Voyager and a Type II Phaser from the Celestial.

Senseless - Great! Now all we have to do is walk all over the planet and hope that Breen space is invaded by the Federation so we can be rescued. Damn it. Why can't escape pods have warp drive?

Scene 15 - Breifing room, USS Celestial. All senior staff are sitting around the table.

Righteous - First, pray to the Prophets. Blah, blah, blah...

On one side of the table Baque and Center are having a mercy fight and on the other side Greaser and Stoner are bih slapping each other. Bios is re-assembling the breifing table's built in computer and Dr. Puker is preforming open heart surgery on a no-name.

No-Name #2 - Doc, the splinters in my finger, not my liver.

Righteous - Blah, blah–HEY!

Everyone puts their hands together and bows their heads.

Righteous - Blah, blah, amen. OK. Genocide, you're the new EX-O.

Center - I thought I was.

Righteous - The Prophets disagreed.

Genocide - Who'll be the tactical officer?

Righteous - Good question. Ummmm... You there! No-Name! How much do you know about phasers?

No-Name #2 - What's a phaser?

Righteous - Excellent! You're the new chief security officer.

Baque - Does that mean we can't "accidently" kill him?

Righteous - You betcha. You there, I hereby promote you to the rank of Lieutenant. Here's your name tag.

No-Name #2(a.k.a. Lieutenant Tener) - Yeah! Score! Go me.

Righteous - Well if that's all, GET BACK TO WORK!

Two no-names at the door misunderstand the command and pick up Baque and carry him onto the bridge.

Genocide - Ass holes!

Pzzzzt! Pzzzzt!

Righteous - Note to self: Install weapon dampeners throughout ship.

Baque - OW! Hey, that floor's hard!

Center - Captain, there is a priority one communication for you from Admiral Spot.

Righteous - I'll take it in my ready room.

Righteous walks to his ready room and activated his view screen, which has been patched up with duct tape.

Righteous - Hello, ma'am. How's everything on Earth?

Spot - meow hiss pur (it's still raining and now my house is leaking.)

Righteous - Maybe you should move to another planet, like Frenginar.

Spot - meow (ass hole.)

Righteous - I lost Commander Senseless.

Spot - meow pur (good job, ass hole.)

Righteous - You're looking well today, ma'am.

Spot - meow hiss hiss pur meow (I'm soaking wet! What the hell does that have to do with anything anyway? Just go find Commander Senseless.)

Righteous - By the way, what were our orders?

Spot - meow hiss pur (they were "go to hell." I was kidding. You didn't have any orders. You were supposed to stay at the location the Saratoga was at and wait until the almighty Federation Council decided what to do with you.)

Righteous - Oops. Um, we're still at war with the Breen, right?

Spot - pur (actually the peace talks have been going quite well, why do you ask?)

Righteous - Oh, no reason. I'll...I'll go find Senseless. Righteous out–

spot - HISS (YOU DID WHAT! If you fire on one more Breen ship, I'll come over and claw YOU up!)

Spot hits her com off button so hard that Righteous' screen falls out of the wall revealing a small cavity where it used to be.

Righteous - Hey! I found my missing sock!

Scene 17 - Righteous walks onto the bridge.

Righteous - OK, children of the Prophets.

Genocide - Remind me to destroy the wormhole.

Baque - Remind me to become more atheist.

Bios - Remind me to fix the self-destruct system.

Righteous - Remind me who's in charge here?

Everyone shuts up.

Righteous - That's better. Now, the Breen told us to get the f out of their space, and Starfleet told us to find Commander Senseless. It doesn't take a hobo on the streets of a planet in the DMZ to figure out we have a problem. Whose orders should we follow?

Jeopardy music, everyone is scratching their heads.

Tener - Why don't we separate the ship and send one section back to Federation space and keep another section here to look for Commander Senseless?

Center - That's not a half ass bad idea!

Righteous - I knew he'd come in handy.

Tener beams with pride.

Righteous - OK, Ensign center, prepare to separate the saucer-section.

Stoner - Technically, it's not a saucer. Call it the "forward section."

Baque - How'd you get here?

Righteous - Excellent! Lieutenant Tener, take command of the stardrive section and report to Starbase 143.

Tener - Damn it!

Scene 18 - Battle bridge. Lieutenant Tener is sitting in the big chair looking pissed.

No-Name #7 - What's our course supposed to be, sir?

Tener - Shut up.

No-Name #7 - Yes sir...What's our course sir?

Tener shoots No-Name #7

Tener - About time I'm allowed to do that.

Thanks to the angry lieutenant, no one's flying the ship and the Celestial's stardrive rear-ends a Federation cargo ship.

Tener - Ah, shit!

Beeoweep!

No-Name #8 - We're being hailed.

Tener - On screen.

Beep.

Tellerite - You'd better have insurance.

Tener (sweating) - Well, I'm not the captain...please don't kill me.

No-Name #8 - Ah, sir? They're unarmed and we've got a quantum torpedo launcher and two phaser arrays.

Tener - Oh yeah.

Tellerite - Well?

Tener - F you.

Tellerite - We've got Risan beets and we're not afraid to use them!

Tener - We've got weapons and we're not afraid to use them either.

Tellerite - Risan beets can be used as a weapon but good point. Besides, it's not like you did any damage or anything. We've still got one deck pressurized. Cargo ship out.

Tener - That was a close one. Damage report.

No-Name #8 - The paint's scratched.

Tener - Ah, man! Genocide's going to kill me! Oh wait a minute, I'm not a no-name anymore. OK, Genocide's going to kill _you_!

No-Name #8 - Crap.

Scene 19 - Planet. Senseless and Binky are strolling through a field. Senseless looks up and sees a bird diving at him.

Senseless - Oh no you don't!

Senseless grabs Binky by the tail and uses him as a bat to hit the confused bird.

Wheee! WHACK! Caw! Gotch'ya!

Scene 20 - Messhall, saucer section. Several no-names are having a bar fight. Genocide and Center enter.

Genocide - What the hell is going on?

No-Name #9 - He started it!

(He points at No-Name #10)

Genocide - And I'm going to end it!

Genocide pulls out his phaser and–click!

Genocide - Hey! Why isn't my phaser working?

Center - Captain Righteous had weapon dampeners installed on every deck.

Genocide - Great! So now, every time an enemy boards us, we just let them take over without a fight. Superb philosophy.

Genocide pulls a phaser compression rifle out of nowhere.

Center - That won't work either.

Genocide - Wanna bet?

Center - Sure.

Genocide smashes No-Name #9 and 10 over the head repeatedly.

No-Name #10 - AH! This is the worst pain ever!

All of a sudden and for no reason, Worf materializes in the room holding a micro-torpedo launcher. He empties the clip and destroys everything in the room including the two no-names.

Worf - ENOUGH COMPLAINING! I NEED SLEEP! GOD DAMN IT!

Genocide and Center decide to leave before Worf reloads.

Scene 21 - Bridge. Present staff are Righteous, Genocide, Baque, Center, Bios, Stoner, and 3 no-names.

WHAM!

Righteous - What in the Celestial Temple was that?

Bios - Baque, pay attention! You hit another piece of Breen ship.

Righteous - Damage report please.

Center - GOOD LORD! The entire stardrive section has been destroyed!

Baque - Ass hole.

Genocide - Jackass.

Stoner - Illogical bastard.

Bios - Where's my hypospanner?

No-Name #11 - Cabbage?

No-Name #12 - Breen.

No-Name #13 - Stupid, unlucky #13.

Righteous - Dear Emissary...

WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.

Center - That wasn't supposed to happen.

Baque - Ass hole.

Genocide - Jackass.

Stoner - Logical bastard.

Bios - Where's my tricorder?

No-Name #11 - Cabbage?

No-Name #12 - BREEN!

No-Name #13 - There is no way I'm going to live long..

Righteous - Amen.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

No-Name #12 - Breen! Breen! Bree–

Genocide - We heard you the third time! Shut up!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Righteous - Why is my ship falling apart?

Baque - Because it's your ship!

No-Name #12 - **BREEN!**

Pzzzzzt! (From Genocide)

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Engines are offline. Well, what do ya know?

Baque - Ah, sir? That planet is getting awfully big awfully fast!

The saucer section of the Celestial makes a nice new valley on the uncharted planet.

Scene 22 - Nothing's happening so why the hell is this scene here?

Scene 23 - Stardrive section, battle bridge.

No-Name #14 - Sir, I'm picking up a distress signal from the USS Titanic. They say they've hit a comet.

Tener - Set a course.

No-Name #14 - Um, sir? They've floated inside Breen space.

Tener - Noted. Set a course, warp 9.

No-Name #14 - But the Breen said–

Tener - What the Breen don't know won't hurt them...or us. Lay in a course, crewman, or I'll lay you out like a bar rug on the floor with my fist!

Scene 24 - Weird planet thingy. Senseless and Binky are sleeping around a glowing rock because they were too cheap to make a real fire. Senseless wakes up after hearing a loud bang.

Senseless - What was that? It sounded almost like a sonic boom!

Binky - WHEE! WHEE!

Senseless - SHUT UP!

Senseless cups his ear. In the distance he can hear muffled curses, yells, and several phaser blasts.

Senseless - I recognize that sound anywhere, it's Genocide.

Binky freaks out and tries to run away.

Senseless - We're going this way. I intend to be rescued.

Binky makes a weird questioning face.

Senseless - I left the ship because I hate Captain Righteous. With any luck he'll be dead.

Senseless drags a squealing Binky off in the direction of the noise.

Scene 25 - Crashed saucer section. Outside on the hull Baque is running for his life. Genocide climbs out of the broken messhall (deck 3) windows and runs after him.

Genocide - YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FLYING THE SHIP!

Baque - And you're supposed to return fire!

On the Bridge...

Righteous - What am I going to do with those two?

Center - Sacrifice them to the Prophets?

Righteous - Damage report.

Center - Main power is offline, heavy damage to deck 11, engines are offline but repairable, and the paint's scratched.

Righteous - Ah, man! Admiral Spot is going to kill me!

Scene 26 - Battle bridge.

No-Name #14 - Sir, we're entering visual range.

Greaser walks onto the bridge.

Greaser - Visual range of what?

Tener - The USS Titanic is having some trouble.

No-Name #14 - He means they're all going to die.

Greaser - USS Titanic? Never heard of it. Check the archives. And why is there a half dozen rolls of duct tape covering the forward hull?

No-Name #14 - Hey! Starfleet doesn't mention anything about a USS Titanic. Oh, we hit a freighter.

Greaser - That's what I thought, and WHAT happened?

Tener - Well, ya see, it all started eight months ago in drydock when–

No-Name #14 - Large Breen fleet heading this way.

Tener - F!

No-Name #14 - Huh? A large Romulan fleet is also heading this way.

Outside the ship, the Breen and Romulan's pound the living hell out of each other.

No-Name #14 - There is also a Species 8472 fleet heading this way, and a Klingon fleet, and a Cardassian fleet.

Greaser - Great, we're stuck in the middle of an interstellar rush hour.

There are so many ships that they keep colliding with each other.

Tener - If there's a party and the Federation wasn't invited...Starfleet Command's going to hear about–

WHAM!

A large piece of a Bird-of-Prey grazes the Celestial along the place where the saucer section connects to the stardrive section.

Tener- Tener to Engineering, we're going to need a lot more duct tape.

Greaser - Helm, get us the hell outta here. F orders, let's go find the Captain.

A little while later...

The stardrive section drops out of warp at the edge of an uncharted system.

No-Name #15 (at Ops) - No sign of them, sir and ma'am.

Tener - If they're at that party...Set up a search grid. They couldn't have gone far with Genocide as Commander.

Scene 27 - Saucer section on planet.

Righteous - Power up the engines.

Center - Engines are still offline, sir.

Righteous - Who was supposed to fix them?

Center - Lieutenant Greaser.

Righteous - Where's she?

Center - The stardrive section.

Greaser - What's she doing there?

Center - Someone forgot to tell her that we were separating the ship.

An hour earlier...

Greaser is in a turbolift.

Greaser - DECK 1! DECK 1! BRIDGE!

Computer - Unable to comply.

Greaser - WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME!

Computer - Please restate the question.

Center - Do you want me to assign Lieutenant Bios to the repair team, sir?

Righteous thinks for a minute.

Righteous - No, it'll take less time to wait to be rescued.

Scene 28 - Senseless and Binky are wandering through a jungle.

Senseless - OK. Genocide's yelling is getting louder so we should be clo–

CLONG! Senseless gets hit in the head by a flying phaser.

Senseless - Yep, defiantly getting close.

All of a sudden Baque runs through some trees and trips over a root, landing face first on Binky.

Senseless - What the hell are you doing here, Lieutenant?

Baque - Running for my life shithead–I mean sir. What does it look like.

One by one, Genocide, Bios, Stoner, and Puker run out of the trees and trip over the same root, all of them piling on top of Binky. Genocide gets up and aims his phaser at Baque.

Senseless - That's enough, Genocide.

Genocide - You can't tell me what to do, we're the same rank.

All of another sudden a shuttlecraft flies in and hovers over the small clearing. Righteous rolls down the window.

Righteous - I don't remember promoting you.

Genocide - Drat, almost got away with it.

Righteous - Glad to see you, Commander.

Senseless - Life is cruel and unfair.

Puker - How'd you get that shuttle, the shuttlebay is in the stardrive section.

Righteous - Well, I was looking for my lost marbles when I found a Type 6 shuttlecraft folded up neatly behind my sofa.

Bios - Oh so that's what that surge in the transporters was.

Righteous lands the shuttle.

Righteous - Hop in. We still have to get the half-ship to take off.

Senseless - Half? What happened.

Genocide - We separated the ship and sent the stardrive section back to Fed space and kept the saucer section here in Breen space to look for you.

Senseless - Figures. I leave and the whole ship falls apart.

Scene 29 - Battle bridge.

No-Name #15 - Sir, I've found them. Crashed on a planet.

Tener - Are they OK?

No-Name #15 - I think so but their engines are offline. We'll have to pull them into orbit.

Tener - Charge the tractor beam emitters.

On the hull of the saucer, several no-names are repainting the hull. Stoner is replacing the messhall windows. The tractor beam locks on and the ship begins to lift off the ground.

Stoner - Ah oh.

Stoner climbs inside the ship and puts the last window pane in place, sealing the no-names outside.

No-Name #16 - Hey! What about us?

Stoner - Sorry. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Stoner starts reading a PADD, every so often casually waving and smiling at the no-names who are banging on the windows and gasping for air.

Scene 30 - Main bridge.

Righteous - Mr. Baque, re-integrate the ship please.

Baque - Sure, why not? Baque to Tener.

Tener - Go ahead.

Baque - Coordinate your helm controls with me and line up for re-integration.

Tener - Got it.

The two sections line up and move together.

CLUNK!

Baque - F!

Righteous - Is there a problem?

Baque - Something's jamming it. The mag-clamps aren't close enough to engage.

Center - Deck 11 was damaged...

Tener - And we hit a freighter...

Baque - No, it's something else.

Center - You hit a freighter?

Tener - You crashed the ship, so what? Lieutenant Baque, it's not going to fit.

Baque - I'll make it fit.

Little do they know, Binky the Mistreated Targ has somehow gotten between the two halves and is being flattened.

Baque - All available power to the engines. Activate the tractor beams.

Suddenly, Binky shoots out from between the two sections at greater-than-light speeds and flies through a temporal portal.

Baque - Re-integration complete, but we did a real number on the paint.

Scene 31 - Righteous is in his quarters dusting off his orb cases, all 15 of them.

Righteous - There. Finished. Computer, get me a secure channel to Admiral Spot.

The viewscreen, which is sitting on a stool next to the wall cavity it's supposed to be in, activates showing Admiral Spot knee deep in water and looking very mad.

Spot - hiss (this had better be good.)

Righteous - It is, ma'am. I found Commander Senseless.

Spot - hiss pur. (Good but not good enough.)

Righteous - I also need you to do me a favor. Well, we had a little trouble reintegrating the ship after the saucer section crashed on a planet and the stardrive hit a freighter so we need a new paint job.

Spot - _YOU DID WHAT!_

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Righteous - Well, um, ah...

Spot - hiss hiss meow hiss (You're fing lucky that Captain Chakotay misunderstood my orders and put the USS Litterbox's nacelles on backwards.)

Righteous - Ah, this is probably not the right thing to say right now, but we accidently destroyed a Federation Police Ship.

Spot's eyebrow is twitching and she is foaming at the mouth.

Righteous - It was full of Breen. I thought maybe you had an explanation to give before we all got court-martialed.

Spot - hiss hiss (I want you at Earth Spacedock ASAP, and I mean yesterday! Spot out!)

Spot hits her comm off button so hard that it causes all the plasma conduits on deck 5 to rupture. Righteous hits his cracked combadge.

Righteous - Helm, set a course for Earth, and don't spare the deuterium!

For hell hath no wrath like that of an angry cat.

Scene 32 - Engineering. The Celestial is at high warp and red alert.

Greaser - Come on, you twits, stop playing cards and get back to work.

Camera is in the brig...

Bios - Hey! Let me out!

Tener - Sorry, but we can't take the chance you'll break the warp core.

Camera is on the bridge...

Righteous - Helm, ETA?

Baque - 4 minutes.

Righteous - Not fast enough.

Senseless - Ops, shut down life support and divert all power to the warp drive.

Center - Don't we need life support?

Senseless - Not if Admiral Spot kills us.

Baque - I've got Earth Spacedock on short range sensors.

Righteous - Prepare to drop out of warp as soon as we're inside.

Several no-names look around terrified because that's their only purpose in life: Filler.

Baque - All stop in 4...3...2...1..--

WHAM!

Baque - More or less.

Camera is outside showing the Celestial wedged in between a Galaxy class shit and an Excelsior class ship.

Senseless - Great parking, Lieutenant.

Righteous - Whose paying the parking fee–NOT ME!

Baque - Not me!

Center - Not me!

Genocide - Not me!

Stoner - Stoner to bridge, not me.

Puker - Puker to bridge, not me.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, not me.

Tener - Tener to bridge not me.

Senseless - Not me. Ha ha, no-names.

Righteous - Um, Commander? We don't pay them enough to cover the damages to the Saratoga and the Citadel. Guess it's up to you. May the Prophets bless you with low insurance rates.

Senseless - There are some things that even non-corporeal beings can't do.

Genocide - Don't count on low insurance rates, you were declared dead.

Righteous - No he wasn't.

Genocide - Drat, almost.

Bios walks onto the bridge.

Bios - What did I miss?

Genocide - How the hell did you get out of the Brig?

Bios - Well, it all started a week ago when I was repairing the force field emitters and–

Center - Ask question, get answer.

Tener runs onto the bridge cursing about something.

Center - Sir, we're receiving a transmission from Earth. It's Admiral Spot.

Righteous - Brace yourselves ...On screen.

The viewscreen activates showing Spot who is wearing scubagear and looking really pissed off.

Spot - pur meow pur ( Ah, Commander Senseless, good to see you back and keeping that ship more or less in one piece.)

Senseless - Um, ma'am? Why is your house flooded?

Spot - hiss pur (Ah yes, that. I've got some bad news.)

Righteous - The wormhole didn't open on time?

Spot - hiss meow meow (I wish. No, there is something wrong with Earth. According to those un-named Starfleet scientists, the entire climate is changing. Most of the planet is becoming a desert while a small area, namely MY HOUSE is getting a million times more rain than usual.)

Righteous - That doesn't sound natural.

Spot - hiss (It's not. Something or someone caused this. Probably someone.)

Baque - Why is the entire universe out to get us?

Spot - (We think it's the Breen, but we can't be sure so we're going to send our most advanced anti-Breen ship to get some answers.)

Righteous - Well send Picard my regards.

Senseless - No, you idiot, she means us!

Righteous - I knew we'd come into this sooner or later.

Spot - (10 billion lives depend on you Captain, don't screw this up.)

Righteous - Don't worry ma'am, you can count on us. Um, what planet are we trying to save again?

Spot - (Great I feel safer already. Spot out.)

Righteous - Helm, set a course for Breen space again. I'll be in my quarters.

Righteous leaves.

Baque - Celestial to Ops, open the fing doors.

Earth Spacedock's space doors begin to open very slowly. Baque waits impatiently.

Baque - Hurry up assholes, I don't have all day.

After a mere 30 seconds the doors have opened a whopping 10 meters.

Genocide - Oh screw this.

Genocide opens fire and destroys the doors.

Genocide - Lieutenant, full speed ahead.

The Celestial goes into full impulse, scraping against the Saratoga and the Citadel, doing a real number on all three ships' paint jobs.

Scene 33 - Two hours later the USS Celestial drops out of warp near the planet that they had crashed on only a few hours ago.

Center - I'm detecting a large structure on the northern hemisphere. To answer your next question, no there are no life forms.

Righteous walks onto the bridge.

Righteous - Who what when where why?

Senseless - Due to Starfleet regulations and due to the delicate nature of this assignment, I think it's only logical that I lead the away mission. Bios, come with me, Senseless to Stoner, bring some hypos and stuff to help people. Senseless to Tener, bring some no-names and stuff to hurt people.

10 minutes later, that away team, Senseless, Stoner, Bios, Tener and 4 no-names carrying phaser compression rifles materialize in a large cavern.

Tener - Wow! My first away mission where I don't have to worry about getting killed!

Bios runs her trusty tricorder up and down. She points to one side of the cavern.

Bios - There. That wall is a fake.

Senseless - Hologram?

Bios - Yup.

Bios, Stoner, Tener and the no-names walk through the wall. Senseless starts walking and–

SMACK!

Bios - Hologram plus force field.

Bios does something and the hologram goes offline.

Senseless - What happened?

Bios - Don't know. I was trying to make it more power efficient and it just broke.

The group walks down a long winding corridor, the officers looking calm and the no-names with the shit scared out of them, pointing their phaser rifles around as it expecting the rocks to attack them.

Tener - Guys, relax, there's no danger here.

Just as he finishes, a large rock falls and crushes one of the no-names.

Tener - Then again I have been known to be wrong on occasion.

They shrug it off and continue walking.

Bios - I'm picking up an energy reading ahead.

Senseless - Finally some excitement.

They round a corner and walk into a big room with lots of lights. The no-names are so scared now that they are shaking and keep accidently firing off shots with their phaser rifles.

Tener - So much for the stealthy approach.

The door at the other end of the room as well as the one that they just entered slam shut and lock.

Senseless - Oh great. If you weren't the only security guards I had right now I'd demote you all to the rank of deadman.

Bios - Commander, the oxygen supply to this room has been cut off. We'd better find a way out of here in the next four hours.

The no-names are freaked out and are breathing very rapidly, using up air.

Bios - Make that 10 minutes.

Senseless - Commander Senseless to Celestial, come in Celestial.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. (Busy signal)

Senseless - Of all the ways to cut expenses we had to chose to drop call waiting out of our subspace plan.

Stoner - There is one way to fix the problem.

Stoner vaporizes the three no-names.

Tener - What was that for?

Stoner - It was the logical thing to do.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Senseless - Who the hell could they be talking to?

Scene 34 - Bridge of the Celestial. Genocide, Baque, and Center are the only ones there. The viewscreen is showing a Breen guy.

Breen Commander - Éμ›œ™̃Ÿ Þßñäå¢£.

Genocide - I bet you're thinking, "Did he fire 39 quantum torpedoes, or 40." You just have to ask yourself one question: Do ya feel lucky?

Breen Commander - #"¤¥¶¾ÐØ§སྒྱ‰¿ßÕ×ý±°".

Genocide - Well, today's your lucky day. You've just won a one way ticket to HELL!

Beep! Wee, wee!

A quantum torpedo zooms out of the Celestial and misses the derelict Breen cruiser. Righteous walks onto the Bridge and Genocide quickly changes the viewscreen to show the aft view of the ship.

Righteous - What's going on?

Genocide - Um, nothing. I'm just examining the damage to the nacelle pylons. You know we really ought to do something about that scratched paint.

Genocide is hitting buttons, firing the phasers in an attempt to destroy the Breen cruiser before Righteous gets smart, which is why Genocide is talking his time.

Righteous - Any word from the away team?

Genocide - I can honestly say no.

Righteous - Where are they?

Genocide - Not a clue.

Righteous - Aren't you supposed to be tracking them?

Genocide - I thought Center was.

Center - I thought Bios was. Huh? DAMN IT! When did she leave?

Genocide - Idiot.

Center - Asshole. By the way, Captain, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide has just destroyed–

Genocide presses a button and Center's console explodes.

Genocide - Oops. Wrong button. I was trying to blow up the console _behind_ him.

Righteous - Medical emergency on the bridge. Genocide, we'll talk about this at a later time.

Scene 35 - Planet

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, I order you to find a way out of here.

Bios - OK.

Bios picks up one of the dead no-name's rifles and blows the far door to pieces.

Tener - Why didn't we think of that sooner? We could have saved ourselves from attending three really boring funerals.

Senseless - OK, ladies and Stoner, let's go.

Tener and Stoner - Hey!

They walk down the newly opened corridor and end up in yet another big brightly room.

Tener - I can see that this is going to get annoying.

Senseless - I'll try to raise the ship again. Senseless to Celestial.

Genocide - Celestial here.

Senseless - Finally! I've been trying to reach you for minutes!

Genocide - Sorry sir. We've been a little busy...um...surveying the damage to the ship's paint.

Senseless - Well there's nothing usable here, unless we need we need some new light bulbs.

Genocide - Should I beam you up sir?

Senseless - No...I want Ensign Center to do it. We're heading back to the transport coordinates. Senseless out.

Scene 36 - Engineering. Everything is calm ad quiet save for the hum of the warpcore. All of a sudden a loud yell pierces the silence.

Greaser - WHO THE F STOLE THE BIO-NEURAL GEL PACKS ON DECK 9!

The engineering crew scramble to put away their poker chips and make it look like they are working.

Greaser - Gel packs, people, I asked for the gel packs, all 19 of them. Where are they? Someone had better tell me or there are going to be some makeshift gel packs wearing gold uniforms. Has anyone seen the missing gel packs?

All the engineers - NO MA'AM!

Greaser - Oh good. OK then. Back to work.

Greaser leaves. The engineering crew let out a sigh of relief.

Computer - Warning! Coolant leak on deck 16, 15, 14!

All the engineers - AHHHH!

Scene 37 - Bridge. Baque and a no-name are the only ones present.

Baque - We're orbiting a planet. This is a task even a no-name could do blindfolded. Why am I here?

No-Name #17 - The Captain said you had to stay here because you're a threat to his sanity.

Baque - What sanity? Oh f this, I'm leaving.

Baque puts the ship into auto piolet and leaves through the turbolift.

Scene 38 - Bios walks into sickbay. About 30 no-names are inside looking burned and battered.

Bios - What the hell happened here?

Puker - Coolant leak in engineering. One of the main coolant tanks ruptured and flooded deck 15. Decks 14 and 16 were also affected. Ensign Center is with another group of bloody no-names in the messhall. Ha, messhall. Hey, these _are_ no-names. Well, that explains why I'm so unmotivated to help them. I'll go work on Ensign Center. Oh wait, he's in his quarters. Well then...

Puker accidently slices open a no-names neck with a laser scalpel.

Puker - Drat, I lose more no-names that way. This would be a lot easier if they would hold still.

Bios - Have you tried giving them Valium or something?

Puker - Damn it Bios, I'm a doctor, not a drug dealer.

Bios slaps her hand to her face as Doctor Puker mutilates more no-name-dime-a-dozen crew members.

Bios - Computer, activate the EMH.

EMH - Please state the–

Bios - Oh shut up. We've got lots of wounded.

EMH - What's the status of your doctor?

Bios - I told you before, he's a complete dumbass.

EMH - You'll need to have a new doctor assigned to you as soon as–

Puker - Computer deactivate the EMH. Lieutenant, everything is under control.

He says as three no-names lying on the floor have heart attacks.

Scene 39 - Senseless is walking down a corridor giving fake smiles to no-names. Righteous rounds a corner and joins him.

Righteous - Good to see you Commander.

Senseless - We didn't find anything but death and an old abandoned automated warehouse. And I still can't find my contact lenses. I could have sworn I told Genocide to let Ensign Center to operate the transporter.

Righteous - Hmmm. Why am I just hearing about this now?

Senseless - Because I had a bad itch..

Righteous - What was that?

Senseless - Um, ah, you're a stupid son of a bch. All senior staff report to the briefing room.

10 minutes later, all senior staff are seated around the briefing table, except Righteous who is off praying.

Senseless - OK, engineering, report.

Greaser - The coolant leak appears artificial in nature. I sealed it and we have warp drive again. The coolant tanks are still under warrantee so we should have no trouble getting them replaced. Also possibly related, 19 bio-neural gel packs have disappeared from deck 9. And there's practically no paint left on the underside of the saucer section.

Senseless - Medical?

Puker - 49 people were injured, 48 died. Ensign Center was number 49. The bad news is that there is a bad cold circulating through the ship.

Senseless - Oh so our crew count is what now? 592? Scrub it. Science.

Bios - I did a through analysis of the planet's surface. If something is affecting Earth, it didn't originate here. I suggest we look elsewhere.

Senseless - Lieutenant Baque, where's the nearest planet?

Baque points out the window.

Genocide - Asshole, he meant the next nearest planet.

Baque - So did I. Wait...OH SHIT! Computer, all stop!

Senseless - Check that off the to-do list. Tactical, report.

Genocide - We're out of quantum torpedoes, but we've got plenty of photons and phasers. I can probably replicate some more quantums with Bios' help.

Senseless - Do what you need to do, and ONLY what you NEED to do. Is that clear? Good. Everyone dismissed.

Center - Commander and Bios, could you please join me in the astrometrics lab?

Senseless - I didn't know we had an astrometrics lab.

A few minutes later, Senseless, Center, and Bios enter the large lab, with an enormous curved wall in front of a console.

Bios - Computer, activate the astrometrics screen.

A small overhead projector pops out of the console and turns on, filling about one quarter of the big screen. Center places a coloured plastic sheet on the projector and adjusts the focus.

Center - We are here.

He points to a section of the screen.

Center - An earth is here. There are several residual ion trails here. Three of them are ours, but two are Breen. They lead to this planet over here.

Bios - What course should Mr. Baque set?

Center - Hold on.

Center takes a PADD and starts writing down numbers and equations.

Senseless - You could get the computer to do that.

Center - I used up all of my think credit getting the computer to help me in a chess game against Captain Righteous. There, got it. 3314 mark 48.

Senseless - Lieutenant, get this to Baque. I still can't believe that we don't have a wide screen LCD screen.

Center - We did until a few hours ago. It broke for not reason.

Bios - You know it might work if we weren't on deck 9.

Senseless - Hmmm. Oh and Bios, I want you and Ms. Greaser to find out why everything is screwing up around here.

Bios - Yeah, yeah. Take the coordinates to Baque, replicate torpedoes with Genocide, Fix stuff with Greaser, run analyses, don't break the warp core. Why am I stuck with all the work around here?

Scene 40 - Bridge.

Baque - Oh give me a hooome, where the tribbles do rooooam, and the komodos and iguanas do plaaaay! Where seldom is–

Genocide - WOULD YOU SHUT UP! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Baque - I think it's a late for that.

Genocide - Huh?

Baque - Um, Admiral Spot is a little cat. Um, I'm going to start scanning the planet's surface for energy readings.

Beep beep beep, beep beep beep, beep beep beep.

Genocide - Ah oh. Two Breen warships on an intercept course. They were hiding behind that moon thing over there. They are charging weapons. Now it's fun time. Red alert. All hands, battle stations!

Baque - Taking evasive action.

Righteous, Senseless, Stoner, Bios, and Center materialize on the bridge and take their stations.

Baque - Something wrong with the turbolift?

Senseless - Probably. Report.

Genocide - We're under attack from two Breen battleships. Wait, make that four. Two more coming up from the planet's surface.

Senseless - Target the lead ship. Attack pattern Delta 7. Take out their weapons.

Center - Long range sensors have just picked up 6 more Breen ships heading this way.

Senseless - We should try to get away. Your orders Captain? Captain?

Righteous is praying.

Senseless - Sir, now it a really bad time to–

Righteous - WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! And join the prophets. Yippie!

Senseless - OK, THAT'S IT!

SMACK!

Righteous slumps in his chair counting the tweeting birdies flying around his head.

Senseless - I should have done that a long time ago.

WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - Center, is there anywhere to hide?

Center - There is a Matura Class nebula about a hundred million kilometers from here.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, set a course, now.

Baque - Why don't you ask politely?

Senseless - I'd love to, if we weren't all ABOUT TO BE VAPORIZED! STEP ON IT!

The Celestial flies into the bright purple nebula.

Genocide - They're not pursuing. Wait, they're firing one last shot. It's a big one! Ohhhh shitttt!

SMASH! Weep, weep, weep.

Center - Main power is offline. Weapons, shields, engines, sensors down as well. Life support is fluctuating and doesn't look good.

Righteous - (groan) What'd I miss?

Center - We're dead in the water...um...gas.

Senseless - What _was_ that?

Center - Some kind of energy dampener weapon.

Senseless - So this is what destroyed the fourth fleet.

Baque - Why aren't they coming in to finish us off?

Bios - From what we know about Breen life support systems, which amounts to nothing, I don't think they work in Matura gas

Boom, ship rocks, no sparks.

Righteous - And that was...?

Genocide - A tri-cobalt torpedo detonated just off the starboard aft.

Boom.

Genocide - Another one directly in front of us. They're firing depth charges.

Righteous - "Depth" is a religions word.

Baque - Since when?

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, come in bridge.

Senseless - Bridge here.

Greaser - Oh good, that useless no-name finally got the comm system back online.

Senseless - Report, lieutenant.

Greaser - It doesn't look good down here. We had a huge antimatter leak. Then something else exploded but I was too busy to look. I've never seen so much blood in my life.

Senseless - Coming from you that's quite a statement. How many casualties do you have?

Greaser - I don't know. I meant blood from me. Man this paper cut _really_ hurts!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - They've calculated our trajectory. Damn them and their top-of-the-line computers.

Center - Yeah, why did we get stuck with an old useless main computer?

Computer - Crewman Donalds is in his quarters.

WHAM!

Senseless - Ms. Greaser, get those engines back.

Greaser - This would be a lot easier if the damn warp core worked.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, if we opened the ventral plasma ducts and vented the excess plasma into space, would we have enough momentum to move us away from this hell hole?

Baque - 90 chance of failure, 75 chance of death, and a very small chance of getting out of here in one piece...opening plasma ducts!

The Celestial floats upward out of the line of fire.

Righteous - Excellent work people. I'll be in my quarters.

Genocide - Oh, um. Hull breach on deck 4.

Senseless - There is?

Genocide presses a button, boom.

Genocide - There is now.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, analyze that weapon, try to find a defense–

FLASH!

Righteous is standing on the glowing bridge of the Celestial. All the panels are showing pictures of the Bajoran wormhole. Captain Sisko walks into view.

Righteous - EMISSARY! I knew I'd be picked someday, I knew I was worthy! This is a great honor–

Sisko - Shut up.

Righteous - Yes sir.

Sisko - None of us could decide on what point in time to tell you this, so we drew straws. This is probably a little late to tell you this, but the Breen are threatening the Alpha Quadrant and the Celestial Temple.

Righteous - WHAT? Let me at 'em. I'll kick their bloodless asses!

Sisko - I can't believe I died for _this_!

Righteous - I'll give them the old one two.

Sisko - The sooner I way this, the sooner I can send you back. That energy weapon can effect the Prophets. If the Breen fire it into the wormhole, we won't be able to stop the Dominion from entering the Alpha Quadrant. And believe me, no one will want to stick around when they see the number of ships that the Dominion has parked next to the wormhole on the other side.

Righteous - But the Founder said...

Sisko - You obviously can't trust a Founder as far as you can pour one. They lied. Plain and simple.

Righteous - I'm confused...

Sisko - Not simple enough. Try this: Breen get to Bajor, everyone dies.

Righteous - Could you tone it down a bit, I'm not a rocket scientist.

Sisko - YOU'RE A STARFLEET OFFICER, CLOSE ENOUGH! Jesus Christ! Just tell all of this to Commander Senseless. Your god has spoken. Obey me!

FLASH!

Senseless - --to it. Captain? Is something wrong?

Righteous tells Senseless everything. When he finishes silence fills the bridge. Some no-names at the back look terrified because that's all they're good for: Filler.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, power should be returning...now.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, set a course for Bajor, maximum warp.

Baque - But there's enemy ships out there!

Senseless - There'll be a lot more if we don't stop the Breen. Mr. Genocide, get ready to fight.

Genocide - Finally.

The Celestial leaves the nebula, plows through the Breen ships and goes to warp.

Center - We're through, but there is absolutely NO paint left on the starboard nacelle pylon.

Scene 41 - Federation Council Headquarters. Admiral Spot walks into another Admiral's office.

Spot - meow (dry at last)

Admiral #1 - You ready?

Spot - pur meow (Let's get this over with.)

They both leave the room and walk down a hallway.

Admiral #1 - This sucks! First the Borg destroy my yacht, then they destroy my flagship, then the Breen attack Earth and destroy my office, and now my house is so dry that when you turn on the tap nothing comes out.

Spot - hiss (lucky you.)

The two Admirals enter a big, decorated office.

Admiral #1 - Mr. President, we've got good news and bad news.

Spot - meow (The good news is that this climate change is only temporary. Things should be back to normal in a week or so.)

Admiral #1 - The bad news is that this was only designed to take our attention away from the Breen's real plans. We just got word from the Celestial. The Breen intend to force open the wormhole, allowing a flood of Dominion ships to storm into the Alpha Quadrant.

Spot - hiss (We've ordered every Federation starship to rendevous at Deep Space Nine in an attempt to fight off the massive Breen fleet that is right now heading for the wormhole. I personally notified Chancellor Martok, Gul Garak, and the Romulan Senate of the situation and they've dispatched all of their ships that currently aren't part of that weird interstellar demolition derby thing that's going on outside Breen space for some reason.)

Admiral #1 - It doesn't look good. If even one Breen ship fires its energy dampener weapon into the wormhole, it's game over for the Federation. What are your thoughts on this, Mr. President?

The Federation president turns his chair to face the Tellerite and the Feline. He stands us and opens a drawer, pulls out a phaser, and puts it to his head.

President - F this, I quit!

Pzzzzt!

Awkward silence.

Admiral #1 and Spot look at each other.

Admiral #1 - We probably should have broken the news to him a little more sugar coated.

Spot - hiss meow (Ah man! Command is going to be pissed!)

Scene 42 - Breifing room. All senior staff are sitting down except Righteous, who is running around in the corridor that runs behind the bridge connecting the Breifing room and Captain's Ready Room.

Righteous - THEY'RE GOING TO HURT THE PROPHETS! AHHHH!

Senseless - OK, just ignore him. Engineering, report on the condition of this rust bucket.

Stoner - Since there is no air in space, the metal cannot oxidize. Also, there is only minute traces of iron in the tritanium alloy, hardly enough to constitute rust.

Senseless and Puker stare at her.

Senseless - The last time I went over the duty roster, your name wasn't under the Engineering section. Greaser, report.

Greaser - The bloody ship is broken and there isn't a damn thing me or any of my underpaid people can do about it, so f off!

Baque - Underpaid and overworked. Bad combination, Commander.

Senseless - Lieutenants, the bloody ships is _broke _and there isn't a damn thing me or any of my over-criticized people can do about it, so f you! Science!

Bios - I've analyzed the Breen weapon. Sisko was right. For a dead guy he sure knows a lot about Breen weapons and wormhole physics.

Senseless - Is there any way to protect the wormhole?

Bios - Oh sure. The obvious thing to do is to construct defensive platforms around the mouth of the wormhole. However, since we only have five hours, I suggest that Colonel Kira stop praying, get off her lazy ass and actually make DS9 fire back for once.

Senseless - That may not be enough. Is there anything else we can do?

Bios - If we were to fire a tricobalt torpedo into the wormhole and detonate it, the residual tricobalt energy should disrupt any dampening weapons.

Senseless - How long have you known that?

Bios - Ten seconds, why?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - All hands, battlestations.

Genocide - SCORE!

Genocide takes off at full speed for the door, knocking over Puker and Stoner. The door doesn't open fast enough and he plows through it, ripping half the adjoining bulkhead to pieces.

Righteous - Report, and bring me breakfast.

Center - Four Breen dreadnaughts firing torpedoes, and what would you like sir?

Righteous - Helm, drop out of warp and engage evasive action Omega 2, and I want crumpets and a cinnamon bagel, hold the bagel.

Center - Coming up sir.

WHAM! Sparks.

Genocide - Shields are offline!

Bzzzzt! Three Breen materialize on the Bridge. The no-names heroically draw their weapons and are the first to be shot. The senior staff somehow manage to fend off the Breen warriors.

Genocide - One of their ships has dropped shields.

Tener - Lieutenant Tener to bridge, there are 150 Breen troops on the ship. They're trying to get to engineering.

Senseless - Genocide, fire some quantum torpedoes at that defenseless ship and then go help Tener kill some enemies.

Genocide - With pleasure, sir. God I love my job.

Scene 43 - Deck 15. Genocide and Tener are outside Engineering trying to fend off about 30 Breen soldiers.

Tener - We can't hold them off! And my phaser is almost out of charge.

Genocide - I've got a brilliant idea!

Greaser - That's a first.

Greaser goes back to work and Genocide turns and smashed on of the nearby no-names in to face.

No-Name #17 - AH! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!

Work materializes in a small tank behind the bleeding no-name.

Worf - ENOUGH COMPLAINING! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! GOD DAMN IT!

BOOM!

Worf fires and a ship-sized pulse phaser goes right through the no-name and vaporizes the Breen. Bzzzt. Worf is gone.

Tener - I lose more security guards that way.

Scene 44 - Bridge.

Senseless - Bridge to engineering, now would be a really good time to re-engage the warp drive.

Greaser - Oh, right. Forgot about that.

Senseless - ARGG! Mr. Baque, set a course for DS9, maximum warp.

Baque - F you.

Senseless - LIEUTENANT, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS.

Baque - Engaging warp.

The ship starts to shake.

Baque - We're at warp 9.91, .92, .93.

Center - Structural integrity is failing and we're losing paint.

Senseless - Tactical, target their deflector dishes.

Center - How'd you know they were matching our speed?

Senseless - They always manage to. Fire!

Bzzzt! Genocide materializes on the bridge.

Genocide - Did someone say "fire?"

Genocide gives the no-name at tactical the finger. The no-name leaves and Genocide takes his station.

Genocide - Their deflector dishes are gone, but what's the point of destroying that part?

Senseless - Wait for it...

Center - They're entering weapons range!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - Wait for it...

Righteous - What the hell is–

Senseless - (to the ceiling) BOY I SURE HOPE NO MORE PAINT FALLS OFF THE HULL!

The remaining paint chips off and puts shuttle-sized holes into the Breen dreadnoughts.

Senseless - Reverse psychology.

Center - I've got DS9 on Shot range.

Righteous - Prepare to drop out of warp.

Baque - I'll do it in a minute...yeah, yeah, all stop in 5...4...3...OH SHIT!

_**S C R A P E !**_

Center - Um, good news, there's no paint left to scratch. Bad news, there are a few hull plates missing off the Saratoga.

Bridge of the Saratoga...

Farfetched - DAMN IT! OH MY FING GOD DAMN SON OF A BIH SHT!

Bridge of the Celestial...

Righteous - Any sign of the Breen fleet?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Um, yup.

Senseless - Coordinate our attacks with the USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, and the USS Unlucky.

The hundreds of Federation, Cardassian, Klingon, and Romulan ships battle it out with the Breen while cool war music plays in the background.

WHAM!

Center - Direct hit to the shuttlebay, doors are fused.

WHAM! An Eximus class ship grazes shields with the Celestial.

Genocide - A Breen ship just fired a dampening torpedo at the wormhole.

Senseless - Baque, set a collision course for that torpedo!

Baque - Give me–

Senseless - THIS IS ONE ORDER YOU'D BETTER NOT WASTE TIME QUESTIONING!

Baque - Course set and engaged.

Senseless - All hands, brace for impact!

WHAM!

Center - That one came from behind us. All systems are offline!

Baque - We're entering the wormhole, right behind the torpedo.

Righteous - We'll be with the Prophets soon.

The wormhole opens and the Celestial flies inside.

Baque - The torpedo has detonated. We'll exit in a few seconds.

The other side of the wormhole opens up and the Celestial comes out. A great big welcoming party is there to meet them.

Center - Good god! Captain, there are over 30,000 ships here!

Genocide - Good, I can't miss.

Center - Wait, we're being hailed.

Senseless - On screen. Mr. Genocide, hold your fire.

Genocide - Damn it.

Beep!

Weyoun - Oh f no, they did NOT just re-open the wormhole, did they?

Righteous - I thought you were dead.

Weyoun - Long story. Oh and tell the Breen to leave us alone. WE DO NOT WANT TO PURCHASE A FOUNDER DAMNED REFRIGERATOR! WE DON'T CARE HOW LONG THE WARRANTY IS! ARRGG!

Genocide - If you're not going to invade, why are there so many ships here?

Weyoun - It's our annual company picnic. All the Jem'Hadar show up with their families–ah–clones and have a cook out over an open star. It's really quite fun. We'll remember to invite the Federation next year. So until then, good bye.

Beep!

Awkward silence.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, I'll fix the engines on one condition. I want a paid shore leave!

Scene 45 - The Celestial is in Earth Spacedock getting repainted along with the Saratoga and what's left of the Citadel. The senior staff are in the messhall.

Puker - Well as I always say, all's well that ends well.

Tener - WHAT! How can you say that? 351 ships were destroyed by the Breen, the president is dead, Admiral Spot has pneumonia, and our ship is so badly damaged that Starfleet is dipping into our salaries to pay for damages. We've also lost over 200 crew members.

Puker - Yess...but look on the bright side, we're still alive!

Tener - Good point.

The two slang their beer mugs together and chug them down as a no-name walks in.

No-Name #13 - Hey, it's me again. I know, I should be dead, but those stupid weapons dampeners prevented my suicide.

Another no-name walks in.

No-Name #11 - Um, sir? The paint's dry and we're ready to leave Spacedock.

Righteous - OK, guys, lets launch this shiny new ship.

Stoner - Technically it's the same "old" ship, just with a new coat of paint.

They all walk onto the bridge and take their stations.

No-Name #13 - OH SCREW IT! Genocide, you're an asshole.

Genocide punches No-Name #13 and breaks his nose.

No-Name #13 - ARGG! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!

Bzzzt!

Worf - OK, who said it!

No-Name #13 is clutching his nose and No-Name #11 looks scared shitless.

Worf - Warg!

Slice! Worf decapitates No-Name #11.

Righteous - Mr. Baque, take us out, one quarter impulse.

_**S C R A P E !**_

Baque - Fk!

Righteous - May the Prophets forgive us.

Senseless - Someone just shoot me.

Stoner - I fail to see the logic in that action.

Center - Here's your breakfast, Captain.

Genocide - God I love my job.

Bios - Oops. Hope that wasn't important.

Greaser - Why does everybody hate me!

Puker - Open wide!

Tener - Splinter doc, splinter.

Binky - Wheee!

Farfetched - Jackasses.

Spot - Meow damn it.

Worf - **I NEED SLEEP! DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!**

**THE END**

**USS Celestial**

**NCC - 91482**

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	2. Celestial 2

Star Trek: Celestial

Episode 2: Inspections for Dummies

Scene 1

Baque and Greaser walk into the Messhall full of no-names.

Baque - Marijuana?

Greaser - Yup. It increases that efficiency of the warp core by 30. Unfortunately it also makes the crew high.

Baque - Really now.

They walk up to a replicator.

Greaser - I'll buy. What do you want?

Baque - I'll have whatever you're having.

Greaser - Are you sure?

Baque - Yeah, I like to try new things.

Greaser - Okay...Computer, two glasses of hydrochloric acid.

Zzzzzt.

Baque - Bolion, right. Strong mouth lining. I really should have paid attention during the Federation species course at the Academy.

The two sit down at an empty table. Greaser starts to guzzle her drink while Baque watches his melt through the table. All of a sudden the room starts to shake.

Greaser - Oh, perfect. Bios is f-ing with the inertial dampeners. It's 06:00 and she's already causing trouble. Looks like another eventful day in engineering.

Baque - Um, the shaking's getting worse.

Greaser - Tell the bridge to drop out of warp.

Baque - We're not at warp!

Some no-names are crowding around the windows. Greaser and Baque walk over to see what's going on. They look out and see a massive shockwave moving toward the ship.

Greaser - Holy mother of God!

Baque - St sit sht hit shi!

WHAM! The messhall windows shatter and some no-names are sucked out while Baque and Greaser hold onto a bolted down table. The emergency forcefields finally engage. The two officers get up and find that an awful stench has filled the room.

Greaser - AW MAN! WHO ORDERED THE TURBOLAX SURPRISE?

Opening Credits.

Righteous - Space...a dangerous frontier...These are the chronicles of the Warship Celestial...It's continuing mission,...to destroy strange, new worlds...to conquer new life, and hostile civilizations...To boldly fight what no one has fought before. Ok Genocide, I said it right. Now put down the phaser.

Scene 2 - Bridge. Baque, Greaser, and Stoner walk on. There are jets of plasma and some no-names are putting out fires on other no-names.

Senseless - Take your stations. I want a full damage report.

Greaser - Hull breaches on decks 3, 9, 10, 14, and 19. Forcefields are holding.

Righteous - Ensign Center, can you trace the shockwave back to it's source?

Center - Nope.

Righteous - Do it anyway.

Center - Yes sir! Shockwave originated at bearing 331 mark 666.

Senseless - Helm, set a course, warp factor five. And Ops, increase power to the air filters. It REALLY stinks in here.

A few minutes later the USS Celestial drops out of warp. An odd looking ship floats in front of them.

Righteous - What is that thing?

Center - Sensors can't penetrate the hull, but the ship appears to be organic. I think it's alive. It looks derelict. No engine power.

Righteous - Any lifesigns?

Baque - Did he not just finish telling you that sensors can't penetrate the hull?

Senseless - Give me the dimensions of the ship.

Center - Twenty meters long, about 9 meters wide.

Senseless - I think we should pull it into the shuttlebay.

Righteous - I think we should destroy it because it conflicts with my belief system and–

Senseless - Say isn't it prayer time?

Righteous - Sit! Computer, site to site transport, me to my quarters, energize!

Bzzzzt!

Senseless - Lieutenant Tener, report to the shuttlebay and bring weapons.

Scene 3 - Shuttlebay. A large group of no-names crowd around the orange, odd looking ship.

Senseless - Ok you social rejects, give it room–

A hatch opens and a tall, brown, three legged creature falls out. It begins speaking telepathically.

Species 8472 Alien - Oh good, fresh air at last.

The no-names freak out and run in circles. One of them craps his pants.

8472 Alien - Well it was good while it lasted.

The no-names finally contain their excitement and aim their phasers at the intruder.

8472 Alien - I knew I should have hung a right at Galordon Core.

Pzzzt! Pzzzt! Pzzzt!

Scene 4 - Briefing room. Even Righteous is present.

Senseless - Ok ladies and gentlemen, I think we all know what the big question is.

Righteous - Yeah, man, how am I going to find a word that is an antonym for "fast?"

Senseless - Sir, could you please save your crossword for a rainy day?

Righteous - We're on a starship. It never rains...oh, I see.

Senseless - Now, the big question is, how did a Species 8472 ship get into the Alpha Quadrant.

Baque - Well, you see, there are these amazing things called engines...

Bios - There must be a fluidic rift nearby.

Baque - And the bioship used it's engines to go from there to here...

Senseless - Shut up or I'll shove one of those engines up your ass. People, I need answers.

Righteous - Well, maybe this is a test sent to us by the Prophets.

Genocide - What if this is the beginning of an invasion, a prelude to war. Oh I couldn't be happier!

Stoner - Mr. Genocide may be correct. The bioship looks like a scout. Perhaps it's mission is to map the Alpha Quadrant.

Greaser - Well we'll probably never know.

Puker is banging his head repeatedly against the table. Everyone looks at him.

Puker - Has it dawned on any of you that maybe we should just _ask_ the ship's owner?

Genocide - He's dead, isn't he?

Tener - Oh about that. Well you all know how expensive phaser power packs are, so we decided to cut expenses and only use the low power stun setting.

Senseless - Are Starfleet's ground troops implementing that same policy? Because that would explain why we're losing our war with the Breen.

Righteous - The sooner our guest wakes us, the sooner we can determine if he's a threat to my religion. Dismissed.

Scene 5 - Sickbay. Several no-names are crowding around the Species 8472 creature. One no-name in the corner is concentrating very hard on it.

8472 Alien - Huh? No–NO. I don't–NO! I don't want to purchase a central vac! NO!

It takes a swipe at the no-name and decapitates her.

8472 Alien - God damn telepaths.

Puker - Oh great! That was my last betazoid. Thanks a lot. Those guys are hard to come by you know!

Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, and Center walk in.

Center - WHO SENT YOU!

8472 Alien - Your mama.

Center - Ah! Man! How many times does she have to remind me to brush my teeth. I'm 33 for Christ sake!

Senseless - Who are you?

The creature makes a weird sound that is so odd that Dr. Puker looks over to make sure a no-name laying on a biobed hasn't gone into convulsions.

Center - Alright. For our sake and the sake of my log, your new name is Bob.

Senseless - What was that shockwave? A weapon?

Bob - My ship farted.

Senseless - Okay, that explains the smell. Computer, stand down turbo-laxative alert.

The brown flashing lights turn off and are replaced by the flickering of the cheap dollar store flourescent lights.

Genocide - If you're kind thinks that you can invade the Alpha Quadrant, think again!

Bob - Can't a being go for a Sunday fly anymore? Besides, we never had a beef with your species, only the Borg pissed us off.

Center - Then why did you fire on Voyager and then practice for an invasion of Earth?

Bob - Aw all you bipeds look the same. How are we supposed to tell you apart from the Borg?

Genocide - There's the ship size for one.

Center - The Borg have cybernetic implants.

Righteous - Spiritual enlightenment versus technological perfection.

Bob - All valid points.

Center - Wow sir, those were really big smart sounding words!

Senseless - Sir, put down the dictionary, you're embarrassing us all.

Righteous - Bob, your engines are damaged and your ship stinks. Would you like us to tow you to the nearest fluidic rift?

Bob - That would help. Oh, wait...ah oh.

Genocide - What?

Bob - The weak shall perish.

Genocide - Huh?

A loud fart sound fills the room.

Senseless - AW FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! ALL HANDS, TURBOLAX ALERT!

Scene 6 - Messhall. Greaser walks up to a replicator.

Greaser - Coffee, gray.

Replicator - Go to hell.

Greaser - Greaser to Bios, could you come take a look at one of the replicator's in the messhall. I think you need to dismantle–

Zzzzzt!

Greaser - Never mind.

Greaser starts drinking as Senseless enters.

Senseless - Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again.

No-Name #1 - Klingon Idol Finale?

No-Name #2 - Interstellar beer drinking contest?

Senseless - No.

No-Name #1 - No-name day?

No-Name #2 - My birthday? Wait a tick, that was last year.

Senseless - No!

No-Name #1 - Free cake and ice cream day?

No-Name #2 - Kitty appreciation week?

Senseless - NO! NO NO AND NO! It's inspection time. An admiral is on the way to assess the quality of the ship, and that means we've got to clean the Celestial up. Ah, Genocide, here you are.

The two no-names are shooting each other with phasers set on the lowest stun setting.

Senseless - Genocide, show them I mean business.

Genocide vaporizes No-Name #1 and 2. Senseless slaps his face.

Genocide - What!

Senseless - Genocide you twit, dead men don't learn!

Greaser - Commander, do you know which admiral is to inspect us this year?

Senseless - All I know is that it's a cat.--

He looks down at the smouldering pit that used to be No-Name #2

Senseless –So yes, you were right, it _is_ kitty appreciation week. On the Celestial anyway.

Genocide - Oh great, Admiral Spot.

Senseless - No, it can't be her. She's off inspecting the Saratoga.

Greaser - Which one.

Senseless - All of them and she's not too happy about it. Genocide, PLEASE try to stop killing the crew for the next few days. I'll give you unlimited holo-deck time or whatever you need.

Greaser - I'll go purge the plasma ducts.

Genocide - I'll go test the weapons.

Senseless - And I'll go lock Righteous in a storage closet for a while.

Scene 7 - Briefing room.

Senseless - Alright. Now that Captain Righteous is off praying we can actually get something done. Bob, the chairs are for sitting on, not eating! Christ. Okay, our reviewing officer is Admiral Nelix. From what I hear he has his head shoved up his ass. I really don't think that Righteous can face off with someone that intimidating.

Center - I don't know...Captain's pretty dangerous when he's backed into a corner.

Baque - Yeah he goes to pieces so fast that the shrapnel hits everyone!

Senseless - Whatever the case, I think that I should do the talking during the inspection. Bob would you PLEASE not do that. The doors are there for a reason! Dismissed.

Scene 8 - Shuttlebay. Righteous, Senseless, and Genocide are present as a Type 9 shuttle lands. A fluffy cat walks out wearing a uniform. Righteous - Welcome aboard the Celestial, Admiral Nelix.

Nelix - I don't talk to morons. Commander uh...

He looks at a PADD.

Nelix - Senseless, I want your most luxurious quarters. I'll be staying for three days.

Genocide - Groan.

Senseless elbows him in the stomach.

Senseless - We anticipated your needs, sir. Follow us.

They leave the shuttle bay and walk down a corridor. Lieutenant Tener walks past.

Tener - Good day, Admiral.

Nelix - I'll tell you whether or not it's a "good day," lieutenant.

The four go to stand in front of a door.

Righteous - Your quarters, sir.

The door opens and Nelix steps inside and looks around.

Nelix - A little cramped, but I guess it's the best your incompetent crew and manage.

Door closes.

Genocide - What the hell? We gave him Cargo Bay 3!

Righteous - I will go pray that we make it out of this alive.

Righteous leaves and Genocide whips out a phaser welder and aims it at the crease in the door.

Senseless - Lieutenant!

Genocide - Just kidding sir.

Scene 9 - The next morning. Admiral Nelix is walking down a corridor. Lieutenant Tener walks past.

Tener - Beautiful day, isn't is sir?

Nelix - What are you now, a god damned weather man?

Nelix walks into a turbolift.

Nelix - Deck 1 you over grown scrapheap.

He walks onto the bridge. Genocide, Righteous , Center, Baque, and Senseless are also present.

Righteous - Good morning, Admiral. I'm surprised to see you up this early.

Genocide - I'm surprised to see you up at all.

Senseless - I trust you found your quarters satisfactory?

Nelix - Someone welded my door shut. Then the cargo bay doors un-expectantly opened. Luckily I was trying on one of your worthless environmental suits. They're in good working order. That's one point for you but the malfunctioning doors are a point against, so you still have zero.

All the senior staff look at Genocide. Baque gives him a thumb's up behind the Admiral's back.

Nelix - Oh and your replicator makes the worst cat food I've ever seen. I lived with Lieutenant Barclay for years so that's saying something. Inspection begins now. Ensign Center, accompany me to deck 20 NOW!

Scene 10 - Messhall. Puker is guzzling a kettle of coffee as Senseless walks in and sits down across from him.

Puker - Ah! Commander! Hey, have you ever noticed that almost all no-name conversations are funny? Just listen to some random ones:

No-Name #3 - What do ya mean you only have 10 days to live?

No-Name #4 - FINE! You rig up the lights!

No-Name #5 - I could have sworn he said "turn it on!"

No-Name #6 - My horoscope says I die today.

Senseless - That's...um...interesting. But came to tell you that I need you to accompany me on a mission into fluidic space to take Bob home before Admiral Nelix sees him.

Nelix (through the floor) - WHAT THE HELL!

Senseless - OK! Pack your bags, grab some no-names and meet me on deck 11 in 20 minutes.

Senseless - Gets up and leaves. Puker goes back to guzzling his coffee and listening to the no-names complain about their meaningless lives.

Scene 11 - Deck 20

Nelix - ...landing gear held up by coat hangers.

Center - Um, yes. We're going to fix that...eventually.

Nelix - Let's recap. So far you've got one 2 out of 20, and you've got 19 more decks to go.

They go up to deck 19 through a jefferies tube.

Nelix - Jefferies tubes not kitty accessible. That'll cost you.

Center rolls his eyes. They go to the leading edge of the deck. Admiral Nelix climbs up a wall, opens a ceiling panel and peers inside.

Nelix - Ensign, can I ask you a question? Why is your main deflector made out of shuttles?

Center - Oh, that, well, um, I really don't know how to answer that sir. (Under his breath) I'm going to kill Greaser.

Scene 12 - Briefing room. Stoner, Bios, Righteous, Senseless, Baque, Genocide, Tener, and Greaser are present.

Senseless - Now while Admiral Nelix is still several decks below us, I must inform all of you that Dr. Puker, Lieutenant Tener and I will be taking the Captain's yacht and returning Bob to fluidic space.

Tener - Captain's Yacht! Is there anything this ship doesn't have?

Baque - Yeah, a captain with even half an IQ point.

Righteous - Now wait just a minute. The Captain's Yacht is mine. It's been customized to my standards.

Senseless - Sir, we need it. We have to return Bob before Admiral Nelix says we've been collaborating with the enemy.

Bob walks in through the door. (Literally).

Bob - BIOTCH! Sup ma hommies.

Senseless - In the mortal words of Captain Picard, we are not your hommies. Why are you here.

Bob - I've been studying your database. Late 20th century, downtown New York. Gangster talk.

Senseless - That had better bo all you've done.

Bob - You crazy bro. This here ship needs class. I took the liberty of sprucing her up a bit.

Baque - We've already got enough problems with the Captain without you screwing everything up.

Genocide - Yeah, we're in the middle of an inspection.

Bob - Take it easy, bro. I did nothing bad...

Deck 5

Nelix - Ensign, why are your bio-neural gel packs on pedestals with signs that say "Federation's Greatest Achievement?"

Center - I can honestly say I don't know.

Briefing room again.

Genocide - You had better fix "nothing" then.

Senseless - Then it's settled. Puker, Tener, and I will take the Captain's Yacht and–

Righteous - Now wait just another minute. The yacht's mine. If anyone's going with Puker and Tener it's going to be me.

Senseless - Fine then. Captain Righteous will take the slow and weak Captain's Yacht into the uncharted and dangerous regions of fluidic space to return Bob to a race that has tried to destroy us in the past.

Righteous - Well I'm glad we all agree.

Baque - Commander, reverse psychology doesn't work on morons.

Righteous - Bob, Dr. Puker, Lieutenant Tener, let's go.

Righteous, Bob, Puker and Tener leave. Senseless and the others get up and go to the bridge.

No-Name #7 - Commander, Admiral Nelix wants to be beamed to his quarters.

Baque - Maybe he'll materialize with his head out of his ass.

Senseless - Have him transported. Ensign Center, what's the status of the Captain?

Center - The yacht has cleared the saucer and has gone to warp.

Senseless - I'll be in my quarters. Genocide...actually Bios...ah screw it. No-Name, you have the bridge.

Center - Sir! An anomaly is opening of the port bow. Something is coming out. Fast!

Bios - Commander, it has a Borg signature!

Senseless - Shields up!

Center - Too late!

Boom, ship rocks.

Center - Impact on deck 4.

Senseless - Seal off that section. Genocide, let's go.

Scene 13 - Deck 4. Binky the Mistreated Borg finds himself disoriented and cut off from the rest of the collective. Genocide and Senseless round a corner and face Binky.

Genocide - Intruder alert.

Genocide raises his phaser but Senseless stops him.

Senseless - Wait. It's just an assimilated targ, it's harmless.

Little do they know, Binky activated his Borg transponder. The collective homes in and reconnects him to the hive mind.

Inside Binky's Head - 2 of 1, last adjunct of unimatrix 01. Residual fluidic biomatter has been detected on this vessel. Assimilate all data regarding Species 8472. Resistance is futile.

Binky walks through the forcefield containing him and slips into a jefferies tube.

Genocide - Ah crap.

Scene 14 - Bridge. Senseless, Genocide, Bios, and Baque are crowding around Center at his console at Ops.

Senseless - Senseless - Where's the drone now?

Center - I can't pinpoint his location. Internal sensors are down.

Baque - It figures. If something can go wrong, on this ship it usually does.

Genocide - If you hate the Celestial so much, why don't you get a transfer?

Baque - Paramount made me sign a seven year contract.

Genocide - Huh?

Baque - Oh nothing.

Center - Hey! I found it! Outside modifying the deflector dish! I can't believe I found the Borg drone without internal sensors!

Baque - Wow everyone, hi did something right for a change!

Senseless - Lock onto the drone and beam it to sickbay.

Center - Can't. Transporters are down.

Senseless - Why?

Center - Transporting Admiral Nelix overloaded the pattern buffer.

Senseless - How'd that happen?

Center - His ego was to big.

Senseless - In that case, Mr. Genocide, you and I are going for a little walk. Suit up and meet me in Airlock 23 in–

Genocide - Whoa, whoa, stop the bus. There is no way in hell I'm going out there.

Baque - You're a senior officer, what do you have to worry about?

Genocide - I can get severally injured.

Senseless - GENOCIDE I AM DRAGGING YOU OUT THERE IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Scene 15 - Senseless and a no-name walk out into space wearing environmental suits. They spy Binky a few hundred meters away.

Senseless - I could have sworn that Airlock 23 was closer to the main deflector than this.

No-Name #8 - Gee sir, I'm honored that you chose me for this important mission.

Senseless - Don't be. Your certificate of death has already been made out.

Binky picks up a shuttle hatch and scratches his head.

As Senseless gets closer he recognizes Binky the Mistreated Targ. Senseless taps his combadge.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, emit a tachyon pulse from the main deflector. Quickly before he activates–

Bios - Too late sir! The main deflector just sent an encrypted Borg message.

Senseless - Emit the pulse anyway!

The tachyon pulse causes a temporal portal to open and Binky is sucked in.

Senseless - Assuming the message is received, how long until–

He stops when he sees the terrified look on the no-name's face. Senseless follows his gaze and sees a transwarp portal open. A Borg Tactical Cube comes out.

Senseless - Beam us in.

Center - But sir, the pattern buffer is–

Senseless - BEAM US IN!

Bzzzt! Senseless materializes upside down and the no-name materializes inside out. The transporter officer puts a phaser to his head.

No-Name #9 - I'm not cleaning this mess up!

Scene 16 - Bridge. Senseless arrives in time to hear the Borg's catchy slogan. All senior staff are present except Greaser who is in engineering getting ready to bark orders and watch stuff explode.

Cube - We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is probably not futile.

Center - What do they want?

Senseless - They think we have detailed scans of species 8472.

Stoner - They should know better. Dr. Puker doesn't take detailed scans of anything.

Senseless - Why are we not at red alert?

Genocide - I didn't want to alert Admiral Nelix.

Senseless - F him. Battlestations. Divert power to the shields. Target the cube's weapons array.

Genocide - Which one? They have dozens.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, get their shield modulation and send it to Genocide.

Bios - Their shields are re-modulating faster than our phasers could ever compensate.

Baque - That's it then, we're dead.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - They've got us in a holding beam.

Senseless - Target their tractor beam emitter. Quantum torpedoes, full spread.

Admiral Nelix - WHAT THE HELL!

Senseless - Just go back to your quarters sir.

Nelix - Are you crazy? That's a Tactical Cube out there. Turn and run, turn and run!

Senseless - Sir, with no due respect, f you! We're not running away because that would make for a lousy storyline.

Genocide - Their holding beam is offline, but they're charging weapons.

WHAM!

Genocide - Shields down to 75 percent!

WHAM!

Center - Hull breach on deck 17!

WHAM!

Bios - Sir, I think I've found a weakness.

Senseless - Explain.

Bios - Once you get past the cube's armor, there isn't much protecting their main power core.

Genocide - Their shields are at 95 and we're almost out of torpedoes.

Senseless - OK them, let's pull a Picard. All hands, brace for impact!

Scene 17 - Captain's Yacht.

Righteous, Tener, Puker, No-Name #10 and 11 - Ooh, aah!

Tener - I didn't know that fluidic space was so cool!

Righteous - Reminds me of the Celestial Temple.

Bob - And on your left is my brother making an ass of himself.

Puker - The others are going to be so jealous that they missed all the action.

Scene 18 - Bridge.

Baque - Five seconds till impact. 4...3...2...1.

WHAM SMASH CRINKLE BANG SCRAPE!

Ship rocks, consoles explode, no-names get airborne, stuff breaks, etc.

Senseless - Report.

Baque - We've penetrated 30 meters inside the cube.

Genocide - All phasers are offline.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, back us out, 1/4 impulse.

_**S C R A P E !**_

Baque - We're clear, and the Celestial is in far better condition than the Enterprise was.

Senseless - Yes, well we all know Picard's a loser. Genocide, arm a tri-cobalt torpedo.

Genocide - With pleasure...torpedo armed.

Senseless - Target their reactor...Fire!

Nelix - Excellent emphasis on the word "fire." I'll have to give you a bonus point for that unfortunately.

The white torpedo zooms into the cube through the massive hull breach and explodes.

Genocide - Direct hit! Yeah! Their core is destabilizing. Reactor breach in two minutes.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, get us out of here–

WHAM!

Center - They've got us in a tractor beam.

Stoner - They are persistent.

Senseless - Persistence is futile. Target their tractor beam emitter again.

Genocide - Can't. Weapons are offline.

Center - That beam is tearing the stardrive to pieces!

Senseless - Evacuate everyone into the forward section and prepare for starship separation.

Scene 19 - Engineering

Intership Communications - All hands, evacuate stardrive.

Greaser - Ah come on! I was almost done my Level 4 diagnostic on the sensor array. Now I have to start all over again. Those things take forever!

Computer - Warning! Structural collapse in 1 minute.

Greaser - Everyone hates me cause I'm blue! That's what it is! I know it!

Scene 20 - Bridge.

Center - All essential personal are evacuated.

Senseless - Separate the ship, go to full impulse.

Center - Both ships' warp cores are breaching!

KA-BOOM!

Scene 21 - Captain's Yacht. The Yacht is returning after successfully returning Bob to his people.

Tener - I've found the Celestial. Well, half of it anyway.

Puker - Half?

Tener - I'm also detecting a large Borg debris field, and mixed in is debris that could only have come from the Celestial.

Righteous - Open a channel to the Celestial.

Tener - Channel open.

Righteous - SENSELESS! I CAN'T LEAVE FOR TWO HOURS WITHOUT YOU DESTROYING MY SHIP! DAMN IT! PROPHETS DAMN IT!

Scene 22 - Briefing room. All senior staff and Admiral Nelix are present.

Nelix - You idiots completely failed your inspection. However, you did an exemplary job destroying that Borg ship, so, against my better judgement, I've decided not to decommission you.

Senseless - Thank you sir. Now, there's the matter of the stardrive section. Ensign Center, what can we salvage from the wreckage?

Center - Well where's some of Captain Righteous' Orbs–

Senseless - What do we _want_ to salvage?

Righteous - My Orbs! We're salvaging my Orbs!

A no-name walks in.

No-Name #12 - Sirs, a sovereign class starship just dropped out of warp.

Nelix - Ah yes, here's my ride.

No-Name #12 - Captain, you should be aware that the stardrive of this sovereign class ship is identical to the stardrive of the Celestial.

Nelix - Well of course. The USS BiteMe was based partly on the Opaka Class design and...I'm not liking where this is going.

The senior staff look at each other.

Righteous - TO THE BRIDGE!

The officers run out, trampling Admiral Nelix along the way.

Nelix - HEY! Cruelty to animals! I'm calling the SPCA!

Scene 23 - Federation Council Chamber, San Francisco, Earth. Admiral Spot is standing at attention in a room filled with important people.

Federation President - Because of your excellent performance over the years, I am hereby promoting you to the rank of Fleet Admiral, and placing you in charge of Starfleet Command. Congratulations

The council chamber erupts into applause.

Spot - Thank you, sir. I promise to do my best. Well everyone, I had a hard life as a cat. It got even harder when I was placed in charge of the ninth fleet. I was in charge of overseeing several very important starships. The USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, USS Enterprise, USS Celestial, USS Borgbuster, USS Litterbox, USS Weedplant, and the USS Drunk. But I wouldn't be at the position I'm at today if it weren't for the brave and cowardly crews of those fine ships. I'll miss those guys. (Sniff).

Federation President - Very touching. Now, you get three flagships due to your new status. One of course will be the USS Litterbox, and the other two–

Spot - I've already made up my mind, sir. I choose the USS Saratoga and the USS Citadel.

Federation President - Oh, I'm sorry, you were under the impression that you picked, oh well, we chose your other two ships for you.

Spot - Oh God please don't let it be–

Federation President - The USS Borgbuster and the USS Celestial!

Spot - **DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!**

THE END


	3. Celestial 3

Star Trek: Celestial 3: Campaign Calamity

Captain's log: Stardate Who gives a damn. Due to our recent battles, and more due to the recent destruction of our stardrive section, we've been reassigned from battle to the dead center of the federation, Sector 153. Starfleet decided to let us keep the stardrive section that we "borrowed" from Admiral Nelix. The design is identical to the Celestial's old stardrive so the two sections fit together perfectly. However, some of the technology is different so we're still working out the bugs. In the meantime, our mission is to study and chart interstellar dust, several comets, and, most exciting of all, gaseous anomalies.

Scene 1 – Deck 2. Tener and Bios are walking slowly down a corridor with 4 no-names, scanning things with tricorders.

Bios – We're definitely getting closer.

They stop in front of a door.

Bios – No doubt about it. The anomalous readings are coming from this room.

Tener – Crewman Lynch's quarters.

Bios – Looks like there's a whole nebula in there.

Tener – God, what was he cooking for dinner?

Bios – I don't think it's safe for us to open this door.

Tener – I agree. OK boys, time to prove your worth. The first person to run in, get the late Crewman Lynch's latinum stash, and run out gets 10 of it!

No-Name #1 – Oh boy, danger pay! How can I lose?

The run at the door which fails to open, resulting in 4 embarrassed and unhappy no-names sitting on the floor.

Senseless – Tener and Bios report to the Bridge.

Tener – We're on our way sir. Keep at it guys, it'll open eventually.

Opening credits, followed closely by tones of commercials, with long, boring infomercials bringing up the rear.

Scene 2 – Bridge

All the senior staff except Greaser are present.

Center – Any idea what this is about, doc?

Puker – No clue, but it had better not take long. I've got a flat lining patient laying on a biobed that I should probably be getting back to.

Senseless – Senseless to Greaser, please report to the bridge.

A few minutes later Greaser steps onto the bridge.

Greaser – Yeah?

Righteous – Lieutenant, your performance over the past 2 years has been terrible. You have single-handedly caused the death of countless no-names. Morale drops through the floor when you enter the room. But we've got a slot to fill so I hearby promote you to the rank of Lieutenant-Commander.

Everyone above the rank of lieutenant claps. (Puker is a LC also)

Lieutenant-Commander Greaser – Well thanks, but I need to get back to my coolant leak in engineering.

Scene 3 – A shuttlecraft flies toward a comet. Onboard, the no-name crew run experiments and play poker.

NoName#2 – Read'em and weep, guys. Four aces.

NoName#3 – No fair! How come you get to sit next to the replicator?

NoName#4 – Well I think a royal flush beats four of a kind.

N0Name#5 – Hey I know! Let's fly the shuttle into the comets tail as it throws chunks of rock and ice at us!

NoName#2 – Excellent idea, I'll fly.

Clunk! Clunk! Clunk hiss!

NoName#4 – Oh boy! A hull breach! Wow, I've never sealed a hull breach before!

NoName#5 – Ah oh. This wasn't in the job description.

NoName#4 – What do you mean?

NoName#5 – An alien ship just dropped out of warp.

The big black ship that takes more brains that they have to identify it locks a tractor beam on the shuttle.

NoName#3 activates the com system.

NoName#3 – Shuttlecraft Boredom to USS Celestial, we require assistance.

NoName#2 – You don't really expect them to answer, do you?

NoName#3 – Just following standard procedure.

NoName#4 – Launching a message buoy.

The shuttle starts to shake and the no-names start to panic.

NoName#2 – We're all going to die!

NoName#3 – Their tractor beam emitter is venerable!

NoName#4 – What do we do!

NoName#3 – I don't know!

All the no-names – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Scene 4 – Bridge. All bridge officers are present.

Senseless – Mr. Center, try and find the source of this distress signal.

Center – Why don't you get a no-name to do it, most of them outrank me.

Senseless – Suck it up. Now trace that signal. Now!

Baque – You can't really be serious about finding those no-names?

Genocide – Of course not, but that was a Type 9 shuttle. Those are expensive!

Senseless – Set up a search grid.

Center – Captain, there is a transmission for you from Admiral Spot.

Righteous – I'll take it in my ready room.

Righteous walks into the ready room and turns on the screen, which has seen better days.

Righteous – Good morning, ma'am.

Spot – Report damn it!

Righteous – Everything's working well, enough. Crew morale is satisfactory, we've done a detailed scan of this Sector and we're currently in search of a missing shuttlecraft. Why do you ask?

Spot – The new president's a jerk and just got impeached.

Righteous – And how do we fit into this?

Spot – I have no idea what the other empires in the Alpha Quadrant will see this as. Some might try to disrupt the election process.

Righteous – Can you make this quick, ma'am? My favorite holovision show is coming on in a few minutes.

Spot – What?

Righteous – Terry the Tribble and Friends.

Spot – Terry the Tribble? Binky the Targ? Whatever happened to the classics like Time Trek and The Adventures of Trevus and Flatter?

Righteous – Can I go now ma'am?

Spot – Fine, I don't care. Send Commander Senseless in here to talk to me.

Righteous goes onto the bridge.

Righteous – Senseless, you're wanted on the comm.

Senseless enters the ready room and faces the viewscreen.

Senseless – Yes ma'am?

Spot – Remind me how Righteous got to be a captain?

Senseless – Politics. The Bajorans wanted a captain and the Federation wanted Bajor.

Spot – Right, right. What was so appealing about that worthless ball of rock anyway?

Senseless – You can thank Sisko for that ma'am.

Spot – Well let's get to that point. The Celestial is to return to Earth ASAP. You will enter the atmosphere and land…somewhere. I don't care where. I'm granting shore leave for your entire crew. Yes even Genocide. The Celestial will stay grounded for a few days. The Citadel and Saratoga will stay in orbit guarding the planet until the Celestial is done it's overhaul. Now get to it man.

Senseless stands still thinking of the implications of these orders.

Spot – HURRY UP COMMANDER, I ONLY HAVE NINE LIVES!

Spot slams her paw down on the comm-off button and something behind Senseless falls off the ceiling. Senseless goes onto the Bridge.

Senseless – Mr. Baque, set a course for Sector 001. I must inform you that you will all be getting a few days of shore leave on Earth.

Righteous – Now wait just a minute. How come you get to take shore leave on your home world? How come we never go to Bajor?

Senseless – We were at Bajor two weeks ago!

Righteous – That was in battle. I didn't get to pray in a shrine. And one more thing. How come Earth is designated Sector 001. Why does it get to be the most important planet in the known universe?

Senseless – Say, isn't Terry the Tribble on?

Righteous – It's a rerun. The Prophets told me so.

Baque flips a viewer on his console to the local comm. traffic and sees a commercial for an "all new Terry the Tribble and Friends, Thanksgiving day special, part 1 of 4."

Senseless – Warp 7, engage.

Scene 6 – Celestial drops out of warp and approaches Earth.

Senseless – Mr. Baque, enter the atmosphere.

The Celestial drops onto Earth over Los Angeles and merges into sky traffic.

Baque – Sure is a lot of traffic today. What time is it here?

Center – 1700 hours.

Baque – Oh Perfect. Rush hour.

Center – On a Sunday?

Baque – Even worse, old folks out for a Sunday drive.

Senseless – Lieutenant, I expect you to follow the rules of the sky. Is that clear?

Baque pilots the ship impatiently, tapping his fingers on the helm console and getting very frustrated.

Baque – After maneuvering at ¼ the speed of light, 200 km/h isn't very fast anymore. Ah and some asshole is tailgating us!

Center – Oh God forbid someone tailgating us. (he says as he rolls his eyes)

Outside, the Celestial's primary hull is up and over about 13 sky cars and the nearest one is halfway inside the deflector dish.

Baque – AH COME ON!

Center – We're entering San Francisco

Senseless – Start looking for a place to land.

Genocide – Where are we going to find a landing site for a 700 meter starship that weights an excess of a hundred thousand tonnes?

Baque – Just shove Voyager out of the way. They don't deserve their own landing spot. What great thing did they ever do?

Center – I think I can park us on top of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Righteous – The Prophets agree. Begin landing sequence.

Senseless – Blue alert.

He takes one look at an annoyed Baque and changes his mind.

Senseless – Make that Red Alert.

4 of the Celestial's eight landing gear struts touch down on the top of the Bridges two towers.

Center – So far so good. Deactivating anti-grav thrusters.

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, etc.

One by one the bridge's cables break and the whole mound of steal, concrete, and tritanium fall into the bay.

Baque – Great going, asshole.

Center – Um…look on the bright side! We're getting a few washing! …Incoming transmission.

Righteous – On screen.

Admiral Spot – What the hell have you done now?

Righteous – When you said we could land anywhere, we assumed—

Spot – Ah, yes, I'll have to omit that detail from my report.

Senseless – Well this isn't the first famous landmark we've destroyed and I somehow doubt it'll be the last. No point crying over spilled milk.

At hearing the word milk, Spot starts to twitch and flinch.

Spot – Must, not, revert, to, cat, instincts.

Spot finally succumbs to the pressure and runs off to find a replicator.

Spot – Meow damn it!

Senseless – Well I suggest we all start preparing for shore leave. Shut down all systems.

Scene 7 - Outside the ship two humpback whales float looking at the big heap of scrapmetal, and the remains of the bridge too.

Whale #1: hum sing (Why did we agree to help these idiots again?)

Whale #2 - (I don't know, but you have to admit it is pretty funny.)

Scene 8 - Messhall. Genocide is drinking a protein shake as Tener rambles on about security problems and ways to fix them. Baque and Greaser walk in carrying Starfleet Standard Issue backpacks.

Baque - Hey did you two have any plans?

Genocide - Well there was this weapons show I was going to go to, but now I found out they keep the safeties on them at all times.

Tener - I was just going to stay here and watch the fish through the windows.

Greaser - Do you want to come with us to the Voyager Museum?

Baque - It'll be lots of funnn!

Genocide - Voyage eh? Count me in.

Tener - Sure. I'll go to!

Scene 9 - Voyager's ready rom. Admiral Janeway is talking through her nose to some useless looking civilian guy.

Janeway - Yes, it was four years that the Hirogen took over Voyager and to this day I have never told anyone that I still have the hunting party leader's head on a pole in my quarters.

As Janeway goes on and on about her glorious battles with te Hirogen, the civilian guy looks over her shoulder and sees Genocide and Tener going down the side of the hull with mountain climbing gear.

No-Name #6 - Hey what are they going?

Without even looking, Janeway says:

Janeway - Painting Voyager's hull, I hope. Computer, coffee, black.

Scene 10 - Genocide and Tener step down onto Voyager's port dorsal phaser strip.

Genocide - Alright, I'll go after the armour emitters, and you go after the transphasic torpedoes.

Tener - This is too easy.

Scene 11 - Voyager, deck 6. Baque and Greaser are testing out holodeck programs and downloading the ones they want to take back to the Celestial. They are in the middle of trying one of Naomi Wildman's programs when the door opens, revealing Voyager's EMH.

The Doctor - Excuse me, I believe it is my holodeck time you're using now.

Baque - Sorry bout that. We're just visiting. I'm Toc Baque, helmsman of the USS Celestial.

Doctor - Oh great, a reincarnation of Tom Paris.

Greaser - Tell me about it.

Doctor - Well I'm going to have to ask you to leave now. I've got one hour to play 18 holes.

Baque - We're almost done.

Doctor - You're done now.

Baque - Not yet! I'm almost done downloading!

Doctor - I'm switching the program, like it or not.

Baque - Get away from that console!

Ow! Hey! Let go!

A bunch of crap happens, resulting in Mickey Mouse dancing down the corridor wearing the Doctor's mobile emitter.

Mickey - Oh boy! Haha!

Greaser - No good can come of this.

Doctor - You look what you've done! Go get my emitter back!

Baque - Computer, end program.

Doctor - Now wait just a proverbial minute–!

Bzzzt!

Baque - Let's get out of here!

Scene 12 - Starfleet HQ. Senseless is talking with Righteous and Boothby in the Academy gardens. Seven of Nine walks up dragging Genocide and Tener behind her.

Seven - These two were attempting to violate the Temporal Prime Directive. I believe they belong to you.

Seven drops the two officers in a heap and then walks away to round up more trouble makers.

Senseless - What am I going to do with you two?

Righteous - We could sacrifice them to the Prophets.

Senseless - The thought has crossed my mind.

Genocide - Sir, I take full responsibility for all of this. Lieutenant Tener was acting under my orders.

Tener - You're just saying that so you can claim all the fame when you prefect the technology you stole from Voyager!

Senseless - I just hope Baque and Greaser have enough common sense to not do anything stupid...

Scene 13 - Baque and Greaser are flying a shuttle, chasing Mickey Mouse in the Delta Flyer through downtown San Francisco .

Greaser - Watch out! Behind you! Over there! You're too close! I can't watch!

Baque turns around in his seat and faces her.

Baque - I piolet one of the fastest ships in the fleet. I can fly a damn shuttle!

Baque turns around in time to see the antimatter truck's "If you can read this, you're royally screwed!" sign.

Baque - F#K!

Baque shoots the shuttle into a nose dive and narrowly misses the truck. However he doesn't turn quite the right way and smashes Pathfinder Headquarters and goes out the other side.

Admiral Paris - Reg, why do I get the felling that, somehow, you're partly responsible for this mess?

Greaser - Found him! Veer left at the next intersection!

Baque - Inertial dampeners are offline. Get ready to pull a few G's!

Baque flies the shuttle up, down, left, and right as Greaser is tossed around like a targ in the back of the cabin.

Baque - Where did he go? He was right there a second ago?

Greaser - Look out behind–!

The Flyer opens fire and phasers the shuttle.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque - Engines are offline! We're going doooooowwwwwnnnnnnnnnn!

The shuttle falls a whopping 10 metres and slams into the Federation Monument. Mickey lands the Flyer and gets out.

Mickey - Not you're average Walt Disney masterpiece, am I? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my show at the House of Mouse.

Mickey skips off and Baque and Greaser climb out of the wreaked shuttle. Baque looks up at the smashed Monument.

Baque - Yep, Senseless was right.

Greaser - Now what?

Baque - Now we go back to the ship and pretend like nothing happened.

Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Genocide, Tener, and Center are present as Baque and Greaser walk in.

Tener - Oh hi. You're just in time to watch the speeches by the presidential candidates.

The viewscreen activates showing and old Vulcan.

Vulcan #1 - As president, I would force all races to adopt the Vulcan philios–

Audience - BOOO!

The Vulcan leaves as he is pelted with Risan beets. The next candidate gets up on stage.

Seven - I am 7 of 9, terchiary adjunct of Unimatrix 01. You will vote for me. Resistance is futile.

Seven leaves and the holographic Mickey Mouse gets up on stage.

Mickey - Vote for ME, and I promise free cake and ice cream every day!

Audience - YAY!

Baque - Sht.

Greaser - No more pretending like nothing happened. Guys, we need some help.

Genocide - Name it. I'm bored.

Greaser - Follow me.

Greaser, Genocide, Tener, and Baque leave. A few seconds later Senseless comes out of the Briefing room.

Senseless - I just got off the com with Admiral Spot. Man is Starfleet pissed about that bridge.

Boom, ship rocks.

Senseless - And that was...?

Center - There's a hull breach on deck 4, section 8. Looks like Genocide's quarters are flooded.

Senseless - Deck 4 section 8? Genocide doesn't live on deck 4, section 8... **_I DO_**!

Senseless bangs his head against the wall a few times, then looks around.

Senseless - Where is everyone?

Center - Bios went to Starfleet's Institute for Advanced Computer Development, Stoner and Dr. Puker went to Luna, the Captain is off wandering alone in the wilderness, and Tener, Baque, Greaser, and Genocide are off assassinating one of the presidential candidates.

Senseless - Then where is the rest of the crew? Don't you track their every move too?

Center - No, not really.

Senseless - Well you should, just to make them feel wan----THEY'RE GOING TO DO _WHAT_!

Center - Um...I tried to stop them but they threatened to stun me. Getting shot hurts!

Scene 15 - Just outside of the arena where the candidates speak. The four assassin wannabe's are checking the settings on their phaser rifles.

Tener - There. This setting should disrupt his holomatrix without damaging the emitter.

Up on the stage...

Reporter #1 - And what do you promise to do if you get elected?

7 of 9 - Negotiation is irrelevant. You will vote for me.

Seven leaves and the Vulcan gets up on the stage.

Vulcan #1 - First, instead of teaching hand to hand combat at the Academy, everyone would learn the Vulcan neck pinch..

Greaser - Ok, Mickey is next. This is a hit and run. I've got the Celestial's transporters locked onto us, and this phaser grenade here will disrupt the residual transporter signal. No one will know we were here.

The Vulcan leaves. Suddenly, a temporal portal opens on the stage and Binky the Mistreated Targ comes out.

Reporter #1 - And you, Mr. Targ, what do you promise?

Binky looks around at the hundreds of people gathered and looking at him.

Binky - urg...WHEE!

Audience Member #1 - That's the best speech we've heard all day!

The crowd start cheering Binky's name; for some reason someone knew it. Mickey gets up on stage and pushes Binky aside.

Genocide - This is it. Show time.

Baque - You'd think they would have better security at things like this.

As they raise their weapons, 47 hands holding phasers point at their heads. 19 shuttlecraft fly in and a forcefield engages around the stage.

Greaser - Um...(gulp)...energize.

Bzzzt! (Transporter sound)

Scene 16 - Senseless is yelling at the four misfits as Captain Farfetched and Righteous look on. Bios is standing in a corner, trying to look innocent even though she is guilty of blowing out the South American power grid. Everyone is ignoring the viewscreen, which is showing Binky and Mickey in hot debate.

Senseless - I'M ALWAYS HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOU THREE, but not usually with you Tener! I think your rank and effective immortality has gone to your head. You're all senior officers. You are supposed to be setting an example for the rest of the crew!

Baque - They're just going to die eventually anyway.

Senseless - That's no excuse. Captain Farfetched, do you ever have problems like this?

Farfetched - Never. No jackasses on my ship!

Up above the Earth, the Saratoga and the Citadel are having a mock battle with real weapons.

Bridge of the Saratoga...

NoName #7 - Boy this is good fun! Quantum torpedoes, full spread!

Righteous - What I don't understand is how you could even think of harming something the Prophets created.

Baque - The Prophets didn't create Mickey Mouse, Walt Disney did!

Righteous - No, the Prophets did.

Baque - No they didn't!

Righteous - Did too!

Baque - Didn't!

Greaser - The power serge was caused by the deuterium injectors!

Center - No it was the antimatter injectors!

Greaser - Deuterium!

Center - Antimatter!

Genocide - Beam phasers are better!

Tener - Pulse phasers are better!

Baque - Didn't!

Greaser - Deuterium!

Righteous - Did!

Center - Antimatter!

Tener - Your mom!

Farfetched **_SHUT UP!_** I've had enough of this bickering!

The room goes silent except for the viewscreen.

Mickey - Ice cream!

Binky - Whee!

Mickey - Ice cream!

Binky - Whee!

Farfetched - **AHHHHHHHH! GOD DAMN IT!**

Farfetched runs into the turbolift as Puker and Stoner walk out of it.

Senseless - Well at least you two didn't break, kill, steal, or argue about anything.

Viewscreen Reporter - We'll continue covering the debate in a few minutes. In other news, the Bubonic Plaque has mysteriously broken out on the Lunar Colony...

Senseless - Son, of, a, bitch.

Scene 17 - Breen ship

Breen #1 - (Still nothing?)

Breen #2 - (No. I've been sitting at this console for hours. This can't be good for my circulation.)

Breen #1 - (Idiot! We don't have blood!)

Breen #2 - (Well I'm getting sick of this. Let's ditch the shuttle and go back to Breen space.)

Breen #1 - (Actually I've got a better idea.)

Breen #2 - (As long as it doesn't involve work I'm all for it.)

Breen #1 - (Set a course for Earth, warp 4. Engage the perfectly-legal-not-stolen-from-a-Romulan-warbird-cloaking device.)

Breen #2 - (This plan stinks!)

Scene 18 - Next morning. Greaser stumbles into the messhall and walks up to a replicator.

Greaser - How much does a large supercaff cost today?

Computer - More than you can afford you stupid bitch.

Greaser whips out a phaser and blows the replicator to pieces.

Greaser - Wrong answer.

She goes and sits down at a table across from Baque and Bios.

Bios - What was that for?

Greaser - If you know what kind of morning I've had you wouldn't be asking that question.

Baque - What happened?

Greaser - First, the computer neglected to wake me up at 0600, then my sonic shower tried to kill me. I accidentally swallowed my combadge, and to top it all off–

She shoots a menacing glare at Bios.

Greaser - --My toilet exploded!

Bios - You shouldn't have eaten the Turbolax Surprise then.

Greaser - You're lucky I used all the charge in this phaser on that replicator.

Baque - Would someone please tell me how turbolax surprise got to be one of the standard Starfleet meals?

Bios - It's cheap and excellent for clearing out your intestines.

Senseless walks in and gets an ear full as Greaser, Bios, and Baque go on talking about diereah, turbolax, and exploding toilets.

Senseless -... I don't even want to know.

He goes off in some random direction.

Greaser - Lieutenant, I am ORDERING you to fix the toilets on deck 3 a-sap!

Senseless - WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE REPLICATOR?

NoName #8 - Lieutenant-Commander Greaser did it, sir! Demote her! Demote her! Promote me! Promote–

Greaser throws her dead phaser at the NoName ninja style with such force that it goes through his chest and gets lodged in the wall behind him.

Senseless - COMMANDER! Explain yourself!

Greaser - I've had a shtty week. First we crash into this stupid bay and I'm the one stuck fixing all the hull breaches. Then I have the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and when I try to help fix the mess Baque made I get yelled at. One thing after another, so I don't have the patience to deal with smart-mouthed subordinates. So with all due respect sir, f off!

Greaser stomps out of the room.

Senseless - I'll have to make a mental note not to enter the messhall before 0800.

Scene 19 - Genocide is standing in Holodeck 3 holding a phaser rifle, and covered from head to foot in phaser power packs.

Genocide - Computer, initiate program Genocide 4 Omega.

A poorly drawn pirate's head appears in mid air.

Pirate - ARE YOU READY KIDS?

Genocide - Yes.

Pirate - I can't heeereeee yoooooouuuu!

Genocide - Yes, hurry up!

Pirate - I still can't hear youuuuuuuu!

Genocide - START THE DAMN PROGRAM, ASSWIPE!

Pirate - OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

Who lives in a bomb shelter under the sea!

SpongeBob SquarePants!Genocide - AHHHH!

Immature, stupid, and boring is he!

SpongeBob SquarePants!Pzzzzttt!

Pzzzzttt!

Him writhing in agony is everyone's wish!

SpongeBob SquarePants!Genocide - AHHHHH!

SpongeBob - Uhhhhh! Nooo!

When you behead him he flops like a fish!

SpongeBob SquarePants!Genocide - DIEEEEEE!

SpongeBob SquarePants!Pzzzt! Pzzzt! BANG!

SpongeBob SquarePants!SpongeBob - No! Please! Patrick! HELP!

Spongy-Bobbbb!

Square Pannnnnttts!

Pzzzt! Slice!

Toot-toot-too-toot-too-too-too-BOOM!

Genocide leaves the holodeck covered in blood, seawater, and yellow foam.

Genocide - Yep, there's nothing like a little R&R.

Senseless(intercom) - All senior staff report to the briefing room at once.

Scene 20 - The Briefing Room. All the senior staff except Righteous are present.

Senseless - OK, where is he now!

Greaser - Forget him. Tell me why I'm here.

Senseless - Alright then, first let's get out of this water.

Center - But Starfleet said we had to stay here as part of our punishment.

Tener - Part? You mean there's more?

Senseless - We've been embarrassed long enough. For the past two years we've been the laughing stock of the Alpha Quadrant. Mr. Baque, when I dismiss you, I want you to launch the Celestial and take us into low Earth orbit.

Bios - What about Mickey Mouse?

Tener - Stop bringing that up!

Bios - I'd be glad to decompile his program. You know, upgrade him and everything.

Senseless - Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Remember, he's still just a hologram. Granted he's a hologram that can operate the Delta Flyer and understand the politics of the Federation, but a hologram nonetheless. He probably thinks he's running for Prime Minister of the Magic Kingdom or something. I'm going to go have a chat with the people running the election. Is there anything else?

Greaser - Yeah! I want you to know that I feel Starfleet is being very racist when it comes to what species go on what ship. I'm going to file a protest on behalf of the Bolion government.

Senseless - ..grrr...Computer, list the number and members of each non-human species currently serving onboard the Celestial.

Computer - There are currently 19 Betazoids, 12 Trills, 35 Vulcans, 30 Bolions, 3 Bynars, 6 Tellerites, 16 Bajorans, 9 Katarians, 4 Andorians, and one overworked and under-maintenanced computer core serving onboard the USS Celestial.

Senseless - Computer, verify that all ship's systems are being routed through the auxiliary computer processor.

Computer - Affirmative, damn it.

Greaser - Yeah, well, Computer, how many humans are serving onboard the ship?

Computer - 596–

Greaser - HA!

Computer - point 4.

Greaser - Wah..?

Senseless - Dismissed.

Everyone sits still thinking of that point four.

Senseless - NOW DAMN IT! MY QUARTERS ARE FLOODED!

Scene 21 - Sickbay. Ensign Stoner and Doctor Puker are packing up for lunch after a morning of treating seasick no-names. Paramount decided to kill time by putting in this otherwise pointless scene.

Puker - Ensign, go replicated some new hypo-sprays.

Stoner - Logic dictates I should focus my attention elsewhere.

Puker - Shut up and do it.

Stoner - Logic dictates you should find another crewman to preform this duty.

Puker - Logic also dictates I shove my foot up your ass! Get to it! That's an order!

Stoner complies but gives Puker a long and boring speech on the meaning of logic.

Scene 22 - Bridge. The Celestial is slowly making it's way into orbit as Baque flies the ship around trying to dry it off. In the meantime the bridge crew are watching another live debate between Mickey and Binky, who are the only two candidates left after 7 of 9 was kicked out for trying to assimilate the Vulcan guy, who decided the Federation was too illogical.

Mickey -... Well, at least I'm not a smelly targ!

Binky - Whee!

Mickey - Hab Sosli Quch!(you're mother had a smooth forehead)

Binky - WHEE!

Mickey - You did NOT just say that!

Binky - Whee! Whee!

Mickey - You'd better take that back right now!

Binky - WHEE!

Mickey - That's it! I'm kicking your ass!

Mickey lunges at Binky who charges forward and the two start street fighting there on the stage.

Senseless - Oh for Christ's sake! Ensign, lock onto them and beam to transporter room 2. Isolate the mobile emitter and beam it to Voyager.

Center - I've got them. Mickey Mouse has been integrated into the Celestial's holoemitters.

Senseless - Good, we'll deal with him later.

Baque - We're entering standard orbit.

Righteous - Very good. I'll ask the Prophets what we should do next.

Senseless - That's not too difficult. We should go over to the San Francisco Shipyards and get those hull breaches fixed. I think there's enough latinum in the coffers to pay for it so –

Center - LARGE BREEN WARSHIP DECLOAKING DEAD AHEAD!

Senseless - WHAT!

Baque - Crap. Work time.

Genocide - Alright! Play time!

Bios - Since when do the Breen have cloaking technology?

Center - Since now obviously.

Senseless - This might make our jobs a little more difficult. Open a channel.

Center - Channel open.

Senseless - This is the Federation starship Celestial. GET THE F AWAY FROM OUR HOMEWORLD!

Center - No response.

Senseless - Where's the Saratoga and the Citadel?

Center - The Saratoga is heavily damaged and the Citadel has crashed into the Luner colony.

Senseless - God damn it.

Bios - Look on the bright side, no more bubonic plaque.

Senseless - Captain, let's fight. Their ship doesn't look that tough, I think we can win. Captain?

Righteous is still praying...or he is dead; the crew can never tell the difference anymore.

Senseless - CAPTAIN!

Righteous - Who what when where why!

Senseless - Breen, big ship, now, here, I don't know why!

Righteous - Hail them.

Baque - Been there, tried that. Bought the t-shirt.

Genocide - Ah oh. Brace for impact!

Senseless - Evasive manoeuvres!

Mr. Baque's attempt to avoid getting hit only results in the Breen torpedo hitting an even more critical part of the hull.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - Hey what the! Raise the damn shields!

Genocide - Ventral shield generator is gone.

Senseless - Target their reactor. Fire at will.

Genocide - Hey, you don't have to tell me twice.

Center - Direct hit to their primary reactor. No effect.

SMASH!

Center - Hull breach on deck 14.

Senseless - Open a channel...DAMN IT THAT WAS A BRAND NEW STARDRIVE SECTION YOU TWITS!

Center - Sir, we should pull the battle away from Earth. Some of our stray torpedoes have already impacted the surface.

Senseless - Alright. Mr. Baque, set a course to the densest part of the asteroid belt.

Scene 23 - Transporter room 2. Tener and a NoName-dime-a-dozen yellow shirt are trying to restrain Binky and Mickey.

Tener - ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!

Binky - Whee!

Mickey - Yeah what he said, so f off!

NoName #8 - Sir, I don't think standing next to the transporter is a good idea. For some reason they're the first things to go during a battle.

Tener - Nonsense. That's just an urban legend. Everyone know's it's not tr—

_**KA-BOOM!**_

The entire transporter pad explodes. The holoemitters in the room shatter and Mickey fizzles out of existence. Binky is swallowed by a temporal portal, NoName #8 is incinerated, and Tener is thrown across the room and knocked out.

Scene 24 - Sickbay. Puker and Stoner are up to their knees in casualties when a large group of crewmen come in dragging an unconscious Tener.

Puker - More? Sht. Computer, activate the EMH.

Bugs Bunny - Ehhhh...What's up doc?

Puker - **BBBBBBIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOSSSSSS!**

Scene 25 - Bridge.

Senseless - Put us behind that asteroid over there.

Baque - Whatever...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - Tactical report.

Genocide - Aft torpedo launchers offline, ventral phaser strip offline, shields are at 39, and the Breen are barely scratched.

Senseless - Do I even want to hear a damage report?

Center - No sir, so I'll give you one anyway. Deck 6 is decompressed, hull breaches on all decks, warp drive is offline, sensors are malfunctioning, life support is fluctuating, and –

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - And a torpedo just destroyed all of deck 4, section 8.

Senseless - Figures. Genocide, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but if you have ANY technology from Voyager that could give us the edge...

Genocide - Of course, the ONE time I follow orders and destroy what I find–

WHAM!

The briefing room is destroyed and only a cheap force field prevents everything on the bridge from being sucked out through the broken briefing room doors.

Greaser enters the bridge from the turbolift.

Greaser - I'm not fixing that.

Genocide - Why are you here?

Greaser - Engineering's a vacuum.

SMASH! Something breaks and the engineering console catches fire. Greaser turns right around and heads for the turbolift, but, of course, that won't work either. She heads over to a vacant station at the back of the Bridge.

Senseless - Where are they?

Center - They're hugging the asteroid's surface, coming around for an attack run.

Senseless - ...we've got them...Eject the warp core down into the asteroid.

Greaser - But sir that's a brand new warp core–

Senseless - THAT'S AN ORDER!

Greaser ejects the core. It smashes into the small asteroid, destroying it. Debris strikes both the Celestial and the Breen ship. Both ships are thrown near each other and for dramatic effect the come to face each other.

Senseless gets up off the blood stained carpet.

Senseless - Report.

Center - Both ships are heavily damaged.

Baque - No sht!

Bios - Their's – and our's – shield grids have been destroyed. Phaser batteries are gone on both of us. Massive hull damage to both ships. Neither of us will survive another hit.

Center - Sir, they're loading a torpedo.

Genocide - I've got enough power for one quantum torpedo.

Greaser - We're at a draw and they know it.

Center - They're hailing.

Senseless - On screen.

Beep! The viewscreen changes to show a broken Breen bridge.

Senseless - I believe it would be in both of our interests to call a cease-fire.

The Breen commander gives him the finger.

Senseless - Well, how 'bout a trade! You don't destroy us, and we give you safe passage back to Breen space.

The Breen commander adds his other middle finger to the ever growing party.

Senseless - Well then, today is a good day to–

All of a sudden, Righteous stops praying and points to a corner of the viewscreen.

Righteous - Look! A distraction!

All of the Breen on the bridge turn around and look to where Righteous was pointing.

Righteous - Go back to the Pah Wraiths you sinners!

Genocide presses a button and a quantum torpedo flies out of the Celestial straight at the Breen ship.

Breen Commander - aeswahaowebagnw(Translation: FCK!)

SMASH! Debris and atmosphere fly everywhere as explosions ripple across the battleship's hull and in seconds the Galaxy class sized warship is reduced to a pile of smouldering rubble.

Righteous - YEAH! Score **1** for the enlightened!

The rest of the bridge crew start at him with expressions of disbelief.

Baque - Righteous saved the day?

Senseless - God I hate this ship.

Scene 25 - On Earth. Admiral Spot is walking along a road with the Vulcan guy.

Spot - (Congratulations on winning the election, even if it was by default.)

Vulcan - It was logical. You have my gratitude for inviting me for tea.

Chink! Spot steps on something metal.

Spot - (What's this?)

Vulcan - It appears to be part of the casing to a Type II quantum torpedo. It is badly burned.

Spot - (Looks like there was some writing on it)

Vulcan - Can you make out to letters?

Spot - (Some of them. This here definitely says USS.)

Vulcan - Obviously a Federation torpedo. It probably came from a recent battle.

Spot - (Most likely. There were two in the past two days. What are the other letters on the casing?)

Vulcan - C-E-L-E-S-T. Perhaps it was the USS Celestial.

Spot - (Figures. Those idiots couldn't hit the broad side of a Borg cube. The wasted half their complement fighting a Breen ship a few hours ago.)

Vulcan - Well then that explains this 10 km wide crater in from of us.

Spot - (WHAT!)

Spot climbs onto the Vulcan's shoulder to get a better view. Sure enough, there is a huge crater where her house used to be.

Spot - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial

NCC - 91482

"Fight for only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around"


	4. Celestial 4

Celestial #4 - Night of the NoNames.

By Swordtail (actually their all by me)

Scene 1 - Messhall. Only a few NoNames are present along with Senseless and Righteous.

Righteous - Ah yes. Morning on the Celestial. The most peaceful and quiet time of all. The night shift crew have fallen asleep at their posts and the morning shift is refusing to wake up. This is the perfect time for praying.

Senseless - Yeah it is pretty quiet.

Pause, as they sip their drinks. Tener then runs into the messhall screaming:

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA! AHHHHHHHH!

The entire ship wakes up. Loud mumbling fills the messhall.

Senseless - Yep, it's going to be one of those days...

Opening credits, showing the ship flying around aimlessly instead of doing it's mission.

Scene 2 - Briefing room. All are present. Tener is shouldering a phaser rifle and looks scared shtless. Genocide is also holding a rifle but looks calm and relaxed. Baque are Center are having a mercy fight and Greaser and Stoner are btch-slapping each other. Bios is dismantling the wall monitor and Puker is handing out Tylenol to NoNames. Righteous is praying and Senseless is banging his head against the table.

Tener - I'm telling you man, their coming for us.

Center - How-MERCY- do you know?

Tener - Two Federation starships near here have recently been mysteriously destroyed.

Senseless - That doesn't mean anything.

Tener - YES IT DOES! It means that zombie radioactive no-names are heading this way! What other reason is there for the destruction of those two ships?

Genocide - Oh, I don't know...maybe...The WAR!

Tener - I'm telling you, we gotta raise shields, charge weapons and get the hell out of here!

Senseless - The latter of which we most certainly will do. We are ordered to escort Ambassador Worf to Quo'nos.

Bios - Um sir? Ambasssador Worf was on one of the ships that blew up.

Senseless - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Righteous - Everything will work out fine. It always does.

Baque - Not on this ship.

Stoner - That is not logical. We have so far managed to survive.

Baque - I've had about enough of your logic crap. One more word and I'm going to kick your Vulcan ass!

Senseless - I'm getting a headache...

Puker - Tylenol?

Senseless - No thanks, I've got a crate of the stuff in my quarters.

NoName #1 - Bridge to Captain Righteous.

Righteous - ...

NoName #1 - Captain Righteous, please respond.

Righteous - ...

Senseless - Senseless to bridge, what is it?

NoName #1 - Sir, there is an escape pod decloaking off the port bow. There is one klingon lifesign onboard.

Stoner - Ambassador Worf was the only klingon aboard those ships, to one can logically conclude it is him.

Baque - That's it! Get over here!

Senseless - HEY! Knock it off. Crewman, Beam him to the briefing room.

Bzzzzzt!

Worf - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tener - AH! He's been zombiefied!

Worf - What? NO! DAMN IT! I need sleep! Send me back to that pod!

Senseless - Sorry, sir, but we have to get you to Quo'nos.

Worf - Can I sleep along the way?

Center - Of course.

Worf - Good. Since I left DS9 my biological clock has been screwed up trying to get back into 24 hour time mode. I haven't managed to get more than an hour of sleep at a time. I'm so tired I keep making mistakes.

Bios - Are you responsible for the destruction of your escort ship?

Worf - Partially. I fell asleep at the tactical console while we were under attack and accidentally lowered the shields.

Genocide - Who attacked you?

Worf - I am not sure. It was a very old and heavily damaged 2370's Galaxy Class, with hole through it, one nacelle missing, no life signs, yet it destroyed two Federation Akira class starships. Oh and a lot of radiation was coming from that ship.

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tener runs screaming from the room.

Senseless - Would someone please sedate him before he hurts himself!

Stoner leaves the room.

Senseless - That's better. Now Ambassador, do you have any more information regarding the ship that attacked you?

Worf - zzzzzzzzzzzsnorezzzzzzzzz

Senseless - DAMN IT WORF WAKE UP!

Worf - Kahless Damn It!

Senseless - As I was saying before, so you have any additional information?

Worf - I don't know, I slept through most of it.

Tener pokes his head into the room.

Tener - ZOMBIE NONAMES! AHHHHH–

Stoner's arm comes out of nowhere and gives Tener the Vulcan neck pinch.

Righteous - You'll have to excuse him, he's not usually like this.

Greaser - But what if he's right?

Senseless - I'll say this once and I'm not going to say it again: There are no such things as radioactive mutant zombie no–

WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.

Intercom - All hands, battle stations! Senior staff report to the bridge.

They get up and go onto the bridge.

Senseless - Wait, don't tell me. Let me guess...

Center - The ship matching Mr. Worf's description is firing at us.

Senseless - Take out their weapons.

Pwee pwee!

Genocide - Done.

Center - They're on a collision course!

Righteous - Evasive manoeuvres!

Senseless - Mr. Baque, get us out of here!

They all look at the empty helm chair.

Senseless - LIEUTENANT!

Baque is arm wrestling with Worf at the side of the bridge.

Baque - What? I'm keeping him awake.

Bios - But he's asleep.

Baque - Well in that case...I...was...um...letting him win. Yeah that's it...

Senseless- Jesus Christ. Computer, activate the manual steering column.

Computer - That feature is only available in the registered version of CelestOS. Upgrade today!

SMASH!

Center - Hull breach on deck 20!

Baque goes to his station...finally.

Baque - Engines are offline.

Genocide - Weapons are offline.

Greaser - Warp core is offline.

Senseless - The Captain is offline.

Righteous - mumble mumble Huh? What? Did something happen?

Center - The hostile is wedged into deck 20.

Bios - Here we go with calling it a hostile...

Tener wakes up.

Tener - I'm not going to be the one to take on an army of undead nonames.

Senseless - There are no such things as zombies. The ship's computer probably just malfunctioned and started fighting other Federation ships.

Bios - A cloud of radiation is moving through deck 20.

Senseless looks as his swivel console and sees the life signs on deck 20 wink out as they are overcome by radiation.

Senseless - Oh for frank's sake. Seal off deck 20.

Righteous - Security to deck 19...I can recognize the radioactive isotopic quantum signature of a Pah Wraith anywhere...

Senseless - Um...ok...

Tener - I'm not going anywhere.

Senseless - Do you want to be demoted?

Tener - At least I'll still be alive...for a while.

Senseless - Fine. Genocide, go.

Genocide - Oh kick ASS!

Genocide takes off from his console and smashes open the turbolift doors. He runs into the vacant shaft and free falls 8 decks.

Genocide - Oie, that last step was a doozey.

With that he falls unconscious

Senseless - 400 years and Murphy's Law still reins over the galaxy. If something can go wrong, it probably will.

Scene 3 - Deck 19. Several no-name dime-a-dozen security guards are guarding a jefferies tube hatch. Naturally, you know someone's going to die in this scene.

NoName #2 - Why do we have to be on the front lines?

NoName #3 - Because we're expendable.

NoName #2's tricorder starts beeping urgently. She opens it and checks the readout.

NoName #2 - The radiation on this hatch just increased by a factor of ten!

A knocking sound comes from the hatch.

NoName #3 - Who is it?

Someone - Urgg.

NoName #3 - Sorry, that's not today's security code. Come back next Tuesday.

Someone - Urgggg!

NoName #3 - No! Get a life!

Someone - Urgg! Urgg!

NoName #3 reaches to open the hatch.

NoName #3 - I'm not going to tell you again. Next urgg and I'm blowing you to pieces.

He opens the hatch and sees a pale-faced half burned humanoid thing crawling towards him.

NoName #2 and 3 - AHHHHH!

NoName #2 vaporizes the zombie but dozens more come out and overcome them and eat their brains and all that fun stuff.

NoName #4 - AH! Security breach! Security breach!

NoName #4 shoots the zombies repeatedly but the shots just blow holes through them and they keep coming.

NoName #4 - I'd better get a damn raise for this!

Scene 4 - Sickbay. Center, Stoner, Puker, Righteous, Tener, and Senseless are standing over an unconscious Genocide who is lying on a biobed.

Senseless - What's his condition, doctor?

Puker - He broke every second bone in his body. It's a miracle he survived at all.

Senseless - This couldn't have come at a worse time. Our ship is heavily damaged, and the reports coming in from the lower decks are not good. The intruders have taken over most of deck 19, and their description is that they're zombie-like.

Tener -HAH! I told you so!

Greaser walks in.

Greaser - Damn it, if those bastards keep walking into the force fields like they are, the emitters will overload.

Righteous - Ensign Center, please send out a distress signal.

Center - Right away.

Center leaves the room and goes right down the corridor. Senseless and Righteous leave and go left.

Senseless - We're pretty isolated. I doubt help will arrive for a while.

Suddenly, Sonic the Hedgehog flies around the corner at Mach 3 and throws the two officers into the wall.

Senseless - I'm starting to realize that having holoemitters on every deck isn't such a good idea. Hey...That's it! We can use the holoemitters on deck 19 and 20 to create and army of holo-soldiers!

Righteous - We'll fix this problem before you can say "all hail the Prophets!"

As soon as the words leave his mouth, main power goes offline.

Senseless - God damn it.

Tener runs by.

Tener - AH! Who turned out the lights!

Worf - Who cares? Now I can get some sleep!

Greaser - Fing no-names. They can't shove a sharp stick into a bucket of sht! They have to be supervised at ALL darn times!

Senseless - The forcefields on deck 19 were tied into a separate power source, right?

Greaser stands still staring at him.

Greaser - ...Ok, here's what I think happened:

With that she promptly turns around and leaves.

Senseless - All hands, retreat to deck 18 and seal off deck 19. All senior staff report to the briefing room.

Righteous - I think the talky thingy is broken.

Tener - You mean the comm system.

Righteous - You say tomato, I say cucumber...

Senseless - Crap. Lieutenant, go take command of the security force like you should have ten minutes ago.

Tener - I'm not risking my life for–

Senseless - If they don't kill you, I certainly will, now go!

Senseless stomps off to round up the senior staff.

Tener - Damned if I do, damned if I don't. And while I'm at it, why don't I go to Quo'nos and start a bar fight? Christ.

Scene 5 - USS Saratoga. Captain Farfetched is sitting in his duct taped command chair on the battle bridge because the main bridge is destroyed. An Andorian pops his head up from behind the tactical railing that was just recently fixed.

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Sir, I'm picking up a distress signal. It's from the USS Celestial.

Farfetched - This had better not be one of your poorly thought out practical jokes, Garsh. I still haven't forgiven you for that incident last week where you destroyed the USS Citadel.

Commander Shelby - I'm getting it too.

Farfetched - And youuuu, you jackass, where were you when all that was happening? And don't pull the old "malfunctioning holodeck" trick on me! I've heard it a million times before.

Lieutenant Scratcher - OPS REPORTING SIR! THERE IS INDEED A PRIORITY ONE DISTRESS SIGNAL EMANATING FROM THE USS CELESTIAL SIR!

Farfetched - Tone it down a notch before I demote you to the rank of Private, jackass.

Scratcher - SIR YES SIR!

NoName #5 - Shall I set a course for the Celestial, sir or ma'am?

Shelby - Yes, but make sure we only have to turn right. Every time we make a left the saucer separates.

Scene 6 - Celestial, deck 7 - Senseless is waiting impatiently at a turbolift door. Greaser walks down a corridor and meets him.

Senseless - Damn EPS conduits malfunctioning again?

Greaser - Everything's offline. We've only got eight hours before gravity plating goes too. As for now, weapons, shields, engines–all down.

Senseless - In other words we're completely helpless.

Greaser - Aren't we always?

A NoName walk up to them.

NoName #6 - Sir, crew report. 19 dead, 36 wounded. We've lost everything under deck 16. Ensign Center is on the bridge, Lieutenant Tener is on deck 15, we can't find Lieutenant Bios, and the rest of the senior officers are here on deck 7.

Senseless - What do you mean you can't find Bios?

NoName #6 - Last anyone say of her she was on deck 14.

Senseless - Are there any major systems on deck 14?

Greaser - No, not really. Just the main deflector control room, Auxiliary computer processor, antimatter storage pods, and top of the warp core. There's also the shuttle bay, cargo bays 1, 2, and 3, battle bridge, an important ODN relay junction, and the primary computer memory core.

Senseless - Who the heck designed this ship?

NoName #6 - Do you want me to go find her before she breaks something?

Senseless - That's probably a good idea. In the meantime Commander, try to get to engineering by way of the jefferies tubes and get main power back online...or the food replicators...whichever is easier.

Scene 7 - Deck 14. Bios is peeking around corners looking to see if anyone is nearby.

Bios - Hey, I'm the only person on this deck. KICK ASS!

She runs toward the auxiliary computer core room. Inside she starts taking apart the consoles and rearranging the isolinear chips in the processor core.

Scene 8 - Main engineering. Greaser walks in and the engineering crew scramble to put away their poker chips.

Greaser - Okay, which one of you morons broke the bloody ship.

NoName #7 - The zombies did it! I swear!

Greaser - Then which one of you neglected to fix it?

NoName #8 - We didn't want to wake _him _up.

Greaser looks toward a corner and sees Worf fast asleep against a wall.

Greaser - (sigh) I can see we're due for another department-wide game of Russian Roulette.

She takes a deep breath.

Greaser - GET BACK TO WORK!

The NoNames hit the ground running and take off for their stations.

Worf - DAMN IT!

A piece of tritanium bulkhead falls from the upper level and hits Worf on the head, knocking him out. Greaser looks to where the debris came from and sees Bios using a phaser welder on a wall monitor.

Greaser - LIEUTENANT! GET DOWN HERE! ON THE DOUBLE!

Bios jumps from the railing and slides down the warp core casing.

Bios - OW! HOT! BURNING!

Righteous storms into the room.

Righteous - WHAT IN THE KAI'S NAME IS ALL THIS YELLING FOR!

Senseless, Genocide, and Stoner run into the room.

Senseless - I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU HALF-WITTED CREW!

Genocide - IF YOU WERE A HALF-DECENT COMMANDER, WE WOULDN'T BE SO INCOMPETENT!

Stoner - LOGIC! **PURE LOGIC**! SOMETHING THIS SHIP LACKS!

Just then the lights and warp core turn on.

Greaser - Finally!

The wall at the far end of Lower Engineering bursts open and mutant zombie NoNames pour out. Leading them is a zombified Tener.

Worf, Stoner, Greaser, Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, Bios:

**DAMN IT!**GOD/KAHLESS/SURAK/PROPHETS **DAMN IT!**

Stoner - Oh my God! They killed Tener! You BASTARDS!

Greaser - Break the coolant tanks!

Worf hurls the debris next to him at one of the warp coolant conduits and breaks it. Green gas begins filling the lower deck and starts killing the zombies.

Senseless - Everyone to the bridge!

Scene 9 - A Tellerite freighter floats just off the Celestial's starboard aft. Onboard...

Tellerite #1 - Ha ha ha! Server you right! Ram my ship will you? You deserve this!

Just then the USS Saratoga drops out of warp right behind the merchant ship but the saucer section keeps going and slices the freighter in two.

Onboard the Saratoga...

Farfetched - Lock tractor beam on our saucer. Guys, this is happening too often. That imitation duct tape just isn't working in the vacuum of space. Lieutenant Scratcher, hail the Celestial.

Scratcher - CONSIDER IT DONE SIR!...THEY'RE NOT RESPONDING SIR!

Shelby - Scan the ship. What's their status?

Scratcher - RADIATION IS PREVENTING ME FROM GETTING A CLEAR READING MA'AM!

Farfetched - Commander, prepare an away team.

Scratcher - WAIT! I'm getting a text message from the Celestial. They say to transport over security teams and portable force field emitters. Captain Righteous wishes to talk to you **SIR!**

Farfetched - Imform the doctor that I'm going to need another of those industrial deafness therapies.

NoName #5 - Hey why haven't we noticed that big, broken galaxy class ship sticking out of the Celestial?

Farfeteched - Let's not get nit-picky about continuity now.

Scene 10 -Celestial's briefing room. Righteous, Baque, Center, Bios, Greaser, Genocide, Senseless, Stoner, Puker, Worf, Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, and Scratcher are all crammed into the small room. Most of them are sitting on the floor because Starfleet was too cheap to add extra removable chairs.

Senseless - So the big question is, how do you kill the dead?

Stoner - Technically they're the "undead."

Baque - They're still _dead_!

Farfetched - They're not trying to destroy the Celestial, or they would have done so already. My best guess is they intend to use the Celestial to attack other Federation starships.

Shelby - How would they know that the Celestial is any better than their old ship. After all, half their brains are eaten. And besides, everyone already knows the Celestial isn't worth taking over anyway.

Righteous - Hey!

Puker - There is one possibility...

Righteous - Let's hear it.

Puker - Zombie's propagate by eating the brains of the living, right?

Senseless - Probably not, but for a plot device we'll assume they do.

Puker - Everything I've read says that if you kill the original zombie, all the rest will go back to normal.

Garsh - There is one problem with that plan. Those are Gem'hadar weapon's signatures on that ship's hull. Thousands of people lost their lives during the war. Who could possibly know who's the first one?

They all sit with puzzled expressions on their faces. Out the window the Saratoga's stardrive is chasing the saucer in a desperate attempt to dock with it.

Greaser - Wait a minute! This person whoever she is must have extended knowledge of the Celestial since the mutants were able to shut down main power from the lower decks.

Righteous - Perhaps it was someone who worked on building the Celestial.

Senseless - Well, Mr. Baque, do you remember what happened the day we launched the ship?

Baque - Umm...refresh my memory.

Senseless - You went to hard to port too soon and slammed through the wall of the shipyard.

Baque - Oh right...

Bios - There were hundreds of people killed that day! Who could possibly be the original zombie?

Genocide - Wait! Before that happened, didn't we run into a maintenance pod?

Senseless - Of course! The maintenance man! No one suspects the maintenance man...!

Righteous - Helm boy, set a course for Utopia Plantia, maximum warp!

Farfetched - Away team to Saratoga, beam us back. We'll follow you guys...as soon as we fix our ship.

Senseless - Dismissed.

They all go to the bridge as the Saratoga main characters are beamed away.

Righteous - Mr. Baque, set a course, bearing 133 mark 996. Engae at warp 8.6139213141592655884.

Senseless - Sir, shouldn't we fix that problem on deck 20–

Righteous - Not now I'm on a roll. Engage!

SCRAP! Ship rocks, sparks!

Center - We just tore off half of deck 20.

Righteous - A minor setback. Resume course.

The Celestial jumps to warp and rips off the rest of deck 20.

Scene 11 - The Celestial drops out of warp inside the Sol system with the zombie ship hot on it's tail and the Saratoga's saucer following it, with the Saratoga's stardrive bringing up the rear.

Center - Hey Toc, look out for that–

SMASH!

The Celestial clips Jupiter Station, breaking off one of the four communications antennas and sending the station spinning.

Center - --station.

Senseless - I can see where this is going.

Center - We're being hailed.

Senseless - On screen.

Beep! The viewscreen is showing Admiral Nelix being tossed around his office ands looking very mad.

Nelix - (RIIIIGGHTEEEEOUUUSS! Your senior staff, my office, now!)

Righteous - Sorry, no time for chit chat. Give our regards to Dr. Zimmerman and tell him we need a new EMH.

SMASH! The zombie ship takes off another of the antennas and the station spins even faster.

Nelix - (WHAT THE HELL!)

Then the Saratoga's saucer takes another antenna out.

Nelix - (FARFETCHED! Your senior staff, my office NOW!)

Farfetched - With all due respect sir, you're a jackass!

Nelix - (ALL OF YOU ARE SCUM! Pond scum! Frozen pond scum! Rotten, frozen useless pond scum! If I knew how shtty the ninth fleet was I never would have offered to fill in for Admiral Spot while she was off on vacation! I JUST get through dealing with Kira, Shields, and Picard and now THIS! WELL! I've got a few four letter words for you! They go something like this: **FUC–**)

Then the Saratoga's stardrive takes out the last communications antenna and the transmission is cut.

Senseless - OK, new topic. What's the status of the zombie ship?

Center - It'll never catch us. It's too slow and unmotivated.

Senseless - Good. That gives us time to tend to unfinished business. Mr. Genocide, go round up Mr. Tener and take him to sickbay.

Genocide - Ummm...do I have to?

Senseless - It's in the job description. Read the manual.

Genocide - I never got any manual!

Baque - Neither did the rest of us, but that never stopped Starfleet from court martialling us before.

Puker - Dr. Puker to bridge. PeopLE ARE DYING DOWN HERE!

Baque - People are always dying down there!

Puker - The radioactive mutant zombies have taken over deck 7!

Senseless - Try to keep them out of sickbay. We'll think of something.

Scene 12 - Sickbay. NoNames are running around frantically trying not to get killed as some yellow-shirt-thugs are shoving a biobed (with someone on it) up against the sickbay doors.

Puker - Alright everybody into the jerreries tubes. Computer, activate the EMH.

Bugs Bunny - Ehhhh...What's up doc?

Stoner - I never thought it would be logical to say this, but that is a far more logical greeting than the old one.

Puker - Hold them off while we escape.

Puker closes the hatch as the doors give way and zombies start to pour into the room, killing the noname lying on the biobed.

Bugs Bunny - Now hold on there! You can't just go barging into somebodies house like that! In some countries you can get shot for that!

Zombie - Urgg!

Bugs Bunny - No "but's"! You go back outside and ask to come in the polite way!

Scene 13 - Bridge.

Senseless and Righteous are playing a Star Trek Elite Force II deathmatch on the main viewer.

Senseless - Um, sir, I have heard that concentrating on something else can help you to get an answer to a problem, but I don't think this is one of those problems.

Righteous - Actually, I'm just killing time while I wait for life to shower me with happiness.

Bios - Sir, I'm starving! Can we eat now? I'm so hungry I could actually eat that TurboLax Surprise!

Senseless - Laxative...That's it! Computer! Have every replicator on the ship serve turbolax surprise all round!

Bzzzt!

Senseless - All hands, the food sitting in the replicators is free today! DIG IN AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!

Righteous - All available power to the life support system.

Puker - Front lines to bridge, it's working! The zombies are retreating faster than Picard's hairline!

Senseless - Good. All senior staff report to the briefing room.

Scene 14. Briefing room. Puker, Stoner, Bios, Greaser, Genocide, George Bush, Righteous, Baque, Senseless, and Center sit down at the table.

Senseless - Science, report.

Bios - After digging through the archives for hours, even though I could have asked the computer to do it in seconds, I'm pretty confident that I've found our first zombie. A guy by the name of...well he doesn't actually have a name so let's call him Zombie #1.

Senseless - Next questions: How do we deal with this person?

Genocide - We bust into his hideout with phasers drawn and set to vaporize!

Righteous - I'll ask the Prophets what we should do.

Righteous starts praying...as usual.

Baque - I've got a better idea. We pump him full of synsehal, make him tie one of his socks to his ear, put him in front of a table covered with Anthrax, exlax, cocaine, sleeping pills, salt, dead things, and cockroaches and tell him it's an all you can eat buffet.

Everyone looks at Baque, blinking.

Baque - I read it in a book once.

Bush - To hell with the leader, let's nuke the bastards like you should have let me do 400 years ago.

Greaser - Um...

Genocide - Yeah...

Stoner - To quote a famous poet, "No sense, no sense at all, because this is Star Trek!"

Then a noname standing in the corner spontaneously explodes. A temporal portal swallows George Bush and deposits Worf in his place. Then Lieutenant Tener walks into the room looking good as new.

Tener - Hey guys! Apparently I'm not a zombie, it was just acne and a bad pot of coffee.

Baque - Yeah, we all have morning's like that. Best thing is to call in sick.

Tener - I used up all my sick days so I called in dead.

Senseless - Mr. Worf, would you please contact Quo'nos and tell them you'll be a little late?

Worf - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Senseless - Worf wake up!

Worf - DAMN IT! I NEED SLEEP!

NoName #7 - Bridge to Captain Righteous.

Righteous - Speaking.

NoName #7 - Starfleet Command is hailing us.

Senseless - Send it down here Lieutenant.

Center - ...Great, another nameless extra that outranks me.

Beep!

Admiral #1 - Can't you idiots go a week without making a huge mess?

Righteous - The Prophets are indeed smiling upon us.

Admiral #1 - Of course, how forgetful of me.

Senseless - Sir, as I'm sure the Saratoga already told you, we've got a bit of a zombie problem. Could you help us out?

Admiral #1 - Well give them some beer and they'll go away.

Senseless - We could use a hazard team like that non-existent one from Voyager. Could you prep Ensign Munroe and send him over?

Admiral #1 - Ok, whatever game you're playing had better end now. There are no such things as radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia.

Senseless - That's what I said too sir, but here we are!

Admiral #1 - You know what? This episode sucks! I'm putting and end to it right now!

Beep! (End's communication)

Baque -...THAT never happened before.

Center - Does this mean no bonus this year?

Righteous - Has there ever been one?

NoName #7 - Hey everyone! The zombies are gone! They all beamed back to their ship and set a course for a coordinate near Cardassia Prime...!

Puker - Well, alls well that ends well. We solved the mystery of the exploding ships, saved the Celestial from rabid undead nonames, the Saratoga got some duct tape and Worf got some sleep.

Stoner - Another job logically well done.

Senseless - And the best part is, besides the 300 crewmen and the entire of deck 20, we haven't lost anything.

NoName #7 - ...But before they left they took all the latinum from the ship's treasury...

Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center - **_DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!_**

The End

Baque - Damn foreign outsourcing.

USS Celestial

NCC - 80164

"Fight for only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around"


	5. Celestial 5

Celestial #5 - A Half-Assed attempt at Rebellion

By Swordtail

Scene 1 - Righteous walks onto the bridge. All the senior staff are present.

Righteous - Hey everyone! I'm thinking of running for Kai. What do you all think?

Greaser - Go for it sir!

Center - I'd vote for you in a heartbeat!

Baque - We'll miss you, sir!

Genocide - The other Vedeks don't stand a chance!

Righteous - (sniff) Thanks guys! I knew I could count on you! I'd better go get the application form and fill it out!

Righteous leaves and the crew (except for Center) start cheering.

Senseless - Computer, activate program R-I-L one.

The lights start quickly flickering (nothing new), the red, yellow, and blue alert lights activate and flash, holographic balloons appear and the computer's speakers start playing 90's music really loud.

Scene 2 - Meanwhile, on a Federation planet that has no name because it has never been seen before (hey, there are over 150 now! Give Paramount a break!), in a dark alley, a bunch of sinister looking aliens stand around with nothing to do. All of a sudden another man flies out of darkness and lands with a thud in the middle of the alley. This man, as we now see, is Raemas, the crazy guy that ordered around Billby, who was under the mistaken impression that O'Brian wasn't a Starfleet Officer. Scratch marks cover his face and arms.

Raemes - OW! Gah!

Two green glowing eyes appear in the darkness.

Voice from Eyes - You have disappointed me, Raemas, and I don't like to be disappointed.

Raemas - Ok, so putting poison in your food probably wasn't such a good idea, but hey, come on, you would have done the same.

Voice - And you would also kill me if I had.

Raemas - (gulp)

Voice - No longer will you disappoint me...no longer...Hach...hack...hac..gahhhhh...gah...anyway, Time to die, Mr. Anderson..

SLICE!

With speed so fast the camera's 30 fps can't record it, Raemes' throat is cut and he dies an agonizing death. The other men look at the place where the voice is coming from in terror.

Voice - Now, you will all serve ME! Raemes was weak, an inferior species and an inferior member of that species at that. I have abilities he never did. I will bring the Orion Syndicate to it's proper place within the Federation...at the TOP!

The voice emerges from the shadows, revealing a fluffy cat.

Cat - My name is Chester, but you may refer to me as GOD!

(Insert dramatic lightning here)

Chester - hack...hac...hack...gahhh (coughs up a hairball). Figures

Opening credits, using the theme song and crappy fly-by's that are starting to get really old really fast.

Scene 3 - Bridge. The crew (joined by some poorly dancing NoNames) are still celebrating. Righteous walks in.

Righteous - Computer, mute volume. Hey everyone. I've got great news! My application was accepted! I'll be heading for Bajor very soon!

The crew all smile.

Righteous - And even better, I managed to get all of you transferred!

The crew's jaws drop.

Righteous - To Deep Space Nine!

The balloons turn to lead and fall to the floor, except one, which goes through the floor and kills a NoName in the jefferies tube below.

Righteous - I'll be able to visit all of you every day!

Baque - (sarcastically) This day just keeps getting better and better.

Righteous - And now we get a counselor. We never had a counsellor before and DS9 has a few.

Genocide - What the hell do we need a counsellor for?

Senseless looks around. Baque is sitting with his feet up on the console chewing gum. Center is fixing some lunch for the Captain and bugging him again about a promotion. Greaser is bitching at a NoName engineer for losing a PADD. Bios is taking apart the viewscreen, and Stoner is preforming a mind meld on Dr. Puker who is preforming open heart surgery on Tener who has a broken hockey stick lodged in his left arm.

Puker - Of course it's necessary. A hurting left arm is the first sign of a heart attack.

Senseless - Ask a stupid question...

Righteous - Fly boy, set course for Bajor, ludicrous speed!

Baque - Oh go f yourself.

Scene 4 - The Celestial has somehow gone plaid and is one hour from the Bajoran system. Stoner, Greaser, Baque, and Bios are all standing in a broom closet on deck 5.

Greaser - First order of business, why are we holding this meeting in a broom closet?

Bios - Because I accidentally destroyed life support in the messhall.

Greaser - Ah, yes. Second order of business, Toc, read us the minutes from the last meeting.

Baque - Idiot! This is our first meeting! Hey do you guys want to see the new theme song Genocide and I came up with this morning?

Greaser - If I say no you'll probably show it anyway.

Baque pulls out a laptop computer and opens a movie file. The tune to "Pinky and the Brain" starts playing.

Senseless - Gee guys, how are you going to screw things up today.

Baque - The same way we do every day, sir...just doing our jobs.

(Too music)

They're Baque and Genocide

They're Baque and Genocide

One's a weapons maniac, the ship the other flies.

They're Starfleet officers,

They disobey orders,

They're Baque, Baque and Genocide cide cide cide cide cide cide cide cideeeeeeeee...

Before each shift is done,

Their idiocy will be unfurled

By the dimming of the lights,

They'll be court martialled.

They're Baque and Genocide

Yes Baque and Genocide

Their reasons for disdain

Are easy to explain

Proving they are twits,

They'll break the bloody ship

They're Baque, their Baque and Genocide cide cide cide cide cide cide cide cide–

Baque - F!

Diddily da da, da dum!

Bios - Yeah so anyway...

Greaser - Deep Space 9 is a pile of sht! Every chief engineer's worst nightmare.

Bios - Well there must be _some_ good things about it.

Greaser - Sorry Bios, there's nothing for you to break there. Everything's already broken. And for a station that houses thousands of inhabitants, they only have an engineering crew of like ten. It sucks!

Stoner - So what do you propose we do?

Greaser - I say we sabotage the warp drive so we never get there.

Baque - That means that we have to deal with Righteous longer.

Greaser - He's going to turn DS9 into hymn-sing central if he becomes Kai.

Bios - What are the chances of that happening?

Stoner - There's an 83.4235 chance he'll be elected.

Baque - Bajorans are really stupid. He'll make Kai.

Then the closet door opens and a noname walks in.

Greaser - GET HIM! HE KNOWS OUR SECRET PLANS!

Baque shoots the noname with a shovel, which oddly was loaded with 12-gauge buckshot rounds.

Bios - That was close. Let's get this over with before someone else walks in.

Then half the ship walks by as the shift changes.

Greaser - God damn it.

Scene 5 - 10 minutes later in engineering.

Greaser - Computer, eject and destroy the warp core, authorization Greaser sigma 4 theta.

Computer - Unable to comply.

Greaser - And just why not?

Computer - A subroutine is in place that prevents the sabotage of warp drive by any and all crew members that are not in agreement with orders from Captain Righteous.

Greaser - Who programmed this subroutine?

Computer - Lieutenant-Commander Greaser.

Greaser - When?

Computer - Right after you got promoted you twit!

Greaser - Well I'm going to remove it. Hey! You there! NoName! I'll be in computer control junction 14 if you break something and need me to fix it.

Computer - Try it and I'll whoop yo ass like there's no tomorrow.

Greaser - I taught you well.

Two hours and 4 fried gel packs later, Greaser finally removes the computer subroutine, but forgets why she did it and instead goes to the bridge to nag Baque about his improper use of the engines.

Scene 6 - DS9, Ops.

Kira - When's the Defiant due back through the wormhole?

NoName #1 - How the hell should I know?

Kira - You are the space traffic controller, aren't you?

NoName #1 - F no, Worf is!

Kira - WORF ISN'T EVEN ON THE STATION ANYMORE!

NoName #1 - Oh...Ah oh!

Meanwhile, a Bajoran transport is being wedged between a runabout and the habitat ring, shattering windows as it scrapes along the hull.

Kira - By the way, where's Dax? Shouldn't she be on duty now?

NoName #1 - Yeah, she's over there.

Ezri stumbles out of Kira's office clutching her stomach.

Dax - (urg) This station spins way to fast. Sorry about the mess in your office, Colonel.

Kira - Nah, this idiot here will clean it up, won't you.

NoName #1 - I have a choice in the matter?

Kira - No.

NoName #1 - Then I must respectfully resign.

With that he puts a phaser to his head and kills himself.

Kira - Oh well. So, how's the repairs going?

Dax - Repairs?

Kira - You know, repairing all the stuff that breaks around here everyday.

Dax - I didn't know anything was being repaired. I thought we were just leaving it lay around the place for that new chief engineer that's showing up today.

Then the turbolift, which had gotten jammed half way to its proper position in the floor plummets down the station and explodes 50 decks below.

Dax - How long till the Celestial arrives again? I don't think life support is working and we only have a few hours of air left...and...

Kira - And what?

Dax runs from the room, her hand covering her mouth.

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial. The crew are complaining about being transferred as Righteous walks in.

Righteous - Hey everyone!

He walks forward and is narrowly missed by a knife that Genocide threw.

Righteous - Ok, I've got good news and bad news.

Senseless - What's the good news?

Righteous - Even if I don't make Kai, we'll still stay on DS9. Seems Admiral Spot was very happy to allow the transfer.

Center - Yay!

Genocide throws a knife at Center and it gets lodged in his throat.

Greaser - OH MY GOD!

Genocide - Don't worry, he's a main character. He can't die. At least not until sweeps week.

Senseless - Yeah whatever. How can that news be the good news? What's the bad news? The radioactive mutant zombie nonames have taken over the entire galaxy and are killing everything that moves?

Righteous - Nope. Better. But still bad. Seems that DS9 is already fully staffed so I'm afraid you'll all have to be demoted and get less money and all the fun stuff.

Senseless, Genocide, Puker, Stoner, Greaser, Center, Baque, Tener, NoName #2 - #631 - **_WHAT!_**

Genocide - I'll never get a higher rank than my cousin, Homicide!

Greaser - I'll be the same rank as half the idiot crew I'm forced to babysit all day!

Senseless - I worked damn hard to get my rank!

Center - I'll end up dead!

Tener - I just got promoted!

Stoner - It is illogical!

Puker - I hate my life.

Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Righteous - I knew you'd understand. Well, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my quarters.

Righteous leaves. The crew stand around stunned in disbelief.

Baque - What are we going to do?

Greaser - ...Excuse me...

She leaves through the turbolift.

Scene 8 - Engineering. A very mad Lieutenant-Commander-soon-to-be-Lieutenant Greaser walks in...carrying a phaser rifle.

Greaser - Time to take drastic measures to ensure we all stay alive.

She sets her phaser on full power and fires at the warp core. The familiar sound of a ship dropping out of warp fills the room.

Greaser - I am so smart!

BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks, the consoles start to one by one explode killing many crewmen and women.

Computer - Warning! Warp core breach imminent! Containment field failure in 5 minutes!

Greaser - ...I am so fing stupid...

Scene 9 - Bridge. Consoles are exploding and some beams have fallen from the ceiling. The carpet is on fire and Righteous has for once in his life stopped praying when he wasn't done yet.

Senseless - How did this happen?

Center - I don't know.

Senseless - Bridge to engineering, come in engineering.

Greaser - Engineering here. We're looking at a core breach in less than 5 minutes.

Righteous - Eject the warp core!

Greaser - I already tried, sir. It won't work. The main computer is offline!

Senseless - Then evacuate everyone into the saucer and prepare for starship separation!

Center - I can't sir! Main power in the separation structure is offline! The ship will explode in 4 minutes now!

Senseless - GOD DAMN IT!

Righteous - All hands, this is the captain speaking. Abandon ship! I repeat, abandon ship!

The annoying emergency klaxons go off and the escape pod hatches open. Everyone gets in an escape pod with their buddy and ejects.

Senseless looks out the back of his pod in time to see the USS Celestial explode in a ball of fire, taking out about 50 pods filled with nonames with it.

Senseless - Awww, Admiral Spot is going to KILL us!

Scene 10 - Greaser, Stoner, and Dr. Puker are in a shuttlecraft, tractoring escape pods into a formation that allows them to join together into one big pod like thingy...No one knows why that ability was created, it just was.

Stoner - Sir, I'm picking up a ship dropping out of warp. It's Federation, Sabre class.

Puker - Hail them.

Beep!

The viewing monitor changes to show Admiral Spot sitting in a full sized chair.

Admiral Spot - As soon as I got wind of your little demotion problem, I grabbed the first ship out of the shipyard and rushed over here. I figured something like this was going to happen.

Puker - Um...Can you take us back to Earth, not to Deep Space Nine?

Spot - No, but you do get your own ship. Here's the USS Halfass. It's kinda old and was just refitted with real phasers.

Greaser - Kinda old? I thought you said it was the first ship out of the yard?

Spot - Err...long story. Anyway, We'll start beaming over your crew. It'll take a few hours seeing as the transporters can only transport 2 people every ten minutes.

Greaser - Everything you do in life comes back and bites you in the ass...

Scene 11 - All 600 survivors are crammed into the Sabre class vessel. While the nonames explore and get to know the new ship the senior staff are in the briefing room getting cursed out by Admiral Spot.

Spot - **GOD DAMN IT** DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THE CELESTIAL WAS? DO YOU! IT WAS THE **FIRST** ANTI-BREEN WARSHIP AND YOU IDIOTS MANAGED TO DESTROY IT DUE TO A **CONTAINMENT** BREACH!

Righteous - It was the will of the Prophets.

Spot - WELL IT'S THE WILL OF MY REAR PAW TO BE SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SHINE MY KITTY BOOTS BY LICKING THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH!

Senseless - Ma'am, it's not as bad as it appears. After all, we're being transferred to DS9 anyway.

Spot - **_IDIOTS!_** THAT'S JUST A RUSE!

Genocide - What do you mean?

Spot - **MORONS!** WHY DO YOU THINK STARFLEET WOULD TAKE ONE OF IT'S MOST ADVANCED SHIPS OFF THE FRONT LINES TO PROTECT A PILE OF CARDASSIAN SHIT THAT'S GOING TO BE REPLACED WITH A **REAL** STARBASE SOON ANYWAY! HUH!

Righteous - I'm running for Kai. Command said we could be transferred if I got elected.

Spot - STUPID BAJORAN! **_NO!_** YOUR APPARENT TRANSFER IS PART OF A TOP-SECRET PLAN TO BRING DOWN THE ORIAN SYNDICATE!

Greaser - The who?

Spot - THE CELESTIAL WAS OUR ONLY CHANCE TO BRING DOWN THE ORDER BEFORE THEY MANAGE TO GET ENOUGH SUPPORT TO FORM AN ANTITHESIS WITHIN THE FEDERATION! **_SON OF A BITCH!_**

With that Spot lays down and tries to catch her breath. Captain Spot Jr. walks in and continues the conversation.

Spot Jr. About a day or two ago, Starfleet Intelligence got wind of a change in government within the Orian syndicate. Apparently the new leader, a guy named Chester, is planning to bring down the Federation's government.

Baque - How could they possibly be able to do something like that?

Spot Jr. - Apparently Chester's already gotten support from the Nasicans, Terra Prime, the remnant Maquis factions, and a large group of other organizations within the Federation and outside it. There's even rumours they've been conspiring with the Breen Confederacy.

Bios - And how do we fit into this?

Spot - WELL YOU DON'T ANYMORE!

Spot Jr. - Calm down mom. Anyway, you guys were going to go to DS9 under the pretense that you were all being transferred because of Righteous' election. You were going to do some investigating of the traffic that came through Deep Space Nine and were going to eventually make an attack on the planet that Chester is on, whichever one that is.

Spot - Unfortunately we didn't suspect that Righteous would have you all demoted.

Spot Jr. - Yeah as soon as that happened we figured the dirty kitty litter would hit the fan.

Senseless - Yeah, you could say that happened.

Greaser - My bad.

Stoner - It was highly illogical to fire a phaser at the warp core.

Greaser - Screw you!

Rigtheous - Well as long as we're not going to do anything I'm just going to pray if you don't mind.

Senseless - We do mind.

Genocide - Hey! It says on this console that this ship doesn't even have photon torpedoes!

Baque - Maximum speed is warp 7! What the hell!

Center - What? No chance for promotion!

Puker - Only three biobeds in sickbay? No EMH? No Doctor's Office? Who the hell built ship!

Spot - GOD DAMN IT GET TO THE BRIDGE NOW!

Everyone runs onto the bridge. Puker and Stoner and Greaser go into the turbolift.

Senseless - Helm, set a course for DS9. Maximum warp

Righteous - Don't worry ma'am. We'll get this mission done for you.

Spot - Oh great, I bet the Syndicate is trembling right now.

Baque - Ah, problem. The warp engines aren't working.

Spot Jr. - That's impossible. They were working earlier.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, the warp core is offline.

Righteous - Lieutenant-Commander, did you let the Pah Wraiths into the reaction chambre again?

Greaser - Nope, this time I'm pretty sure it's a corporeal problem.

Senseless - Why is the core offline then?

Greaser - Don't know. There's no damage, we're compleatly fuelled up, and...wait a minute...a bunch of other things are offline too. Main power on decks 3 through 10 is offline, lifesupport as well...gravity plating on all decks is down to 10--

Baque - That explains this floating tricorder. Good. I thought I was drunk.

Greaser - –and a bunch of other stuff is broken too.

Spot - Yeah, well, you guys deserve a ship this crappy now that you've destroyed the other one we gave you.

Spot Jr. - Ok this could take a while.

Greaser - Wait, wait! I think I've found the problem. There's a blown out light bulb on deck 4.

Senseless - What does that have to do with anything?

Greaser - Don't know...hey...who wired all the systems in series instead of parallel!

NoName #2 - Err...it saves power.

Genocide - Why don't you just fill out the certificate of death and save us the trouble, okay?

NoName #2 - Hey, can I die a heroic death?

Righteous - Sure, be creative.

Greaser - I've replaced the burnt out light bulb with a microwave oven bulb.

NoName #3 - (in the background) No you didn't! I did!

Pzzzt!

Greaser - Anyway, it might get a little crispy on deck 4 but oh well. Try the engines now.

Baque - Engaging at warp 7. Warp field is holding...sort of.

Righteous - "Sort of" is good enough for me. Anyway, let's end the scene now.

Scene 12 - The USS Halfass has arrived at DS9 after 20 hours of repairs halfway through the Bajoran System. The ship docks at one of the docking ring airlocks and the crew file out of the ship.

Righteous - Ah yes, feels good to be in the Bajoran System.

Baque - About as good as it feels to be shot in the crotch with a Dominion disruptor...

Righteous - Now Lieutenant, I don't say bad things about your planet.

Baque - (under his breath)..That's cause you're too stupid to come up with anything.

Greaser - On the bright side we get really big quarters.

Righteous - Mine are bigger...

Baque - ..So's your ego...

Major Kira, Lieutenant Dax, and Quark round the corner and meet up with the crew as they unload their crappy ship.

Kira - Welcome to Deep Space Nine.

Dax - (sickly) It spins really fast...

Quark - So do my Dabo wheels, and you'll never find a single one rigged.

Righteous - Well, if you don't mind, I think we'll have Lieutenant Tener take over being the chief of security since all you have is a noname that keeps disappearing every twelve hours, coincidentally at the same time as massive amounts of stored Federation weapons.

Kira - Fair enough.

Righteous - And I guess we can have Genocide become the chief tactical officer since Worf is gone.

Kira - Good idea.

Righteous - We'll make Dr. Puker chief medical officer since Bashir isn't here to protest.

Kira - That's ...wait a minute...

Righteous - Greaser can be the chief engineering officer.

Kira - Excellent.

Righteous - And everyone else can either keep their positions or just go on a paid vacation.

Kira - Um...ok...

Righteous - Woah, that was easy! I should make up the duty roster more often.

Baque - Hey, you don't need a helmsman do you?

Dax - No not really.

Baque - In that case, Mr. Quark, I'd like to examine those Dabo wheels if you would be so kind to let me.

Quark - I think you won't find a better deal anywhere in the quadrant.

Tener - As new chief security officer, I am obliged to keep an eye on you Quark.

Quark - I think you'll find I'm as legit as they come.

Tener - Really? Oh that's good. Makes my job of checking into your background a lot easier. Thanks!

Quark - My pleasure.

Senseless - For god sakes can we PLEASE get back on track here! This plotline is going nowhere REALLY fast!

Bios - Maybe later. Come on guys! To the promenade!

Bios, Baque, Quark, and Stoner go running down the corridor and eventually trip over the raised Cardassian floor areas.

Senseless - Idiots...

Scene 13 - On some currently unnamed planet in the middle of nowhere, Chester the cat sits upon a rotting pile of his enemies. Some stupid-looking henchmen come skulking into his lair.

Henchman #1 - My Lord, The crew of the Celestial has destroyed their ship, just as you predicted they would.

Chester - Excellent. Are they dead?

Henchman #1 - No, my Lord. They were all rescued by a Sabre class vessle, a USS Halfass.

Chester - RESCUED! BY WHOM!

Henchman #1 - By Admiral Spot, sire.

Chester flips out and kills Henchman #'s 2, 3, 4, and 5 in three seconds flat.

Chester - God Damn It! Oh well, this once again proves that felines are far superior to all other species.

Henchman #1 - Your orders sire?

Chester - Bring me some food! I'll have to think this once through...

(More dramatic music which is starting to get really stupid.)

Scene 14 - Quark's Bar. Baque and Stoner are playing Dabo. Currently, Stoner has cleaned the place out and is now filthy rich while Baque has lost his entire months savings to her.

Stoner - Your spin, sir.

Baque - Put it all on triple over.

He grabs the wheel with both hands and spins it as hard as he can. It tears free of its casing and flies across the room, hitting Morn in the back of the head.

Quark - What's going on here! Someone had better pay for all this!

Nog walks in and goes over to Morn to see if he's alright. Baque points to him.

Baque - Nog did it. I begged him not to.

Stoner - Illogical. He just entered the room.

Then, for no reason whatsoever, Odo walks into the bar dragging Tener behind him.

Odo - If you're going to be chief of security on the promenade, you have to learn one thing: Quark is always guilty...of something.

Quark - Odo...what are you doing here?

Odo - I decided to take a vacation from the Great Link and visit my old friends here. And to see what trouble you've been getting yourself into.

Baque - In other words you couldn't pay the rent could you?

Odo - ...no.

Quark - I've been as legit as them come. You know, I must thank you for showing me the error of my ways, Constable.

Odo - Hmmm... Well, Lieutenant, for starters, what do you see wrong with this Dabo incident?

Tener - It looks like Lieutenant Baque was being careless and deserves a small fine–

Odo - If you want to be chief of security you have to be willing to do a _real_ investigation. Quark! How did this Dabo wheel dislodge itself? Are you in violation of article 4 subsection 15 again? The safety rules?

Quark - I'm innocent! Nog, tell him!

Nog - As a Starfleet officer it is my duty to be unbiased and fair in all respects of the law. Sorry, Uncle Quark, I can't vouch for you.

Quark - Damn it where's Rom when I need him?

NoName Bartender #1 - On Ferenginar?

Quark slaps him on the back of the head.

Quark - I don't pay you to be a smartass!

Before NoName Bartender #1 can argue with the fact that Quark doesn't pay him at all, the station shakes violently and everyone is thrown to the floor amidst breaking glasses.

Quark - I'M GOING TO SUE THE IDIOT THAT INSTALLED THE INERTIAL DAMPENERS ON THIS STATION!

Intercom - All hands, battle stations.

Scene 15 - Ops. Genocide is drunk with delight after seeing how many weapons DS9 had. He has currently cut to pieces a rogue Cardassian warship that was attacking. Baque, Stoner, Odo, Tener, and Nog enter from the turbolift. Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, and Commander Senseless enter using the transporter. Colonel Kira, Lieutenant Dax, Lieutenant-Commander Greaer, and Dr. Bashir are already present.

Kira - Looks like you missed the good stuff sir and ma'am.

Spot - Somebody tell me why the hell we were under attack from a Cardassian warship? I know there are still rogue factions but I thought all the warships had been located and seized by the Klingons?

Senseless - I might have an answer to that, ma'am. I've heard rumours that ever since the Klingons got their new chancellor they're record keeping hasn't been the best.

Nelix - New chancellor? You mean Martok's dead? And he was such a nice guy to throw insults at too. What a shame...

Senseless - He's not dead. He's assumed the role of vice-chancellor.

Bashir - Who's the new guy in charge?

Senseless - Err...You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Dax - I'm sick...

Kira - Shut up Ezri.

Baque - We'll believe you. We've seen enough strange things under the command of Captain Righteous to make us a little more open-minded.

Senseless - Ok, well it all started two weeks ago on Quo'nos...

Nog - Alright! A flash-back!

Kira - Shut up Nog! I'm trying to watch the main viewer as it is somehow playing the flash back..

Two weeks ago, on Quo'nos, in the Klingon High Council chambre like thingy, Martok and a bunch of other bone-faced idiots are standing around prodding each other with pain sticks.

Martok - ORDER! KAHLESS DAMN IT! Now, we still need to reinforce our hold on the Chintoka system so that the Breen don't take advantage of it...

All of a sudden, a temporal portal opens and Binky the Mistreated Targ flies out at Mach 3 and hits Martok in the back of the head, knocking him out. The other klingons look at Binky, who is now somehow wearing the chancellor's robe and sitting in Martok's big chair.

Klingon #1 - He has defeated our good leader! He truly is worthy of leading the Empire!

Martok starts to wake up.

Binky - erg...WHEE!

Martok - You heard him! Bring the full force of the Klingon Imperial Navy to bear on those Breen pat'aks!

Tener - So THAT'S what happened to that targ...I haven't seen him since the transporter exploded weeks ago.

Greaser - Wait a minute...isn't that targ temporally unstable?

Senseless - Um...Maybe...

Little do they know, Binky has been swallowed up by a temporal portal and the Empire has fallen into a civil war...again. Martok has regained his previous as Chancellor but many of the people think Binky was a better leader.

Senseless - Oh well not our problem today.

An Ensign runs in and whispers something into Admiral Spot and Nelix's ear.

Spot - ARE YOU SURE!

NoName #4 - Yes ma'am. We lost 47 intelligence agents to get this information.

Spot - Then it's settled. Colonel, prep the USS Halfass for departure immediately.

Kira - Immediately?

Spot - Yes. Immediately.

Kira - As in right now?

Spot - Yes, as in right now.

Kira - As long as it's "right now." It's against my religion to do anything "immediately."

Spot - Stupid Bajorans. Senseless, go grab the rest of your crew. Take a phaser when you go to get Righteous. He'll probably not want to get torn away from his Vedak life.

Senseless - Right on it ma'am.

They all leave through the turblift.

In the turbolift...

Genocide - Hey, what's the maximum load of this thing? Cause we've got 13 people in here.

As an answer to his question, the turbolift breaks free of the EPS conduits and falls 50 decks. Miraculously, no one is injured.

Kira - We have GOT to get O'Brian back.

Scene 16 - Docking ring. The crew all file into the Halfass. As Righteous get onboard, he notices Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix following him.

Righteous - You're coming too?

Spot - This is too important to leave to you bozos. If I had had my way, we'd be bringing the entire 9th fleet with us but the Federation Council figured the Breen were more dangerous. They wouldn't give us the funding we need to bring the entire fleet.

Righteous - Okay dokey.

The go to their respective stations. Spot goes over to Bios at her station at the back of the bridge.

Spot - Lieutenant, can I ask you a personal question?

Bios - Sure.

Spot - Everything I know about Bynars says that they are all connected to a central computer network on Bynaus and usually live in pairs. Something to do with a electronic thingymajig–

Bios - A synaptic processor. It links all Bynars to the central computer.

Spot - Yeah, so what's up with you? Why don't you have a partner? Are you connected to that central computer too?

Bios - Err...no. I don't have a partner and am not connected to the central computer.

Spot - How come?

Bios - ...I don't have a synaptic processor.

Spot - Why not?

Bios - It's um...broken.

Spot - How did it break?

Bios - Um...I broke it.

Spot - Why weren't you given another?

Bios - I was. I broke that one too.

Spot - Ok then...

Spot shakes her head and goes over Senseless.

Spot - You have the most misfit crew in the fleet. Your Captain may be a good diplomat but he's a religious fanatic. Your tactical officer may be one of the greatest tacticians in Starfleet, but he's way too trigger happy. Your Chief engineer is pretty good, but she's a bch! Your science officer is really smart, but keeps breaking things. Your Doctor is pretty good, but his procedures are a little...unorthodox. Your helmsman can make complex manoeuvres at high speeds, but argues with every order and it's a wonder you get anything out of him at all. Your nurse is the worst vulcan since Vorik and I can't find anything good about her, and your Operations officer is a total suck-up. I can't find anything wrong with Tener, but I'm sure there's something.

Senseless - And I'm the normal one.

Spot - Yeah. How the hell did you land this assignment anyway?

Senseless - Long and stupid story. It involves a lot of dying and much mental pain.

The ship drops out of warp.

Righteous - What happened? Did we blow out another light bulb?

Nelix - What the hell?

Senseless - Don't ask sir.

Baque - Idiots! We're here! Look at the damn viewscreen!

Rightoeus - Alright. We're here at the place which we're at. Now, ma'am, where are we?

Nelix - Ladies, Gentlemen, and imbeciles of all ages, welcome to Orion.

Genocide - Why the hell are we here?

Spot - To put a stop to this insurrection before it gets out of control.

Genocide - Ahhh...several small ships off the port bow are charging weapons.

Baque - Why is everything always off the port side?

Senseless - Hail them.

Spot - Belay that! Destroy those ships Genocide!

Genocide - Did I ever tell you that you're my favourite Admiral, ma'am?

The Halfass takes about twenty minutes to destroy the ships, which don't have any shields and are armed with lasers. The Halfass has taken heavy damage though.

Senseless - Damage report!

Greaser - Well, we were fine till a light bulb on deck 6 blew. Then the shields went down and main power cut.

Center - Sensors have located an energy shield surrounding a large building on the southern continent.

Spot - That's our target. Alright, assault teams will be lead by Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and myself.

Tener - Yay.

Genocide - When did you get here?

Spot - Team 1, led by Senseless, will include Center, Stoner, and a NoName. Team 2, led by Genocide, will have Puker, Baque, and a NoName. Team 3 will be led by Tener and include Puker, Greaser, and a NoName. Team 4 will be led by me and will include Nelix, Righeous, and two NoNames since Righteous is so useless.

Righteous - Is that an insult?

Nelix - No, just a statement.

Righteous - Oh OK.

Puker - How can I be in two groups at once?

Genocide - When did you get here?

Spot - Have I forgotten anyone?

Baque - Who's going to be in charge of the ship while we're gone?

Spot - That's why I brought someone with me from DS9. Nog?

Nog comes out of the briefing room.

Nog - Ensign Nog, reporting for duty ma'am.

Spot - Ensign, you're in charge of the ship till we get back. If we get back.

Tener - If?

Nelix - Alright everyone move out!

Tener - If...?

Scene 17 - The four teams beam down to the planet and start shoving their phaser rifles in the natives' faces.

Spot - Grrr...So much for the element of surprise. OK, Commander and Lieutenant Commander, take your teams to the North side. Lieutenant, your team is with mine.

While Senseless and Genocide take their teams around the building, Spot and Tener take theirs to the front door.

Spot - Set phasers to maximum pain. Aim for the crotch.

Tener- ...Ow...don't want to get on your bad side ma'am.

Spot - No, you don't. Don't screw this mission up.

Scene 18 - In his lair, Chester is watching the battle unfold on his little Hello Kitty monitor. Everything it shows has a pink tint to it.

Chester - This is what I get for stealing everything from Ebay.

Then, a bunch of phaser sounds come from the hallway outside the room. Chester motions to his henchmen to get the door.

Henchman #1 - Err...My Lord, there's 6 Starfleet officers coming this way.

(Because you just knew the NoNames wouldn't last long.)

Chester - KILL THEM!

The assault teams crash into the room with phasers drawn and gun down the two henchmen before they can get out their weapons. They look over and see a very angry cat sitting in a chair.

Rightoeus - Hi! You must be Chester! I'm Righteous Lee, this is James Tener, this is Von Puker, this is Greaser and this is–

Nelix - Captain?

Righteous - Yeah?

Nelix - He doesn't care.

Chester - True. I don't usually take the time to interview the people who I'm going to kill.

The sounds of running soldiers echo down the hall.

Tener - More nameless henchmen are coming!

Spot - Take your people and fend them off, Righteous. We'll handle this guy.

Righteous, Tener, Greaser, and Puker leave. Spot and Nelix approach Chester, who comes down off his chair to meet them.

Chester - So, the infamous Fleet Admiral Spot, head of Starfleet Command. We meet at last.

Nelix - He he he...you had to live with O'Brian's family for a while. SucksO to be YU! Ah HA HA HA HA HA!

Chester - You lived with Regenald Barcley for years.

Nelix - ...Fine you win!

Spot - Wait! Barcley managed to find a way to communicate with Voyager. What did Bilby ever do? NOTHING! He got caught! By O'Brian! AH HA HA!

Chester - It appears that this battle will not be won with our knowledge of each other's past, but with our skill with the claws.

Spot and Chester leap at each other and start clawing, biting, and otherwise beating the fur out of each other. The Star Wars light saber battle music starts playing for no reason.

Nelix - Tag me! Tag me!

Spot touches Nelix's paw and Nelix jumps up for his turn at fighting Chester.

Scene 19 - The Halfass crew (I meant that in more ways that one) meet up. Naturally, the NoNames are dead.

Senseless - What happened to your NoNames?

Righteous - Friendly fire. What about yours?

Senseless - Don't know. Where are the Admirals?

Righteous - Fighting Chester.

Senseless - Think we should go give them a hand?

Righteous - No, the thought never crossed my mind.

Senseless - Gah...Senseless to Halfass.

Nog - Halfass here sir.

Senseless - Nine to beam up. Straight to the bridge.

Nog - Err...I can only take two of you at a time.

Senseless - Fine, we'll wait.

Scene 20 - At the cat fight. Chester seems to be winning and Nelix and Spot are starting to tire out.

Chester - Spot, I have something to tell you...

Spot - What's (huff) that? (huff).

Chester - Spot...I am your father...

Spot - Really?

Chester - No, I guess I can't really back that one up. GAH!

He lunges at the two Admirals and takes a paw to the face as Nelix kicks him. Nelix starts kicking his ass around the room with such frequency that Chester can't right himself and attack. Even though Nelix is doing little damage, he still seems to be enjoying himself.

Nelix - I'm pretending he's Shields.

Spot - Ah.

Then, Chester coughs up a Type I phaser and aims it at Spot.

Chester - Get ready to go to that big litterbox in the sky, Spot!

Just as he is about to fire, the room shakes and the ceiling breaks open. A large chunk of it falls on Chester. Spot and Nelix look up and see the USS Halfass hovering above them. Next thing they know, they are transported up.

Scene 21 - Sickbay. Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Genocide, and Puker are present as Stoner is fixing up Nelix and Spo–

Nelix - FIXING?

Ok, let me reword that. Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Genocide, and Puker are present as Stoner is attending to the wounds that Nelix and Spot sustained in their recent fight.

Nelix - Better...whew.

Senseless - So I'm guessing that the rebellion is crushed?

Spot - Yeah. Quite literally. I must commend you for your timely arrival. One more second and I would have been on a plate in a Chinese restaurant right about now.

Righteous - So I guess this means we can have a better ship now?

Nelix - Like hell. This way, you can't hurt anyone but yourselves. Even if we wanted to give you one, there aren't any available.

Spot - What about that one at–

Nelix - Shuuut upppp!

Puker - Well, as I always say when I'm given the chance, all's well that ends well. Sure, the USS Celestial, pride of the fleet, was destroyed due to a containment field failure, and sure, Chester is probably alive and I doubt we've seen the last of him, but look on the bright side!

Senseless - What bright side?

Puker - Nothing else bad could happen to us, right?

Righteous - Well, I have a feeling I'll need to be praying to the Prophets a lot more than usual nowadays. Anyway, where to next?

Spot - Go back to DS9 to drop off Nog, Nelix, and myself. The USS Litterbox will be around shortly to pick us up there.

Senseless - Ok. Senseless to Baque.

Baque - **What**?

Senseless - New course for you lieutenant.

Baque - Look, Butch, I'm kinda busy right now. Our engines are damaged, our navigational deflector is half shot, and I still have to get out of this atmosphere, against the tug of gravity ya know. It's extremely complex and I don't appreciate people bugging me with more stupid requests for course adjustments. It's bad enough you left Center up here with me. He keeps asking dumb questions like "are we there yet?" and "guess what I'm going to do when I get promoted."

Righteous - Aww. I wanted to be Kai.

Senseless - Lieutenant, how long till we clear the planet's gravity well?

Baque - We're almost there. Man, I'll be glad when this is over. It's been a long and stressful journey dodging birds that could puncture this stupid worthless hull and air currents that blow us around like a kite. Thankfully, we just cleared the Mesosphere.

All of a sudden, a "poof!" is heard above their heads as a sickbay light blows out. A split second later, everything else goes offline, including the anti-gravity thrusters.

Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial

NCC - 80164

Ninth Fleet

"Fight for only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	6. Celestial 6

Celestial #6 - Storm Back: Part I

By Swordtail

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435034.2. Yep, that's right. We finally learned how to convert real time to those useless stardates. Anyway, The USS Halfass is currently enroute to the Beta Magellan system to get a computer upgrade. I really don't trust Bios's people, but I guess with the Prophets watching over us nothing could happen. In the meantime, we're just trying to find ways to kill time.

Scene 1 - USS Halfass holodeck. All the senior staff are present in a copy of Vic's, the holosuite from Deep Space Nine. They're all sipping martinis and reading the latest department specific problems to each other. They would normally be listening to Vic sing, but Genocide is off trying to kill him in downtown Las Vegas somewhere.

Greaser - It would take a while, but I think if we rewire the whole ship to be in parallel instead of in series we could eliminate this circuit problem we've been having.

Baque - Yeah, we still haven't got the grass stains off the hull from last time.

Bios - Are we there yet?

Stoner, Puker, Senseless - NO! STOP ASKING!

Bios - Sheesh, you guys get all hyped up when you're visiting your home planets...

Greaser - Hey wait a minute...something's wrong here...

Senseless - What is it?

Puker - Yeah, she's right...something does seem out of place here...

Greaser - Well, we've been in the holodeck for several hours already, right?

Righteous - Yeah, so?

Greaser - Why has it not sealed us in, tried to kill us, become home to some alien organism, caused a ship-wide power drain, rewritten it's own programming, lost the safty protocols, or given birth to some evil and sentient holo-character?

Righteous - You're right, that is wrong...

Baque - Great, something else that's broken on this ship.

Senseless - Without malfunctions, holodecks are really BORING!

Puker - I'm going back to sickbay. This is a disappointment.

Righteous - Yeah, party's over, the holodeck isn't broken.

They all get up and leave the room. Out in the room outside Vic's bar...

Senseless - Computer, exit.

The Door appears but refuses to open.

Puker - YES! A malfunction!

Greaser - Nope, just a blown fuse.

Puker - Drat. Oh well, I should probably go and get back to my 13:00 appointment.

Senseless - Whose that with?

Puker - Some random crewman. He's getting a kidney transplant.

Senseless - Just out of curiosity, how long has this guy been waiting for this operation.

Puker - A year and a half.

Senseless - Ok, just making sure you didn't go over the standard waiting period.

They finally calm down Genocide and he uses his phaser to open the door.

Righteous - I'm going to go to the temple.

Senseless - Temple? Where's that?

Righteous - It used to be called Cargo Bay 1. I had to blow a bunch of junk out the airlock though.

Senseless - By any chance would this junk be labelled deuterium?

Righteous - Why yes, it was!

Senseless puts his hand to his forehead and walks off down the corridor.

NoName #1 - Bridge to Captain Righteous.

Righteous - Righteous here.

NoName #1 - We're encountering a temporal anomaly.

Righteous - Oh good that means it'll go away soon.

Baque - Ass wipe, he said temporal not temporary!

Righteous - Aren't they the same thing.

Puker - No sir.

Righteous - Then what does temporal mean?

Puker - It has to do with time travel.

Righteous - That's a bad thing.

Puker - Don't worry, we're all trained to deal with temporal anomalies.

Righteous - That's a good thing!

Puker - But we have to be real careful not to change the future.

Righteous - That's a bad thing.

Puker - But we have sophisticated sensors and computers to help to prevent that.

Rightoeus - That's a good thing.

Greaser - However, temporal anomalies often interfere with the warp field preventing warp speeds.

Righteous - That's a bad thing.

Puker - Not to mention the moral and physiological ramifications of time travel on the humanoid body.

Blank stare.

Puker - That's a bad thing.

Righteous - And we were on such a roll too.

Greaser - Whatever. I'm going to engineering.

Righteous - NO TIME! TO THE BRIDGE!

Opening credits. The USS Celestial has been replaced with the USS Halfass and the opening title has been scratched out and replaced with Star Wreck: Halfass.

Scene 2 - In the turbolift, Righteous, Baque, Center, Bios, and Genocide stand calmly and listen to the elevator music. Then the turbolift starts to shake.

Righteous - Bridge, what's happening? Are we entering the temporary analysis?

NoName #1 - No sir, the turbolift is malfunctioning.

Righteous - Oh.

The turbolift finally stops shaking. They stand for another few seconds and the ship starts shaking again.

Righteous - Bridge, what's happening?

NoName #1 - We're entering the anomaly!

The turbolift stops and the people file out and take their stations.

Genocide - Why are we entering the anomaly?

NoName #1 - I didn't know it was my job to stop the ship from flying straight into it.

Senseless, Stoner, and Greaser enter the bridge from the turbolift.

Righteous - Crewman, we don't train our people to blindly follow orders!

Senseless - Actually sir...

Genocide - That's it, demotion!

NoName #1 - I'm already as far down as I can go!

Genocide - Exactly.

He whips out a phaser and kills NoName #1.

Senseless - Baque, get us out of here! NOW!

Baque - FINE! Maybe I WILL!

Righteous - Would you please?

Baque - Oh, ok.

He hits some buttons and the ship starts shaking even more.

Senseless - It doesn't seem to be working.

Baque - Excellent deduction, Commander Sherlock. The engines can't pull us free. We're too far into it. If only we had impulse engines instead of just these stupid manoeuvring thrusters.

Center - We're coming out the other side of the temporal anomaly.

Bios - The vortex is collapsing, sir!

Righteous - See? What did I tell you? Didn't I say it would be only temporary? This is a good thing.

Senseless - Actually sir...

Bios - Without the anomaly, we can't get back to our own time.

Righteous - That's a bad thing, isn't it.

Senseless - Where are we?

Bios - I'm having trouble pinpointing our location, much less our time.

Baque - Well, what's that big thingy in front of us?

Bios - Err...That's the viewscreen, Toc.

Baque - Not that, idiot, the thing _on_ the viewscreen.

Bios - A clear polymer sheet of scratch and dust resistant material.

Baque - Just tell me what the damn star nearest us is called.

Bios - Oh! According to this the star is the Vulcan sun.

Stoner - Most logical.

Senseless - We were just leaving Bajor before. Are you saying we travelled over 10,000 lightyears and crossed over into another quadrant in the blink of an eye?

Bios - Well, the time was actually about the length of the blink of two eyes but yeah, that's about right.

Senseless - Ok we know where we are, now let's find out when we are.

Baque - Stop trying to be so dramatic.

Bios - I dunno. The main computer isn't sophisticated enough to complete the necessary calculations.

Center - Then why don't we just go ask the vulcans?

Baque - Ask the vulcans? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Has anyone in history ever gotten a straight answer out of Vulcans when it comes to time travel?

Senseless - Perhaps, but it's the only thing we can do right now. Until we find out what the date is we can't go back.

Righteous - Set course for Vulcan, maximum warp.

Center - Actually we're in orbit of Vulcan, sir.

Righteous - Don't question my orders. MAXIMUM WARP!

Baque - F you.

Righteous - Fine, I'll do it myself.

Righteous hits some buttons on his armrest console and the bridge lights go out.

Righteous - Oops. Let me try again.

He hits another button and the ready-room door opens.

Righteous - Fine, fine, we'll do it your way. Prepare an away party.

Scene 3 - Senseless, Tener, Stoner, and Center beam down to Vulcan. They materialize in the middle of a town square. Everywhere dead Vulcans litter the ground.

Stoner - Most illogical.

Senseless - We only brought you along as a tour guide. Don't get your hopes up to have the plot line all to yourself.

Stoner - Acknowledged, sir.

Senseless - Tricorders.

Center - Non-operational Commander. There seems to be some gamma radiation interfering with the scanning apparatus.

Tener - In English please?

Center - She ain't working sir.

Tener - Thank you.

Stoner - Logic dictates we head for the Capital City.

Senseless - Um, Ensign? This is the capital.

They all stand still as the wind blows a tumbleweed past them. Green blood is spilled all over the ground.

Stoner - Surak damn it!

Surak - Did someone call my name?

Stoner - No, it was just an expression of annoyance at present circumstances that humans often use to calm down. I was merely emulating such behaviour in an attempt to better integrate with the crew.

Senseless - Err...where did that voice come from?

A vulcan man walks out of an alley and greets them in the traditional vulcan greeting of giving them the middle finger.

Stoner - So _that's_ the greeting that is meant to convey a message to new allies. And here we were getting it all wrong for centuries.

Center does a quick scan of the man, then scans Stoner.

Center - According to this, their DNA is pretty close, but there are still some differences.

Senseless - Who are you?

Surak - As the name in front of this speech indicates, I am Surak of Vulcan.

Stoner - _The_ Surak of Vulcan?

Surak - Yes. I am he who will be remembered for generations, well into the 24th century. However I do not know that yet so I must pretend to be inquisitive. How do you know me?

Stoner - You are he who has been remembered for generations, well into the 24th century. However, I shouldn't be telling you this because it will most likely mess up the timeline. But, seeing as time travel is impossible, I will pretend to not care.

Senseless - Damn vulcans.

Center - I just called the ship and had the tricorder scans matched with the DNA database. According to his DNA he really is Surak of Vulcan.

Tener - Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Surak die almost 2000 years ago?

Stoner - Indeed.

Surak - Fascinating.

Center - What is it with vulcans and that word.

Senseless - Um, Mr. Surak, this is gonna sound a little weird but could you tell us what the stardate is?

Surak - The day is Stardate -1542500

Senseless - Oh my god... That _is_ almost 2000 years into our past.

Surak - Where are you people from? I have concluded that it would be illogical for vulcans to be the only form of life in the universe, but I did not expect contact for many generation, not until our people have changed their way of life.

Senseless - Um...we're from a planet called...err...Melmack.

Surak - Then why do you travel with another vulcan?

Senseless - She's not a vulcan, she's a romulan.

Stoner - Yes. I am a back-stabbing, trecherous, no-good, illogical, bastardy Romulan.

Tener - So much for that subterfuge.

Then, a shell explodes a few metres away from them.

Surak - We must hide! This way!

He takes them down the alley he came from and leads them into a old building. Several drug dealers give them dirty looks as they pass.

Surak - This structure will protect us. For now.

Senseless - Err...we need to talk with...our people...we'll be right back.

Center and Senseless walk away.

Stoner - Have you crossed through The Forge yet?

Surak - Yeah. What a bummer that was. Despite the legends, there really is no bag of pot at the end of the rainbow.

Stoner - And did you learn anything during your journey?

Surak - Only that it gets very hot there.

Tener - Ensign, I thought you said he had by now embraced logic?

Stoner - Fascinating. Surak, what do you intend to do now that you have crossed through the Forge and survived?

Surak - I intend to go down to the nearest bar and get so drunk I can't walk. Then I intend to do it again and again and again until I can't walk even when I'm sobered up!

Stoner - That is highly illogical.

Surak - So?

Tener - Um..Ensign I think I know what you're getting at and I must tell you NOT to do anything that will change the course of history. Maybe the historians got it wrong and it wasn't the Forge that he crossed to become enlightened.

Surak - Would someone with pointed ears please explain this to me!

Stoner - I know the risks Lieutenant, but did it ever occur to you that perhaps _we_ are responsible for Vulcan's change in thinking?

Tener - Nonsense. You can't have an effect before the cause. And you certainly can't have the effect be the cause.

Stoner - For what reason?

Surak - I'm getting very angry here!

Tener - You just can't! It's that simple!

Stoner - Go get the Commander and ask him. He's in charge of what we do.

Surak - I want to know what you're talking about!

Tener - Fine I'll go get the Commander.

He goes and gets Senseless and Center.

Senseless - What's this about changing history?

Surak - EXPLAIN! MYSELF DAMN IT! FINE! I'M LEAVING!

As he stands up a bullet flies through the wall and hits him in the heart...well actually it would be the liver if he were human but you get the point.

Center - OH MY GOD!

While Center and Tener fend off the attacking vulcans, Surak preforms a mind meld on Stoner while she is checking him with a medical tricorder.

Stoner - That's it. He's dead.

Senseless - What did he do to you?

Stoner - He probably gave me his catra, but let's pretend he didn't, OK?

Tener - Sir, there's too many of them!

Senseless - Away team to Halfass, five to beam up!

Scene 4 - Sickbay of the Halfass. Puker is standing over a dead Surak. Stoner, Bios, Righteous, Senseless, and Genocide are also present.

Puker - No way we could have saved him from that bullet that hit him. Too much arterial damage.

Righteous - I bet the Prophets could have saved him...

Senseless - Admiral Spot is going to be very, very, VERY PISSED!

Stoner - We can probably safely assume that this was what happened in our history, so nothing should have changed.

Senseless - Let's hope so.

Bios - Well, sir, I've made the necessary time-warp calculations. By sling-shooting ourselves around the vulcan sun, we should be able to return to our time, back in 2381.

Righteous - Let's get to it then.

They all go to the bridge...well actually Puker and Stoner stay behind...and Center and Baque are already on the bridge...so yeah.

Senseless - Baque, prepare for coordinates.

Baque - Waiting...

Bios - Ok I've sent you the crap. Do it.

The Halfass flies around the sun and time-warps through time and ends up in a different time at some point in time.

Senseless - Report.

Bios - We've returned to our proper time.

Senseless - Hail Vulcan.

Righteous - ...They're not responding, sir.

Senseless - What? Sensors!

Center - Captain, I'm picking up several ships on an intercept course. They're arrangement appears to be vulcan.

Senseless - Hail them.

Center - No response.

Genocide - They're charging weapons.

Senseless - Shields.

Righteous - Open a channel.

Beep!

Righteous - This is Captain Righteous of the USS Halfass. We come in peace. Don't kill us!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Their weapons are far superior to anything owned by the Federation.

Senseless - Baque, set a course for Earth. Maximum warp.

Baque - They're matching our course, gaining on us!

Senseless - Release a neutrino burst from the aft torpedo launcher.

Center - Sorry, can't do that on this ship.

Senseless - Well, then find a way to fire the phasers, without them collapsing our warp field. You know, just like they kept doing on Deep Space Nine.

Center - Also impossible. We follow the laws of physics in this show.

Senseless - How about–

Center - Nope.

Senseless - What if we–

Center - Forget it.

Senseless - Does anything on this ship work?

Center - Sometimes the doors open.

Genocide - Wait...They're dropping out of warp, turning around.

Senseless - Gee, must be our lucky day.

Baque - I've got Earth on sensors.

Senseless - Hailing frequencies open.

Center - No response.

Righteous - Oh well, worth a try. On to Bajor I guess.

Senseless - Lieutenant, are you _sure_ you got the right temporal coordinates inputted into the computer?

Bios - Positive. I triple checked everything.

Senseless - Err...what's wrong with the Earth? It looks all burned.

Center - Hey...I'm not detecting any life signs on it.

Senseless - My God...

Baque - Hate to interrupt this little drama class, but we've got a Romulan Warbird bearing down on us with weapons charged.

Center - They're hailing.

Romulan Commander - This is the warbird Dribraw. Identify yourself.

Righteous - This is Captain Righteous of the USS Halfass.

Romulan - You are carrying vulcans with you. Lower your defenses and prepare to be boarded.

Righteous - I'm afraid we can't do that. You see, we are having a little trouble with our transporters–

Boom, ship rocks, sparks!

Romulan - Then prepare to be destroyed!

Righteous - Well, it was nice that he gave us time to prepare.

Righteous starts praying. About ten seconds later a bucket of cold water hits him in the face.

Senseless - DAMN IT CAPTAIN THIS IS NO TIME TO BE PRAYING!

Righteous pulls the bucket off his head.

Righteous - You're right. Helm, find a way to save our sorry asses.

Through sheer luck, skill, or a little of both, Baque manages to piolet the Sabre-class vessel to the only place it is safe from the warbird's disruptors: Right between the two hulls.

Senseless - Genocide, target their power supply.

Genocide taps a few buttons. On the underside of the hull, a turret deploys. On the end of this turret is a compression phaser rifle with it's power lines tied into wires that go back into the ship.

Genocide - Armed.

Senseless - Fire.

Boom! The warbird explodes and the Halfass sustains minor damage.

Righteous - Can I pray now?

Senseless - Knock yourself out.

Genocide - There's a lot of intact parts of the ship. We can probably salvage some weapons.

Bios - The main computer might be intact. If we can get it, I can determine where events went wrong.

Center - I think we should just leave it where it is and just fly off to the other side of the galaxy and repopulate the human species.

Senseless - All excellent ideas. Have all department heads submit information in two hours, in the briefing room. I'm going to sickbay.

Scene 5 - Briefing room, five hours later. All the senior staff are present.

Senseless - LATE!

Righteous - OK, the Prophets have actually spoken to me for trice, and they say stuff like they are of Bajor, and the Righteous is linear, and gave no information other than that they think I'm worthy of becoming a Prophet myself.

Baque (to Genocide) - I wonder how much of that is truth.

Senseless - Bios, have you determined where history went screwy?

Bios - Err...yes...and you won't like it.

Senseless - Let's hear it.

Bios gets up and goes to stand in front of the wall monitor.

Bios - From the Romulan computer archives, I've been able to determine that the major factor has been the vulcans. 2000 years ago, Surak of Vulcan was killed. Without him, Vulcan never had their logical revolution and kept being savage and blood thirsty. When they detected Cochrane's warp flight, they considered Earth a threat and annihilated the entire population with atomic warheads. Since Earth never got far into space, the Federation was never born. Romulas annexed most of the planets that would normally have joined the Federation, making them the largest power in the quadrant. They've been at war with the vulcans for generations.

Senseless - So that's what went wrong, now how do we fix it?

Bios - I'm not sure we can, sir. After all, Surak of Vulcan is lying in our morgue.

Stoner - The logical thing to do would be to go back to stardate -1542500 and prevent ourselves from interacting with Surak in the first palce.

Center - How would _we _respond if future versions of ourselves showed up and tried to stop us from beaming down to a planet?

Senseless - We'd never believe them.

Genocide - We'll have to destroy ourselves. That's the only way to prevent a temporal paradox as I see it.

Senseless - How do you know so much about temporal mechanics?

Genocide - I took a course in temporal weaponry at the Academy. We covered paradox torpedoes.

Tener - Won't destroying ourselves cause us to cease to exist?

Puker - Why? Getting Surak killed and destroying the Federation didn't.

Tener - Good point. God I love it when we throw continuity out the airlock.

Senseless - One more problem. Won't the vulcans eventually discover the wreckage and won't that change history?

Righteous - Tractor the ship into the sun.

Baque - That's actually not a halfassed idea.

Center - On this ship, we're full of 'em.

Senseless - Then it's settled. We go back and kill ourselves. Dismissed.

Scene 6 - The Halfass has returned to Vulcan and is in the process of fighting a bunch of Vulcan ships. On the bridge...

Senseless - How are we going to get the right trajectory for a time-warp if these ships keep firing at us? Come on people, I need some plausible technobabble here.

Bios - What if we rigged a subspace inversion beam that would imprint the signature of a cloaked ship onto nearby space dust, making it obvious that a cloaked romulan ship is present? They may leave us alone and go fight ghosts, giving us enough time to complete the time-warp.

Righteous - It's so plausible it just might work! Do it!

A bunch of crap happens, but the Vulcan's don't take the bait.

Center - Sir, the vulcans aren't taking the bait.

Senseless - I can read, Ensign!

Righteous - Fly boy, get us out of here, maximum warp.

Baque - Yeah, yeah, going to maximum warp, setting course back to earth...

Center - They're not responding.

Genocide - Of course not, we didn't hail them.

Center - Oops, I meant to say they're not pursuing. I'm just so used to ships always following us and our hails always going unanswered.

Senseless - We need to figure some things out. Come on, guys, think!

He looks around. For some reason Puker, Greaser, and Tener have reported to the bridge. Greaser and Stoner are bitch slapping each other, Baque and Center are having a mercy fight, Bios is taking apart her chair, Righteous is praying, and Puker is preforming a full-blown brain surgery on Tener, who has somehow gotten a very large log stuck in his hand.

Puker - Don't question me, I'm a professional.

Senseless - Well THAT was a stupid order.

Scene 7

Righteous - Captain's log, vitamin supplementals. We have returned to Earth, even though I would rather go to Bajor, and have begun upgrading our weapons with romulan technology. We still have no idea how to fool the Vulcans into allowing us to use their sun to do the time warp–

Genocide - Why don't we just use Earth's sun for the time-warp and then go to Vulcan once we're in the past?

Righteous - No! As I was saying, we need to find a way to let the vulcan's know that what we're doing is for their own good–

Genocide - Actually the vulcan's couldn't be happier at the moment. They're currently more powerful than the Federation ever was.

Righteous - Ok, It's for _our_ own good. Anyway, Ensign Stoner is currently in the main computer archive core trying to find a way that we might slip past the vulcans undetected–

Genocide - In reality she's doing one of those weird vulcan meditations...considering its' the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

Righteous - Whose recording this log entry anyway?

Genocide - maybe if you weren't such a stupid son of a bitch...

Righteous -What was that?

Genocide - Um...maybe if I didn't have such a bad itch?

Righteous - Well, why don't you go to sickbay then.

Genocide - Fine...

Righteous - Excellent. Computer, end recording.

Scene 8 - The briefing room. It kinda goes without saying that the senior staff are here.

Righteous - I have a few questions before we begin. First of all, how is Ensign Stoner, the Doctor's _assistant_, part of the senior staff.

Stoner - It is quite logical. Dr. Puker can't remember half of what he is told here so I must fill in the gaps for him.

Righteous - Next question. Has anyone ever noticed we hold a lot more briefings than other ships?

Baque (under his breath) - Cause you're so incompetent that we need to.

Righteous - Well?

Senseless - Sir?

Righteous - Yes?

Senseless - Forget about it.

Righteous - Ok then.

Senseless - Now, Ensign Stoner has come up with an idea.

Stoner - I have?

Puker elbows her in the ribs.

Stoner - Oh yeah. _That_ idea. Well, I figured that the logical thing to do would be to pretend that all the vulcans on the ship are actually secret agents for Vulcan and have taken over the ship.

Senseless - Not a bad suggestion, but do we have enough vulcans onboard to make it work?

Genocide - Computer, how many vulcans are onboard the ship?

Computer - Ask politely.

Genocide takes out his phaser and destroys the microphone/speaker mount on the ceiling.

Genocide - We'll just have to wing it.

Stoner - I'll naturally be the choice to be the apparent commanding officer.

Puker - I have a better idea. Why don't you all let me do some plastic surgery and make you all look like vulcans?

Center - I like Stoner's idea better.

Righteous - Well, I don't. To sickbay, everyone.

Then, to mark an end to the conversation, the microphone/speaker mount falls from the ceiling and smashes through the table.

Scene 9 - Sickbay. Puker has finished working his magic on the senior staff. Everyone but himself and Baque and Tener have been operated on. They are currently looking in mirrors at their reelections.

Greaser - Oh my god...

Senseless - Damn it.

Puker obviously can't do plastic surgery very well. Righteous' face is totally upside down, Senseless only has one eye and it's in the middle of his forehead, Greaser looks like a smurf, Genocide has twelve misshapen vulcan ears located at various spots around his body. Bios' skin has somehow turned orange and her mouth is three times bigger than it should be. Center is now totally bald, has no ears at all, and no nose. Stoner, who was vulcan to begin with, now looks like Al Gore.

Puker - Hmmm...Maybe Stoner's idea was a better one.

Stoner - I still don't see why you had to operate on me.

Puke - Meh. I was on a roll.

Genocide - God damn it how am I supposed to fire the phasers when I can't see?

Senseless - Well, the only way we can get back to our normal appearances is to get a doctor from our reality to operate on us.

Puker - In the meantime, I'll try to figure out what went wrong.

Then, Baque walks into sickbay.

Baque - Doc, I'm here for my operat–

He stops dead when he sees the rest of the senior staff.

Baque - Jesus...Christ...

Puker - Um...I might have to reschedule yours.

Baque - ...Good idea.

Senseless - From your vantage point, how bad does it look?

Baque - Well...I _suppose_ you _could_ pass as vulcans...if you maybe talk like them...and rig the transmission to emit static all the time...and keep the lights off.

Righteous - Oh well, everyone to the bridge.

Scene 10 - Bridge. The Halfass approaches Vulcan. Several ships intercept and destroy her. However, the producers thought that more likely scenario was too boring so the vulcan's simply hail the ship.

Center - We're being hailed sir.

Righteous - Poker faces everyone. On screen.

Genocide - I can't move a single muscle in my face.

Beep!

Vulcan Commander - Identify yoursel–What in the name of all that is illogical...?

Senseless - We are a covert vulcan team sent to capture this alien craft and return it to the High Command.

Vulcan Commander - Normally I'd be suspicious about these scans I just took, but I don't want to look at anything so hideous any longer so I'll just say go about your business.

Beep!

Center - He's stopped transmitting.

Genocide - The ships are moving off. Drat. I wanted to test these new romulan weapons I painstakingly installed.

Righteous - Flyboy, set a course to the Vulcan sun, and prepare the time thingy that makes us go places.

Bios - Time-warp?

Righteous - Yeah, that's it! Engage!

With cool special effects, meaning it's the only time during the season Paramount has opted to spend money, the Halfass goes flying around the sun and back in time.

Senseless - Report.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, we've got a problem.

Senseless - I wasn't asking you but go ahead.

Greaser - Seems this time-warping is using one hell of a lot of deuterium up. Before we destroy ourselves, could be beam over all our deuterium from our tanks to our tanks?

Righteous - I'm getting a headache.

Senseless - Just try not to think about it sir.

Righteous - I'm good at that!

With that he starts praying...again.

Senseless - We'll look into it Commander, bridge out.

Bios - Good news! We're at the right place and time. Orbiting Vulcan, 2 minutes before our past selves arrive to screw things up.

Senseless - Genocide, get a good lock on their power distribution network. I want to cripple them enough to tractor them into the sun.

Genocide - I still think it's a better idea to just vaporize them here and now.

Bios - Here they come.

Senseless - That was two minutes?

Center - Temporal anomaly opening off the port bow.

Genocide - The USS Halfass is coming out. Locking target.

Senseless - Hail them. Let's make this easier shall we?

Beep!

Senseless - This is the Federation starship Halfass calling the Federation starship Halfass.

(Busy signal)

Senseless - Err...screw it. Just open hailing frequencies.

Beep!

Past Senseless - What the hell?

Senseless - Lower your shields and prepare to be destroyed. If you don't comply, we'll destroy you.

Past Righteous - What? I'm confused.

Past Baque - You're always confused.

Baque - I was just about to say the same thing.

Senseless - You have ten minutes to—Ah forget it. Genocide, fire at will!

Past Genocide - What? Who am I supposed to fire at? You guys?

Senseless - Did I say _Past_ Genocide? NO! Present Genocide, destroy them.

The two Federation ships battle it out, but the Present Halfass has the advantage of using romulan disruptors and quickly disables the Past Halfass.

Senseless - Ensign, tractor beam.

Center - Got them.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, set a course for the vulcan sun, full thruster power.

Baque - NO! I'm going to go to sickbay and get my face repaired.

Center - But you're the only one who didn't get plastic surgery.

Baque - Well...FINE!

He stomps out of the room. A NoName replaces him at the helm console.

Bios - I'm still puzzled at how this hasn't caused us to cease to exist.

Center - Yeah, wonder why that is.

Senseless - Maybe the presence of chroniton particles has somehow prevented the temporal paradox.

Righteous - Maybe the Prophets are behind it. They do work in mysterious ways.

Genocide - If you can call crazy mysterious...

Bios - Maybe non-corporeal beings are behind this. Maybe, just maybe, this whole affair, from the temporal anomaly in the beginning, is the work of someone like Q.

FLASH!

Q - Did someone say my name?

Senseless - No, we were must using you as a topic of conversation.

Q - So no one's having fun?

Senseless - Not right now. We're kinda busy.

Q - Oh. OK.

FLASH!

Pause.

FLASH!

Q - Are you _sure_ you don't need me?

Senseless - Pretty sure.

Q - Man has humanity become boring over the last few years.

FLASH!

Bios - Wait a minute! I've figured it out!

Senseless - Well why hasn't anything gone screwy then?

Bios - Because this is Star Trek. Nothing makes sense. Ever!

NoName #2 - Sir, we're almost there.

Baque, Greaser, and Puker come onto the bridge. Baque is carrying a can of something.

Puker - Lieutenant, I'm telling you I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out! There's nothing to worry about!

Baque - You guys wouldn't believe how crappy this beer tastes. It's like heavy water.

Greaser - Heavy water? Why don't we just use it to power the warp engines?

Baque and Greaser take their stations.

Baque - Ready for breaking manoeuvres.

Center - Cutting tractor beam...

Senseless - So, what should be do when we get back to our time? A shore leave at Risa?

Righteous - Sounds good to me. Apparently, they value religion almost as much as we Bajorans do.

Center - Tractor beam offline. There she goes.

Bios - OH SHIT!

Senseless What!

Bios - I just remembered that we - and they - have a load of trilithium in our cargo bays!

Center - Isn't trilithium capable of halting all fusion within a star!

Bios - YES!

Senseless - Ensign, tractor beam!

Center - Too late! It's too far into the corona!

Bios - I'm detecting a level 9 shockwave forming!

Righteous - Flyboy, get us out of here, warp 4!

Baque - Way ahead of you!

The Halfass goes to warp just as the shockwave reaches them.

Senseless - Phew! That was a close one.

Center - Err...sir?

Senseless - Yeah?

Center - Vulcan has been destroyed.

The camera pans outside the ship.

Senior staff - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

To be continued...


	7. Celestial 7

Celestial #7: Storm Back: Part II

By Swordtail

Started July 20th, 2005

I'm not going to waste time with a stupid flash back so just read Storm Back: Part I if you don't remember anything.

Scene 1 - The scene is in a small village, obviously on Earth. The level of technology indicates that this must be during the 24th century, and many different races are present...except vulcans. Sitting around a table are Lieutenant-Commander Greaser and Ensign Stoner.

Greaser - Bios should be back by now.

Stoner - It is unlikely that she will return at all. I saw a Future Shop a few kilometres back that was just begging her to enter it.

Greaser - Wait, here she comes.

Bios walks over to them and takes a seat at the table.

Greaser - Well?

Bios - Well what?

Greaser - Did you find her?

Bios - Yeah, I found her. She's not exactly how we remember her though.

Stoner - In what way?

Bios - She's really sceptical. Doesn't trust anyone.

Greaser - Well there were bound to be changes. So what happened?

Bios - She didn't accept our cover story.

Greaser - What? She didn't believe that we're a musical band of cat-loving teenagers who tour the world and fight crime?

Bios - No, she didn't.

Greaser - Damn it! Admir–err.. Spot is the only person who could possibly be competent enough to help us, and she didn't believe we were Josey and the Pussy Cats?

Stoner - Can you blame her?

Bios - Next time _I'll_ come up with the cover story.

Stoner - Perhaps we should tell her the truth.

Greaser - Are you nuts? That will royally screw up the time line. Why, if it gets any worse–

She stops and thinks about all that has occurred in the last couple days.

Greaser - On second thought, screw it. Let's just go tell her.

Scene 2 - High above Earth, a massive space station orbits inconspicuously. Use your imaginations cause I really don't feel like describing it. Inside it's huge docking area, the USS Halfass sits next to some other unidentified ships. The scene is in a bar on the observation deck of the station. Senseless, Genocide, and Puker are present.

Senseless - Well, Nelix didn't believe our cover story.

Genocide- Oh, gee, he didn't believe we were the Backstreet Boys. What a bloody surprise.

Senseless - All was going fine till I let it slip that we could actually sing. After that he got really suspicious.

Puker - Medical science in this reality sucks. I couldn't even get a damn bandaid.

Genocide - Err..You were looking for one in the barber's shop.

Puker - Every establishment should always have a first aid kit.

Senseless - I just hope the Captain has had better luck...

Meanwhile, in another part of the station, Righteous and Center are standing behind Baque, who is arguing with a Ferengi sale's man, who apparently left his universal translator at home today. Beer cans are covering the counter.

Baque - No, read my lips. We want _deuterium_! Not more American beer!

Opening credits. Just like last time, the Celestial has been replaced with the USS Halfass. Thankfully, they didn't pull an Enterprise and do a total make-over of the credits and theme song.

Scene 3 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present.

Senseless - Greaser, any luck?

Greaser - Well, we found Admiral Spot. She's currently the captain of the SS Litterbox.

Baque - Go figure.

Greaser - However, she didn't seem all that intent to help us. Kept saying that every instinct in her body told her to stay away from us. I'm not sure what that meant...

Senseless - So on the bright side Earth is alive and kicking and the Federation formed without the vulcan's help after all.

Righteous - Ooh! Ooh! What about Bajor?

Senseless - Still under Cardassian occupation.

Righteous - And the celestial temple?

Senseless - Destroyed. By the Tal Shier.

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

Senseless - Anywho, we didn't have any luck contacting Admiral Nelix. He's running a boot camp on Orbital Station 3 and refused to talk...also saying that he felt he should stay away from us...

Baque - We didn't have much luck either. The Ferengi we talked to wouldn't give us any pure deuterium. On the other hand, he gave us so much American beer that we can probably extract the heavy water out of it, meaning we'll get a 100 yield, and then we can get out the deuterium and fly the ship halfway across the galaxy.

Center - God bless American beer.

The rest of the humans in the room stare at him.

Center - Err..figuratively speaking.

Puker - On the other bright side, those chemical injections I gave you people seem to be working wonders on your faces. You should be totally back to normal in a couple hours.

Baque - That's nice, but I keep thinking we're forgetting something...

Genocide - It's probably just temporal psychosis. Anyway, I think I'll have the intruder alert sirens fixed in a couple days. The sensors are still a little jumpy.

Senseless - You should probably get Lieutenant Tener to help you out. Hey, where is Tener?

Bios - I haven't seen him in almost a week.

Righteous - Computer, locate Lieutenant Tener.

Computer - Lieutenant Tener is not aboard the ship.

Righteous - When did he leave?

Computer - Unknown.

Senseless - How come we just started missing him _now_?

Bios - It must be temporal psychosis after all.

Puker - I'll do some scans of some of the crew.

Senseless - Great. Now we have three problems: Fixing the time line, finding Tener, and finding a cure to incurable temporal psychosis.

Stoner - Don't worry about Tener. I'm sure he'll turn up eventually.

Senseless - Last we saw of him he was in that briefing a few days ago when we decided to destroy our past selves.

Genocide - Well then he couldn't have gotten far.

Righteous - Speaking of missing crew, what happened to all the 520 other survivors from the Celestial? Sabre class ships only hold 80 and the last crew count put us at 600 before we boarded this ship.

Senseless - That's where we get all our replacement NoNames. They're all stuffed into storage in the cargo bay.

Baque - Still is weird how Tener vanished without a trace, and even before he heard of Puker's plan to modify us all.

Senseless - Well, until we can get some deuterium we aren't going anywhere so we might as well start searching for him. Prep some shuttles.

Baque - Err, Commander?

Senseless - Yeah?

Baque - The Halfass doesn't have any shuttles. We don't even have a shuttle bay.

Senseless -Well then rent them. Dismissed!

Scene 4 - In a big dark and stinky room somewhere, Lieutenant Tener is shackled to an vertical table. Before him stands a fluffy cat.

Chester - So, you idiots were hoping to restore the time line, were you?

Tener - What is it with villains and shackling hostages to metal boards?

Chester - Now that I have you where you can't escape, behind a level 12 force field, I'll reveal my entire villainous plan to you.

Tener - Do I have to listen?

Chester -SILENCE! Now, you're probably wondering how I can remember things from your reality.

Tener - Actually I'm more interested in how you survived being crushed by a tonne of concrete.

Chester - We cats have nine lives, you seem to forget this fact. Anyway, I'm here to use the mess your crew made to my benefit. You see, when your ship first encountered the temporal anomaly, an operative aboard the USS Halfass told me of it. I just knew you nitwits would somehow screw up history, so I immediately beamed to your ship using my subspace transporter.

Tener - Aren't those things dangerous

Chester - How should I know I never saw that episode of TNG.

Tener - If you harm me, my crew will hunt you down and put you to sleep.

Chester - I've known warm bowls of milk that could have done a better job. And besides, your crew doesn't even know your missing.

Tener - ...Idiots...

Chester - It seems that in all the confusion they managed to forget all about you.

Tener - Not surprising. So, can I go now?

Chester - Not just yet. You see, this whole situation is benefiting me in ways you couldn't imagine. Without the vulcans, the Federation has become capitalist, which means I'm in a position to make one hell of a lot of latinum.

Tener (spying a box that just materialized in the middle of the room) - By selling warp-powered vacuum cleaners?

Chester - Precisely. But, most people already have a vacuum cleaner, so I must prove mine are better, and the only way to do that is to DESTROY THE COMPETITION!

Tener - Why don't you just come up with a classy slogan?

Chester - Already done. "Orion Vacuum's Syndicated: We REALLY suck!"

Tener starts laughing uncontrollably.

Chester - Pure genius, isn't it?

Tener laughs even harder to the point where he wets himself.

Chester - That will be all.

Chester hits some buttons and the table holding Tener, still laughing, flips around the wall, bringing out a fire place in his place. Then, in typical bad-guy fashion, Chester starts laughing manically.

Scene 5 - Baque and Greaser are in a rented Ferengi shuttlecraft searching for Tener.

Greaser - I told you so.

Baque - What?

Greaser - I told you we were lost.

Baque - We're not lost.

Greaser - Then explain why we've passed that same nebula ten times in the last three hours.

Baque - It's quite simple really. You see, in nature some shapes are repeated often–

Greaser - I've run a quantum analysis three times! It's the same nebula!

Baque - I'm telling you I know exactly where we are.

Greaser - How come men always refuse to ask directions?

Baque - We're in deep space, who are we going to get directions from?

Then they pass a tiny space station with a big sign that says "Cat's Eye Nebula: Tourist Bureau."

Greaser - Stop the shuttle.

Baque - No, I know where I'm going.

Greaser - Stop the shuttle. That's an order.

Baque - Fine, fine.

He puts on the breaks and pulls up to one of the station's docking umbilicals. Inside the station, two really old tellerites are sitting in rocking chairs.

Tellerite #1 - Whatca y'all youngins want taday?

Greaser - Hi, I'm Lieutenant-Commander Greaser, and this is Lieutenant Baque. We're from the USS Halfass. We were hoping that you could tell us where the nearest criminal hideout is.

The two old tellerites give them a blank stare for nearly a minute.

Tellerite #2 - Dang kids and their dang hobbies these days.

Tellerite #1 - Ay ope ya'll know whatcha gettin youself intos now.

Baque - I think the universal translator is broken.

Greaser - Actually we're trying to find a colleague of ours. Do you know where he might have been taken.

More blank stares.

Greaser - We are looking for a friend.

Still blank stares. Baque gets smart and takes out a tricorder.

Baque - Um...they're dead ma'am.

Greaser - Murdered?

Baque - No. Just old age.

Greaser - Looks like we'll have to do it your way from now on. Back to the shuttle.

Scene 6 - The scene is in that area of the station where Senseless, Puker, and Genocide had first been seen in this episode. Righteous, Senseless, Puker, Genocide, and Center are getting drunk off distilled water while reading PADDs that are covered with temporal mechanics info.

Righteous - Boy, all I can say is that I'm sure glad this is _temporal_ mechanics we're studying. I don't think I can comprehend this much longer.

Genocide - _Temporal! _Not _temporary!_

Righteous - I still don't see the difference. I looked them up in the dictionary and apparently they both have something to do with the passage of time so ha ha.

Genocide - Whatever, sir.

Senseless - Guys, I think I have it!

Righteous - Oh goodie! Do tell!

They all look at a crayon-drawn picture.

Senseless - By making a rough map of the time-line, I've determined that all our troubles started when we first encountered that temporal anomaly.

Genocide - Ya think?

Center - ...So if that anomaly never existed...

Senseless - We wouldn't have inadvertently changed history.

Center - So the thing to do is go back to several minutes before our past selves encounter the anomaly and destroy it from the Vulcan side.

Righteous - Now I'm no trained piolet from the 29th century, but I don't see how we can possibly destroy the trilateral analogy with the measly weapons we have.

Senseless - That isn't exactly true. Phasers and other weapons won't do anything to the anomaly, but an _inversely charged_ temporal anomaly of the same class might just do the trick.

Puker - How do we create an inversely charged temporal anomaly? Especially one that traverses both time _and_ space at the same time?

Senseless - ...I have no fing idea.

A big, fat klingon carrying some dead animals walks buy.

Klingon #1 - TARGS! GET YOUR TARGS! GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE DEAD!

Center - What if we created a big enough tachyon pulse from the core and inclosed it inside a warp bubble?

Klingon - 2381: A VERY GOOD YEAR FOR TARG!

Senseless - I doubt the Halfass's warp core could possibly generate the necessary power for such a burst.

Klingon #1 - ALL MY TARGS ARE GUARANTEED TO NOT BE MISTREATED!

Puker - It would be really helpful if there was a stable, naturally occurring inversely charged temporal anomaly that we knew of and could harness...

Klingon #1 - THEY'RE NAMES WERE WINKY, STINKY, AND DWINKY!

Righteous - Ever notice how Bajorans and Humans all have the same number of fingers?

Klingon #1 - NOW THEY CAN BE YOURS IN LESS TIME THEN IT TAKES ONE TO BE ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG!

Center - If we can't find a solution to our problem, we'll be forced to stay here indefinitely.

The klingon walks up to the table that the four officers are sitting at.

Center - That's FIVE officers!

Whatever.

Klingon #1 - You guys look like you could use some cheering up. How bout a dead targ?

He slams one of his targs down on the table, which breaks in two.

Righteous - Due to budget cuts, this station can't afford good quality tables.

Senseless - Sorry, Mister, but I don't think this is going to help us.

Then the targ on the table jumps up and bites them all in the nose, one by one.

Senseless, Genocide, Puker, Center - Ow!

Righteous - Gee, the last targ we came across wasn't that violent.

Senseless - OF COURSE! BINKY! Thank you mister klingon sir, you've been a big help.

Klingon #1 - ...NO SENSE NO SENSE AT ALL!

The _five_ officers run out of the room back toward the airlock.

Scene 7 - Greaser and Baque are still flying around the Cat's Eye nebula in their now-stolen ferengi shuttle.

Greaser - That's it then. We've officially had this shuttle ten hours longer than we were allowed to keep it.

Baque - I'm telling you I detected a human biosign near here.

Greaser - There are humans EVERYWHERE! What makes you think this one is Tener?

Baque - It didn't die in the ten seconds I was scanning it.

Greaser - Must be him then. I still think we should go back to the ship and regroup.

Baque - I'd love to but the navigational array is on a coin operated system and I'm all out of slips of gold pressed latinum.

Greaser - Wait...we're being hailed. It's the Halfass.

Baque - Give em hell.

Beep!

Greaser - Where the hell have you idiots been? We've been flying around here for hours!

Righteous - We've been trying to save the universe thank you very much.

Greaser - Tractor us in please.

Center - Sorry, our tractor beam emitter broke on Tuesday.

Greaser - How come I wasn't notified?

Center - It's not my job to tell you things that the engineering crew are supposed to tell you.

Greaser - Well then, transport us aboard.

Center - Also broke on Tuesday.

Greaser - How bout grappling lines?

Center - Tuesday.

Greaser - EVAs?

Center - Tues–err...I suppose that could work...

Senseless - Good. I want you two to meet me in the observation lounge in twenty minutes.

Scene 8 - The observation lounge in twenty minutes. Only Senseless is there.

Scene 8.5 - The observation lounge in three hours. Greaser and Baque finally walk in and wake up their commander.

Senseless - What took so long?

Greaser - Sir, it takes at least 5 minutes just to suit up.

Senseless - Any luck with finding Lieutenant Tener?

Baque - Nothing. We thought we found him, but the navigational array wasn't working.

Greaser - You were too damn cheap to throw in a few more coins!

Senseless - What do you mean you thought you found him?

Greaser - How come Captain Righteous isn't in on this meeting?

Senseless - You've forgotten his little "every hour on the hour" line from about a month and a half ago. But anyway, answer the question.

Baque - You'd think with the wormhole destroyed he'd be a little less fanatical.

Senseless - Well, he's started worshipping the Pah Wraiths as far as I know, but please just answer my question.

Baque - Sheesh don't be so pushy. I thought I saw a human biosign in the heart of the nebula but I couldn't set a course.

Senseless - Well, luckily the Halfass's sensors are far more sophisticated than that shuttle's are.

Greaser - Well...

Baque - Not really sir...

Senseless - Fine, Commander, cannibalize that shuttle and see what you can get out of it.

Greaser - Won't the owner object?

Baque - He's just a no-name ferengi, and we all know what eventually happens to no-named ferengi: They get fired. We have nothing to worry about.

Senseless - Seeing as we are no longer in the Federation we know, the rules don't apply to us. Dismissed.

Scene 9 - In that weird room where Tener and Chester were a few scenes ago. Tener is sitting at a table in the middle of the room drinking a cappuccino and reading a book.

Tener - Wow, I can't believe that the 6th Larry Pothead book was leaked into this reality! "The Half-Assed Prince" wasn't due to come out for another three weeks!

All of a sudden Chester walks in.

Chester - Hey what the–! How did you get loose?

Tener - I got a caffeine craving. Not even those duranium reinforced shackles could hold me away from your coffee maker.

Chester - Why didn't you try and escape then?

Tener - I'm reading this book. Quite entertaining. And besides, you've got guards everywhere and they are armed to the teeth. What chance do I have?

Chester - Apparently quite a good one. Your ship is heading our way at warp 6.

Tener - Cool!

Chester - Unfortunately if you are able to return to your reality, this nice one will cease to exist. That would really throw a hairball into my plans.

Tener - Well, I'll forward your complaint to the Galactic Help Bureau.

Chester - No I don't think that will be necessary. You see, I'm going to vaporize you and convince your crew you are somewhere else, thereby delaying them until I can find a way to destroy them.

Tener - Why are you bothering to tell me all of this if you're just going to kill me?

Chester - Because no one else will listen! Now prepare to die!

Chester starts to raise his kitty phaser and fiddles with the setting.

Tener - What I wouldn't do for some Paramount miracles right about now.

Then, our of nowhere, twenty gray wolves materialize out of thin air.

Chester - HISS!

Wolves - BARK!

The dogs start chasing the cat around the place and some of Chester's guards come in to help him out. Tener takes the chaos as an opportunity to finish his book. Finally, some minutes later, the wolves and the guards are tired out so they call it a day and all go home. Chester walks back over to Tener.

Chester - Why didn't you try and escape that time?

Tener - Well, my ride's not here is it?

Chester gets mad and raises his phaser again.

Tener - You're aware you can't kill me, right?

Chester - I'm the one holding the phaser aren't I?

Tener - It's not sweeps week. You can't do anything to hurt me.

Chester - Blast! Foiled again! Oh well, no point wasting a perfectly good opportunity for some target practice.

Tener gulps and hopes that he hasn't screwed up his calender and forgotten when sweeps week actually was. As Chester hits his trigger and a beam shoots out, Tener is transported away in a Starfleet transporter beam.

Chester - KAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Kahn - Yes?

Chester - Two things: First, get my ship ready. Secondly, explain to me why you're _still_ alive! I thought I ordered you to get exploded some time ago!

Scene 10 - The Halfass is high-tailing it back to Vulcan...what's left of it anyway. All the senior officers except the medical staff are present on the bridge.

Righteous - ETA?

Center - Soon, sir. Stop asking.

Genocide - Hey, we've got company. There's a galaxy class starship on an intercept course.

Senseless - On screen.

Beep!

The view changes to show a galaxy class ship. It's a normal galaxy except that it's hull is black with red lines all over it, there are panther claw's on the front of each warp nacelle, and there's a big, fancy hood ornament at the front of the saucer.

Tener - Think maybe it's just a pleasure craft?

Genocide - Seeing as it's armed to the teeth and heavily defended, I'd say no.

Center - Not even the Celestial could stand up to something like that very well.

Baque - The Celestial couldn't stand up to a meteoroid very well.

Senseless - How long until they catch up with us?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Zero seconds.

Righteous - NOOOO! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!

Senseless - Helm, evasive manoeuvres.

Baque - What if I don't want to!

Senseless - Then–

Righteous - WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Senseless - I couldn't have said it better myself.

Baque - Um, if we can hold them off for another minute, I can drop us out of warp right around the vulcan sun and complete the time warp.

Greaser - Wasn't the vulcan sun destroyed?

Consoles explode around them, as the crew sit staring off into space with a dumbfounded look on their faces.

Senseless - Son of a bitch...

Righteous - REVERSE COURSE! PREPARE FOR WETTING, CURSING, AND BLUNDERS!

Baque - Aye, sir, setting course for Bajor.

Center - How the hell..?

The Halfass does an about turn and flies back the way it came, ten metres above the top of the pimped up galaxy class ship, breaking off the hood ornament.

Meanwhile, on the **O**rion **S**yndicate **S**hip Scratchingpost, as we now see it is named thanks to the nifty little subtitle at the bottom of the screen, Chester is yelling orders and getting really mad.

Chester - My god you idiots can't hit the broad side of a Terran elephant can you?

NoName #1 - Sorry, my lord. I won't miss again.

Chester kills NoName #1 simply because he is incompetent.

Chester - You're right, you won't. You there, helm guy, follow them, maximum warp.

NoName #2 - I can't, my lord, they've emitted a graviton burst. I can't enable a warp field.

Chester - Blast them and their superior Starfleet technical training! Where are they heading?

NoName #2 points off in a random direction.

NoName #2 - That way? I don't know. They're out of sensor range.

Chester then kills NoName #2 because he is also incompetent.

Chester - Competent help is so hard to find these days...

Flashy transitions

Scene 11 - The Halfass has arrived at Bajor. They are approaching DS9 to dock when they finally remember that it is still Terok Nor.

Baque - Um...They've given us clearance to dock.

Righteous - SACRILEGE! DESTROY THE EVIL CONQUEROR CARDIES!

Senseless - Sir, we're here to fix the time line, not take on a heavily fortified kilometre-in-diameter space station.

Genocide - Actually Terok Nor doesn't have much in the way of weaponry. We could probably take them easily.

Righteous - DEATH TO THE EVIL ONES!

Baque - OH, SHUT UP!

Clunk Hiss!

Center - Docking procedure complete.

Senseless - Alright now we get down to business. Genocide, fix up our weapons and make them better.

Genocide - With honour!

Senseless - Greaser, make sure all our repairs are complete.

Greaser - Yeah, yeah, throw all the work on the blue woman...

Senseless - Dr. Puker, we might need medical supplies. See to it.

Puker - Stoner will do it for me, won't ya?

Stoner - First Sarek dies and now _this_.

Senseless - Captain, go pretend you are a bajoran slave and get yourself killed.

Righteous - I'm good at being a bajoran!

Senseless - Bios, make the necessary time warp calculations. Make sure we have enough time to get to Vulcan to seal the temporal anomaly.

Bios - Shouldn't be too much of an impossible problem.

Senseless - That's all. Any questions?

Righteous - Yeah, how does my getting killed help us blow up the typhoonal aneurysm?

Senseless - It helps us do our jobs better.

Bios - I have one question: When were you thinking of telling us that you plan to bring that stinky, hairy targ onboard in order to use his unstable cellular structure to generate an inversely charged temporal anomaly?

Senseless - I thought you already knew about that.

Bios - Oh, maybe I did. Well, how do you hope to trap him?

Greaser - Simple. We just go about our business and he'll eventually show up.

Sure enough, as the work on the ship to get it ready for the impending battle with the OSS Scratchingpost and probably a half dozen cardassian ships, a buildup of tachyon particles begins to form on the Promenade of Terok Nor. It finally opens with a bang, and Binky the Mistreated Targ flies out at warp speeds, several Borg implants still inside him.

SMASH!

Quark - What in the name of the Grand Nagus is going on here! Rom! Get over here and help me with this broken counter.

Rom - YES, BROTHER!

They lift the debris off the counter and find Binky sitting there, drinking some canarr.

Quark - I hope you intend to pay for that.

Binky stops drinking and looks around. At the dabo wheel are three nasty looking cardassians, who appear to have drunk too much. Sitting next to him is Morn, who looks like he's about to start talking about his family for hours on end. Entering the room is Odo and a team of Bajoran security guards. Descending the stairs from the upper level is Gul Dukat, who looks like he is having a really bad day.

Binky - Whee!

Within seconds a bar fight has started, with the drunk cardassians beating up the security guards, Morn beating up Leeta (or being beat up by her, depending on the angle you view it at), Quark beating the stuffing out of Rom, who is beating the stuffing out of one of the Ferengi bartenders, who is beating the metamorphic fluid out of Odo, who is beating the living daylights out of Dukat. Binky is meanwhile being drug away by a hungry Cardasssian Vole.

Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Scene 12 - On the Promenade, Righteous, Baque, Greaser, and Tener start hearing all the commotion.

Greaser - Da hell?

Baque - Maybe it's that targ.

Tener - Not likely.

Baque - Actually the script says that it is Binky so we should probably go check it out.

Righteous - QUICK! TO THE CELESTMOBILE!

Greaser - The _WHAT?_

Tener - I can see where this is going...

Scene 13 - Quarks bar. The fight is still going on and the Vole is still dragging Binky around by the tail.

Quark - Rom! Get away from that cup!

Rom slams the cup down on Odo and compresses him into it. He then flips on a lid and seals the changeling inside.

Rom - Look, brother! I did something right for once!

All of a sudden the USS Halfass slams into the side of the Promenade, bursting through the wall and sending the front of the ship into Quarks bar. A door at the edge of the saucer opens and a Starfleet security force jumps out and instantly gets killed. Tener and Genocide follow.

Genocide - There it is! Go get the targ while I fend off these intruders.

Tener - Actually sir, we're the intruders here.

Genocide - Don't question my orders!

Tener kills the Vole, Morn, Quark, Rom, Nog, Leeta, Odo in his cup, Dukat, the Cardassians, the Bajoran security officers, and everyone else in the room as he tries to capture Binky. He finally gets him and the two officers go back into the ship and close the door.

On the bridge, Genocide gets out of the lift and joins Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Puker, Stoner, Baque, Center and anyone else I forgot to mention.

Genocide - Got him! I threw him into that weird contraption you rigged up Bios.

Bios - It's a temporal containment field!

Genocide - My report is calling it a weird contraption.

Baque - Mine too.

Bios - You people have no respect for the arts anymore.

Center - We've got company! Cardassian warships off the port aft.

Genocide - On it.

The Halfass swings around to face the Galor Class ships and fires its new weapons, which happen to be those weird powerful Romulan torpedo's that can take down the forward shields in a single volley. As Genocide fires, the force blows the ship backward and everyone smashes their heads on their consoles, or, in Righteous' case, flies forward and slams into the viewscreen.

Righteous - Pah Wraith's damn it!

Senseless - What was that?

Genocide - We've punched through their lines. Permission to finish them off, sir?

Senseless - No. Lieutenant Baque, set a course for the Bajoran sun, full impulse.

Ten hours later, the Halfass approaches the Bajoran sun and prepares to go to warp speed.

Bios - Coordinates set, awaiting fly boy to send up into warp.

Baque - Don't you start too.

Genocide - Ah come on! I wanna finish them off!

Senseless - No. Toc, engage.

Righteous - Yay! Soon I'll be able get back to worshipping the Prophets!

Greaser - All stop! Damn it!

Senseless - We'll deal with that problem when it arises.

Greaser - It has arisen, commander!

Baque - Time warp in 47, 46, 45, 44,...

Genocide - Whatever happened to the good old ten second countdown.

Baque - 40, 39, 38, 37, 36...

Bios - Got any queens?

Stoner - Go fish.

Baque - 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26,...

Senseless - Hey, they're right, War and Peace _was _a long book.

Baque - 22, 21, 20, 19, 18...

Puker - See? What did I tell you? You've got heart murmurs.

Tener - If anything it's from all your operations on me the last few years.

Baque - 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2–

Genocide - (Snore)ZZZZZZZZZ–Huh? What?

Baque - Zero!

Flash! Paramount transfers all the money from their reality shows to the FX department and a bunch of fancy crap happens, resulting in the Halfass being the Halfass being thrown two millennia into the past.

Senseless - Report!

Bios - It worked! We're at the right time.

Righteous - The Celestial Temple?

Bios - In one piece, captain.

Genocide - Not for long..heh heh heh.

Senseless - LIEUTENANT-COMMANDER!

Genocide -...Sorry...

Center - OH SHIZA! Something's decloaking off the port bow!

Senseless - Identify it.

Beep! A channel opens and Chester appears on the viewscreen.

Chester - Thought you could get away from me did you?

Senseless - How did you...?

Chester - Brilliant really. I figured that the only time period you would be going to is this one, in order to destroy the temporal anomaly, thereby preventing your past selves from moving into the past and screwing everything up. I was able to also use time warp to follow you and I intend to not only destroy you, but modify the course of history to suit my purposes even better than they've already been served. Does that answer your question?

Senseless - Actually I was wondering how you were able to hack into our communications system.

Chester - Figures. Prepare for battle!

Genocide - PREPARED!

Chester - ...WTF mite?

Genocide - You said "Prepare for battle!" so I prepared for battle. Phasers, disruptors, shields, and manoeuvring thrusters all online.

Chester - It was more of a figure of speech, not a command.

Genocide (Shrugs) - Whatever.

The battle commences with the Halfass throwing everything it has at the Scratchingpost. On Chester's ship...

Henchman #3 - Sir, a lightbulb has exploded on deck 8.

Chester - Return fire! No one messes up my ship but me...

With that he spills one of his Henchman's blood all over the carpet.

Chester - Life is just.

On the bridge of the Halfass...

Genocide - Direct hit to our forward weapons array. It's offline.

Righteous - Ooh! Ooh! Shoot them halfway between the engineering hull and the saucer, in the neck!

Genocide - What?

Righteous - I saw it in a comic book once.

Genocide - Worth a try.

Genocide fires a torpedo right at the photon launcher on the OSS Scratchingpost, destroying the torpedo magazine.

On the ship's bridge...

Chester - NO! How did this happen!

Henchman #3 - They were better than us?

Chester kills Henchman #3 a few seconds before his ship explodes in a ball of fire, littering it's debris all over the bajoran system. On the Halfass...

Bios - If we head for Vulcan now, we're still cutting it pretty close.

Senseless - Helm, set course for Vulcan, maximum warp.

The Halfass spins around and high tails it out of the system.

Bios - We aren't going to make it. We need more speed!

Greaser - Diverting warp power to the engines.

Bios - Idiot! No change in our speed!

Greaser - Oh yeah... Well, let's try some life support.

Center - Life support on decks 2 through whatever number this ship has has gone offline.

Bios - If we can keep up this speed, we'll just make it in time.

Center - We're breaking up!

Sure enough, hull plates are tearing off the ship as the Halfass barrels across the Quadrant.

Genocide - Ahhhh, there goes those new and improved weapons.

Baque - Almost there. Travelling at warp 9.0...9.01...9.02. We can't get any faster.

Bios - I'll go get Binky.

Senseless - Load him right into the torpedo tube.

Righteous - Now what?

Senseless - Now we wait...

Scene 14 - The Halfass drops out of warp near Vulcan.

Senseless - Are we too late?

Bios - We're too late...the asteroid has already crashed into Vulcan. Damn. I was really looking forward to seeing all those vulcans run amok and get killed by falling rock.

Stoner - HEY!

Righteous - What about the theoretic apple pie?

Bios - Oh it's opening in about ten seconds.

Baque - Ten, Nine, eight–

Genocide - Fly boy?

Baque - Yes sir?

Genocide - Shut up.

Baque - Yes sir.

Greaser - Targ torpedo is armed.

Scene jumps to a picture of Binky with a Starfleet bomb arming mechanism attached to him.

Scene is back on the Bridge.

Senseless - Target the temporal anomaly.

Genocide - Targeted.

Dramatic pause.

Righteous - FLAME!

Genocide - What?

Senseless - He means fire.

Genocide - Oh. Firing.

Binky flies out of the torpedo tube at Mach 7 and slams into the temporal anomaly, which creates a tachyon surge, opening an inversely charged temporal portal, sending Binky through time and closing the big, annoying temporal anomaly just as the Halfass from the past (actually it's in the future but you get the idea) is entering it. Both are instantly wiped from the face of the galaxy.

Senseless - Finally. Set a course for the 24th century, maximum warp.

They all slingshot around the vulcan sun and end up back where they started, in 2381.

Senseless - Activate the viewscreen.

The viewscreen shows several federation starships. All of a sudden they start firing antimatter fireworks...at the Halfass...no, not really.

Senseless - What the?

Center - We're being hailed. Split screen.

Righteous - Oh goodie question and answer time!

Beep!

Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are sitting on their respective bridges of the USS Litterbox and the USS Asskicker.

Nelix - Welcome back morons!

Righteous - What's this? A welcome home ceremony?

Spot - No it's a "Congratulations you didn't totally screw up the time line" party.

Righteous - How could you know about all that?

Spot - The Bureau for Temporal Investigations or whatever it's called informed us that your ship had entered a temporal anomaly. We assumed the worst, of course.

Senseless - Well, I think we did OK, for a bunch of brain dead zombies.

Spot - My thoughts exactly. We're so impressed–

Nelix - I'm not–

Spot - --That we decided to give you a better ship.

Genocide - Oh, gee, what's this one going to be? A Type 1 shuttle? That _would_ be an improvement.

Spot - Heh heh heh No. Set a course for Earth Spacedock. Litterbox and Asskicker out.

Beep!

Senseless - Well guys? Any bets?

Baque - Excelsior class probably.

Greaser - I'm betting Miranda class.

Bios - I'm hoping for an Akira.

Center - Maybe it's just a better Sabre class ship.

Senseless - Well we won't know till we get there. Mr. Baque, set a course for Earth. Warp 6.

Scene 15 - They enter Earth space dock and see a shiny, brand spanking new starship waiting for them...

Senseless - It looks quite familiar...

Greaser - How is _this_ going to be an improvement?

Righteous - Ooh pretty!

Genocide - Who the hell painted the phaser emitters purple?

Baque - Looks fast though...

Bios - ...oh yeah...

The camera pans out and around the ship, showing a great big Opaka Class vessel sitting in front of them. On it's hull is painted USS Celestial, NCC - 80164.

Righteous - How did our registry number go _down_?

Senseless - This one looks finished. That means it should run a lot better than the old one.

Tener - I hope it's got that new ship smell to it.

Genocide - I can't see Starfleet Command sending us into battle now. That ship is worth so much latinum and probably cost an arm and a leg off every person on Earth to build it.

Senseless - Begin docking procedures.

Center - We're being hailed by the USS Litterbox. She just dropped out of warp.

Beep!

Spot - Ah, you're already here. Good. Like the new ship?

Righteous - Yeah it's great!

Spot - I thought so. Now, whatever you do, don't beat the crap out of it. It's the newest ship in the fleet so it's kinda our latest technology. I'm not telling you to treat it like a kitten, just try not to—

_**C R U N C H !**_

Spot - **SON OF A BITCH! DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!**

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Protect only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	8. Celestial 8

Star Trek: Celestial #8: Dawn of the Speds

By Swordtail

Started August 21st, 2005.

Scene 1 - Briefing room. The lights are dimmed and the crew are filing in like zombies, still wearing their pajamas.

Greaser - This had BETTER be good.

Baque - What idiot holds a staff briefing in the middle of the night?

Senseless - Someone with a lot more time on his hands then us.

Righteous jumps in through the back door of the room.

Righteous - Good morning everyone!

Genocide - It's not going to be a very good morning for you, pal.

Righteous - I bet you are all wondering why you're all here at his lovely time of day.

Tener - The question did occur, yes.

Righteous - First, you can't deny that it's really fun to get up late and go look at the stars. Look at the number of them you can see!

They look out the windows and see the same number of stars they always see.

Bios - Is it my imagination or is he getting dumber?

Puker - Want me to declare him unfit for duty?

Stoner - That would be logical.

Center - Sir, as much as I don't mind it when you do things like this and in fact I think it's a great idea, what's the real reason we're here?

Righteous' mood suddenly turns sombre and he looks slowly around the room.

Righteous - Computer, deactivate all power to surveillance on deck 1. Lock the doors to the briefing room.

Senseless - Ok this is weird.

Greaser - What's going on?

Righteous - Ladies and gentlemen, we're going on a treasure hunt.

Opening credits. It's back to using the USS Celestial

Scene 2 - Still in the briefing room.

Senseless - What? Treasure? We're not pirates you know.

Righteous - I know. It came to me in a dream...

Genocide - I hope you also foresaw your own death.

Righteous - The Prophets sent me a vision.

Baque - Again with the Prophets...

Righteous - Remember a few weeks ago when those weird zombie's took over the ship?

Senseless - Who could forget.

Tener - What?

Righteous - And do you all remember that when they left, for no apparent reason, they took the ship's treasury with them?

Senseless - I don't like where this is going.

Righteous - That's 100 bars of gold pressed latinum that we now don't have to our names. We're going to go get it back.

Puker - Yep, he's officially gone nuts.

Genocide - As much as I love a good battle, aren't we being a little insane by deliberately seeking out a force that tried to assimilate half our crew?

Senseless - Sir, it's suicide!

Genocide - I had a cousin named Suicide. Emphasis on _had_.

Righteous - Look, the Prophets sent me a vision of us getting a whack of latinum from an impossible source. I don't intend to let them down by sitting on my ass for a whole episode. That's almost a week you know.

Stoner - Didn't Starfleet give us another latinum stash when we got the new Celestial?

Righteous - They did. If we get back those 100 bars from the zombies, we can spend it all.

The crew sit up straight and start paying attention.

Bios - ...We're listening.

Tener - That's ten bars each. Wow...

Senseless - Where do we start looking. That zombie ship could be anywhere.

Greaser - You'd think it would head somewhere that it could convert more people. Somewhere where there's little resistance. Somewhere like a prison.

Genocide - Obviously not anywhere in the Federation then. Our prisons have spas and swim-up bars in the pools.

Senseless - Where's the nearest large prison complex.

Baque - We can be to the dilithium mines of Rura Pentae in less than two days at warp 9.

Righteous - Make it so. Genocide, I want ways to disable that ship. You and Tener work on them. Greaser, better warp capability. I don't know what that means but get on it. Everyone else just sit tight and make up your wish lists. Dismissed

The all get up and head for the doors, which don't open.

Righteous - Oh yeah, hehe, computer unlock the doors.

Nothing happens.

Righteous - Computer?

Bios - When you said "deactivate all surveillance equipment on deck 1, did that include the computer's microphones?

Righteous - Ok, this could be a problem...

Scene 3 - Sickbay. Lieutenant Bios and Dr. Puker are standing over a console, examining the scans they took of one of the zombie corpses recovered after the initial raid on the first Celestial.

Bios - Does Lieutenant Tener know these are the same mutants that attacked us in the first place?

Puker - Oh probably not, but let's not tell him. That way, it'll be funnier when he finds out.

Bios - Ah huh...Do you see this? Is it some kind of virus?

Puker - Not one I've ever seen. It's got more DNA fluctuations than an 8472 on crack.

Bios - Could that be responsible for the zombie like behaviour?

Puker - Maybe. It is possible that the virus would exterminate the life of it's host, then proceed to take over the cerebral cortex, absorbing oxygen or whatever it breathes directly through the disintegrating epidermis, and subsequently supplying the muscles with the substances they need to operate.

Bios - In English?

Puker - It is capable of raising the dead.

Bios - That's a bad thing.

Puker - Yeah.

Stoner enters the room.

Stoner - I doubt we can come up with a vaccine for the virus. Anyone that is bitten will be infected.

Bios - Why don't we just wear helmets?

Stoner - That would hardly stop them from biting us.

Bios - I thought the only way you could become infected is through a bite into the brain?

Puker - Such damage speeds up the mutation, but it isn't the only way.

Bios - Stupid rules. I say we just whip in with phaser rifles set on full power.

Stoner - That could work.

Bios - So you are _sure _there's no way to stop the infection once it has entered the body?

Puker - None that I'm motivated enough to figure out. Being a doctor is hard work, Lieutenant, I'd like to see you try it some time.

Bios - Great, the commander is going to have a fit. Just think doc, our chances of getting all the latinum back would be greatly increased if we had a vaccine for the virus.

Bios leaves the room.

Puker - Nurse, get me a medical tricorder, a pot of coffee, and every bloody sample we have of that virus.

Scene 4 - Messhall. Early morning hours. Baque and Greaser walk up to a replicator.

Baque - This time _I'll_ buy. We're getting something a little more basic. Computer, two cups of very hot coffee.

Computer - Unable to comply. Caffeine patterns are only available through a registered copy of CelestOS two point oh.

Greaser starts shaking the replicator as hard as she can.

Greaser - WHATDOYA MEAN THERE'S NO CAFFEINE!

Senseless walks in, sees Lieutenant-Commander Greaser smacking the replicator console as hard as she can, and walks right back out.

Greaser - It's going to be one of those days again.

Baque - One of what kind of days?

Greaser - The kind of day where the doc is up to his ears in casualties.

In another part of the room, Bios and Tener and Genocide are watching two no-names play some weird game with a 3d holographic display and hand controls.

Genocide - I don't see the point of this game. Nothing blows up, no one dies, and it doesn't involve shooting.

Bios - I bet I could hack that game and figure out some cheats...and maybe make some mods that allow for explosions. Making them non-real might be tricky though.

Tener - You guys are missing the point here! It's tonnes of fun! It's fun because it _doesn't_ involve guns or tunnelling subroutines!

NoName #1 - Ha ha ha! Take THAT! And THAT! And This thing over here!

NoName #2 - Err...In case you haven't realized, _I'm _winning.

NoName #1 - That's what YOU think!

Genocide - This is boring. We need to spruce it up a little.

Genocide pulls out a phaser and sets it to full power.

Genocide - Ok boys, loser dies.

NoName #1 and 2 - (gulp)!

They start playing like the never played before, seriously sweating and panting like they are running a marathon.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Tener - A tie. Wow.

Bios - They both win! This sucks!

Genocide - On the other hand, they both lost too.

He then kills NoName's #1 and #2.

Genocide - Now THAT'S what I call...I can't think of what I call it, but when it comes to me I'll tell you.

He sets his phaser on overload and tosses it over his shoulder, where it lands on a table surrounded by four crewmen.

Genocide - All this killing has made me want to kill something. I'm going to the holodeck.

He leaves, and the table with the four NoNames explodes.

Scene 5 - A couple days later on the bridge. Baque, Center, Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, and Bios are present.

Baque - Well we're finally here. Rura Pentae off the port bow.

Senseless - Take us into orbit. Go to yellow alert.

Center - Did anyone ask the Klingons for permission to do some scans of their mining and prison planet?

Righteous - What the klingons don't know won't hurt them.

Center - We're being hailed by the planet.

Baque - There goes the neighbourhood.

Senseless - On screen.

Beep!

Klingon #1 - Identify yourself.

Senseless - We are the USS Celestial. We're here on a mission to recover something that we lost.

Klingon #1 - Identify yourself.

Senseless - ...We just did.

Klingon #1 - Your ship will be fined if you continue to use the parking orbit you are using. Move to a higher orbit or face a minor inconvenience in the form of a small fine.

Righteous - Can we just get our latinum and go?

Klingon #1 - Show more respect or you'll be paying half that latinum in damages to your ship. Leave orbit now, or die. Have an honourable day.

Beep!

Center - They've cut communications with us sir.

Righteous - Whatever happened to the days when klingons were as cozy and friendly as kittens?

Baque - The klingons decided to be mean ever since you came into being.

Righteous - Let's talk to Chancellor Martok. He owes us a few favours.

Bios - Sir, no he doesn't.

Righteous - How bout Gowron?

Bios - He's dead sir.

Righteous - How come I wasn't informed?

Bios - You probably were.

Righteous - ...I'm not getting all of my memos!

Senseless - Could we take long range scans of the planet?

Bios - I doubt we'd find what we're looking for at that low a resolution.

Senseless - Guess we'll have to try the non-sneaky approaches. Ensign, hail Klingon #1.

Center - He's responding.

Klingon #1 - Identify yourselves!

Senseless - Us again. We were wondering if you've seen anything strange lately.

The klingon looks at them funny.

Klingon #1 - Define strange. Three days ago a targ was found in one of the dilithium moving carts, yesterday 47 workers started dancing the macarena for no reason, and haven't stopped yet, we had a massive outbreak of chicken pox last night, and I can't find my bat'leth!

Senseless - Well actually we were wondering–

Righteous (quickly) - A month ago we encountered a broken up old Galaxy class ship that was filled with radioactive mutant zombie movie extras that tried to take over our ship. With the help of the USS Saratoga, we managed to return to Earth in order to hunt down the zombie leader. An admiral from Starfleet command told us to screw off and wouldn't give us the non-existent hazard team from Star Trek: Elite Force. We were just about to sign off for the week and run the plot line into the next episode when a NoName from the bridge told us that the zombies had left, and that they had taken our 100 bars of gold pressed latinum from the ships treasury, you know, the stuff we use to make trade with new species. Anyway we need it back so we can all go on spending sprees and get new bajoran robes and candles. The leftover from my share I'm going to give to flood relief in the Dahar province. My social insurance number is 957329502345-03, and I am 35 years old. I like the Prophets, large snacks, and praying. Bachelorette #1, what would you do if you were in the Bajoran system?

The klingon and the rest of the bridge crew stare at him for almost a minute.

Klingon #1 - Fine, do what you want, you're giving me a headache.

Beep! The viewscreen goes back to the star field screensaver.

Center - He has cut communications with us sir.

Genocide - Gee thanks for the tidbit, I never would have guessed.

Righteous - Did he say we could look around?

Baque - I say we take all their fuel, dilithium, and antimatter and go joy-riding around the quadrant.

Righteous - All in good time. First, have Lieutenant Tener, Dr. Puker, and Lieutenant Bios form an away team and go away.

Bios - OK.

She leaves the room.

Righteous - I'm going to go pray for latinum and the joy it will bring to our otherwise dreary lives. Remember everyone, money can't buy happiness, but poverty certainly doesn't either.

Righteous leaves.

Genocide - Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fire a hand phaser at the shuttlecraft.

Genocide leaves

Center - I have to go call my parents.

Center leaves.

Senseless - I'm going to oversee the repair of those damaged gel packs on deck 4. Can't be too careful with Greaser on the job.

Senseless leaves.

NoName #3 - Seeing as I'm the first NoName mentioned that hasn't died yet, I'll probably end up going on the away mission. I'd better go get my Twinrex vaccination.

NoName #3 leaves.

Baque - Ah not again!

Scene 6 - Transporter room 3. Puker, Bios, and Tener are watching two NoNames attempt to fasten their backpacks on themselves.

Tener - Hurry up guys we don't have all day.

Puker - We don't? Could have fooled me.

Bios - I've set the transporter coordinates to just outside the mining complex. We don't want to beam into solid rock now do we?

Tener - Has that _ever_ happened before?

Bios - There's a first time for everything.

They all get on the transporter pad as the platform energizes. The two NoNames give say "good luck" to each other as the away team is beamed away.

They materialize in the frozen wasteland known as Rura Pentae.

Bios - Is everyone here? I only count four people.

Tener - Over there.

One of the NoNames has materialized inside a large boulder, leaving only his head sticking out.

Tener - Well, after years of worrying we finally beamed someone into solid rock. Congratulations everyone.

They all take out their water packs and toast the occasion.

NoName #3 - Um, guys? I'm still alive here! I'm just _encased_ in solid rock.

Puker - Oh thank God. For a while I was dreading filling out _another_ death report.

They head off toward the entrance to the mining complex.

NoName #3 - GUYS!

Bios - Simple combination lock computing system. Easy to break the code.

She takes a hammer and smashes the control panel. The door opens. They all step into a large elevator.

Bios - Going up...

Tener - We need to go down.

Bios - Right, right, details.

The elevator drops a few kilometres and stops at the top of the lower levels. As they step out they are not prepared for what they find.

(Collective gasp!)

Bios - They're all zombies!

Tener - Well, forced labourers usually are, but still...

Puker - Ah I KNEW I'd be up to my knees in the dead today, but I didn't think it would be like this!

For laying before them is a large cavern, walls lined with dilithium ore, and being feverishly worked upon by non other than the radioactive mutant zombie NoNames from that planet near Cardassia!

Bios - Holy Pentium 5's, Doctor!

Puker - Ok, maybe the Klingons's trained them? All I know is that the tricorder is detecting a mass of latinum through this cloud of radiation.

Tener - Ok, phasers on full power. That's the only thing that will stop them. That and a round of TurboLax Surprise, but I strongly doubt the Klingon food processors will make _that_.

They start walking through the weird reddish mist as the zombies look up at them and make dumb noises.

Tener - Doctor, did you bring any anti-radiation medication?

Puker - Nah, anti-rad drugs are for wussies. Take the subatomic breakdown of your cellular structure like a man and stop complaining.

Bios - Thankfully my species is impervious to most forms of radiation.

Tener - Really? I didn't know that.

Bios - Neither did I, but I'm seeing if there's anything to this mind over matter business.

They end up at the far end of the room, looking at a small wooden door.

Tener - Some security system this is, even the system on the Celestial is in better condition.

They pull open the door, which results in all the zombies stopping work and starting to walk towards them.

Puker - Ah shit!

They run in and slam the door shut. However, it is old and pathetic and the hinges break and it falls with a crash, smacking the remaining NoName in the head and doing severe brain damage. The senior officers look around and see tonnes of latinum in crates before them.

Tener - Dear diary: Jackpot!

Bios - Holy submersible pencils! There's over 100,000 bars here!

Puker - Away team to Celestial.

Righteous - Celestial here. Did you find the latinum?

Puker - Yeah...in a manner of speaking. Lock on to everything in this room and beam it to cargo bay one.

Righteous - Okey Dokey! Energizing!

Bzzzzzzzzzt! (And in the nick of time too, considering there were three zombies about to enter the room.

Scene 7 - Bridge. Puker, Tener, and Bios walk onto deck 1 where the rest of the senior staff are already at.

Senseless - How did it go?

Puker - Hmmm...How can I communicate my feelings in a manner that best describes them...Let's try...:WE'RE FING RICH!

Senseless - What?

Bios - We found over 100,000 bars of gold pressed latinum in there! That's 10,000 bars each!

Righteous - Anyone who still doesn't believe in the Prophets smiling down upon us please leave the room!

Baque - Remind me to become Bajoran.

Genocide - Remind me to further stabilize the wormhole.

Righteous - Remind me how the zombie's got all this latinum here again?

Center - There's a ship raising from the surface. It's the zombie ship!

Senseless - Red alert! All hands to battle stations! Mr. Baque, get us our of here, maximum warp!

Baque - I'm sick and tired of–

Righteous - DO IT, LIEUTENANT, OUR FORTUNE IS AT STAKE!

The Celestial whips around and goes to high warp.

Scene 8 - Cargo bay 1. Two NoNames walk in and begin surveying the stockpile of mulah.

NoName #4 - So here's the deal: Any more than 100,000 bars and we keep the excess.

NoName #5 - Got it.

Clunk!

NoName #5 - What was that?

NoName #4 - Don't know. HEY! IS ANYONE IN HERE?

Clunk, scrape!

NoName #5 - Sounds like we have a bogy.

NoName #4 - It's coming from over there.

The two yellow shirts walk through the rows of crates and round a corner, and see something that makes them go:

NoName #4 and #5 - AHHHHHHHH!

Scene 9 - Main engineering. Greaser is bitching orders at her subordinates

Greaser - STAY AT YOUR POST! I DON'T CARE ABOUT GHOSTS IN THE CONSOLE! YOU! GET AWAY FROM THAT! NO, IT'S GOT ANOTHER THOUSAND LIGHT-YEARS LEFT IN IT! I DON'T _CARE_ IF YOU SEE MICRO-FRACTURES IN THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS, LEAVE THEM IN THERE! HEY, YOU! I TOLD YOU TO GET BACK TO YOUR POST! THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS GHOSTS IN INTERSTELLAR SPACE!

NoName #6 - ZOMBIE!

Greaser - There's also no such thing as – Oh, yeah, there is, isn't there.

They look to where NoName #6 is pointing and see two zombified crewmen walking into the room.

Zombies - Urgg!

Greaser - Ah son of a bitch!

The NoNames grab phasers are fight off the zombies (well, they try anyway). Greaser makes an exit through the door on the opposite side of the room.

Scene 10 - Briefing room. Righteous is having a tea party with Center and some bajoran NoNames. All of a sudden the ship shakes, sending all the tea cups and pots crashing and smashing to the floor.

Righteous - Prophets damn it! Every time I have a tea party in a scene I end up being interrupted!

Center - Sir? This is the first time you've had a tea party. Ever.

The rest of the senior staff waltz into the briefing room.

Genocide - Out of our seats!

Genocide takes his phaser and vaporizes all the NoNames. The rest of the senior staff take their seats.

Senseless - We probably shouldn't be having this meeting here, but it costs too much to make extra scenes so we just decided to have our meeting here instead of at our battle stations. First of all, what's our heading?

Baque - I'm taking us all to Ferenginar for a shopping spree!

Genocide - Alright! New weapons!

Bios - Alright! New computer junk!

Greaser - Alright! New hair care products!

Senseless slaps himself in the forehead.

Righteous - So what was that shaking that ruined my tea party?

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET CALLED RURA PENTAE!(gasps for air)

Righteous - AHHH!

Righteous throws himself into the air and lands with a thud between his chair and the table.

Senseless - We're getting reports that a zombie may have stowed away on the transporter beam and may be running amok through the ship, converting every NoName he finds.

Puker (turns to the camera) - Because we all know that the yellow shirts of the TNG era can't protect themselves worth shit.

Righteous - AHHH!

The idiot captain tried to sit up really fast and bangs his head on the bottom of the table.

Senseless - Genocide, Tener, I want you to seal off every deck below deck 13 with self-powered force fields, automatic phaser turrets, and quick-fix bulkheads. Then, Ensign Center, use the transporters to lock on to anything that has the viral pattern that Dr. Puker and Ensign Stoner found and beam it into space. Far into space, not off the port bow. Baque, start learning some new evasive and attack patterns so when we come up against that zombie ship we're ready. Bios, start scanning the area for anything we can use to our advantage. Ok, who am I forgetting?

Righteous - What do I do, sir– Hey! Aren't I the captain?

Senseless - Yes sir you are.

Righteous - Then I think I should come up with the plans around here.

Senseless - OK, what do _you_ purpose we do?

Long pause.

Righteous - Everyone do what Commander Senseless said. Dismissed.

Everyone leaves. Righteous puts his fist to his forehead and starts thinking really hard.

Scene 11 - Bridge. Bridge officers present. Outside the Celestial the Galaxy Class Zombie ship approaches slowly. They will be in weapons range in 3 minutes.

Center - The zombie ship will be in weapons range in three minutes, sir.

Senseless - OK sir, what's your plan?

Righteous - It's so brilliant it confused even myself.

Genocide - Ok, it sucks then.

Righteous - Here's the deal: While hiding behind this asteroid here, we will fire a probe modified to emit a Starfleet warp signature (the Celestial's) to get the zombie's attention. As then turn to intercept it, we will arch the probe back toward the nebula here. Once the zombie ship is inside, we will fire phasers at the mirror I had placed on that moon over there. It will reflect off the moon and hit the zombie ship squarely in the bow. They will naturally increase power to their forward shields and drop power to their aft shields. When they increase speed to intercept the mirror on the moon, thinking we are nearby, we will move out from behind the asteroid, sweep in behind them, and fire a tricobalt torpedo directly into their venerable stardrive section. This will be followed by four quantum torpedos fired directly into their warp nacelles. This barrage combined with our phasers targetting their aft torpedo launchers, should disable them quickly. We can then use the anti-virus medicine thingy that the doctor made up which is sitting on a transporter pad in transporter room 2. The virus will eliminate all the zombie's on the zombie ship and then we can go on our merry way to Ferenginar to buy religious stuff. Mr. Center, launch probe.

Center - AYE AYE SIR! Probe launched! Excellent plan by the way.

Baque - There's just three problems with it, Captain.

Righteous - Oh?

Baque - First, the phasers are beams of phased protons, and they won't reflect off that stupid mirror you put there. Secondly, the doctor hasn't been able to make an anti-virus. If he had, I doubt we would have had to deal with the zombie problem on our ship in the way we did. And thirdly, you are a complete idiot and any plan you come up with will surely backfire.

Righteous - Oh don't be silly. See? The zombie ship is following the probe. Mr. Genocide, fire phasers. Full power.

Genocide - Gotcha.

The Celestial fires it's forward phasers at the mirror on the moon. However, seeing as it's not light, the mirror vaporises and the phasers drill into the unstable mantle of the moon.

Bios - Gah! The moon is about to explode! Cease fire! Cease fire!

Center - Too late!.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks!

Bios - The explosion has ignited some weird explosive gas in the nebula! SHE'S GONNA BLOWWWW!

Senseless - Toc, get us out of here! Warp 1!

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

The Celestial jumps to warp a little too late and the shockwave hits them, knocking them all out in a fade of white.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the nebula, the USS Saratoga is leading a task-force that is about to cross into Breen space. On the Saratoga's bridge...

Lieutenant Scratcher - OPS REPORTING SIR! THERE IS A LEVEL 6 SHOCKWAVE APPROACHING OUR LOCATION SIR!

Captain Farfetched - What jackass is responsible for this!

Commander Shelby - Shields to maximum!

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Raising shields, ma'am.

Farfetched - NoName Helmsman, turn us into the wave front! All hands brace for pain!

SMASH!

Scene 12 - Bridge of the Celestial. There are fires everywhere, exploding consoles, fallen ceiling beams, and dying crewmen.

Righteous - Ouch.

Senseless - Damage report!

Center - Warp drive is offline, port impulse engine destroyed. We have hull breaches on decks 5 through 8, main power is at 50, shields and weapons are offline, cappuccino machine is offline–

Scene jumps to Main Engineering, where Greaser is violently shaking a NoName engineer.

Greaser - WHATDOYA MEAN THERE'S NO CAFFEINE!

Scene jumps back to the bridge.

Center - --Sensors are broken, air circulation system is busted, main computer is kaput, primary deflector is screwed, and the ODN lines are shot.

Genocide quickly hides his phaser behind his back.

Genocide - Oops.

Senseless - Send out a distress signal. What about the zombie ship?

Bios - They were closer to the focal point of the blast and had weaker shields and almost no structural integrity. It is unlikely they survived.

Righteous - Yay.

Center - Wait! I'm receiving a distress signal from the other side of where the nebula used to be. It's from the USS Saratoga.

Senseless - Put it through.

Captain Farfetched appears on the main viewer. However, the viewscreen shorts out and the image disappears.

Righteous - Quick! Auxiliary viewer!

An LCD projector pops down from the ceiling and projects the image on the dead viewscreen.

Farfetched - This is the USS Saratoga requesting assistance from any non-jackassed Starfleet vessel in range. Our task force has been heavily damaged by an explosion of a nearby nebula.

The Celestial's crew look around at each other.

Senseless - So, ummm, sir...?

Righteous - These uniforms are kinda itchy.

Center - We're the least damaged ship in the area. It's out job to contact Starfleet Command.

Senseless - Hail HQ. I sure as hell hope we don't end up talking with–

Beep!

Admiral Spot - Now what have you idiots done?

Senseless - Blew up a nebula and decimated a small task force under the command of the Saratoga.

Spot - Figures. I assume you damaged yourself as well? You usually do.

Righteous - Oh yes but don't worry. We recently came across a large sum of latinum which we intent to put toward repairs.

Baque - Well, that should leave us still with more than enough.

Spot - Latinum? Where did you get latinum?

Righteous - We went looking for our missing stash and found over 100,000 bars in the hands of the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia!

Spot - Really...?

Righteous - Yeah great isn't it?

Spot - Report to Starbase 146 as soon as you fix your engines. Your riches will be put toward fixing the ships you broke. By the way, I hope you at least accomplished _something_ useful today.

Senseless - We managed to neutralize the zombie threat. We shouldn't hear from them in a while.

Spot - Good. Now, I still can't figure out why your ship was not given any orders this week in the first place, but make no mistake, it won't happen again as long as I have a say in it. Now, get to Starbase 146 and stop on it...morons...

Beep! The LCD projector explodes.

Puker, Stoner, and Greaser walk onto the bridge just in time to get in some final words in this episode.

Puker - So...let me guess...we lost all our latinum didn't we?

Righteous - I blame the Pah Wraiths.

Baque - I blame you.

Genocide - So that means no new weapons.

Bios - No new computer junk...

Greaser - No new hair care products. Oh well, no lose there, ha ha.

Senseless - Somehow, I doubt we've seen the last of these stupid, smelly, annoying, no good, literally rotten, half-brained, idiotic, zombie like radioactive scum buckets from that waste pool we call Cardassia Prime.

Center - I'm sure gonna miss all that money.

Stoner - Yes, I believe it would be logical to at this time blurt out: DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

THE END

USS Celestial

NCC - 80164

Ninth Fleet

"Fight for only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around"

I know this one is a bit shorter than the others, but give me a break, Okay?


	9. Celestial 9

Celestial 9 - The Day All Hell Broke Loose

By Swordtail

Started September 10th, 2005.

Finished September 25th, 2005.

* * *

Scene 1 - Bridge of the Celestial. Baque, Center, and Genocide are present. Genocide is playing a harmonica.

Baque - My God I'm bored. Is anything exciting happening or about to happen?

Center - We just hit a meteoroid the size of a marble...

Baque - Oh fun.

Center - ...But it was redirected harmlessly by the deflector field.

Baque - Figures.

Genocide - (stops playing the music to "Star Trek: First Contact") Hey wouldn't it be cool if someone died?

Baque - Yeah it would be great.

Center - Err...I don't like where this is going.

Genocide takes his phaser and shoots the science console, which explodes due to an already existing short-circuit.

Genocide - Bridge to Engineering, send a damage control team up here immediately.

A few seconds later three yellow-shirts run onto the bridge carrying tool kits.

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!

Baque - Hahaha.

Genocide - (snickering) Bridge to sickbay, send a medical team up here on the double.

A few seconds later, three blue-shirts run onto the bridge carrying med kits.

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!

Baque is now rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off, Genocide is blowing the smoke away from the tip of his phaser, and Center is trying to ignore what's going on so he doesn't get in trouble.

Genocide - (laughing) Bridge to environmental service people, cleanup on deck 1.

Three more yellow-shirts run onto the bridge carrying mops and buckets and, well, you know the rest.

Genocide - Haha gray shift has never been so fun.

Baque - That's because gray shift has never been fun before.

Genocide - Ooh let's call up the captain next!

All of a sudden, the viewscreen flips to channel 8 where a really pissed off looking Admiral Nelix is glaring back at the three officers.

Nelix - Good morning fkers!

Genocide, Baque, Center - AHHH!

Genocide fumbles his phaser, accidentally sets it on over load, and tosses it into the ready room. Center stands up really fast and smashes his skull on the overhead display console, and Baque hits some buttons and the ship spins sideways whilst at warp and a big crack forms in the side of the hull, sucking out some NoNames.

Nelix - What are you asswipes doing!

Genocide - Nothing sir! Nothing at all!

Baque - Why are you calling us at this hour?

Nelix - Morons! I'm your new fleet commander! Admiral Spot gave me her old job so she could better take care of the rest of Starfleet.

Center - Man, she really hates you doesn't she?

Nelix - Yes, yes she does. And because of that, I must try and find a way to make your pathetic lives a living hell. Crap always flows downhill.

Genocide - So to what end do we have the honour of speaking with you today sir?

Nelix - I have a mission for you idiots.

Center - I thought we already had a mission. Isn't that why we were travelling at warp 7 for no apparent reason?

Baque - We were travelling at warp 7 simply because we had nothing better to do and the folks back on Earth need to believe we actually do important stuff out here.

Center - So is that why our personal and duty logs are all top secret?

Genocide - Umm...

Cut to a scene on Earth, where the Federation President is having a press conference with a lot of reporters.

Reporter #1 - Mr. President, what is Starfleet is doing about the overpopulation crisis inside the Federation?

President - That's, uhh, classified.

Back to the Celestial.

Nelix - Yes, that's exactly it right there Carl.

Center - My name's Bob.

Nelix - Whatever. Can I trust you guys to pass the information I'm about to send you on to your Captain?

Baque - I'd be more worried about trusting our captain to correctly pass along the information to us.

Nelix - Well whatever the case, listen very carefully.

Baque puts his feet up on the console, sits back in his chair and shuts his eyes, Genocide starts playing his harmonica again, and Center takes out a notepad and a pencil.

Nelix - I'm sending you all on a two-way trip to Gre'thor.

Baque sits up and falls out of his chair, Genocide swallows his harmonica, and Center accidentally stabs his pencil through the paper and into the console, causing a shower of sparks.

Baque - Did you say, Gre'thor?

Genocide - Klingon hell?

Nelix - That's right.

Center - Why?

Nelix - Because. I just don't like you.

Center - I'm calling the rest of the senior staff.

Nelix - Go ahead.

A few seconds later the rest of the senior staff file out of the turbolift onto the bridge.

Righteous - So you want us to go to Gre'thor, sir?

Nelix - That's right. Wait, who told you?

Righteous - The Prophets, who else?

Nelix - Ok whatever.

Senseless - With all due respect sir, isn't Gre'thor just a stupid legend?

Tener - And even if it isn't, there are no klingons onboard the Celestial. How do we get in?

Nelix - All valid questions. First, let me say I don't believe for an instant that Gre'thor actually exists, but I really need a Scorpion class attack fighter so I'm sending you to Gre'thor or wherever dead Remans go to torture the information out of Shinzon.

Puker - Yep, he's officially lost it.

Nelix - On the contrary, I'm still smarter than all of you. Trust me, if there's a ship out there that can do this, it's you guys.

Greaser - That's what you said to the Borg Buster and they almost got pulverized by the Dominion.

Nelix - Well you're already the barge of the brain dead so I don't see how you _can't_ get into Gre'thor. That's why I choose that one instead of the millions of other hell plains out there. In any case, I've always wanted to say and truly mean the following words: GO TO HELL! Nelix out!

Beep!

Senseless - God damn it.

* * *

Opening credits, yadda, yadda, yadda.

* * *

Scene 2 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present.

Righteous - Captain's Log, stardate um...hold on, let me check...calender, calender, where is the calender...ah here it is. Stardate 435191.1. OK, now where was I...Oh yeah. Admiral Nelix has ordered us to go to the Klingon hell place thingy or whatever it's called in order to get the specs for a Reman Scorpion class attack fighter from the dishonoured soul of Shinzon or something like that. Anyway, we're currently sitting in the middle of nowhere debating the best way to enter hell and return. However, we've run into something called a snag. Computer, end log. What's a snag?

Senseless - Are you quite done with recording your Captain's log, personal log, Vedek log, and wooden log, sir?

Righteous - I think I'm forgetting one of my logs but I'll save that one for later.

Greaser - Thank God. Now, I've told you all that it is physically impossible to take the ship into Gre'thor. It just can't be done.

Righteous - Well that should be no problem. We're not going to Gre'thor after all.

Genocide - Gee I wonder what plan he has for finding a way into Gre'thor without actually getting into Gre'thor.

Righteous - After much thought–

Baque - That's a first–

Righteous - –I've come to the conclusion that we should be focussing on getting into human hell rather than klingon hell.

Senseless - Admiral Nelix didn't seem to think so.

Puker - Admiral Nelix want's us dead, remember?

Righteous - Anywho, that's where we're going.

Bios - Makes a bit more sense. After all, Shinzon was human. That still leaves us with the question of how we're going to get into hell in the first place.

Center - Maybe one of us should have a near death experience.

Baque - Great idea, and I nominate my good friend Bob here to be that one of us.

Senseless - Now, I don't like being the negative one all the time, but aside from the captain here, none of us is that religious. Who actually knows anything about hell?

The crew sit around with dumbfounded looks on their faces.

Righteous - I say we ask the Prophets what to do.

Baque - I say we just sit around, twiddle our thumbs, and declare a mission failure.

Bios - Actually, I've been thinking...Take a look at this simulation.

As she touches a button on the wall monitor, it blows out, along with the lights. The yellow alert lights activate as backups.

Bios - Ooooooook. Maybe I'll just tell you. I've been thinking about inter-dimensional travel. Voyager was able to enter fluidic space using a modified deflector pulse. If they can travel into a place where there is more matter than space, why can't we travel to a place that only exists in the minds of the weirdo's on Alpha Centauri?

Genocide - Fluidic space actually _exists_ though. We're not even sure hell does.

Bios - There's only one way to find out. First, we need to find a really bad person and kill him, then keep a sensor lock on his soul and watch where it goes. Once we get the correct quantum frequency, we can simply adjust the deflector, batten down the hatches, and sail right into the netherworld.

Righteous - ...And the Prophets said, "Let there be technobabble, so that our children can easily explain their way into or out of anything..."

Senseless - Actually it sounds pretty good. We can probably find some sicko at the Federation Maximum security prison on Io.

Tener - Yes, let's all go to Io. I've always wanted to see the fiery depths of a volcanic moon.

Greaser - Really? So have I!

Stoner - I believe the Lieutenant was being sarcastic, commander.

Greaser - Oh...Well, I still want to see them. I hear it's a lot like Bolios.

Righteous - Good. Everyone's happy. Dismissed.

* * *

Scene 3 - The Celestial sits in space.

Righteous - Captain's log, supplemental. We have arrived in the Sol system, and are currently trying our hardest to stay out of range of the Jupiter Station sensor net. We will be in orbit of Io in a few minutes and have received confirmation to transport aboard one of the inmates in the maximum security prison there.

A huge hand comes out of nowhere and grabs the Celestial.

Righteous - Vroooom! Vroooooom! Whoosh!

The crew sit watching Righteous as he flies his anti-gravity equipped 10 inch model of the USS Celestial away from the window and around the briefing room, their faces set in a mixture of fear and confusion.

Righteous - Vrooom! Vrooom! Crash! Starship down! Starship down! Don't worry! The Prophets will save us! Bweee boo bweee boo bweee boo! Hooray!

Baque - My God he's really stupid today.

As Righteous plays with his die-cast Celestial and plastic wormhole model, the holo-communicator activates in the room and Admiral Nelix appears standing on the table.

Nelix - What the f are you doing?

Righteous - Gah! Pah Wraith!

Righteous throws his toys against the wall, where they explode in a small ball of fire.

Senseless - Hi sir.

Nelix - Ah yes. So, status report.

Righteous - Well, the Prophets managed to save the Celestial from certain destruction–

Nelix - Commander?

Senseless - We're planning to execute a mass murderer and track where his soul goes. Hey are we even allowed to preform summary executions aboard a Federation starship?

Nelix - Don't worry, it's easy enough to omit that little tid bit from the logs. So, when will you be able to get my design specifications?

Bios - As soon as I can get the phase variance of the hell plain.

Nelix - Good. Now, get out of my office!

Senseless - Yes sir. Ensign Center, turn off the holo-communicator.

Nelix - That's not what I meant, asswipes.

Admiral Nelix vanishes and they crew look out the window, where they see the broken cross section of a Jupiter Station bulkhead against the window.

Tener - Something tells me we shouldn't have left those NoName's in charge of the bridge.

* * *

Scene 4 - The Celestial is now orbiting Io, after leaving a nice Opaka Class shaped hole in the hull of Jupiter Station. Scene is in sickbay. Puker, Stoner, Bios, Genocide, Senseless, and Righteous are crowding around a NoName lying on a biobed.

NoName #1 - Wha– What's going on?

Puker - I'm afraid we have to execute you.

NoName #1 - WHAT!

Puker - It's for a greater good of our salaries.

NoName #1 - Go to hell!

Bios - We plan to, we just need to get the frequency of the inter-dimensional portal that takes evil souls to the afterlife.

NoName #1 looks at her in a mixture of confusion and annoyance, mouthing the word "what?"

Puker - Well let's get this done with. Nurse, go sterilise the hypospray and fill it with potassium chloride.

NoName #1 - Don't I get a last meal?

Puker - Nah, that just makes it messier when I do the autopsy.

NoName #1 - What about a few final words?

Bios - Ok.

NoName #1 - OOOOOOooooooooohh! This is the song that never endssss! Yes it goes on and on my friend! Somebody, started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never endsssss! Yes it goes on and –

Genocide - F this!

Genocide takes out his phaser and shoots NoName #1 in the head. At the same instant, Bios opens her tricorder and begins scanning.

Bios - Got it! A quantity of EM radiation went through a small fissure in subspace. I've got the exact frequency.

Senseless - Good. Get this data to the bridge and begin reconfiguring the main deflector.

Righteous (as him, Senseless, Genocide, and Bios leave the room) - Man, deflector dishes really are useful, aren't they? I mean, they can prevent hull breaches, make portals, and um...do other stuff too...

Center - Bridge to Captain Righteous! You have to stop the execution!

Righteous - Why?

Center - The prison just called! They sent us the wrong person! The guy they sent was the Vega Colony council member!

Genocide - Oh well.

Bios - Damn! I suppose that means we got the wrong fissure frequency.

Senseless - I wouldn't worry too much about that, Lieutenant. After all, he was a politician.

Bios - Good point, sir.

They all enter the turbolift.

Righteous - Top floor please.

Scene 5 - Bridge. Righteous, Senseless, Bios, Genocide, Center, Baque, Tener, and Greaser are present.

Baque - Why are you two here?

Greaser - I haven't gotten more than ten words in this episode yet!

Tener - You idiots keep forgetting about me so I have to make sure I'm included in most of the scenes!

Bios - Sir, I'm ready to initiate the deflector pulse. We'll have only a few seconds to enter it.

Senseless - It's unstable?

Righteous - Prophet-controlled holes in space aren't...

Bios - No, but I'm just too impatient to wait any longer.

Baque - Me too, hurry up and turn the damn thing on.

Senseless - By all means, lieutenant, turn the damn thing on.

Bios - Ok sir, turning the damn thing on.

A beam of light flies out of the Celestial's deflector dish and begins to open a portal.

Center - Tachyon concentrations nearing 50 ppm. Chroniton levels remaining stable.

Bios - Deflector beam is holding. Feedback minor.

Genocide - Shields at 99 and holding.

Center - Tachyon concentrations approaching 100 ppm. Portal opening directly in front of us.

Righteous - Then with due haste, Lieutenant, take us into hell.

Baque - Right. Full impulse.

As the Celestial moves toward the swirling pool of light, a temporal portal opens and Binky the Mistreated Ex-Borg Targ comes out and crashes into the hull of the ship. The USS Celestial enters the portal and...

...And comes out the other side, where it immediately falls like a rock into a red ocean. On the bridge the crew pick themselves off the floor.

Senseless - Report! Why did we get thrown to the floor?

Center - According to these readings, we're on some kind of Ringworld. I'm detecting an oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere out there.

Baque - What's this crap we're in?

Center - Some kind of organic liquid.

Righteous - Oh boy! Fresh air! Everyone outside! Puker and Stoner report to the top of the ship.

Puker - Err...You mean the bridge.

Righteous - Nope this time I mean the _very_ top of the ship.

Baque - Idiot! How am I supposed to piolet the ship if we're out on the hull!

Bios - Try the manual steering column.

Baque - That's only available with the registered version of CelestOS and Starfleet Command was too cheap to pay for it.

Bios - Don't worry, I was able to hack the program. We now have access to the entire version of the operating system.

The bridge crew look toward Bios' station, where a console looks like someone took a machete to it.

Baque - Oh good. Computer, activate the Manual Steering Column.

A joystick pops up on top of the helm console. Baque rips it out of the control panel and follows the rest of the senior staff to the ready room, then into the corridor behind the bridge, then up a ladder, through an airlock, and onto the top of the ship. The Celestial is half immersed in a sea of red and other hatches along the stardrive section are opening and NoNames are coming out.

Righteous - You there, with the face! Start up the outboard motor.

The NoName gives a salute and taps his combadge. A few words brings the outboard propulsion systems online. The nacelle pylons move down just like on Intrepid Class ships, and half submerge the nacelles in the water. On the front of each a giant propellor forms from the bussard collectors, and liquid starts getting sucked in and blown out the back of the nacelles. The ship starts to move.

Center - Wow, we're sailing through a sea of liquid blood.

Tener - I don't think blood can be anything but a liquid, Ensign.

Center points upward and Tener looks up at the sky.

Tener - Blood...clouds?

Baque - LAND HO!

Righteous - That's highly inappropriate, Lieutenant.

Baque - No you moron! I mean there's land nearby.

Bios, who has her tricorder tied in with the ship's sensors, takes a reading.

Bios - Looks like a port of some kind. Lots of weird sea ships docked.

Then, a loud voice booms out from a light house in the middle of the harbour.

Voice - Attention, attention: All death barges please use Exit 4a. Exit 3 is currently under construction and will be closed for another 3 tenths of an eternity. Have a nice day.

Greaser - Maybe we should ask for directions or something.

Senseless - Where are we going to find directions here?

Then, a large sign comes into view. It says: "Welcome to the Underworld. Visit our tourist bureau and enjoy your stay."

Baque - Well, who didn't see that coming a mile away.

Righteous - Take us over there.

Bios - No need. I've accessed the Eteranet and have downloaded a map. And only for a modest fee of 9.95 a month. What a steal!

Senseless - Where does the map say we should go?

Bios - bearing 458 mark 2. We pass two more ports and then we're in human hell.

Stoner - Correct me if I'm illogical, but aren't there supposed to be weird things in the water that lure in unweary souls?

Voices - FREE HEALTHCARE! COME AND GET IT!

Righteous - Don't even think of falling for this blight-like foolery. After all, we're smarter than that.

Voices - DINNER WITH THE PROPHETS! FREE DINNER WITH THE PROPHETS!

The crew think quick and manage to stop Righteous before he slides down the hull.

Righteous - Hey guys! Knock it off!

Senseless - This is gonna be one loooooooong voyage.

Scene 6 - Almost 80 metres from where the senior staff have positioned themselves on top of deck 1, Binky the Mistreated Targ sits on top of a giant E (part of USS CELESTIAL), temporarily blinded by the giant flood light attached to the leading edge of deck 2.

Binky - Urgg...

As he watches, several NoNames pop open a hatch that leads from deck 4 and climb onto the hull.

Voices - NAMES! GET YOUR NAMES! GET EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT!

NoName #2 - Oh boy how can I lose!

The three crewmen jump and slide quickly down the hull, but slam into the main phaser strip halfway down and kill themselves (which is just much more funny than watching them get devoured by sea creatures).

Scene 7 - The Celestial trogs through the blood. On the top, Dr. Puker is living up to his name and the rest of the crew are feeling pretty queasy too, all expect Righteous who is having a ball.

Righteous - Wow, a Ringworld! It's like some kind of ring structure surrounding a white dwarf or something!

Greaser - Gee thanks for pointing that out to us. It's not like anyone didn't care or anything.

Center - Hey what's that thing getting really close to us?

Then the Celestial smashes into and runs over a Klingon Barge of the Dead.

Genocide - Lieutenant, are you _sure_ you have a piolet's license?

Baque - Are you sure you have a firearm license?

Genocide - Point taken. Never mind.

Bios - Ok hard to starboard. Take us into that port there.

The ship veers right and enters a harbour. From a distance, it looks like what everyone expects hell to look like, with fire and brimstone and darkness. However, as they get closer, the fog clears and they see a big resort with Olympic-like flames on either side of large decorated doors. Several tug boats come out and guide the ship into port.

Senseless - Well, someone definitely got something wrong in the Bible.

Tener - I still recommend we take the necessary security precautions.

Center - Most people here are already dead. Why would _they_ worry about killing more people?

Tener - Simply because nothing ever goes our way.

Righteous - Ok well I'm not as impressed as you guys are so I'm going to sit this one out. Commander, take Genocide, Tener, and Dr. Puker and find that weird clone guy or whatever he is.

Senseless - Ok. Alright we need some NoNames for good measure. We'll meet on the dock in ten minutes. Let's go.

Scene 8 - 10 minutes and 12 seconds later. Seneless, Tener, Puker, and two yellow shirts are standing on the dock next to the strangely bent Federation airlock.

Senseless - Late as usual.

Tener - Should I go find him sir?

Clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk!

The next thing the crew knows, A K1A1 tank comes rolling up to them on its treads.

Senseless - I don't even need to ask where this thing came from, but please tell me anyway, Lieutenant-Commander.

The hatch at the top opens and Genocide pops his head out.

Genocide - Our ship has 6 cargo bays of various sizes. We have 5 shuttlecraft in a bay that can hold 15. Our crew count is 730 but we can comfortably hold over 900. If there's enough room to hold all of the captain's religious junk, I can have a tank!

Tener - Satan is going to flip when he sees this...laughing that is.

Genocide - Oh don't worry, it's been massively upgraded from that one they used in the 20th century. Hop in.

Just to humour him, Tener climbs up the ladder on the side and looks down through the hatch.

Tener - Holy bovine feces!

With that he jumps down into the ancient war vehicle. Curiously, Puker, Senseless, and the NoName's follow him in. Inside...

Senseless - What...the...crap.

There are plush chairs, a coffee machine, a vending machine, air conditioning, a subspace radio, head room, and side impact airbags next to every chair.

Genocide - Passive shielding, ablative armour, Type 4 pulse phaser cannon, alternate micro-torpedo launcher, and enough torque to drive this thing through the gates of hell and back.

Senseless - This thing could actually come in handy. Good work, Commander.

Genocide - Thank you sir. I always knew my obsession with weapons of mass destruction would get me somewhere other than jail someday.

He jumps in the driver's seat, puts in a data disc with the Matrix chase music on it, and shifts the tank into high gear.

Genocide (grinning) - Show time...

Scene 9 - Just inside the gates of hell, everyone is standing around in the resort sipping drinks and chatting about the sports. Caribbean music is playing in the background.

Long Dead Snooty British Guy - So I said to the chap, "I say, young lad, that is no way to be building a kingdom, selling drugs that is."

Other Long Dead Snooty British Guy - Jolly well done, I do say.

_SMASH!_

The Caribbean music is overrun by some techno/rock mixture as the starfleet-gray tank comes crashing though the gate and rolls onto the patio.

Long Dead Snooty British Guy - Well this bloody well sucks.

He says right before he is run over and crushed by the left tread of the K1A1 Republic of Korea armoured vehicle. Inside...

Senseless - Watch where you're going will ya?

Genocide - Sorry sir, I'm just having too much fun!

He hits the fire button and the tank opens up with a micro-torpedo right into the top of the water slide, vaporising it and setting the place in flames.

Genocide - Good this is more like what hell should be like!

Tener - That should eliminate any resistance. Let's go on foot now.

The two NoNames in the back fearfully look at each other then back to their Commander.

NoName #3 - Um, we'll stay here and guard the tank.

Genocide - Good idea, I spent a fortune of my non-existent Federation currency on this baby.

The four officers get out and look around at the destruction and dead bodies.

Puker - I wonder where you go if you die in hell?

Scene jumps to downtown New York, early 21st century. A whole bunch of people just appear out of nowhere in the middle of the sidewalk.

Newly Reborn Hell Resident - AH, GOD DAMN IT!

Scene jumps back to hell.

Puker - I'm picking up billions of human life signs all over the place so it's impossible to figure out which one is Shinzon.

Senseless - Let's try the main office. They might have records of everyone who comes and goes.

They start walking toward a singed building. All of a sudden Senseless stops dead in his tracks.

Tener - What is it sir?

Senseless - It just occurred to me how _stupid_ this plot-line is getting...

Scene 10 - Devil's office. Satan is sitting behind a desk reading some papers.

Saten - Man, it's going to take an eternity to pay off this loan from Heaven...never should have installed the Jacuzzi...

All of a sudden Genocide and Tener break down the door.

Tener - ALL RIGHT WHERE'S SHINZON!

Satan - AH! COMMANDOS!

Genocide - Shinzon! Where is he!

Satan - Who?

Genocide - Shinzon. You know, arrogant, over confident, psychopathic killer guy...kinda looks like Picard.

Satan - Oh you mean _that_ Shinzon. It's so hard to keep track of people when there's over a trillion of them. He's over there in the accounting department.

Tener - Oh. Ok thanks. Tener to Senseless.

Senseless - Senseless here.

Tener - Yep he's in the accounting department. You were right.

Senseless - You owe me two hours holodeck privileges then.

Genocide - Excuse us.

The two officers turn around and start to leave. Then Genocide stops.

Genocide - Oh and one more thing.

Genocide pulls out a fully automatic AK-47 and fires about fifty rounds into the devil's chest, who doesn't even flinch.

Satan - If I had a nickel for every time I've been shot with a fully automatic weapon...well, let's just say I wouldn't be working _here_.

Genocide - Crap...I always wanted to torture the devil.

Satan - Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Georgia to steal a soul to pay for this loan.

Tener - Wait I've heard this song–

Satan - Well don't ruin if for me then.

With that he disappears in a cheap "poof."

Tener - Let's go!

Scene 11 - A shuttlecraft. Bios, Greaser, and Baque are flying around the bottom of the ringworld that the hell plain sits on.

Baque - How come every time I get in a shuttle there's always someone who outranks me in it too?

Greaser - Really? I hadn't noticed that till you just pointed it out to me.

Bios - Hey, what's that over there? Almost looks like a crack in the surface of the ring.

Baque flies the shuttle closer to the underside of the ring and sure enough there's a big crack forming.

Greaser - How did _that_ get there.

Baque - I don't even need to ask this question, but isn't that awfully close to where the Celestial dropped out of the subspace portal?

Bios - Actually it's exactly where we fell. Looks like we hit so hard we put a crack in the floor of the ring.

Greaser - Well hopefully it won't get any worse.

As they watch, the crack expands in length by about a metre and a half.

Greaser - Why does _everything_ hate me?

Bios - At the current rate of expansion, I predict the crack will span the entire width of the ringworld in approximately...15 MINUTES?

Greaser - Get us back to the ship! NOW!

Baque - Well you don't need to be pushy–

Greaser shoves Baque out of the way and sits at the helm.

Greaser - HOW DO YOU WORK THIS FING THING?

Baque shoves her out of the way and sits back in the driver's seat.

Baque - Jesus Christ...

Scene 12 - Senseless, Puker, Tener, and Genocide enter the Accounting Room and see Shinzon behind a desk.

Shinzon - What the...?

Senseless - I'm Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial. We just need some information.

Shinzon - I...YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Tener - But you're already dead.

Shinzon - Oh yeah, well...I'd still be out there kicking your asses right now if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dumb starship.

Puker gets up behind him and attempts to inject him with a hypospray.

Shinzon - No! No more shots. All I hear is "Time for the procedure" this, and "It is accelerating" that...I'm sick of it.

Genocide - Look all we want are the plans to the Scorpion class attack fighter so we can give them to Admiral Nelix and not get fired from the only job that would hire us.

Shinzon - Oh why didn't you say so in the first place?

He opens a drawer and takes out a Romulan PADD.

Shinzon - Here. I've thrown in the plans to the Scimitar as an added bonus. Enjoy.

Puker - Wow you sure are nicer now than you were in Star Trek Nemesis.

Shinzon - Yeah, well, having your cellular structure break down around you kinda ruins your mood.

Puker - Oh about that. I guess now's as good of a time as any to tell you this. Turns out there was a really easy way to cure your condition.

Shinzon - You mean besides draining Picard of his blood?

Puker - All you needed was a blood sample. Then it was a simple matter of cloning the right amount of it and injecting it into your body.

Shinzon - AH SON OF A BITCH!

Puker - Once again proving Dr. Crusher is as stupid as a targ.

Shinzon - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The ground starts shaking.

Center - Celestial to away team!

Senseless - Senseless here. Go ahead.

Center - The ringworld is coming apart! Get out of there! NOW!

Senseless - Gotcha, Senseless out. Let's go guys.

They all run out of the room leaving Shinzon to bang his head against the wall for a while. As they exit the building, they see that lava is pouring out of everywhere and the place is on fire.

Genocide - My tank! Where did those idiots put it?

Tener - Over there, by the bar.

They all climb into the tank and shove the two NoNames out into the lava-filled pool simply because they have lived too long.

Genocide - Hold on this is going to be bumpy.

The tank's turret spins around and widens into a rocket engine. The treads retract and wheels extend. More matrix-like chase music starts playing. Genocide drives the armoured vehicle right through a wall and out onto a ledge, just off of which the Celestial is hovering, facing away from them.

Tener - Evil Kinevel time?

Genocide - I was thinking more of the dukes of hazard but ok.

He drives the tank as fast as it can go and flies it off the edge of the cliff. Time slows down and a funny honking noise is heard amid screams from the NoNames who are working in the shuttlebay, which is in the line of fire.

Honk honk honk honky hank hank henk honk!

Unfortunately, the hull plating on the landing pad wasn't designed to take the impact of a ten tonne tank moving at 200 km/h. The tank slams through the floor and wedges into the deck below.

Senseless - Just get us transported out. Please.

Scene 13 - Bridge. Genocide, Senseless, and Bios enter from the turbolift.

Senseless - What are you waiting for, get us out of here!

Baque - I can't!

Righteous - What do you mean you can't?

Baque - The antigravity thrusters were designed to work against _gravity_. This ringworld doesn't have gravity, just centrifugal force creating the illusion of gravity. I'm actually having one hell of a time just keeping us at this level using the impulse engines.

Senseless - Then what can we do?

Center - The ringworld uses antimatter reactors for power, and they're about to be pulled apart. I don't need to tell you what will happen if they breach while we're so close.

Righteous - Could you tell me anyway?

Senseless - Ok we can't go up, we'll just have to go down. Mr. Baque, turn the ship so it's pointing straight toward the crack in the floor and get ready to engage at full forward thrust.

Baque - Yeah sounds Ok I guess...

As the ship changes pitch, Binky wakes up from his short slumber and senses he is falling down the length of the outer hull.

Binky - WHEE!

Bridge.

Bios - Total structural failure in ten seconds. Get ready Lieutenant.

Baque - Ready to floor it.

Bios - 5...4...3...2...1...NOW!

As the massive ten-mile wide and 10 million mile in diameter ring breaks apart, the Celestial flies at full impulse through the crack, which widened for an instant, but is now coming back together.

Bios - We're not going to make it!

Baque - Not on my watch!

Bios - Lieutenant, unless you can change the laws of physics, we aren't going to make it before we get crushed.

Baque - Really? Oh, my watch stopped. Heh, who would have thunk it.

Outside on the hull, Binky the Mistreated Targ, who was about to fall off the bow, is now being thrown back along the ship toward the aft at about half the speed of light.

Binky - WHEE! WHEE!

Smack! (Open airlock cover) Smack( messhall windows) Smack!(top of the bridge) Smack!(Subspace antenna). As he flies along the stardrive section, hull plates being blown off around him by the crushing force of the broken ring, he for once in his life hopes to God that a temporal portal opens very, very soon. However, no one seems to be listening and he finally hits Genocide's tank, which is still sticking out of the back of the ship. Binky latches on to the turret and holds on for dear mistreated life. Then, a large hull plate hits the tank, knocking it loose and sending Binky flying off into space...Where he is quickly eaten up by a temporal portal.

Meanwhile, on the Bridge, the crew are holding on to railings and consoles as wind gushes around them.

Center - Hull breaches on decks 1, 7, and 20!

Baque - Almost there!

Bios - We can't make it! Diverting power to the main deflector!

Rightoeus (praying) - Our Prophets, who art in Wormhole...

Senseless - Open a portal! NOW!

Beep! Flash! BOOM! The camera goes to the outside of the ringworld, just in time to see it explode, killing quintillions of dead people...wow that made no sense at all...

Scene 14 - Jupiter Station. Admiral Nelix is sitting in his office talking to Captain Farfetched of the USS Saratoga over the comm.

Nelix - Well on the bright side, even though we lost one of our most powerful warships, we managed to get rid of Righteous and his half-witted crew in the process.

Farfetched - Yeah, they were all a bunch of jackasses anyway.

Nelix - Well for helping me cover our tracks, I'll give you and your crew a third of the latinum Chester gave us.

Farfetched - He'll sure be happy we destroyed his arch-rivals.

Nelix - We still have Fleet Admiral Spot to take care of but that should be a problem. I think she's starting to trust me so It'll be a cinch eliminate her. With the Celestial out of the way, there's no one left to stop the Orion Syndicate from ruling the galaxy!

Farfetched - Um...what?

Nelix - You heard me, Captain. I'm working for the Syndicate now.

Farfetched - You jackass you said destroying the Celestial was for the greater good of the Federation, not for the Orion Syndicate. I refuse to have any part in this! You'll have to talk to my lawyer.

Nelix - I _could _do that, or you could join me and I'll decide _not_ to activate the Saratoga's self destruct system.

Farfetched - Grrr...FINE! But I want the safety of my ship and crew GUARANTEED in writing, with a thirty day money back policy!

Nelix - Fine. Nelix out.

He starts to dial the number for Chester when all of a sudden a blinding flash comes out of nowhere and the USS Celestial, heavily damaged, along with a tonne of rock and debris, appears right out Nelix's window.

_**CRASH!**_

Nelix - **DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!**

THE END

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Protect only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	10. Celestial 10

Celestial 10: Death, Pain, and Lost Data

Started September 30th, 2005

Finished October 10th, 2005

By Swordtail

Scene 1 - Messhall. Righteous, Bios, Senseless, Greaser, and Center are present. Righteous is talking into his fruitloops.

Righteous - Caption's Log, stardate 435246.2. Our little trip into hell resulted in massive damage so we've been in drydock for about three weeks now getting repaired. I'm not totally sure what's going on, but Bios and her team of IT people have been running around saying it's the end of the galaxy as we know it. Something about a computer upgrade...

Bios - Macrosoft made a deal with Starfleet to provide cheep software so long as we use it.

Righteous - Well that was awfully nice of them.

Bios - Err...one of the requirements was that we stop using the LCARS operating system and switch to Macrosoft, formally known as Microsoft until up to a decade ago.

Senseless - Starfleet has been using LCARS for almost a century. Whatever command has switched to must be a hell of a lot better.

Bios - Trust me when I say there's nothing good about this. Sometime today we're getting the disks that contain a operating system called Windows Starfleet Edition. It's going to replace the current CelestOS system I had installed when we launched over two years ago.

Center - No offence, but CelestOS never quite worked well for us.

Righteous - Oh yeah. Computer, end log.

Bios - Well what do you expect from a operating system that was churned out faster than the ship was?

Greaser - All I can say is we better not have any malfunctions with this new system cause I'm not in the mood to fix more broken junk.

Meanwhile, as she is saying this, two NoNames are in the Main Computer room screwing with the core processor. One accidentally stabs his hypospanner through a gel pack, which causes a feedback loop into a nearby console, destroying both. The two NoNames just look at each other.

NoName #1 - Wanna have the honour?

NoName #2 - Sure.

NoName #2 shoots NoName #1, then himself.

Opening credits have been revamped and now use the "Session" song from The Matrix: Reloaded by Linkin Park. Get used to it.

Scene 2 - Scene is at the airlock on deck 15. Senseless, Greaser, and Bios are waiting as a bunch of NoNames push in computer equipment on anti-grav sleds. Next comes a short, geeky looking guy with big glasses.

Guy - Hi, I'm Dr. Doores Will Doores. I was the chief programmer for Windows SFE.

Greaser - Yeah that's all good and fun and I'm sure you've got tonnes of interesting stories to tell us over a hot cup of sulphuric acid, but we're on a schedule here and we need this stupid computer upgrade done immediately so this way to engineering. DOUBLE TIME, DOCTOR!

Greaser grabs Dr. Doores by the collar and starts running down the corridor.

Senseless - It is for these reasons that Vaughan says I have extremely high blood pressure...

Scene 3 - Main engineering. Greaser is standing there tapping her foot, wearing out the carpet as Dr. Doores and Lieutenant Bios work at the Computer Interface Terminal. Senseless is in the back tapping some panels.

Dr. Doores - Ok I need to shut down all systems and reboot the computer. Just like they did in that weird Iconion episode in TNG.

Greaser - What? I'm running some diagnostics on the main sensor array and they're not done yet! If we shut down, they'll be slowed!

Bios - Actually you'll have to start again. The current diagnostic programs aren't compatible with Windows.

Greaser - What? You mean I have to redo EVERY diagnostic I've done over the past three weeks?

Doores - But don't worry, Windows SFE is over five times faster and more reliable than CelestOS was. You won't be disappointed in the least!

Senseless - We'd better not be. Okay, cut main power.

Lights go off.

Greaser - Woah, space _is_ dark.

Lights come on. Over the intercom the Microsoft Starting-up sound can be heard.

Bios - So far so good. Check the interface.

The all look at the nearby monitor and see a cloud-filled background with little icons and a task bar at the bottom.

Doores - Now let me give you a crash course in Windows. Say you want to divert more power to the weapons. Just click on this icon–

He moves the mouse pointer by using a touch pad on the console and double clicks on an icon that says "Power Settings."

Doores - And you can easily change the entire ship's power allocation from this one convenient application.

Greaser - Easy enough.

Doores - And here you can raise shields–

He double clicks on a icon labelled "McAfee Security Centre."

Doores - And arm weapons.

Greaser - And this interface is available on all the consoles?

Doores - Yes that's what makes Windows so user friendly: Anyone can use it!

Scene 4 - Briefing room, 15 hours later. All senior staff are present and talking to Admiral Spot.

Tener - This thing is a huge security risk. Anyone can use our systems!

Genocide - I don't like how you have to aim using a stupid pointer.

Puker - That paperclip is annoying the hell out of me. Every time I go to make an entry in my medical records, it pops up saying "It looks like you're trying to make a death certificate. Would you like some help?"

Righteous - It won't let me use any of my Bajoran holodeck programs. It keeps saying that I don't have the right drivers.

Greaser - It's always asking "Are you sure you want to do this?" every time I input a command!

Baque - It's slowing the damn ship down!

Center - Communications are a mess! Every time I send a message to my parents, it spends two hours scanning it for terrorist content!

Stoner - The layout of the interface is highly illogical.

Bios - Every time I touch it, it crashes!

Senseless - Those beeps and dings and chimes that it makes every time it has a question or a comment are driving the crew insane!

Spot - Yeah, well, we figured there would be a few bugs, so that's why we only installed if on the Celestial. The rest of the fleet is waiting on the results of your tests.

Genocide - Figures. We're always the ginuie pigs around here.

Spot - Well, we'll send you on a short trip around the neighbourhood. I want you to take some wheat grain to Vega Colony.

Baque - That's only a few dozen light-years away, shouldn't take more than a day.

Spot - Excellent. Be back in 72 hours. Spot out.

The holographic display of the high-ranking cat disappears from the top of the table.

Righteous - Well let's go to Vega Colony then. I'm sure they'll be delighted that we decided to pay them a visit.

Center -.Actually sir they might be a little mad. After all, we did accidentally execute their ambassador early this month.

Righteous - Alright! Soon to be October! That means we have Thanksgiving and Halloween to look forward to!

Baque - ...Attention span of a targ.

No sooner have the words left his mouth then Binky the Mistreated Targ comes out of a temporal portal just outside the Celestial, along with Genocide's modified K1A1 Korean tank.

Genocide - Alright! Now I have two!

Senseless - What?

Genocide - I bought an old Canadian Leopard C2 tank last week and modified it like this one.

The crew start talking tanks, oblivious to the fact that Binky's blood is boiling in the vacuum of space. Just as he is about to kick the bucket, a maintenance pod slams into him, providing him with another breath of oxygen as he crashes through it's outer hull.

Bios - So back to the computer issue. I say we try it out for a while.

Senseless - Ok, we'll go to Vega Colony, but if anyone asks about the ambassador, it never happened.

Scene 5 - The Celestial has gone to warp. The viewscreen is showing the Flying Windows screensaver instead of the starflight one. All bridge staff are present.

Baque - I once got them to replicate fifteen bowls of maccaroni in less than a minute.

Genocide - Cool.

Center - You know you shouldn't do that it's a strain on the ship's power supply.

Baque - Oh stop being such a pussy. Besides, it's not our job to fix the secondary systems so it doesn't hurt us any.

Then Greaser comes stomping through the bridge and goes to her station.

Greaser - If I ever find out who blew the replicator in the mess hall, I'm going to rip off their head and shove a slow-acting thaleron generator down their neck.

Baque and Genocide quickly look away and to their stations while Center snickers.

Righteous - Are we there yet?

All of the sudden the viewscreen goes blue and the words "Fatal Error, System Halted." The ship drops out of warp and all the consoles go blank.

Righteous - Ah! Attackers! Death! PAIN!

Senseless - What happened lieutenant?

Bios - Looks like the ship crashed.

Greaser - I always knew Toc's piloting would get us killed someday.

Bios - No not that kind of crash, ma'am. The main computer crashed. We need to restart the ship.

Righteous - OK. Do what you need to do.

The lights go off, then come back on again. The Windows Logo appears on the view screen with a status bar at the bottom.

Baque - Ok let's try this again.

He hits some buttons, but the ship won't go to warp.

Baque - Greaser...

Greaser - Yeah, yeah, I'm on it...Oooook I'm off of it. I can't figure out what's broken this time.

Senseless - Computer, what is wrong with warp drive.

In a weird voice, the computer responds:

Computer - Error using warp drive. Abort, retry, fail?

Computer - Error using warp drive. Abort, retry, fail?

Greaser - Um, guys? I'm reading a power buildup in the reaction chamber. We could be looking at a core breach.

Righteous - CORE BREACH! AHHHH! ALL HANDS ABANDON–

Senseless - Sir! If the shockwave didn't get us, Admiral Spot's kitty wrath sure as hell will. Computer, abort using warp drive.

Computer - Unable to abort. Error reading warp drive. Abort, retry, fail?

Senseless - Useless...fail then.

Computer - Warp drive no longer valid. Half a nice day.

Tweet.

Greaser - Um, I'm still reading a buildup of power.

Senseless - Great. Eject the warp core.

Greaser - I can't! I've lost all access to the warp drive from this station!

Senseless - Computer, eject the warp core.

Computer - Unable to comply.

Righteous (praying) - ...And lead us not into damnation, but deliver us from Pah Wraiths...

Senseless - And just why not?

Computer - Warp drive is not a valid drive listing.

Senseless - Bios! Fix this pile of shit!

Bios - I don't even know where to start!

Righteous - ALL HANDS! ABANDON SHIP!

Computer - Acknowledged. Ejecting escape pods.

Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, Greaser, Baque, Bios, Center - WHAT?

The all look out the viewscreen, where the camera has zoomed in on a pod that has three fast-thinking NoNames in it who are pointing at the ship and laughing.

Camera goes into pod.

NoName #3 - Well we sure got the last laugh on those senior staff people!

NoName #4 - Yeah! HAHAHA!

SMACK! The pod is hit by Binky, who is still stuck half inside the maintenance pod with his hind legs clamped onto the K1A1 tank. Of course the escape pod is destroyed entirely.

Bridge view...

Senseless - How did this happen?

Bios - Don't look at me, it was the computer!

Senseless - Computer, activate the Mission Assistant.

A paperclip wearing a Starfleet uniform appears as a hologram in the middle of the bridge.

Clipit - A new version of Windows is available for download. You MUST download and install this newer version to continue to get quality advertisements from Macrosoft. Please wait.

The paperclip turns into an hour glass which keeps turning over and over as the bridge crew, white knuckled against the tops of their consoles wait for the stupid OS to stop the core from breaching.

Greaser - We've got five hours till the core breaches.

Righteous - Quick! To the briefing room!

Senseless - Yeah, sure. All senior staff report to deck 1.

Scene 6 - All the senior staff are sitting on the floor on the bridge because the computer locked them out of the briefing room.

Bios - So anyway, I can't get access to the computer. The ODN lines are being protected by a forcefield and the door to the room that houses the main processor is fused shut...somehow.(looks to Genocide)

Genocide - What? Phaser turrets seemed like a good idea at the time!

Senseless - Ok, for all those not paying attention, let's recap. We're facing a core breach in less than five hours. We have no control of the ship, are unable to regain control, and don't know how long this stupid update is going to take.

The holographic paperclip appears in the middle of the circle of staff.

Clipit - Windows was unable to access the Subnet. I regret to inform you that for the previous reason, windows will now freeze solid and not respond to any commands. Have a nice day.

With that, all the lights go off and the constant hum of the environmental fans dies.

Righteous - Son of a Pah Wraith!

Tener - Gah! How come every time the lights go out something really bad is going to happen?

Greaser - Alright! Great news guys!

Baque - Oh do tell, might just lift our spirits.

Greaser - Life support is powered mainly by the warp core, so that means it's offline! No more core breach!

Genocide - Of course, weapons, shields, and sensors have also gone offline as well.

Baque - Not to mention propulsion.

Center - And communications.

Righteous - And my plug-in orbs.

Tener - And all of those security systems, such as forcefields and phaser turrets.

Senseless - This could be a problem.

Baque - Funny. That's what they said the day we launched the ship from the shipyard.

Scene 7 - Bridge of the OSS Scratchingpost. Chester is sipping a glass of milk and reading the Sunday comics.

Henchman #1 - Sire? All power output from the USS Celestial has stopped cold.

Chester - Really now? It figures. Set a course. Warp 9.

Scene 8 - Bridge of the USS Saratoga. Captain Farfetched is also reading the Sunday comics.

Scratcher - SIR! ALL POWER OUTPUT FROM THE USS CELESTIAL HAS STOPPED!

Captain Farfetched - What! Who told you Admiral Nelix was blackmailing me to make me work for the Orion Syndicate?

Commander Shelby - What?

Farfetched - Hehe, nothing. Um, let's go help those jackasses on the Celestial. Warp 9.

Scene 9 - The camera is following an extension cord as it winds its way through the halls, into a jefferies tube, up ten decks, out a hatch, through more corridors, in another tube, up three more decks, out into a hall, through a door into the ready room, out onto the bridge, and into the Ops console. All the senior staff are present.

Righteous - Whoever was enlightened enough to invent the extension cord was a genius.

Center - Ok, this gives us a direct connection to the sensors onboard one of the shuttles. Let's take a look outside.

They all peer over his shoulder at the display, which is showing three dots moving toward them.

Center - One of those is the USS Saratoga, one is unidentifiable, and the other is...HOLY CRACKERS! It's the zombie ship!

Tener - I believe this is where I'm supposed to run around the bridge and say "IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA! AHHHHHHHHHHHH". But I'm over that now, thanks to counselling.

Senseless - What's that other one again?

Center - Has the outline of a galaxy class ship, but defiantly configured differently. For one, there's a great big hood ornament on the front of the saucer.

Righteous - Sounds a little familiar.

Genocide - Wasn't that the same as Chester's ship in the alternate reality we caused?

Center - I think it was. What should we do Captain?

Righteous - Well I think we should all drop to our knees and pray to the Prophets, but that's just me and every other Bajoran on the ship.

Baque - Knowing our luck they're probably _all_ selling one-way tickets to the afterlife.

Righteous - Oh goodie can we buy one? Ensign, hail the Saratoga and we'll ask for those tickets. Hopefully it won't cost much.

Center - Hailing them sir.

Scene 10 - Bridge of the Saratoga. Farfetched is sweating in his chair as he views the other ships present at the scene.

Lieutenant Scratcher - SIR!

Farfetched - GAH!

The captain jumps about a foot in the air.

Scratcher - WE ARE BEING HAILED BY A SHUTTLE LOCATED IN THE CELESTIAL'S SHUTTLE BAY.

Shelby - On screen. Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, get those shields up A-SAP.

Garsh - Aye ma'am.

Scratcher - ON SCREEN SIR!

The viewscreen switches to channel 12, where the smiling face of Captain Righteous is looking down at them.

Righteous - I'd like 15 tickets please!

Farfetched - Jackass! What tickets!

Genocide and Tener pull Righteous away and Senseless replaces him at the camera at the Ops station.

Senseless - Ok sir, we've hit a bit of a snag. Seems half the quadrant is out to get us.

Commander Shelby - What's your status?

Senseless - All systems totally offline. The main computer is totally shot. Tell Admiral Spot that this stupid computer upgrade is a pile of sht.

Farfetched - Can your jackassed engineering crew fix it in time to fight two galaxy-class ships?

Senseless - Maybe but it would require getting access to the core processor and the doors are fused.

Shelby - Why don't you just phaser your way through the doors?

Senseless - Um..That's actually a good question. Greaser!

He turns to look away from the screen at someone.

Greaser (faintly) - Yeah, yeah, blow up the doors, I gotcha. Then I suppose you'll want me to fix the doors too won't you? Seems that's all I do around here, work, work, work.

Senseless turns back to the camera.

Senseless - Fend off those ships for us will you? Be careful, we think one might be holding Chester, and the other has a few hundred zombie NoNames on it. Celestial out.

The screen goes back to the Flying Windows screensaver.

Long pause.

Shelby - Think we should have told them our computer won't let us access the tactical systems?

Farfetched - Nah, they have enough to worry about as it is.

Scene 11 - Bridge of the Celestial. Everyone is pacing around being bored. All of a sudden, the lights come back on and the familiar silence from the viewscreen tells them CelestOS is back up and running. Everyone goes to their stations and in a minute Bios comes onto the bridge.

Bios - Lucky I had a backup copy.

Senseless - Good. Mr. Genocide, get those shields–

Boom, ship rocks sparks!

Genocide - The Scratchingpost is firing on us.

Righteous - Return fire then! Try and burn us will they...

Tener - Lieutenant Tener to bridge, we've got a big, BIG problem down here on deck 8!

Senseless - We've got a few problems up here as well

Righteous - The doctor tells me I have problems too.

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A SHIP OFF THE STARBOARD BOW!

Baque - This zombie plot-line is getting old.

Bios - Setting aside the fact that we all saw they totally destroyed back in that nebula., what can we do?

Genocide - The automatic defences should contain them.

Tener - They're ripping your stupid phaser turrets out of the ceiling and using them to break the forcefields!

Senseless - Commander, get down there and help him will ya?

Genocide - Kay.

Genocide leaves the bridge and a NoName takes his station.

Senseless - Target the Scratchingpost and fire all weapons!

NoName #5 - Aye sir.

The camera goes out into space where the Celestial opens up with a volley of photon and quantum torpedoes which all go wide and hit nothing but stray hydrogen atoms.

Senseless - Gahhhhhh! Bios, take tactical. Captain I think we should—Captain?

They all look around the bridge, but can't find their hated Captain.

Senseless - Computer, locate Captain Righteous.

Computer - Damned if I know. Try the internal sensors.

Senseless - You ARE the internal sensors!

Computer - Oh yeah...Captain Righteous is not onboard the ship. And I'll answer your next question for you. He's on that OSS Scratchingpost.

Senseless - Thanks. Senseless to Tener. We've got _another _problem.

Scene 12 - Deck 8. About 20 yellow shirts are fighting for dear life against the zombie NoNames, who are spitting radioactive acid at everything. Tener and Genocide are sort of standing back and trying not to get killed.

Tener - SORRY SIR BUT WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW!

Bang! Another zombie's head explodes, sending acid everywhere and melting a hole through the floor.

Genocide - This is NOT working. Phasers just aren't powerful enough.

He says as another NoName security guard dies in front of him.

Tener - Ok everyone fall back.. What do you mean? Phasers are working fine.

Genocide looks over and spy's a door.

Genocide - Hey, my quarters. Hold on I'll be right out.

He ducks into the room leaving Tener to deal with the whining NoNames. A few seconds and a half dozen yellow-shirts pass away and the wall explodes. Genocide comes out covered in kevlar and carrying an impact hammer in one hand and a nail gun in the other.

Genocide - OK WHO WANTS SOME?

All the zombies stop their dazed march and look over to him, then start running away.

Genocide - YEAHHHHHHHHHH!

He opens up with the nail gun and runs after the zombies. Every so often the sound of the impact hammer banging can be heard.

Tener - Ok Tener to Senseless. Situation under control. What is it you want me to do?

Senseless - Ok good. It seems Chester has abducted our captain.

Tener - What do you want me to do about it?

Senseless - Oh I don't know, just thought I'd let you know. You know, keep you in the loop and everything I WANT YOU TO GO GET HIM YOU PEDANTIC DRONE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK?

Tener - Fine. Sheesh. I'd think you'd be happy to have him gone.

Senseless - Yeah, well, Starfleet Command doesn't exactly take kindly to us losing Captains and not at least trying to get them back.

Tener - Fine! I'm on my way to transporter room 3 right now. Tener out. God damn it. Come on boys.

Scene 13 - Bridge of the OSS Scratchingpost. Righteous is chained to the wall and Chester is interrogating him.

Chester - Ok for the last fing time, what is the prefix code that gives me access to the controls of the U fing S fing S fing Celestial!

Righteous - And for the last time I really don't know!

Chester - YOU'RE IT'S CAPTAIN FOR FURS SAKE!

Righteous - Yeah, who would have thunk it eh?

Chester - Alright, if questioning you won't work, we'll just hook you up to a Romulan Mind reader thingy and find out what you _do _know.

Righteous - Sounds like fun. Can I go first?

Chester - I just--! Never mind. Hey! You there! Hook him up!

A henchman puts a weird hat on Righteous' head and plugs it into a console. Chester goes over and looks at the display.

Chester - My God he wasn't kidding, he really doesn't know anything. Ok guess we'll just have to kill him or something.

Henchman #2 - Why don't we just hold him hostage and demand a ransom.

Righteous - What's a ransom?

Chester - Good idea. You get to live for a day or so. Contact the USS Saratoga.

Captain Farfetched's face appears on the main viewer.

Farfetched - Son of a jackass!

Chester - We have your beloved Captain Righteous over here and you aren't going to get him back unless you meet our demands!

Henchman #3 - Um, sire?

Chester - Not now, I'm gloating. So as I was saying, we want the Saratoga, the Celestial, and fifty of your most experiences NoNames to run them.

Henchman #3 - Sire!

Chester - Shut up! Captain, you will hand over all top secret documents and half of your replicator rations immediately or we will kill Lee here.

Righteous - Hi guys!

Chester - Zip it bozo.

Henchman #3 - SIRE! YOU'RE ATTENTION PLEASE!

Chester - WHAT!

Tener - I believe this is yours. Sorry I took so long reading it.

Just as Chester turns toward the door at the back of the room, a copy of "Larry Pothead and the Half-Assed Prince" hits him square in the face, knocking him backyards.

Tener - Normally I'd have reservations about beating the stuffing out of a fluffy animal, but I like dogs more so f you.

Chester - The hell you will. Men, get them!

Tener's five person security team starts shooting randomly around the room, hitting everything from the ceiling fan to the fuzzy dice over the viewscreen. Unfortunately for Tener, he brought some recent Academy graduates, who haven't learned the art of ducking and dodging phaser blasts yet. His entire team is wiped out down to the last man...who survived only because he ran in terror after his phaser jammed. Chester, fortunately, has a security squad who have the aim of the Storm Troopers and can't hit the broad side of a barn. They too are obliterated...mostly by Tener's shooting and Chester's wrath when they failed to hit anything.

Righteous - Good show. Can I go now? I think I hear the wormhole opening.

Tener - Don't worry I came to get you out of here sir.

Chester - Stop!

Tener stops untying Captain Righteous and looks over at Chester.

Tener - You wanted something?

Chester - I want your ship and I intend to have it! I WILL have it if it's the last thing I do.

Tener - Well it very might well be considering the shape it's in.

Chester - You won't get away with this, I'll stop you.

Tener - First, that's not something the antagonist is supposed to say to the protagonist, and secondly, you and what army?

Chester starts smirking. Tener get's board and goes back to freeing the Captain.

Farfetched - GUYS! Forgetting about me? Hello? Ah screw it. Garsh, cut communications.

Chester - Good now that he's gone and you're in a more comfortable position, let me show you my army.

A bunch of zombies walk out of the turbolift and approach Tener.

Chester - After I promised them they could have all of my enemies to chew on, they pledged their loyalty to me and have been serving me since. At least, they did until you almost wiped them out and stole ALL MY LATINUM!

Righteous - I'm no ghost hunter, but I don't see how zombies will be able to take over the Federation.

Chester - No, they're just the police. Starfleet itself will take over the Federation for me.

Righteous - If you're referring to that Prophet damned Windows software, we removed it.

Geeky Voice - That's the great thing about Windows, it CAN'T be removed once it's installed.

A chair swivels around revealing Dr. Will Doores.

Tener - AH! A PLOT TWIST!

Doores - They promised me billions of bars of gold pressed latinum. Hell, having ten billion already isn't enough for one person to live off of. I needed more. No hard feelings, but I'm afraid your ship is going to try and kill you now.

Righteous - Righteous to Celestial, one to beam over.

Righteous disappears in the standard Starfleet transporter beam like thing.

Tener - Grrr...Tener to Celestial. Beam me over too please.

Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Senseless jumps up and hands the Captain's chair over to Righteous who walks in giving fake smiles to NoName dime a dozen crew members.

Senseless - Sir! Windows just came back online. We've lost control of the ship!

Center - The Saratoga is going haywire as well sir.

Righteous - Oh yeah, forgot about that. The kitty cat said something about zombies, then zombies showed up and circled us, then that nice computer guy showed up, then Tener yelled "AH! A PLOT TWIST!", and then we beamed aboard. A full day as far as I'm concerned.

Bios - Stupid thing just won't die. Looks like I'll have to do it the old fashioned way. Lieutenant Bios to Ensign NoName #6. Report to the main computer room at once and bring a phaser rifle.

Bios leaves the bridge. As she enters the turbolift Genocide comes out covered in blood.

Genocide - Intruders neutralized, sir.

Center - Good cause we're about to have a close encounter with the front of the Saratoga.

They all look at the viewscreen where the Saratoga can be seen on a collision course with the Celestial.

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the OSS Scratchingpost, Chester, Doores, and a zombie who can be only identified by his name tag as "That Maintenance Guy" are looking at the viewscreen.

Chester - I've got twenty bars that says the Celestial takes less damage.

Zombie #1 - Nah. Saratoga will plow right through them.

Doores - I bet twenty bars they'll both be destroyed. Windows is like that. Thorough.

They all watch as the two ships accelerate towards each other.

On the Celestial's bridge...

Senseless - All hands, brace for a very painful impact.

Righteous - Prophets prophets prophets prophets prophets prophets! PLEASE! HELP US!

Bridge of the Saratoga...

Shelby - All hands brace for impact.

Farfetched - ...Damn this is going to hurt a lot.

Meanwhile, in the Celestial Temple, the Prophets are watching this all unfold on their big screen TV.

Sisko - Watch this, this ought to be good!

The ships are now less than a kilometre apart.

Righteous, Senseless, Center, Baque, Genocide, Greaser, Tener, Stoner, Bios, Puker - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, Scratcher - AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tonnes and Tonnes of NoNames - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Guy who drew "The Scream" - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Foomp!

The two ships hit and bounce off each other, thanks to the holographic rubber bumper that was projected around the Celestial at the last second.

Bridge of the Scratchingpost...

Chester - NO! GOD DAMN IT! FIRE! **DESTROY THEM!**

Celestial's bridge. All the senior staff open their eyes and see on the viewscreen, "Windows is totally unable to cope with unexpected or highly improbable events. That is why Windows will now crash, delete itself, and reinitialize your other, less perfect, operating system."

Righteous - Yay! Prophets saved us!

Senseless - Mr. Genocide, target the Scratchingpost and fire at will.

Genocide - With pleasure sir.

The Celestial blows a few holes in the Scratchingpost's stardrive section before Chester's idiot henchmen fire back.

Center - Shields at 73.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Shields at 52. Whatever they're using is really starting to hurt us.

Baque - Thank you Ensign Obvious. My God all you do is point out the obvious. Here, let me take Ops you pathetic moron.

Baque starts to walk toward the rear left corner of the bridge where the Ops console is.

Rest of Bridge Crew - NO!

Baque flinches, looks back at his console and his eyes go wide.

_**CRUNCH!**_

The Celestial broadsides the zombie ship and their port nacelles get tangled up and both break off. Camera goes to Engineering. Greaser is standing amid a shower of sparks looking at a gaping hole in the port side of the warp core where the severed nacelle ripped out the port warp plasma conduit.

Greaser - There goes _my_ shore leave!

Camera is on the bridge.

Genocide - Torpedo launchers are offline. Phasers are at 10.

Righteous - What if we concentrated our phasers on that weird hood ornament in a single burst?

Center - The Scratchingpost's shields are still at 23. I doubt it would do much damage.

Baque - Hood ornament! What kind of stupid idea is that!

Righteous - Well it knocked them off our tail last time.

Senseless - PLEASE don't tell me we're going to have to pull another Picard. We JUST got this ship fixed.

Center - I don't see any way to win this battle sir. The zombie ship is harassing the Saratoga who are badly damaged as well. We won't survive many more shots sir.

Senseless - Fine! Prepare to ram the Syndicate ship!

Baque - Wait! What's that!

A large Federation starship drops out of warp and opens fire on the zombie ship and the Scratchingpost with quantum torpedoes.

Bridge of the Scratchingpost...

Chester - What in that name of all that is furry is that thing!

Henchman #4 looks at his console and sees the tactical readout of the newcomer.

Henchman #4 - Oh, poo.

Camera goes out into space where the Flourish Class starship fires a powerful assault phaser at the Scratchingpost and blows a hole straight through the saucer section.

Bridge of the Scratchingpost...

Chester - RETREAT! GET US THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

The remains of the Scratchingpost turn around and go to warp.

Bridge of the Celestial...

Senseless - Identify that ship!

Center - It's the USS Litterbox! Admiral Spot's flagship!

Righteous - Kitty! Hail them!

Beep!

Admiral Spot appears on the main viewer.

Spot - I'm going after Chester. You get yourselves and the Saratoga to Starbase 335 to get fixed. God damn it I can't leave for ten minutes without you bozos blowing yourselves up!

Righteous - But what about the–

Beep!

Righteous - Zombies...Oh well. I'm sure we've heard the last from them.

Sure enough...

Center - MASSIVE TRANSPORTER ACTIVITY! ALL OVER THE SHIP!

Ten zombies materialize on the bridge. The crew all pull out phasers and start blasting around the place. Genocide just stands at his console thinking to himself. Then he lights up, sticks up his index finger, and pulls out a pack of Mentos, and pops one into his mouth. Next, he pulls out a Gatling phaser and yells:

Genocide - EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Everyone in the room ducks and covers their heads.

Genocide - ...Everyone except the zombies I mean...

The zombies all give a little laugh and stand back up. Genocide starts the phaser up and fires around the room, cutting to pieces everything he hits. As soon as the zombies are all dead, he blows the turbolift door to pieces and jumps into the shaft.

Genocide - Happy Thanksgiving, fers!

Scene 15 - Starbase 142. Briefing room on the Starbase. Only Righteous and Senseless are present.

Righteous - Captain's log, supplemental. Well, we accidentally went to the wrong Starbase, but I blame the zombies, who are now all dead as far as we know. Chances are though we haven't seen the last of them. Oh well. Oh, Captain Farfetched, I didn't see you come in. Oh yeah, end log.

Farfetched - My ship's in a million pieces right now so I'm over here to use the washroom. Can one of you jackasses point me in the right direction?

Senseless - Out the door and twenty metres down on your left.

Farfetched - Oh. Well, I'm not the janitor so it's not my mess in the broom closet then. So how's the repairs going?

Senseless - Pretty good. We managed to fix the warp core and get a new nacelle. We should be done in a few days. Plenty of time for shore leave.

Farfetched - I just wanted to thank you for saving our asses back there, with the whole rubber bumper and all.

Righteous (beaming) - It was my idea to install one!

Farfetched - Must have been quite a challenge placing my ship in a good orbit using only your forward tractor beam.

Senseless - Would've been harder if your engines hadn't helped the little they did..

Farfetched - Err...My ship's engines are broken.

Righteous - Oh...

Garsh - Lieutenant-Commander Garsh to Captain Farfetched, we've got a little problem.

Farfetched - Where are you! Is the ship alright?

Garsh - You tell him.

NoName # 7 (faintly, from farther away) - No you tell him!

Farfetched - One of you jackasses had better tell me where you are and is the ship alright, right this instant!

Garsh - Um...On the planet's surface, and no.

Farfetched - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

THE END

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Protect only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	11. Celestial 11

Celestial 11 - The Search For Spot

Started October 11th, 2005.

Finished November 8th, 2005

One right into another...man I have no life...

This one took way to long.

Scene 1 - On some beach with yellow water and about twenty moons circling it. Twenty _big_ moons. Yeah, just imagine the tides...Anyway, our heros are all lounging in the suns whilst on their shore leave. Righteous is trying to make a wormhole out of sand and rocks, Puker and Stoner are operating on a turtle-like thing, Baque is driving a speedboat much faster than it should ever be driven, and Greaser is in the hang glider attached to it.

Greaser - GOD DAMN IT TOC SLOW DOWN! I THINK I JUST SAW A WARP FLASH!

Genocide - Should they really be doing that sir?

Senseless - Probably not but as long as they don't steer into anything I guess it's fine.

Genocide - No I mean without arming themselves. What if a Borg scout ship attacked them?

Senseless - (Groan)

Senseless covers his face with his hands as Tener and Center run past shooting each other with phasers.

Bios - Bios to Commander Senseless.

Senseless - Senseless here. This had better not be work related cause we're all on shore leave down here.

Bios - With all due respect Commander shut up! While you're all whiling away the hours down there in the suns I'm stuck up here removing all that Windows sht from the main computer! I haven't got a moment's rest so don't jerk me around! There is an admiral coming to see us so get your ass up here and get back to work! My God I'm tired! Bios OUT!

Senseless - Well I guess I'd better tell everyone we need to pack up.

Genocide - Are you sure that's wise? Which would you prefer to face: An angry Admiral that has the power to make your life a living hell, or an angry bolion woman who has the power to kill you in your sleep?

Senseless - Good point. We'll say it's the Captain's orders.

Opening Credits - Theme song: Session by Linkin Park

Scene 2 - Shuttlebay. A type 6 shuttlecraft flies into the Celestial, does a 360, a barrel roll, three chin-ups, and lands upside down. The hatch breaks off and Senseless and Righteous peer inside.

Tom Paris - See? I told you I'd get you here on time, didn't I dad?

A very queasy Admiral Paris stumbles out of the shuttle and barfs on the floor.

Admiral Paris - I think I'd rather have been late. Get your ass back to the Prometheus.

Tom - Yes sir.

Tom Paris powers up the shuttle and takes off, scraping the hell out of the bottom of it as it nicks the top of the shuttlebay doors.

Admiral Paris - Is this room secure.

Senseless - As secure as it's going to get. Course, that would all change if we got a little more maintenance...

Admiral Paris - Admiral Spot has been taken prisoner by the Orion Syndicate. They are demanding a ransom or they will kill her. I want you to take the Celestial and go find them. Use whatever force is necessary to get back Starfleet's top admiral. Now, with that said, since it's _you_ guys going to save her, we've scheduled the funeral for next Thursday. Remember, full dress uniform.

Admiral Paris jumps in the nearest type 3 shuttle and flies away.

Long pause...

Righteous - Bugger...

Scene 3. The USS Celestial flies through a small debris field consisting of missing socks, toilet paper, and pizza crusts. All senior staff expect Tener and Stoner are on the bridge.

Righteous - Captain's Log: Stardate 435276.8. We have arrived at the last known location of Admiral Spot. Ahead of us lies the USS Litterbox, broken in two big pieces and floating through space, not getting repaired cause the crew are all playing cards. Why is that anyway? Who provided the cards? What is the meaning of life? These and many other questions we intend to find out. End log.

Righteous - How'd that sound?

Center - Award winning log, Captain.

Baque - It sucked royal dick. I could have recorded a better Captain's Log and I'm not even the Captain.

Righteous - And with that language you never will be, potty mouth. Hail the ships.

Genocide - Why are you looking at me? Get Ensign Center to do it.

Righteous - Oh yeah. Hail.

Center - Hailing frequencies open...They're not responding.

Baque - Try giving them more than two seconds to respond next time will ya?

Center - That's not what it says in the Academy Handbook.

Genocide - You _actually_ read that?

Center - I read it every night before I go to bed.

Beep! Captain Spot Jr's face appears on the main viewer.

Spot Jr. - You hailed?

Righteous - Yes, we did. We're here to find your mother. Need any help with the ship?

Senseless - What happened?

Spot Jr. - Well, it all started three days ago while we were playing some games on the bridge...

Flashback. Bridge of the USS Litterbox. Admiral Spot, Captain Spot Jr, NoName Cat #1, and NoName #1 are all playing twister. Admiral Spot is reading off the things they have to do.

Spot - Left front paw, green.

NoName Cat #1 - They need to make these things smaller.

NoName #2 - Ma'am, there is a ship approaching off the starboard bow. It's a Gorn destroyer.

Admiral Spot - Real funny guys, everyone knows the Gorn haven't been heard from in over a century.

NoName #2 - Good point. So whose up for a game of go fish?

All the cats raise their paws.

NoName #2 - Ok, I'll go get the cards.

NoName #2 leaves the bridge and never comes back because he's useless and stupid and a NoName dime-a-dozen yellow shirt and...sorry. Anyway, the rest of the creatures on the bridge continue to play twister when all of a sudden there is a huge CRASH! And everything goes flying across the room.

Spot - Son of a bitch, Captain!

Spot Jr. - Um ma'am you just called yourself...

Spot - Shut up and get back to work! Report!

NoName #1 - The entire ship has been sliced clean in two! Main power is offline!

NoName Cat #1 - The Gorn ship has rammed us!

NoName #3 - Ma'am, there's a really big ugly looking ship approaching us at full impulse!

Spot - Shields to maximum...err what's left of them.

NoName #1 - I can't ma'am, I don't know how!

Spot - My god this crew is almost as incompetent as Righteous' , Shields' and Picard's.

NoName Cat #1 - Ma'am I have a positive identification on the incoming ship. It's the OSS Scratchingpost.

Admiral Spot - Arm weapons. Target their warp core. Full phaser volley on my mark.

Spot Jr. - Ready ma'am.

Spot - Fire!

On board the OSS Scratchingpost, Chester is caught totally by surprise as the seemingly crippled dreadnought blows a hole in the stardrive of the retrofitted galaxy class ship.

Henchman #1 - Sire, our weapons are offline–

Back to the present.

Baque - Now wait just a minute. How the hell would you possibly know what was going on onboard the Scratchingpost?

Captain Spot Jr. - I'M TELLING THE STORY! Now, as I was saying, Henchman #1 told Chester that their weapons were offline, so Chester ordered them to beam aboard all the cats on the ship. They only got mom before we took out their transporters. They hightailed it to warp, and the Gorn stayed behind to finish us off.

Righteous - So where are they now?

Spot Jr. - I don't know, our sensors are down.

Righteous - No, I meant the Gorn.

Spot Jr. - Oh, we threatened to send a quick message to their insurance companies telling them of the incident. They backed off rather than face high insurance prices. Having collision on your ships in the Gorn Star Alliance is the law you know.

Senseless - Well, our medical personal will treat your wounded, and our engineering staff will get to work...um...putting your ship back together.

Puker and Greaser - We will?

Righteous - Yes, now get to it. And we have to go now, cause all this talking is tying up this week's episode of Sisko and Friends.

Genocide - ...Knew I should've blown the wormhole up the last time we were there...

Scene 4 - Senseless is in his quarters reading a PADD and drinking a cup of coffee. As he lifts the mug to his mouth to take a sip, he glances out the window. The sight makes him spit his coffee all over the PADD, for out the window, the USS Litterbox can be seen being duct taped back together. Senseless runs out of his quarters and takes off down the corridor. Five minutes later, he approaches Lieutenant Commander Greaser, who is in the shuttlebay, supervising the loading of repair shuttles.

Senseless - Um, Lieutenant, would you mind telling me why your teams are taping the USS Litterbox back together?

Greaser - Cause I told them too. It's amazing how the words "Last one done is a dead man" will get people moving.

Senseless - Ok, would you care to tell me why you told everyone here it's OK to duct tape a 1.3 kilometer long billion metric tonne Federation dreadnought back together?

Greaser - It's amazing what you can do with a little duct tape. I've been using it to fix hull breaches on the Celestial for years.

Senseless - Those were minor! Well, most of them anyway. We're talking about fixing the neck of this ship, a section that contains ten decks and tonnes of plasma conduits!

Greaser - Oh I intend to connect up the power grid the normal way. It's just easier and faster to use duct tape on the hull sections.

Senseless looks away toward a shuttle which is out and moving toward the Litterbox, towing a five metre long box behind it.

Senseless - How much of this stuff are you planning to use?

Greaser - As much as it takes. Oh, I almost forgot. I need your authorization to shut down life support and reroute the power to the industrial replicators.

Senseless just turns and walks away, muttering:

Senseless - Seven more years till retirement, seven more years till retirement...

Scene 5 - The camera is in space looking at a huge ball of gray stuff with two parts of a ship sticking out of it at odd angles. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Righteous - This is what I call a job well done.

Greaser - I couldn't agree more.

Tener - Will that thing...fly?

Genocide - Oh we'll make it fly.

Center - Hey why did we need this ship to look for Admiral Spot anyway?

Baque - Cause she'd kill us if we lost it.

Senseless - Exactly. Mr. Baque, set a course for Orion, warp 7.

Baque - Aye sir.

Greaser - That was a first.

Dr. Puker quickly hides the bottle of Ritilin behind his back as the ship goes to warp.

Scene 6 - The OSS Scratchingpost flies through space.

Chester - Space...a lucrative frontier... These are the voyages of the warship, Scratchingpost...It's continuing mission...To corrupt strange, new worlds...To seek out new deals, and new business opportunities...To boldly do what no one's been morally inept enough to do before!

The ship goes to warp for about a second then drops out and sits stationary. On the bridge.

Chester - Ok good. That was kinda starting to get boring anyway. I think we've beat this opening credits gag to a bloody pulp with lead pipes long enough.

He walks over to a cage which houses Admiral Spot.

Chester - What do you think of our new wallpaper? I particularly like the floral plaid but I guess we could have gone with the navy blue too. Matches the consoles and the henchmen's uniforms quite nicely.

Spot - You are one sick idiot.

Chester - _You're_ the one behind the bars.

Spot - Exactly, you moron. What do you plan to do with me anyway?

Chester - Oh you haven't heard my master evil plan yet?

Spot - No, but I have a feeling you'll tell me anyway.

Chester - Ha ha! You'll have to beg me first.

Spot - I stand corrected.

Spot lies down and goes to sleep.

Chester - Wha..FINE!

Spot wakes up, snickering.

Chester - I intend to charge the Federation over a billion bars of gold pressed latinum for you. They're so intent on making a life priceless that they're sure to fork it over. Once I have the money, I intend to fully conquer the Gorn Empire and build up a large and lethal armada of warships. With them, I'll destroy Romulas, Quo'nos, and Earth and Vulcan! Oh yeah, Caradassia and Breen too. And the other Federation worlds...And Remus...and Rura Pentae...Did I forget one?

Spot - Nope, I think that about covers it.

Chester - My plan is brilliant, isn't it?

Spot - Well, I do see a few problems. Firstly, Romulas and Remus should be easy enough to blow up, seeing as the Romulans are incompetent, if Commander Spronk is any indication. Secondly, the Breen will be a challenge to take. Starfleet and the Klingon empire has found it impossible to get into the Breen home system, much less near the heavily fortified Breen home world. Thirdly, We recently upgraded Earth Spacedock with massively powerful weapons in response to the Borg threat, and you'd have to deal with it first. The klingons will probably ram into your ships rather than let you enter the Quo'nos system, and the Cardassians are idiots so I don't give a damn if you kill them all. But other than that, good luck.

Chester - Ah but you haven't seen my super weapon yet...have you?

Spot - You mean that cheap copy of the V'Ger ship?

Chester - ...Yes...how'd you know about that?

Spot - Cause I was in a briefing a few days ago that went over the many weaknesses of that stupid ship. One being it has no shields and a hull the thickness of tissue paper!

Chester - I'm on a budget, give me a break!

Spot - You're the worst bad guy since Silik from Enterprise.

Chester - We'll see who gets the last laugh.

Henchman #2 - Sire, two Federation starships are approaching our position.

Spot - HA!

Henchman #2 - One is the Celestial...

Chester - HA!

Henchman #2 - And the other is...well, huge!

Spot - HA HA!

Henchman magnifies the two ships and everyone looks at the big ball of duct tape as it spins through space with the back section of the Litterbox sticking out the back of it and the front section sticking out the right side at a 45O angle.

Spot - Son of a bitch what the hell have they done to my ship!

Chester - HAAAAA HAAAAAAA!

Henchman #3 - Sire, we're being hailed.

Chester - On screen.

The viewscreen changes to a view of the Celestial's bridge. No one is sitting in the captain's chair and a paper air plane flies across the screen. After much cursing and name calling, a mad looking Captain Righteous Lee walks too his chair and faces the viewer.

Righteous - Ooh a kitty!

Chester - What do you want?

Righteous - Um, I don't know. Hey Commander, what did we want?

A hand comes out of nowhere and slaps the Captain on the back of the head. Senseless's voice can be heard from off screen.

Senseless - Lieutenant, mind the helm! Captain, we want Admiral Spot back...idiot...

Righteous - Yeah, we want our dear Fleet Admiral Spot back so she can boss us around some more. Hey Commander are you sure that's what we came here for again?

Senseless - Would you rather have Admiral Nelix bossing us around?

Chester - Since you're all about to die I'll tell you that for the last month or two Admiral Nelix has been working for me.

Spot - We know.

Chester - WHAT? HOW!

Senseless - He works on Jupiter Station for Christ's sake. You think we don't read and analyse every message that leaves the Sol system?

Chester (furiously) - Then why haven't you arrested him yet?

Spot - Because he has a few captain's being blackmailed and it's really fun to watch them squirm. Our "official" reason is that we're using him to gather intelligence about the Orion Syndicate. However, seeing how stupid you all are, we haven't come up with much.

Chester - Well it won't help you now! Henchman #1, FIRE ALL WEAPONS AT THE CELESTIAL!

Scene goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Righteous - Heh heh he. So predictable. Mr. Genocide, if you please...

Genocide - Firing!

The camera goes out into space where two tricobalt torpedoes fly away from the Celestial. One goes wild but the other slams into the deflector dish of the OSS Scratchingpost. Camera goes to the bridge of the Scratchingpost.

Henchman #1 - Forward shields are down to ten percent! They won't sustain another hit!

Chester - Get us out of here!

Henchman #2 - Which way!

Chester - PICK ONE YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR GOOD HELP!

The OSS Scratchingpost turns and goes to warp...right toward a black hole. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Center - They've gone to warp.

Baque - Again with stating the obvious...

Center - Shut up, it's my job!

Senseless - Pursuit course!

Baque - Umm...are you sure that's wise?

Righteous - Yes it is. Go to warp!

Baque - They just warped into the event horizon of a black hole.

Senseless - Just _had_ to get worse, didn't it?

Righteous - Well, DUH! We're only on page 11 for Christ's sake!

Center - They're slowing down! We can catch them.

Baque hits a button on his console and a holographic hand appears behind Ensign Center and smacks him on the back of the head.

Baque - IDIOT! That's a fing black hole! Of COURSE they're slowing down, the gravity in there is tremendous!

Senseless - Well every second we wait is about a minute for them, another minute they could be boring Admiral Spot with evil plans.

Righteous - Excellent. Go to warp.

Baque - If we make it out of this alive...

The Celestial goes to warp for about a second, then drops out.

Baque - We've entered the gravity well, it's impulse from here on in.

Senseless - Intercept the Scratchingpost, full impulse.

Baque - Fine...it'll take an hour or so though.

Bios - Well make it fast. According to the quantum clock, we're already losing out on off duty time.

Everyone looks at the nifty wall clock perched above the viewscreen (you know you hate working when...). Sure enough, the minute hand is moving about twice as fast as it should be moving.

Righteous - Don't worry, the Prophets work in mysterious ways...

Scene 7 - OSS Scratchingpost, bridge.

Henchman #2 - The Celestial is moving much faster than they should be!

Chester - Stupid relativity!

Spot - Way to go morons, you warped us right into a black hole.

Chester - Reverse course! All power to the engines!

Henchman #2 - No effect!

Chester takes out his phaser and shoots a guard at the back of the bridge.

Chester - I'M GETTING ANGRY!

Henchman #3 - Sire, calm down, please, you're going to kill us all!

Chester - I AM CALM!

Boom, ship rocks, no sparks.

Henchman #4 - A tractor beam has us!

Scene jumps to the USS Celestial's bridge.

Bios - Tension in the beam is at 105 of recommended maximum output!

Baque - It seems to be working.

Center - Actually, no, the OSS Scratchingpost is pulling US along with it.

Greaser - Engineering to bridge, what the hell are you people trying to do, rip the ship in two?

Senseless - Just keep the damn hull in one piece!

Greaser - Yes sir, you stupid son of a bitch...

Senseless - What was that?

Greaser - Uh, um, tonight we're watching Lilo and Stitch! Greaser out!

Righteous - Oh boy I love that movie.

Genocide - I have a torpedo lock on Chester's ship!

Bios - Make this quick we can't keep the tractor beam on much longer.

Baque - Where the hell is the Litterbox anyway? Shouldn't they be helping us?

Meanwhile, the USS Litterbox is under attack by some Gorn ships. On the bridge...

Captain Spot Jr. - Where the hell is the Celestial, shouldn't they be helping us?

Scene 8 - OSS Scratchingpost, bridge.

Chester - Prehaps we can use this to our advantage, prepare to lock a tractor beam on the Celestial! If we're going to die, they're coming with us!

BOOM! Ship lurches, consoles explode!

Henchman #1 - Shields are down! Shield generator offline!

Before Chester can bark an order or kill someone, he and Admiral Spot are beamed away.

Scene 9 - USS Celestial, bridge.

Center - Got 'em!

Righteous - Then let's get out of here! I wanna see Lilo and Stitch!

Baque - The ship's too heavy! The impulse engines can't move us fast enough to break free of the massive gravity well we've fallen down. We need to lose some weight if we're going to get out of here anytime soon.

Senseless - Genocide, get Tener, Stoner, and Puker and go to the shuttlebay and cargo bays. Jettison everything we don't need!

Genocide - Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Genocide leaves the bridge.

Righteous - Now what?

Senseless - Engineering, bridge. We need every ounce of power you can give us. Shut down all systems, life support even! Scrape the ions off the sonic showers if you have to.

Camera jumps to someone's quarters. A NoName is scraping the sides of the sonic shower with a chisel.

NoName #4 - ...Parents told me to fly the school bus, "Fly the bus." they said but did I listen? Noooooooo! I had to join Starfleet...mutter, mutter...

Scene 10 - Scene is in the shuttlebay. The doors are open to space and Lieutenant-Commander Genocide and Lieutenant Tener are throwing stuff out into space.

Tener - Shoe polishing kits. Need them?

Genocide - No, throw that out too.

Tener - Do it yourself hologenerators?

Genocide - Nah, get rid of 'em.

Tener - What about these?

Genocide - We need those like a hole in the head. Here, I'll give you a hand with _that_ one.

Genocide and Tener push a large crate full of Orbs of the Prophets out into space.

Tener - Hey who knew getting rid of the non-essentials would be so entertaining!

Genocide - It gets better. Stay here, I'm going to go find some non-essential personnel.

Scene 11 - Bridge. The ship is shaking violently but that's only because the cameraman drank a little too much coffee this morning. Only Baque is at his station because the rest of the bridge crew went to talk with Admiral Spot and Chester. Baque is tapping his fingers on the console and looking around the room.

Baque - Hey, kick ass! My shift is over according to this clock!

He gets up to leave and gets to the turbolift just as Lieutenant-Commander Greaser comes out.

Greaser - Where are you going. Lieutenant? Your shift started three minutes ago.

Baque - What! It just ended!

He looks at the quantum clock and sees that his off time, all 16 hours of it, has gone by in a flash.

Baque - God damn you Einstein! Damn you and your damn relativity!

Greaser - Where is everyone?

Baque - They went to interrogate Chester.

Greaser - Isn't the brig on the trailing edge of deck 12?

Baque - Yeah last time they sent me there it was.

Greaser - Which way is the ship pointed?

Baque - Away from the black hole. We should be clear of it in another few hours or so. The warp field won't engage this close so I have to use impulse engines and fight against gravity.

Greaser - So that means that...wait, let me do some quick calculations...that means that time is passing differently in the brig, where our bosses are!

Baque and Greaser look at each other.

Baque - Messhall?

Greaser - Yep.

They both get up and leave the bridge empty.

Scene 12 - Brig. Righteous, Senseless, Puker, Stoner, Center, Bios, Spot three NoNames (two guards, one console operator), and Chester are present. Chester is behind a forcefield as the rest of the crew are glaring at him.

Chester - I'll never talk! You'll have to kill me.

Righteous - Ok. Crewman, deplete the atmosphere behind the forcefield.

Chester - I didn't mean that literally you moron!

Spot - Well I think the Captain did. Crewman, proceed with atmosphere depletion.

They all look on in amusement as Chester expands like a balloon.

Chester (faintly) - OK I'LL TALK!

Spot - Crewman, replenish the air in there.

As Chester catches his blood, Center gets out a notepad and gets ready to write down everything Chester says.

Chester - What do you want to know?

Center - ...what...do...you...want...to...oh, never mind.

Spot - Tell us what deal you made with the Gorn and why they agreed to help you?

Chester - Didn't I already tell you?

Bios - Actually ma'am I think he did. Back in scene six. Something about conquering the Gorn Empire and using their ships to attack us.

Spot - Oh yeah, and then I said your secret weapon sucks and we know about Admiral Nelix's defection and then the rest of you showed up.

Righteous - Yep, I'd like to think I've made a difference here today.

Senseless - So, the bad guy is in our custody, we've safe from the black hole, the USS Litterbox is taking care of the Gorn, and everyone's happy. What now?

Chester - How bout letting me go?

Righteous - Okay!

Spot - Belay that order! Shut up Captain.

Righteous - Okay...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Spot - Son of a dog!

Senseless - Bridge! Report!

No answer...KA-BOOM! Ship lurches, lights flicker, everything is thrown around the room and the shit hits the fan...literally.

Stoner - Some illogical bastard neglected to flush the toilet. Now it's gotten into the ventilation system and is being distributed all over the room.

Puker - Thank you for that enlightening commentary. Let's get to sickbay. Something tells me there's going to be a lot of death reports to fill out today.

Senseless - Something's wrong on the bridge, no one's answering. Everyone, get up there. NOW!

Spot - DOUBLE TIME!

Righteous - Wait, are we allowed to do that?

All the senior staff, including Admiral Spot and that stupid NoName leave the room.

Chester - Hey! What about me? Can't I even get a TV to watch this on or something?

Scene 13 - Messhall. Greaser and Baque pick themselves up and look out the window. Pieces of hull can be seen as can the accretion disk of the black hole.

Baque - Ohhhh..shit!

Scene 14 - All the bridge officers pile onto the bridge and look at the fried consoles which are smouldering in the front of the room.

Righteous - Well, we tried this approach. Now everyone to the shrine so we can pray for forgiveness and hope to the Prophets we can still get into the Celestial Temple even though the ship and everyone on it is about to be compressed into a space no bigger than a photon.

Senseless - Battle bridge.

Baque - What! I JUST got up here! Whatever caused this is seriously going to pay.

Scene 15 - Main engineering. Greaser runs out of the nearby turbolift and starts bitching about things.

Greaser - WHAT HAPPENED!

She rounds the corner and enters main engineering.

Greaser - Oh...bugger.

For before her is a huge hole that goes from the dorsel hull above deck 11 to the bottom of deck 20, five metres in diameter and surrounded by forcefields. Oh and this hole happens to be where the warp core once stood. The chard remains of yellow-shirts litter the floor and the carpet is burnt off.

Greaser - Um, battlebridge, we have a problem...

Scene 16 - Battle bridge. The bridge crew and Spot file in and take their stations.

Center - Captain! Chester is gone! Someone beamed him out!

Righteous - Oh well I never liked him anyway.

Admiral Spot - Idiot! Damage report!

Center - All systems are offline. It looks like something went straight through the hull and took out the warpcore.

Spot - Does the Orion Syndicate have anything that is capable of doing that?

Senseless - No, they don't. I don't know of anything in the Alpha Quadrant that can do that, much less this close to a black hole.

Baque - Speaking of event horizons...ten minutes till structural collapse.

Spot - Pour every ounce of power into the impulse engines!

Baque - It's not enough! We're still being pulled in!

Genocide - I have the causality report if anyone wants to see it.

Righteous - Anyone we know?

Genocide - Not on the first page, so probably not.

Senseless - Looks like you'd better add our names to that list too...

Camera goes out of the ship and views the Celestial as it hits the event horizon and freezes in time.

Scene 17 - Lieutenant Tener opens his eyes and looks around himself. Everything is white and he can hear a heart beating somewhere. Then it stops. Then it flutters a little and regains the rhythmic beating again.

Tener - Hello?

Righteous - The Tener is confused.

Tener - Captain?

Senseless - He is linear. He cannot understand.

Tener - Commander? What's going on?

Genocide - His linear existence has ended.

Tener - Oh, so I am dead...This is what I get for standing next to the warp core, isn't it?

Greaser - He will stay with us.

Tener - But I don't want to stay with you.

The scene changes to a blurry and bright view of the bridge of the Celestial.

Tener - Ok not funny. Send me back.

Righteous Prophet - He does not understand.

Tener - You haven't tried to tell me yet!

Senseless - He is the only one who will join us.

Tener - I'm not a scientist! Someone tell me what's going on here!

Senseless Prophet - You are with us now.

Tener - Well this sucks.

Sisko - Hey guys! Baseball game? Did you all forget?

Righteous Prophet (under his breath) - Son of a Pah Wraith...

Sisko - Oh hi.

Tener - Hi sir.

Sisko - How did you get here?

Tener - I was standing next to the warp core on deck 14 and next thing I knew I was here.

Sisko - Ah oh...Where exactly were you just now? The ship, I mean.

Tener - Next to a black hole. Why?

Sisko - I see..., everyone turn to channel 7. I've got a bad feeling about this.

Binky Prophet grabs the remote and aims it and the big-screen-wormhole-shaped television set. The view changes to show the USS Celestial being torn apart at the subatomic level.

Righteous Prophet - Not good.

Senseless Prophet - We must intervene.

Tener - WOULD SOMEONE WITH A SENSE OF TIME PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!

Sisko - That blackhole happens to be our garbage dump, and also the back door into the Celestial Temple. If the ship is sucked in, your entire crew will end up here for all eternity.

Tener - Including Righteous I assume.

Sisko - ...yes...unfortunately. Anyway, it was nice being paid to appear on this episode but we have to save the universe now. Ta ta.

FLASH!

Camera goes out into space as the USS Celestial is thrown clear of the black hole. A bunch of crap happens and the ship sort of fixes itself. Camera goes to the bridge.

Righteous - Wtf?

Senseless - What happened?

Baque - We were thrown clear of the black hole!

FLASH! Tener appears on the bridge.

Tener - Gee thanks for forgetting about me! AGAIN!

Righteous - Oh yeah! Him! Sorry! Want some porridge?

Tener - Porridge?

Righteous - Yes, I do believe a bowl of porridge is appropriate for everyone. After all, we did save the universe.

Spot - You idiots, all you managed to do was save my life, wreck my ship, ruin my mood, and ruffle my fur!

Greaser - Comb?

Spot - Why thank you–

She shoots a confused glance at Greaser.

Puker and Stoner enter the bridge.

Puker - Well as I always say, all's well that ends well. We saved Admiral Spot, Chester and his ship are stuck near the event horizon of a black hole, the Gorn are nowhere to be found, the USS Litterbox is all taped up nicely, and we have an excuse to remodel half the ship.

Center - Why's that?

Stoner - There is a large hole going through the ship.

Genocide - So I guess this means we can all finish our shore leave, right?

Bios - Yeah, and this time I'm coming too! Lieutenant Baque, set a course for Starbase 142, maximum warp.

Baque - The warp core is gone in case you haven't noticed.

Bios - Well get the auxiliary one in place pronto! My eyes are bulging out of my head because I've been staring at a blue screen of death for about two weeks.

Baque - Greaser - The auxiliary core is online but only at one third power. We can do warp 5 if we need to.

Bios - Good, now let's get back to the beach.

Spot - Not so fast! You jerks ruined my ship so I'm using yours! Helm, take us to Deneb VII, warp 5! I have a knitting contest to attend and I intend to attend it and be extended a large ball of yarn! NOW GO!

Bios - God damn it!

THE END

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Protect only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	12. Celestial 12

Celestial 12 - The Bitter Aftertaste of Victory

By Swordtail

Started November 13, 2005

Finished November 22, 2005

Adventures with Binky the Mistreated Targ

This week we find our protagonist moving through a subspace flexure at approximately 68 miles per hour. He emerges from the portal and lands in the middle of a big field of petunias, surrounded by twenty of the meanest looking nausicans you've ever seen. One of the nausicans turns to another and says:

Nausican #1 - Anyone up for roast pork?

Binky, having the misfortune of being injected with a faulty universal translator during his time with the Borg, thinks the nausican was saying something about leather boots and decides to let his guard down. The nausicans decide to beat Binky to a bloody pulp with lead pipes. Semi-fortunately for Binky, he is swallowed by a temporal portal just as he is about to kick the bucket. In his place appears Captain Righteous Lee, who the nausicans also decided to eat...

Scene 1 - Captain Righteous's quarters, USS Celestial. Righteous awakes with a jolt.

Righteous - GAHHH! NO! NOT A FIELD OF PETUNIAS!...Oh, it was just a dream...

He lies back down and is almost asleep when his combadge goes off.

Baque - Captain, wake up! The ship is entering a field of petunias! _MAN-EATING_ PETUNIAS!

Righteous jumps up screaming and hits his head off the top of the window frame, knocking himself out.

Camera goes to the bridge, where a scowling Ensign Center looks on as Lieutenant Baque and Lieutenant-Commander Genocide are rolling on the floor laughing.

Center - When he comes to he's going to be very mad. He'll probably demote you and promote me...I hope.

Baque - Hey, it was his suggestion to put an open commlink in his quarters. We're just taking advantage of the otherwise boring situation.

Genocide - Reading Adventures with Binky the Mistreated Targ to him was a brilliant idea. Let's try Dawn of the Dead next time.

Center - It's not a good idea to screw with the Captain. You're on duty you know.

Baque - It's not like we're doing anything right now...

Camera zooms outside the ship and pans around a large armada of damaged Federation and Klingon starships. Some have pieces of Breen ships stuck in their hulls, other's are being towed, and some are just careening through space with no power whatsoever, but no one's noticed yet. Camera goes to the USS Litterbox, which is still wrapped in duct tape but with a little less of a bend to it. On the Litterbox's bridge.

Admiral Spot - How much longer till we reach Starbase 358 at our current speed?

NoName #1 - 1,345,243 years, 4 months, 18 days, and 9 hours. Give or take a second or two.

Admiral Spot - Damn it! Go to warp!

Captain Spot Jr. - But mom, what about the ships that can't go to warp yet?

Admiral Spot - Well extend the warp bubble around them then. I'm not missing out on that meeting with the President because the ships can't go faster than the speed of light!

Captain Spot Jr. - Aye, aye mom. USS Litterbox to all ships. Prepare to go to warp.

Meanwhile on the Celestial...

Baque - Three Vulcans walk into a bar and order some blood wine. The bartender gives them a funny look at first but then proceeds with the order. While he is rummaging around looking for some bloodwine the Vulcans–

Beep!

Captain Spot Jr. - USS Litterbox to all ships. Prepare to go to warp.

Baque - Damn it!

Genocide - Fers!

Center - Yay!

Genocide whips out a phaser and fires at Ensign Center, but a NoName walks in between the tactical and ops stations at the last moment and is vaporized.

Genocide - Odd, the phaser was on heavy stun, not full power.

Baque - Yeah well, you know how NoNames are. One minute they're there, the next they're not. Preparing to go to warp.

Genocide - Hmmm...I should probably do something about that stain...

He presses a button and a little robot comes out with a mop and bucket and starts scrubbing the carpet where the NoName once stood.

Baque - Well, time for the credits.

Opening credits. And then some commercials that tell you how hard it is to live without a certain product that no one needs or wants anyway. Oh yeah, the them song is Session.

Scene 2 - Starbase Who Gives a Damn. Admiral Spot, Captain Righteous, and Captain Farfetched are sitting around a table.

Spot - Now as I was saying before we were rudely interrupted by that Starbase Name Changing Ceremony, the Ninth Fleet is off the front lines to be repaired and retrofitted. If the Orion Syndicate has a Borg cutting beam, chances are it will only be a matter of time before they sell it to the Breen.

Farfetched - Those jackasses!

Spot - Yes, indeed. Anyway, there's a conference on Riata III about subspace communicators that I expect all captain's in the ninth fleet to attend.

Righteous - Can I be demoted?

Spot - I'd love to but Commander Senseless is this close to having a nervous breakdown as it is and the last thing he needs is the extra stress of being in charge of the Celestial.

Farfetched - I'm assuming we're taking the USS Litterbox?

Spot - No, we still need to fix it. There are 347 ships in the Ninth Fleet, give or take one or two, but seeing as we've never named any of them or their captains, I'm just going to take you two and your EXO's with me in a shuttle to the conference.

Righteous - Which shuttle?

Spot - It doesn't matter.

Righteous - Yes it does. The Prophets say we can only travel in certain craft so you see it does matter a lot.

Spot - Fine we'll take the fing captain's yacht from the Celestial! Happy now?

Righteous - Yes ma'am.

Farfetched - Who's driving?

Righteous - Lieutenant Baque can.

Spot - I promised myself I'd never step foot on another ship he was at the helm of ever again. Farfetched, one of your no-name dime a dozen helmpersons can take us.

Righteous - Can I take one of my orbs?

Spot and Farfetched - NO!

Righteous - Well it's not up to you is it? After all, it's my ship.

Spot takes a PADD, hits some buttons, and slides it across the table to Righteous.

Spot - According the Starfleet constitution, it's actually _my_ ship.

Farfetched - Um, ma'am, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Spot - Yeah?

Farfetched - How come you're commanding the Ninth Fleet? I though you were placed in charge of Starfleet Command?

Spot - I was and am. However, Admiral Nelix is completely incompetent and untrustworthy so I've decided to take a more active role in your affairs.

Farfetched - I wouldn't call him untrustworthy...

Spot - If your referring to him blackmailing you with that photo of you slipping on a banana peel and slamming your face into a bowl of potato leak soup, we know about that.

Farfetched - Son of a bitch!

Righteous - Don't fret too much about it. That kind of thing happens to me all the time.

Farfetched - Gee thanks that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Righteous - I know! Isn't it great to get these things out in the open?

Spot - Lee?

Righteous - Yes ma'am?

Spot - Shut up.

Righteous - Ok ma'am.

Righteous closes his mouth, sits back in his chair, and starts humming the Voyager theme song.

Spot - ...Yeah...whatever. Now, we leave at 0800 and don't be late.

Righteous - Can't we leave at 1100? I like to sleep in on Saturdays.

Spot - Tomorrow is Wednesday.

Righteous - Yes, but I'll probably be working on Saturday so I need to get all the sleep I can during the week.

Spot - Grrr...I don't care! We'll probably end up having to preform a site to site transport on you anyway.

Scene 3 - Sure enough, they've had to beam Righteous to the Captain's Yacht, not because he neglected to get up, but because he got lost on the way there. Spot, Righteous, Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Senseless, and a NoName sit at stations on the small bridge. They've put Righteous at the Communications Station so he can't hurt anyone.

Spot - NoName #2, begin separation sequence and prepare to go to warp.

NoName #2 - Yes ma'am.

Righteous - Alright! Road trip! This is gonna be awesome!

Spot - No captain, it is going to royally suck, but it's nice that you have all that enthusiasm. Now, NoName #2, set a course for Riata III, warp 5.

NoName #2 - Yes ma'am.

Farfetched - Well I think I'm going to go get some sleep. Something tells me that we'll probably be attacked before long and will not get a wink of down time for the rest of the episode.

Spot - Me too. NoName #2, alert me when we enter the Riata system.

NoName #2 - Yes ma'am.

Spot - Is that all you can say?

NoName #2 - ...Yes ma'am.

Scene 4 - USS Celestial, messhall. Tener, Blavik, Greaser, and Baque sit at a table.

Tener - Wait...didn't your name used to be Ensign Stoner?

Blavik - Yes it did.

Tener - Then why did you change it?

Blavik - It was the logical thing to do.

Tener - Riiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt...

Baque - Ok well here's one you'll like: Three Vulcans walk into a bar and order some bloodwine. The bartender gives them a odd look but proceeds with the order. While he is looking for some bottles of bloodwine, the Vulcan's all of the sudden get up and –

Senseless - Red alert! All hands to battle stations!

Baque - Son of a bitch!

Greaser - What? We're docked at a frelling starbase for sanity's sake! Who would dare attack us.

They all get up and push in their chairs (as a side note, each had tripped over chairs before so they've now decided to push them in) and look out the window.

Baque - Oh, shit!

Greaser - This is about the tenth time you've looked out the mess hall windows and said "oh shit."

Tener - Yeah, someone ought to clean the bird droppings off the hull out there I agree, but stop stating the obvious. That's Bob's job.

Baque smacks each of them on the back of their heads.

Baque - There's nothing I hate worse than bitchy bolions and ex-NoNames.

Greaser - Then why do you hang out with us?

Baque - Because I have no other friends!

Senseless - Bridge to Lieutenant Baque, get your lazy ass up here.

The four officers leave the room and the camera goes back to the messhall windows, showing the large Breen fleet still on an intercept course.

Scene 5 - Captain's Yacht. The NoName is still at the helm and Spot is sleeping behind her.

NoName #2 - MA'AM!

Spot jumps up and hisses.

Spot - WHAT!

NoName #2 - I'm detecting a tacheyon surge to starboard. A ship is decloaking!

Spot - Oh, so you _can_ say other things besides "yes ma'am." Identify the ship. All hands to stations.

NoName #2 - It's a Romulan Warbird! They have their weapons trained on us ma'am.

Spot - Red alert. Shields up!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks, the helm console explodes in a shower of sparks killing, NoName #2.

Spot - Damn it! Not again!

She hits a button and a panel in the ceiling opens. A stasis pod lowers and opens. Another NoName redshirt comes out.

NoName #3 - Yes ma'am?

Spot - Take the helm.

NoName #3 - Yes ma'am.

Farfetched, Shelby, Senseless, and Righteous enter the command centre and take their stations.

(No, I didn't forget that I just placed Senseless as still being on the Celestial...Ok, yes I did but I'm going to run with it, alright?)

Spot - Righteous, hail them!

Righteous - Ok I'll try.

A Romulan commander's face appears on the main viewer.

Romulan Commander - I am Commander Spliff and you are in violation of my bad mood. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.

Spot - I am Admiral Spot and you are in violation of our space _and_ my bad mood. Turn yourselves around or I'll decapitate your warbird and give you a swift kick in the ass!

Spliff - In case you hadn't noticed, our ship is bigger.

Spot - Yes I had noticed, but in case _you _hadn't noticed, we're the ones who aren't violating the neutral zone!

Spliff - If you don't lower your shields, we'll lower them for you!

Righteous - Oh that would be nice of you. Could you also make our beds and clean our rooms too? I mean, if you have time. I know you Romulans are always busy intimidating other races and all.

Spot - Shut up, Captain!

Farfetched - Ma'am, I have a lock on their weapons systems.

Spot - Fire!

Spliff looks around the his bridge and notices that nothing is happening.

Farfetched - Those jackasses have some pretty strong shields!

Boom! Ship rocks sparks!

Shelby - Our engines are offline, shields are at 10!

Spliff - I won't ask you again! Lower your shields or be destroyed!

Spot - You'll never take us alive! Righteous, end transmission!

Righteous - How do I do that again?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Shelby - Shields are at 1! We won't survive another hit!

Senseless - Life support is offline! Weapons are down!

Spot - Fine! We'll let you take us prisoner.

Spliff - Then lower your shields.

Spot - You first.

Spliff - No, you first!

Spot - FINE! Commander Shelby, lower shields!

Shelby - Lowering shields.

No sooner does she do this than 10 Romulan soldiers beam aboard and start beating the crew with lead pipes, knocking everyone out.

Scene 6 - Baque walks onto the bridge and takes his station. Then he looks around and sees Commander Senseless sitting in the captain's chair.

Baque - Commander?

Senseless - What now?

Baque - I thought you left with the Captain.

Commander - What? I was told to stay here.

Baque - No, I saw you enter the Captain's yacht.

Senseless - I haven't been in the captain's yacht since Dr. Puker tried to euthanise half the crew with carbon monoxide because of some weird contagious disease.

Baque - Then who went with the captain and the Admiral?

Bios - HELLO? WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS AT THE MOMENT!

Genocide - The Breen ships will enter weapons range in less than ten seconds!

Center - Counting, 56 ships.

Senseless - How many Federation ships are operational?

Center - Seven. The rest are either incompetent or offline.

Genocide - Weapons are armed. Ready to fire.

Out of nowhere a torpedo flies out of the Breen fleet and slams into the starbase, blowing a hole the size of a house in the side.

Genocide - Why I outta...LET ME AT 'EM!

Senseless - Attack pattern omega! Target the lead ships! Try to pull them away from the station and the mobile ship yards!

The battle begins as the Celestial, Saratoga, Litterbox, and various other crappy ships start blasting at the Breen fleet. On the bridge of the Celestial...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Got another one!

Senseless - Good work, Mr. Genocide.

Center - The Litterbox is hailing us. Audio only.

Senseless - Put it through.

Captain Spot Jr. - Celestial, Genocide, we need assistance against a Breen dreadnought attempting to break through to the colony in this system.

Senseless - Actually sir, I'm in charge of the Celestial.

Spot Jr - Jack? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you went with the Admiral?

Baque - So did I.

Senseless - We'll discuss this later. Right now we need to stop the–

WHAM! Ship lurches violently, consoles explode.

Baque - Some cheap bastard rammed us!

Genocide - I've lost the forward phaser array!

Senseless - Switch to auxiliary power and reroute the systems!

Genocide - No, I mean I've really lost it! I'm sure the button that selects it is on this console somewhere...Seems whenever they spark all the user settings I put on them revert to default!

BOOM!

Baque - We're venting plasma from the port nacelle!

Bios - Commander, the starbase's shields just went ka-blooie!

Center - We're being hailed by Captain Spot Jr.

Beep!

Spot Jr - All ships! Retreat and repair! We've lost this system.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Litterbox.

Spot Jr - NoName #4, hail the Breen ships!

Beep!

Spot Jr (in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression) - We'll be back!

NoName #4 - Sir! Incoming torpedo! It's aimed right at the bridge!

Spot Jr (still in that Governator voice) - Everybody get down!

Scene 7 - Righteous, Senseless, Shelby, Farfetched, and Spot all wake up and find themselves behind a Romulan forcefield.

Righteous - Cool! I love what they've done with the place!

Spot - This, is not, a good, day!

Farfetched - Could be worse.

Before the others can stop him from saying it, a couple Romulan thugs walk in and lower the forcefield.

Romulan Guard #1 - Yo, yo wassup!

Righteous - Where's our helmsman?

Romulan Guard #2 - He was gettin a little mouthy so we a popped a cap in his punk ass.

Shelby - You guys aren't good at this are you?

Romulan Guard #1 - No, not really.

He points to Captain Righteous.

Romulan Guard #1 - You. Come with us.

Righteous hops out of the room and follows the guards as they walk away. The camera watches them as they walk away.

Righteous - So...what's your religion?...

Farfetched - Well this is not good.

Spot - I'll say. We need to escape and warn Starfleet that we might have a Romulan problem now.

Farfetched - I was referring to our chances of being killed as soon as Righteous opens his stupid mouth.

Camera goes to watch Righteous as the guards escort him down the corridor.

Righteous - Do you like biscuits? I like biscuits, what do you think? I've always thought people who had a taste for biscuits were the most enlightened. Could be just a coincidence but maybe, just maybe, the biscuits are the food of the Prophets. Think they used to eat biscuits? Hello? I'm still being heard here right?

The guards roll their eyes and turn and open a door. They enter the laboratory where three Romulan scientists are working.

Righteous - Hi guys!

Scientist #1 - We're going to interface directly with your brain and download all your secrets.

Righteous - Sounds like fun. Can I go first?

Scientist - I just said– Never mind. Guards, put him in the chair.

Righteous - If you want secrets, talk to Admiral Spot. She refuses to tell me anything.

Scientist - We'd love to but the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device won't work on felines, only on humanoids.

The other two scientists hook up the device and plug it into the electric outlet on the wall. An odd whirring sound fills the room.

Guard #1 - Is it supposed to make that sound?

Scientist - Our ship is very much underfunded.

Righteous - Mine too!

The other scientists place the whirring device on Righteous' head and sparks start to shoot out of it.

Righteous - Whee! This tickles!

The scientists look at a computer readout, which is completely black.

Scientist - His mind is stronger than we thought it would be. This could take time...

Righteous - ALRIGHT! NO BORING, PAGANISTIC, RACIST CONFERENCE ON SUBSPACE COMMUNICATORS!

Guard #2 - I'll go tell the captain we'll need to wait a little longer.

Righteous - Ooh, pretty colours!

Scene 8 - The camera is on the Celestial, which is missing some hull plates and is set down on an asteroid in the middle of a nebula.

Senseless - Captain's log, stardate 435373.5. The Breen attack has disabled our warp drive and we've been forced to hold up in this nebula while we make repairs. The Litterbox and the Saratoga are off to Starfleet Headquarters to get more ships. We're not sure why, but the only other ship that survived was the USS Pootytang, which Lieutenant-Commander Genocide named only seconds before it was about to be rammed. The naming gave it near immortality, or so we thought. We last saw it with its crew joyriding around the system. End log.

Camera goes to the briefing room on the Celestial. Tener, Puker, Genocide, Center, Blavik, Bios, Greaser, Baque, and Senseless are present.

Senseless - Who?

Blavik - I recently changed my name from Stoner to Blavik.

Senseless - Why?

Blavik - Partly because in your language my old name meant something completely different and half the crew was constantly looking for handouts.

Puker - I wish you would have told me beforehand. I nearly freaked yesterday. Tonnes of work to do and the computer said you no longer were aboard the ship.

Greaser - Well we should have warp drive back in a day or two.

Genocide - Weapons are another story. We're out of torpedoes and they're about the only things that make a dent in those new Breen hulls.

Bios - I've scanned for ways to get by them undetected, but so far I've come up with nothing.

Baque - Now, about the apparent cloning of our dear old commander here...

Puker - Ah yes. I took a blood sample of Jack and compared it to the DNA of him we have on record. Commander, you're the real thing. No doubt about it. Even your quantum signature matches.

Senseless - Thank you, Vaughan. So that means that the other Commander Senseless is an imposter. Ensign Center, do we have any way of warning the Admiral?

Center - I've tried everything I can think of–

Baque - --In other words next to nothing–

Center - --But I haven't been able to reach them.

Bios - Odd...A signal should be able to reach Riata III from pretty much anywhere in the sector. They have one of the largest communications hubs anywhere in the Federation.

Tener - We'll have to assume that something bad happened to them.

Genocide - When does something _not_ bad ever happen to anyone around here?

Blavik - Do we have sensor records from the launch of the yacht? Perhaps they contain some clue as to who is impersonating the Commander.

Senseless - You and Lieutenant Bios can take a look into it. In the meantime, Tener, I want round the clock drills. You too Genocide. Greaser, "a year or so" isn't an option. I want to be out of this nebula in 12 hours. Baque, start working on a plan to get us past those Breen ships. Ensign, give him a hand. That's everything people. Dismissed!

Greaser - Christ, who died and made you king?

Senseless - Possibly the Captain. GO!

Scene 9 - Romulan bridge. The scientist guy walks in and salutes Commander Spliff

Spliff - Report.

Scientist - Not good. We've been at this for 7 hours and we still don't have anything. The computer reads blank! I can't understand it! We've tried everything we can think of! Torture, threat of death, being forced to watch Martha Stewart's new reality TV show...NOTHING!

Spliff - Perhaps one of the others...?

Scientist - In order to have the mental blocks this Captain Righteous has, Starfleet must have spent a lot of time and energy to install them. Whatever he knows, it is very, very important. I don't suggest we waste our deuterium powering the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device for use on any of the others.

Spliff - Very well. However, the Tal Shiar wants us back to Romulas in 10 hours so we'll need to shut everything down and go to warp in eight.

Scientist - Understood.

He leaves the room. The Commander looks around and sees that no one else is inside. He opens a hatch on his chair, takes out a PSP, and starts playing Elite Force II.

Scene 10 - Main Engineering, USS Celestial. Greaser is talking with some NoNames.

NoName #5 - Ma'am, I'm telling you it's completely impossible!

Greaser - No it's not! Look, if Lieutenant Torres can totally repair Voyager in a matter of hours like she did in Deadlock, we can fix this bucket of self-sealing stembolts fairly soon!

NoName #5 - Ma'am! It can't be done in 9 hours! I've been working on ships like these for years and I know when a warp matrix is fried! It'll take a month! At drydock!

Greaser - I don't give a rats ass how long drydock takes to fix things, I'm telling you to fix this warp core in the next 9 hours or I'll be forced to rip off your head and shove if up your ass so that when you take a sht, you'll sht all over your face!

NoName #5 - My God you really are one annoying bch, you know that, Lieutenant-Commander PMS!

Greaser grabs the NoName's head in both hands and twists, breaking his neck.

Greaser - Anyone else have a problem with our timetable?

All the other yellowshirts raise their hands in surrender and go back to work.

Several minutes later, in the messhall, Greaser is drinking something bubbly. Tener and Baque come in and sit down.

Tener - Stupid security force can't even stop a tribble from getting into a bowl of honey and back out again!

Greaser - Doesn't sound like the drills were going so well.

Baque - Neither is the repairs, as I hear it.

Greaser - The core matrix is fried. We don't have warp drive and my incompetent staff can't seem to get it through their heads that if we don't fix it, we're facing a lot of death on our hands.

Baque - I don't see how we can get through the Breen armada surrounding this system without warp drive.

Tener - ...Wait, maybe we don't have to...

Greaser - If you have an idea, I'm all ears.

Tener - Oh, no I was just thinking how cool it would be if we didn't' have to go through that blockade.

Baque - Actually...you might be right...we might not have to. Who knows anything about quantum slipstream.

Greaser - Oh no not that again. I still have nightmares from _that_ academy exam.

Tener - What's quantum slipstream?

Baque - It's a form of travel, faster even than transwarp. Somewhere up there with the warp 9 triple 9 speeds. Anyway it's different from conventional warp because you don't really need a warp field and it doesn't warp space, it sends a ship right through it.

Tener - Wait I think I heard something about that...Isn't it highly unsafe? I thought Voyager couldn't use it for more than a few minutes or so or their structural integrity would fail?

Baque - But we wouldn't have to use it for long! Just enough to get us past that blockade!

Greaser - And then what? The Breen will find us and we still won't have warp travel.

Baque - Why not use the slipstream to do quick hops, fix structural integrity, and hop again. If Voyager had done that they would have gotten home in a month...stupid bastards...

Greaser - Just one problem: We don't have a slipstream core.

Baque - True...But I don't think we need one for a quick jump. Voyager certainly didn't when they first discovered it.

Greaser - Fine I'll get on it...eventually.

Tener - Yeah. Let's just stay here for a while and sip coffee.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Tener - Who didn't see _that_ coming a mile away?

Senseless - All hands to battle stations!

Greaser - Ok universe, I get the idea. I'll get that stupid slipstream thingy working. Sheesh...

Scene 11 - Bridge. The ship is shaking as Baque, Genocide, and Bios take their stations.

Senseless - Where is the ship that's firing at us?

Center - Everywhere! They're all bearing down on us.

Baque - Lieutenant Baque to Engineering. Hows it coming with those modifications?

Greaser - Almost there! Stop rushing me!

Bios - What modifications?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque - Quantum slipstream. We think it might get us past the Breen blockade.

Bios - BAD IDEA!

Senseless - Doesn't sound like we have a choice at the moment. Engage when ready. Set a course for the captain's last known location.

Greaser - Engineering to bridge. We're as ready as we're ever going to be. Give it a shot.

Baque - Plotting course.

Bios - ...Bringing main deflector online.

Genocide - Breen ship entering the nebula. Intercept in 10 seconds.

Baque - Slipstream in 4...3...2...1...

Clunk! The crew are all pushed back into their seats as the ship jumps to slipstream...followed by the Breen ship.

Senseless - What the hell?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Returning fire.

Baque - It must have entered the stream with us.

Boom, ship rocks,...ah you get the idea.

Genocide - I can't get a lock but this thing is knocking out our shields!

Senseless - Drop out of slipstream.

Bios - Reversing deflector polarity!

Clunk! The ship drops out of slipstream.

Baque - Where is the Breen ship?

Center - They're still in the slip stream.

Genocide - He he he...suckers...I bet they don't even know how to drop out of slipstream. They'll probably end up in the worst part of the galaxy...

Some hours later, the Breen ship finally manages to shut down the slipstream. They come to a halt and find themselves in the Clevari system. Onboard...

Breen #1 - jhh 8otp3h489h 8a46y-q384 (Translation: Dear diary: Jackpot!)

Scene 12 - Romulan Guard #1 enters the detention area and turns to the cell holding our heros. They are all sitting on the floor playing cards.

Guard #1 - Where in Romulas's name did you get those cards?

Spot - We smuggled them in.

Shelby - We also smuggled in this!

She pulls out a type 1 phaser and shoots at Romulan Guard #1. The beam, thanks to some neat technobabble which I won't mention here, goes right through the forcefield and stuns Romulan Guard #1. Shelby resets the phaser and blows the emitters to pieces. The forcefield lowers and they all run out. Senseless picks up the Guard's weapon.

Spot - OK, first we have to find the captain, and then–

Senseless - Actually you're not going to go anywhere.

They turn around and see Senseless pointing the Romulan disruptor at Shelby.

Farfetched - You jackass! What are you doing!

Senseless - I took the liberty of using your trip to Riata III to go through with my plan. You see, I'm really a terrorist who has nothing better to do and hope to get into heaven by blowing myself and millions of others up with an antimatter bomb. Us getting caught proved to be not what I had hoped for but now that we're free I intend to take my proposition to the Commander of this vessel and he is most likely to help me. Now, I want you all to get into that cell over there–

Romulan Guard #2 rounds a corner and sees Fake Senseless holding a disruptor. He instinctively fires at him and the Fake Senseless vaporises. Shelby thinks quick and stuns Guard #2.

Farfetched - Well, that turned out pretty good.

Spot - Not really. Now the FBI will probably cancel the series saying it promotes terrorism.

Shelby - But it just showed that crime doesn't pay!

Spot - Yeah, well, best not to fret over things like this anyway. Quick! To the laboratory!

Scene 13 - Romulan laboratory. Righteous is still in the chair and is humming the Star Wars theme song. The computer monitor still reads blank.

Romulan Scientist - I just don't understand it! How can someone who appears to be a complete idiot have so many mental blocks!

Righteous - Yay!

Scientist #2 - Wait! I'm getting something!

Slowly, but surely, an odd looking apple appears on the screen.

Righteous - I like apples!

Scientist - It's working! Finally

Just as he finishes saying it, the door opens and Shelby and Farfetched burst in and start shooting everything that moves.

Righteous - I like apples!

Farfetched - Come on, let's get out of here!

Admiral Spot hits some buttons on one of the consoles.

Spot - The yacht is in landing bay 1. Looks like they took the liberty of repairing it for us.

Righteous - That was nice of them. I wonder why they did it though...

Farfetched - Convenient plot device...

Righteous - What?

Farfetched - Oh nothing. Let's go before security arrives.

Righteous - Where's Senseless

Shelby - Long story. We'll tell you on the way.

They unhook Righteous and run off down the hall. Camera stays looking out through the laboratory doors. Three seconds later the four officers are seen running by again, going the other way.

Spot - Right, this way.

Scene 14 - Romulan bridge. Commander Spliff is still playing with his PSP as another Romulan runs in.

Romulan Guard #3 - SIR!

Spliff - GAH!

He fumbles his PSP and throws it across the room. It lands with a thud and proceeds to turn into a penguin, which waddles away.

Guard #3 - The prisoners have escaped! Two of our guards were found unconscious!

Spliff - Why didn't the internal sensors report this sooner!

Guard #3 - BECAUSE YOU TOUCH–

BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks!

NoName Romulan #1 - Sir! A Federation starship is attacking us! It came out of nowhere!

NoName Romulan #2 - An unauthorized launch is in progress, landing bay 1.

Spliff - Damn it! We're out numbered! Two to one!

Guard #3 - Well actually sir, we are more powerful than–

Spliff - They'll never take us alive! Computer, activate self destruct sequence!

Romulan Computer - Ship will explode violently in five seconds. Have a nice day and always treat your coworkers with respect.

Camera goes out into space as the warbird explodes violently. Out of the fireball the captain's yacht sours toward the Celestial.

Scene 15 - Messhall, USS Celestial. Present persons are Spot, Farfetched, Righteous, the real Senseless, Shelby, Genocide, Greaser, Puker, Baque, Bios, Tener, Blavik, and Center.

Puker - Well we may have lost a system to the Breen, but hey, we took about ten of theirs so I guess it all evens out. On the bright side, you didn't have to attend that conference sir.

Righteous - Yeah, great isn't it?

Tener - Why do I get the feeling people are always forgetting about me?

Blavik - It is most likely due to the fact that you are the newest addition to the crew and were a NoName for most of the time.

Shelby - Yeah, how did you get promoted from a NoName to chief of security anyway? And another thing: Why do you have a separate officer for security and tactical positions?

Righteous - Ooh, allow me. It all started one day when we were flying along at warp 1.6 because Lieutenant Bios broke the main deflector and was in the process of testing her repaired version.

Shelby - How long is this story going to take?

Righteous - About an hour.

Shelby - I'll just go to - (turns to the camera) - freewebs/usscelestial (and there's a ". c o m" in there before the slash but fanfiction won't allow me to say so.) and read the whole thing for myself.

Farfetched (walking past) - I've been there. That site sucks.

Camera goes over to Baque who is standing next to Greaser who is yelling at a NoName.

Greaser - I don't want to hear about how long it's "supposed" to take! Just get it fixed in 24 hours!

NoName #6 - NO! I don't deserve to be treated like this! I'm overworked enough as it is!

Greaser - Behind the diagnostics console in Main Engineering you'll find Crewman Lynch, who also had that same bad attitude.

NoName #6 gulps.

NoName #6 - Actually 24 hours sounds like it'll be plenty of time to rebuild a warp core from scratch, ma'am.

Camera goes to Spot and Righteous and Senseless.

Spot - I must congratulate you Captain. I'm amazed they didn't clue in that you didn't have a clue about anything while they were using the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device on you.

Senseless - Yeah, the most they got to send to Romulas was a picture of an apple.

Spot - Ha ha that outta keep their intelligence busy for a while.

Righteous - I suppose now's not a good time to tell you that the apple I envisioned was coated in command prefix codes for half the fleet...

Spot - DAMN IT! I HATE YOU RIGHTEOUS! GOD DAMN IT!

THE END

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Protect only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."

Puker - Is it my imagination or are these episodes getting shorter?

Blavik - Rick Berman wants to buy a new boat.

Puker - Ah

Skip to theme song.


	13. Celestial 13

Celestial 13: A Christmas Peril

By Swordtail

Started...let me think...November 22? I don't know...

Finished December 3 I guess.

"The Night Before Christmas" has been spoofed many times by Star Trek fans. I gave it a try a while ago with an Enterprise parody I was working on, but it never panned out. Getting an active storyline worked into nothing but a rhyme is very difficult and I commend those who did it wonderfully. I decided to stick with my preferred format of writing and just put the stanzas at the beginning to either narrate or outline what's happening in the scene. That and I can't find a way to fill 20 pages with rhyming nonsense...yeah.

_Twas the stardate before Christmas, and up on the bridge, _

_No one was working; they were raiding the fridge._

Scene 1 - Bridge. Baque and Center are at their stations. Genocide is looking through the minifridge at the back of the bridge.

Genocide - Ok we've got some eggnog, leftover pumpkin pie, wormhole-shaped Christmas cookies...right, some turkey, some weird green stuff I can't identify...what'll it be?

Baque - I'll have the cookies.

Center - I really think we should ask before we start eating stuff.

Genocide - Ok we know where you stand. But, seeing as we all outrank you, you don't have a choice in the matter. You're having the green stuff.

Center - Guys it's just jelly salad.

Genocide - Way to poo poo that practical joke...

_Lights were a strung round the warp core by some jerk,_

_But one had gone out so the whole string wouldn't work._

Scene 2 - Main engineering. Greaser and her NoName engineering crew are examining each and every bulb in the long string carefully, using tricorders, magneton scanners, hypo-spanners, and various other instruments.

Greaser - It's like this every year. Nothing on this ship works right! NOTHING!

A NoName is examining one of the sockets by prodding it with a metal stick.

Greaser - Ah, here's the problem! We forget to plug it back in!

She reaches over and reroutes the necessary power from the plasma conduits to the Christmas lights.

BXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!...Sizzle...

_The NoNames were nestled all snug in their beds,_

_While terror and nightmares flew through their heads_

Scene 3 - Camera is on some NoName who is white faced and obviously scared shitless. A dark shadow is sitting in the far corner of the room.

Shadow - Mr. Anderson...Surprised to see me?

(Hey, I needed _something _in this scene!)

_And Righteous in his P.J's, with "Go Prophets!" on the back,_

_Had just settled down for an off duty nap._

Scene 4 - Righteous's quarters. His combadge is making sounds.

Genocide (faintly) - He's asleep! Quick, get out Dawn of the Dead!

Baque (also faintly) - Alright! Hold on! I can't find it.

Center (still faintly) - I have it and you're not getting it...sir.

Genocide - Come on, it's just a little fun!

Center - No it's against every rule in the book.

Baque - Oh yeah well, what's that over there?

Center - Where?

Genocide - HA!

Center - Give that back!

Genocide - No I don't think I will, _Ensign_!

Baque - Go swab the deck or something and make yourself useful.

Center - Someday I'll outrank you, but until then, I'll just have to keep the Captain's best interests in mind!

Swoosh!

Baque - What the?

Genocide - Hey give me that! It's mine!

Center - No, sir!

Punch! Kick! Bite, Scream

Baque - OW! FK

Center - Screw you sir!

Genocide - That's it! Phaser time!

Pzzzzt! Pzzzzt! BOOM!

Righteous wakes up and looks toward his combadge.

Righteous - Sheesh, Santa Prophet sure makes a lot of noise.

He hits his combadge, deactivating it, and goes back to sleep.

_When down in Sickbay there arose such a clatter!_

_The Doctor sprang from his office to see what was the matter_!

Scene 5 - Sickbay. A drunk Lieutenant Tener stumbles in being led by Lieutenant Bios. The two make their way over to Ensign Blavik who is running a diagnostic on one of the biobeds, which has a decomposing NoName still in it..

Blavik - Is there a problem?

Bios - I think someone spiked his eggnog.

Tener - What? I hate that stupid Ferengi! Nearly got me killed! Stupid son of a moo cow!

Crash! Tener falls into the medical tray, knocking it over and making a loud clatter. Dr. Puker enters from his office to see what is the matter.

Puker - What the heck? Oh wait, don't tell me: You have another splinter.

Tener - I'll show you a splinter!

Puker - Well I can't remove it unless you show it to me now can I?

Bios - Doctor, he's piss drunk!

Puker - That party was three hours ago! What is he still doing drinking!

Tener - ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI! ALL SMOTHERED IN CHEESE! I LOST MY MITTENS! WHEN SOMEBODY EXPLODED!

Bios - That was _one_ of the parties. There's dozens all over the ship.

Blavik - Definitely intoxication. I will go get some cold water.

Puker - Nope, the only thing that will save him is a triple coronary bypass involving at least three lung transplants.

Bios - Yeah, I'll just go then...

Puker - Not so fast! Whatever disease Mr. Tener here has might be highly contagious. I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you from infecting the entire crew.

Bios - It's alcohol doc, nothing more.

She leaves and sees several NoNames stumbling down the hall, making a tonne of noise and vomiting all over the carpet.

Bios - Hmmm...Maybe I should be quarantined...

She leans up against an open plasma conduit, causing it to explode further down the hall, killing the NoNames.

Bios - Oops...

_Out through the windows the black of space clashed_

_With the gray-hulled Celestial as it flew boldly past._

Scene 6 - Camera is out in space, showing the ship careen past spinning end over end and venting plasma from the port nacelle. Camera goes to the bridge. Consoles are on fire, the lights are out, beams have fallen from the ceiling, and smoke fills the air. In the middle of it all is Baque holding a bloody spot on his head, Center holding a PADD, and Genocide holding a phaser.

Center - Smooth move, exlax.

_Throughout the Federation carols were sung,_

_Trees were set up and the shopping was (finally) done._

Scene 7 - Camera is on Earth, in San Francisco. A very stressed looking Admiral Spot is walking down a street in the snow (If I want it to snow in California, **_it shall snow!_**). Everywhere kids with nothing better to do are singing the latest catchy tunes such as "Haul the Decks," "We Wish you a Merry December-Based-Religious-Holiday," "Frosty the Eunuch," "Santa Clause is coming to a System Near You," and the all time favourite, "Grandma got run over by a Galaxy Class Starship." Spot quickly ducks into a building which is labelled "Hotel," in several different Federation languages. She walks up to the counter.

Spot - I need a place to stay and _PLEASE_ don't tell me this place is closed too.

Receptionist - I'm sorry, we're full. The party this year seems to be bigger than most years. And besides, we don't allow pets to be in the hotel.

Spot - You calling me a pet? I may be a cat but I'm no one's pet...anymore. Hell, even when I was I still had to run most of Data's life for him. Idiot couldn't even make the bed without guidance!

Receptionist - I'm sorry but all animals are considered pets.

Spot - Do know who you're talking to here? I'm Admiral Spot, head of Starfleet! Don't call me a pet!

Receptionist - I wouldn't care if you were the son of God, the rules are clear!

Spot - It's minus fricking 10 out there! Don't you at least have some tree in the lobby I can sleep in?

Receptionist - Well we do have a stable out back...

Spot - I'll take it.

Admiral Spot leaves the hotel and walks around back. She enters the stable and lays down in the manger next to a very confused donkey.

Spot - Hey! This manger has a wide screen TV! Cool!

(Don't expect this spoof to go any further than it has)

_When what to her tired eyes does appear?_

_But more Christmas specials, and a documentary on Reindeer._

Scene 8 - Camera is out in space above Earth.

Spot - DAMN YOU CAPIES! DAMN YOU MEDIA HEADS! AND DAMN YOU RELIGION!

_Back in Engineering the death came on quick._

_If you weren't used to it now it might make you sick._

_The core was now broken, cause the crew had played games,_

_Greaser yelled and she bited and she called them bad names:_

"_You stupid, pathetic, _

_dumb worthless old rats!_

_I've seen less shit_

_In a cave full of bats!_

_Restart the warp core_

_Before power falls!_

_Now get to work, get to work,_

_Get to work all!_

Pretty self explanatory, I won't go into the details, but basically the warp core did get fixed...fast.

_As space dust before a wild ion storm fly,_

_The ship met with an obstacle and the causalities were high._

Scene 9 - Bridge. The three officers pick themselves up after they were thrown to the floor.

Baque - What the hell did we hit?

Center - An asteroid. Tore out a chunk of the starboard forward section.

Genocide - Ok, so what do we blame this one on?

They stand up and look around, casually, whistling. A shower of sparks erupts from one of the ceiling lights.

_So up to deck one the Commander did shoot._

_With a tired complexion and some anger to boot._

Scene 10 - Senseless enters the bridge and sees the three other officers standing in a line smiling at him.

Senseless - Do I dare ask?

Genocide - Don't worry sir, the asteroid hit only nonessential systems and only killed 12 crew members. Not as bad as some other times.

Senseless - GAH! Can't I get a decent night's sleep on the one day of the year that we don't need to work the next day?

Genocide - We don't have to work tomorrow?

Baque - Well, what the hell are we doing here then?

The two officers walk past him and enter the turbolift.

Genocide - Messhall.

The doors close and the turbolift drops like a rock.

Scene 11 - Earth, San Francisco, only a few kilometres away from where Admiral Spot is spending the night watching Christmas specials, Admiral Nelix is sitting in his SFC office. Captain Farfetched walks in.

Farfetched - Sir, seeing as tomorrow's Christmas, do you think I can get off work a little early tonight?

Nelix - Are you crazy? It's only 20:00! NO! You may _not_ get off work this early.

Farfetched - But sir, I have a ship and crew and they're all hoping to see me at our Christmas party in an hour!

Nelix - How bout this: You can leave now, if you promise to deliver a certain package to a certain planet for a certain someone who is more powerful than you and I combined and who will one day take over the Federation.

Farfetched - (gulp!) Um...Ok, sir...

Nelix - Good, now GET OUT OF HERE!

Farfetched runs out of the room, cursing the day he entered the ninth fleet. Nelix sits back in his chair.

Nelix - Christmas...load of crap...Bah!

He closes his eyes for a moment but then opens them as a gush of wind hits him.

Nelix - Who opened the god damned window?

All of a sudden a blinding white light fills the room. When it fades, Nelix looks up and sees none other than the Vega Colony Council Member that the Celestial executed back in Celestial #9. See through, of course.

Nelix - Wha-What are you doing here! You're supposed to be dead!

Ghost - You are a bad, bad kitty. Tonight, you will be visited by three non-corporeal beings.

Nelix - What!

Ghost - That's about all I have to say. They just let me out of hell for a minute or two so I can have some fun. Now if you'll excuse me, the bar has my drink ready.

Poof! The ghost of the Vega Colony councillor vanishes in a cheesy pre-90's special effect.

Nelix - I've said this once and I'll say it again. BAH!

NoName #1 - Humbug, sir?

Nelix - What the hell are you doing here, get out of my office!

He kicks the NoName out of his office and goes back to sleep.

_And then, in an instant, they heard on the hull_

_The pecking of what seemed like metal seagulls._

Scene 12 - Genocide, Baque, Tener, Bios, and about twenty NoNames are partying in the messhall. At the moment, they are all singing "Patty Murphy" by Great Big Sea...but modified for the 24th century.

Crew Members - Oh the night that Captain Righteous dies will be a night to never forget.

We all intend to get loaded drunk and the sober will lose the bet!

As long as the bottle is passed around everyone will say "horray!"

And then we'll start up the hologrid and some music for to play–!

Tap, tap, tap tap, tap tap, tap, tappy tap tap.

Genocide - Woah, woah, stop guys. Do you hear something?

Tap, tap, tap.

Baque - Sounds like metal seagulls almost.

Bios - Stop reading the narration! This is getting annoying! First the Doctor and now this.

Tener - Sounds more like meteors to me...

NoName #2 - ..Me..meteors?

Baque - Don't listen to him, he's drunk.

Then a rock flies through the hull and hits NoName #2, putting a hole through her head.

Tener - SEE! I TOL YOUS I WAS NOT SOBERUNK!

Baque - Um...Maybe we outta postpone the festivities until a later date.

The officers all look at each other.

Bios, Baque, Genocide, Tener - NAH!

They all go back to singing as meteors slowly pick off NoNames.

_As the ship sealed itself and the crew turned around,_

_Out an air duct some fat guy came with a bound._

Scene 14 - Messhall...still. The ship has gone through the meteor field and is done squiring auto-sealant in the holes (Don't quite know what that is, but I read it in a book once). As the senior officers and remaining 7 NoNames end their song and turn around, an air duct opens and some fat guy dressed in red plops out...somehow. It's not clear how he managed to get out, seeing as those air ducts are only about 30 centimetres in diameter and this guy looks to weigh about 300 pounds.

Scene 15 - Earth. Admiral Nelix's office. Nelix is fast asleep in his chair. He wakes up all of a sudden and sees, sitting before him in the other chair, a see through character who looks an awful lot like Agent Smith from The Matrix.

Nelix - Who the hell are you?

Smith - I am the non-corporeal being of December-based-religious-holiday's past, Mr. Nelix.

Nelix - And I'm the Pope. What do you want and how did you get in here?

Smith - I'd ask if you were surprised to see me, but it seems that line has been beaten to a bloody pulp using lead pipes long enough.

Nelix - That's really nice and all, but I have to get some sleep.

Smith - No. Your dislike of Christmas has gone on long enough. I am here because of _you_, Mr. Nelix. I'm here to show you where things all went wrong.

Nelix - I never said I didn't like Christmas. I just think there's a lot more singing than usual this year.

Smith - What? - (puts hand to ear phone and listens) - It seems that I'm not getting all of my memo's. Now, if you'll kindly come with me.

Nelix - Can we make that unkindly?

Instead of an answer, the two entities start to float up and out through the ceiling.

Nelix - Wait...I've seen this in a movie once.

The float out over the city and around to a Tim Horton's.

Nelix - What are we doing here?

Smith - I'm hungry. There aren't many places to eat in the non-corporeal realm.

After a quick bite to eat, the two float back up over the city.

Smith - If you have any loose articles I suggest you take hold of them now.

Nelix - Why?

Smith snaps his fingers and they both start spinning in a circle...very fast...very, very fast...then, POOF! They stop. It is still night but things look different. The two float back to Admiral Nelix's office.

Nelix - Well, that was fun. Now let me down!

Smith - We are now back about four months ago. Take a look. This is where all your troubles began.

They both look down at the desk. In it is a younger Admiral Nelix (if you can call four months "younger") talking with Admiral Spot and another nameless Admiral. I don't bother naming them because no one ever remembers their names anyway.

Past Spot - Out of the question, Admiral.

Past Nelix - Ma'am, hear me out. I think it would be a bit asset for the Federation.

Nameless Admiral - Stealing a Dominion bug ship would be a direct violation of treaty and could lead to an armed conflict.

Past Nelix - Yeah, yeah, but don't forget: You can't trust those slimy no good rotten Founders as far as you can pour one. Just because the Celestial reported that they said they were doing only benign things doesn't mean it will always stay that way.

Past Spot - You are not going to get a Dominion ship for your private collection so don't ask again!

Past Spot and the nameless admiral leave the room, slamming the door behind them. Past Nelix sits back in his chair with an angry look on his face.

Smith - Shortly after this point you decided that the Federation needed a change in Government, so you started looking more and more fondly at the Orion Syndicate. After the events on that nameless planet where Chester took over, you went and sought him out and offered him a deal: Help, in exchange for a Dominion destroyer. You relocated to Jupiter Station shortly after that.

Nelix - I don't need _you_ to tell _me_ my life's story! Is there a point to all this?

Smith - ...No...Not yet. Good bye, Mr. Nelix.

Poof! Nelix finds himself back in his office.

_He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,_

_And his clothes were all singed from plasma and soot._

_He had a big paper bag on the end of a mop,_

_And he looked like a drug dealer setting up shop._

Scene 16 - Messhall.

Tener - Who the hell?

Genocide - Security, intruder alert!

Bios - Actually he looks an awful lot like–

The fat guy opens the bag and starts taking stuff out of it. One item is wrapped in glittery paper and on it is written "Merry Christmas."

Genocide - SHIT HE'S GOT A BOMB!

The remaining NoNames make a hasty exit while Lieutenant Baque lunges for Santa.

Santa - Ho, ho, holy shi-!

Genocide - Look out he's got a pipe!

Baque punches St. Nick in the stomach, causing him to blow smoke all over the helmsman.

Baque - Son of a bitch!

Santa jumps up, grabs his stuff, and runs out the door and down the hall.

Tener - After him! Lieutenant Tener to security, we've got a boggy heading aft on deck 3. Seal all exits and post guards at every entry point.

Bios - He must be a changeling! No one could have fit in that air duct!

Genocide - There must be a Dominion ship nearby. I'll go to the bridge.

Bios - Um guys, I hate to tell you this _now_, but...

Genocide - Whatever it is I don't want to hear it. There's a battle to be fought and I intend to make the most of it. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

_His eyes, were in terror, those phasers, how scary._

_His cheeks were like roses, he was out of breath already._

_His drooling mouth was scared up from some blow,_

_And the rest of his face was as white as a ghost._

_The stump of a pipe he had held in his teeth,_

_Was now lodged in his throat, making it difficult to speak._

_He had a broad face and a great big round belly,_

_Which shook when he ran like a bowl full of jelly._

(Running out of ways to parody this poem as you can surely tell)

Scene 17 - Whilst Santa ran around deck 3 being chased by the incompetent security force, Genocide entered the Bridge and walked to the tactical station.

Genocide - Ensign, where's the Commander?

Center - He went back to bed. Why?

Genocide - Good that makes me in charge.

Center - I don't like where this is going. What's all this about an intruder?

Genocide - There's a Dominion spy onboard, impersonating Santa Clause, I think. Scan for a cloaked ship nearby. He must have beamed aboard while our shields were down after we hit that asteriod.

Center - Actually there is a ship out there, but it's just a sleigh with eight reindeer.

Genocide - Flying reindeer? Sounds a little suspicious. Must be a shape shifter being an object we'd be likely to let our guard down to. Any minute, he'll turn into a bomb and, BOOM!

Genocide hits some buttons and the Celestial fires it's main phaser banks, just missing the red sleigh which is perched on the port warp nacelle. The reindeer freak out and start flying around the ship as Genocide fires every weapon the Celestial has at the archaic form of transportation.

Genocide - Impersonate Santa Clause, will you...

Scene 18 - Admiral Nelix wakes up again, still in his office. A dark figure is floating before him.

Nelix - Let me guess, you're the non-cororeal being of December-based-religious-holiday's present.

The figure hits the light switch, revealing himself to be none other than Yoda.

Yoda - Observant you are. Make my job easier, this will.

Nelix - Am I going to get _any_ sleep tonight?

Yoda - Unlikely it is. Follow me, you must.

Yoda uses his force-like powers to phase the two of them and make them fly up and over the building.

Nelix - Where are you going now?

Yoda - Show you I will. Much suffering do you cause.

They wake off at Mach 9 and end up outside the USS Saratoga, which is being retrofitted in McKinley station. They float into Ten Forward.

Nelix - I don't get it. Everyone's happy and really annoying. What kind of suffering is this? Are you on my side?

Yoda - Closely look, you should..

They float through a table and look into a panel on the wall. Inside, the pressure metre on a plasma conduit is slowly increasing.

Nelix - I don't see how a faulty plasma conduit is causing suffering. It'll just break and make a mess.

Yoda - Sabotage it is. Agent of Syndicate put there by it was. Agent, let pass security, you did. Your fault, explosion will be.

Nelix - Explosion?

BOOM!

The plasma conduit explodes and kills everyone in the room. Luckily they were all NoNames, but the mess is horrendous. Blood is all over the walls and McKinley station is now covered in dead bodies. Admiral Nelix cringes at the mindless destruction of the one place on the Galaxy Class starship that was worth visiting.

Yoda - Hoping to kill senior staff Agent was. However, working, they are.

Nelix - So what you're saying is that my constant harping on them and asking for reports every twenty seconds saved their lives? Aren't you supposed to tell me the error of my ways?

Yoda - More work have you caused them. Ruined Christmas, you have.

POOF! Nelix appears back in his room.

Nelix - That's it! I'm setting up transporter inhibitors, anti-changeling devices, dampening fields, the works! I need sleep! God damn it!

_Santa tired from the chase, the big fat old elf_

_And the crew laughed when they saw him, in spite of their selves._

_An anger in his eyes and a twist of his head_

_Soon told the crew they had something to dread._

Scene 19 - Tener and his stupid security force finally corner Santa. One of the NoNames goes closer and taps Santa on the shoulder.

NoName #3 - You're it!

Tener - Idiot! This isn't a game of tag!

NoName #4 - It isn't? Ah oh.

Camera jumps to a real changeling who is still confused as to why a yellow-shirt caught him, smacked him, then ran off screaming, even though he was armed with a fully powered phaser rifle. Camera jumps back to Tener and his boys.

Tener - Ok, shapeshifter, time is up.

Santa - That's it! No presents for you!

Tener and his security group finally clue in and start frantically apologizing to the fat old guy dressed in red. Santa Clause simply mutters under his breath and heads for Main Engineering.

_He spoke not a word, as he entered main eng,_

_And he filled all the stockings, all six hundred and ten._

Scene 20 - Santa enters main engineering, only to see an angry bolion woman yelling at everyone in the room, and about 600 big sock like things hanging from the warp core, consoles, the upper and middle decks, the overhead support beams, and from the skeletons of long-dead crewmen.

Santa - I'd better get more than a fing cookie and glass of milk for this...

Greaser - Hey, James, whose the fat guy?

Tener - That's jolly old St. Nicolas.

Greaser - He doesn't look so jolly right now.

Tener - Well, we had a slight misunderstanding. Heh we thought he was a changeling spy!

Greaser - Where'd everyone else go?

Tener - Back to the bridge. Genocide thinks there might be a Dominion ship nearby and intends to destroy it. All he'll probably find is a sleigh with eight or nine reindeer, but knowing Genocide–

Greaser - Bridge.

Tener - Right.

The two sprint through the doors and take off down the hallway.

_And giving the finger and an annoyed-sounding scream,_

_He tapped on an implant, and away he was beamed._

Scene 21 - Done with the stockings, the fat guy in red gives the finger to Tener and uses his other hand to lay his finger aside of his nose and gave a quick nod. Next thing everyone knew he was transported away in a red and green Christmas-like transporter beam.

Tener - Didn't see _that _coming.

Scene 22 - Admiral Nelix wakes up in his quarters again. This time he is prepared and begins firing his kitty phaser around the room.

Nelix - FERS!

A NoName with a severed arm stands back up.

NoName #5 - Oh sorry to wake you sir, I was just cleaning the carpets.

Nelix, muttering under his breath, resets the phaser and vaporises NoName #5.

Nelix - Stupid NoNames. They've probably been the ones pissing me off tonight. I'll have to remember to fire them tomorrow morning. Out a torpedo tube that is.

All of a sudden, a blinding red light fills the room, accompanied by a loud noise. With drama that should never be used (ever!), the windows in the room shatter, the door melts into a pile of molten metal, the lights explode, the desk vaporises, and Admiral Nelix is thrown against the far wall. Eventually, the mindless destruction stops and Sauron from the Lord of the Rings appears in the middle of the room.

Nelix - AHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S A HARDLY SEEN CHARACTER FROM AN AWARD WINNING MOVIE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Sauron - Mortal, I bring to you your death!

Nelix - Oh yeah?

Nelix fires his fully powered phaser at the non-corporeal being of December-based-religious-holiday's future. Nothing happens. Nelix tries again and again until the phaser's power cell is depleated.

Nelix - Oh, sht.

Sauron - Prepare to die, mortal.

Nelix - Wait! I'll change! I promise!

Sauron - No you won't!

Nelix - Yeah, you're right, I can't really back that claim up with much...wait, don't I get to pick when I die?

Sauron - Well, I was thinking tonight, but next Tuesday looks good on my calender too.

Nelix - Ok, next Tuesday it is. So, where are you going to take me.

Sauron - To you're future.

FLASH! The two appear near a volcano. Two short humanoid creatures are standing on a cliff. Sauron walks over to one of them and grabs something from him.

Sauron - I'll take that, thank you very much.

Frodo - NOOOOOOO!

Sauron - Hey, I bought this on E-Bay fair and square...get your own!

The hulking shape of Sauron grabs a hissing Admiral Nelix by the tail and puts on the ring of power. The next thing Nelix knows is they are standing on the bridge of a ship. Closer inspection reveals it to be the OSS Scratchingpost. In command is Chester, but the first officer is none other than Future Admiral Nelix.

Nelix - Cool, I get to be a 2IC!

Sauron - Look closer.

They float out into space, where the Scratchingpost is being blown to bits by two Federation starships, which can't be seen well right now.

Nelix - Hey, I knew the risks when I signed up for the Orion Syndicate. Showing me this changes nothing.

As soon as he says this, one of the Federation ships flies close to them, followed closely by the other. A quick glance reveals them to be the USS Celestial and the USS Borg Buster.

Nelix - **_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

POOF! Admiral Nelix wakes up in his bed. The sheets are shredded from Nelix clawing them up while dreaming.

Nelix - No, nothing is worse than being killed by Righteous or Shields! Computer, transmit a text message using Nelix communications protocol Oscar Sierra 188. Message content: I quit!. Encrypt and send.

Nelix jumps down from his bed and runs out into the hall. The morning shift has already started to arrive.

Nelix - Merry Christmas, overly cheerful NoName secretary! Merry Christmas, NoName janitor! Merry Christmas, angry looking Admiral Spot!–Wha!

Camera is on Spot, who looks like she could kill someone right now.

Nelix - Ma'am, if this is about the Saratoga, I can explain. You see, I've seen the error of my ways and–

Spot - To hell with the Saratoga! I just had to spend the night watching Christmas special after Christmas special! I MISSED CSI: ANDOR FOR THAT CRAP! SO HAVE A MERRY FING CHRISTMAS AND ONE HELL OF A HAPPY NEW YEAR! GOD DAMN IT!

Scene 23 - Bridge of the Celestial. Genocide is holding the antlers of one of the reindeer he managed to fry, and the rest of senior staff are nearby and opening their presents.

Baque - Alright! A book on "How to Make a Holographic You to do Your Work for You!"

Greaser - Alright! A comb! Not that I need one, but they're always handy to keep around.

Bios - An MP3 player! Kick ass! Something else to take apart!

Blavik - Most logical. I seem to have acquired an IDIC. It appears that infinite diversity _does_ occur in infinite combinations.

Baque - Oooooooooook...

Puker - Cool! Scalpels! That's good, because I lost my last set in Tener over there.

Tener - A TOS phaser! Finally something that won't break whenever I drop it!

Righteous - Orbs! You can never have too many Orbs.

Senseless - Asprin! You can never have too much asprin.

Genocide - High yield warheads! Good, that'll replace the ones I used to clean out my quarters last week.

Center - Sir! Movement on the port nacelle!

Righteous - On screen! Movie time! Which reminds me...Tonight, after dinner, there's going to be a screening of Binky, the Targ who saved Christmas.

The rest of the crew groan. The version of that movie that Righteous owns seems riddled with religious references and many other fanatical events other than Christmas.

Puker - Well, all's differently well with the world right now. Despite the little mishap with the asteroid, and the meteor shower, and the spiked eggnog, and the near-murder of the fat guy in red, and the explosion onboard the USS Saratoga, and the odd explosion at Starfleet Headquarters, this was a very good Christmas.

Baque - Mr. Has-a-replicator-in-his-pocket is preparing to lift off.

Righteous - Let's watch!

_Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,_

_And they all warped away like a Bomark Class missel._

_But they heard him yell out as he flew out of sight,_

"_MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND GOD DAMN IT, GOOD NIGHT!"_

The End

USS Celestial - NCC - 80164

Ninth Fleet

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	14. Celestial 14

Celestial #14 - Where No One Has Bothered To Go Before

By Swordtail

Started December 10th, 2005

Finished December 22nd, 2005

Scene 1 - Camera is on the Celestial as it warps through space.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435487.3. Well, we're finally back to exploring the cosmos. Seems like we haven't done much of that lately. In fact, I don't think we've explored anything for almost a year now. Weird...In Other news, the Prophets are smiling down on us all and we're on our way to sector 553, where no one has been before. Not because it's really far away or really dangerous or anything, but just simply because Starfleet hasn't gotten around to sending a ship there yet. So here we are, cruising along at warp 7 and making great time. We have no idea what we'll find when we get there, but I expect the Missionary Team to act with the quick and decisive attitude I've come to expect of them. End log.

Genocide - The missionary squad is dead.

Righteous - Aw, not again! What happened this time?

Genocide - They had an unfortunate encounter with a phaser blast.

Righteous - Well, I don't suppose there's anything we can do to stop those things. Just have to always be on the lookout. Helm, report.

Baque - We're near a binary system with 16 planets.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, scan for lifesigns.

Bios - Two of the planets show humanoid life on them. Doesn't look like there's any indication of warp travel...wait a minute...I'm picking up a warp signature on one of the planets' moons.

Senseless - Divert course to investigate.

Baque - Yes commander clueless! Right away!

Senseless - Don't start with me this early in the morning...

Center - I'm picking up indications that this may be a pre-warp civilization.

Righteous - Well, then the Prime Directive makes this really easy. Let's go home.

Senseless - Wait, if it's a pre-warp society, why is there a warp signature on that moon?

Center - I don't know.

Bios - Maybe they recently developed warp travel?

Senseless - Well it's worth taking a look.

Baque - No, it probably isn't.

Genocide - Commander, this system is rich in mineral resources and mining potential. Having this species as an ally could help us greatly in our war with the Breen. And besides, they have a very, very dense asteroid field that looks like it could use come help getting even denser.

Baque - Yeah you're real good at increasing an area's density when you enter it aren't you?

Genocide - Why I outta...

Senseless - Toc, put us behind that moon with the warp signature near it. Keep us out of sight if you can.

Righteous - Assemble an away team. And take the missionary team with you.

Genocide - They're dead, captain.

Righteous - Oh, right. Well then, just take the landing party.

Senseless - Bridge to Lieutenant Tener, report to transporter room 1 and bring some security guards.

Tener - Acknowledged. Tener out.

Camera goes to Tener, who steps out of his quarters and starts walking down the hall. He comes upon three NoName yellow-shirts.

Tener - Hey, you guys! Have your death certificates filled out and be ready in transporter room 1 in a few minutes! Come on! Let's move!

Opening cre–AH COME ON DO I HAVE TO WRITE THIS EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Scene 2 - The away team, consisting of Senseless, Bios, Blavik, Tener, and three security guards materializes behind a large tree. Naturally this tree looks just like what you'd find anywhere on Earth, except it's painted purple and grows bundles of petunias.

Senseless - Ok spread out. Keep a low profile. Look for anything that might indicate warp technology.

Voice - FREEZE!

Tener - AH!

He fires his phaser at the sound of the voice, only to blow a large hole through the tree.

Senseless - What was that?

Click...

He turns around and finds an odd looking weapon about a centimetre from his forehead.

Person Holding Gun - Don't, move.

Senseless - I hate Mondays...

Blavik - Today is Tuesday, sir.

Senseless - Yes but we got our orders to go to this place on Monday.

Bios - Um, you're aware they can understand us, right?

Guard Like Guy With Gun - Drop your weapons and put your hands on your heads.

The crew comply as Tener notes:

Tener - Hey is it my imagination or do these guys look really human?

NoName #1 - Paramount's budget cuts strike again.

Guard - I said don't move!

NoName #1 - But I didn't–

BANG!

NoName #1 drops to the ground.

NoName #2 - Maybe he's ok?

BANG! The guard fires another shot into NoName #1 to make sure he's dead.

Guard - All those found moving will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. This process will repeat until those found moving are dead. Now, come with us.

The crew stay put. The guard looks back at them.

Guard - Look, I don't make up slogans, I just say them. Just come this way, will ya?

The guard starts walking away.

Senseless - When in Rome...

Blavik - But we're not in Rome, sir.

Guard - Less talking, more walking!

Bios - I expect we've broken some sort of stupid rule and now they want to put us to death for it.

Tener - What makes you say that?

Bios - Because that's how it usually works. Remember that episode of TNG?

Blavik - Wishing death to Wesley Crusher can not be described as evil.

Senseless - Oh well, we've tried the non-interference crap. Let's just cut to the point where we beam out.

Guard - WALK! LORDS DAMN IT, WALK!

Senseless taps his combadge.

Senseless - Away team to Celestial. The locals aren't being very friendly. Beam us back.

Righteous - We can't! We're under attack!

Senseless - From whom!

Guard - You've got five seconds!

Righteous - From the blue team! AW! DAMN IT! THEY SUNK MY SCRABLESHIP!

Senseless - Grrr...Ensign...energize!

Guard - Time's up! People now start to die.

The team dematerializes but the locals open fire and kill the two NoNames. Senseless, Blavik, Bios, and Tener rematerialise on the transporter pad.

Tener (looking at the NoNames's corpses) - Oh well it was bound to happen.

Scene 3 - Main engineering. Suspenseful music is playing as Greaser walks around the awfully quiet main engineering room.

Greaser (talking to herself) - Ok...I've realigned the secondary plasma inducers, so now I need to...right, warp core diagnostic.

She walks up to a console which stands right next to the core and the music gets even more suspenseful and dramatic.

Greaser - TURN THAT OFF!

She turns and throws a tricorder at a NoName who is sitting on his console with a CD player and speakers next to him. He scrambles to get out of the way and trips on the speaker cord. Both fall to the floor and the music stops.

Greaser - That's better. Computer, begin a level 3 diagnostic on the matter/antimatter reaction control system.

Computer - Diagnostic underway.

Greaser - And get a more cheerful personality.

Computer - Unable to comply.

Greaser - Oh well I had to at least try.

A klaxon goes off.

Computer - Warning! Warp core micro-fracture detected. Containment fields cannot engage around weakened area.

Greaser - What! WHY?

Computer - Because you used that force field emitter to seal the hull breach on deck 5, you twit!

Greaser - Damn it! Where is the micro-fracture?

Computer - Core section 8, deck 14.

Greaser - Hey, you there with the time on your hands! Deck 14, warp core section 8! On the double!

As the NoName picks himself up and grumbles about hazard pay, a loud BANG! fills the room, followed by a hissing noise. Greaser looks up and sees steam shooting out of the warp core just above her.

Computer - Warning! Warning! Warp core breach! All hands, abandon ship!

Greaser - Sht if this ship explodes, Admiral Spot will KILL ME!

Greaser runs to the nearest lift and frantically hits the up button. She then stands still, listening to the elevator music as the one-person lift slowly (emphasis on slowly) makes it's way up to deck 14. Meanwhile the NoNames are running around screaming and flailing their arms as the red alert lights flash and the klaxons. Camera goes back to Greaser, who is still in the lift and is now chewing some bubblegum. Camera goes to the outside of the ship as escape pod hatches begin to open and pods float out. Camera goes to Greaser who is blowing a bubble. Camera goes to the bridge where the other senior officers are trying to eject the warp core, but to no avail. Camera goes back to Greaser, whose lift has finally stopped. She walks over to the jet of steam and sticks her chewed bubblegum in the hole, stopping the breach.

Computer - Core breach no longer imminent. You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.

Greaser - Meh, that gum was losing its flavour anyway.

Scene 4 - Bridge. Righteous, Center, Baque, Genocide, Greaser, and Puker are present.

Righteous - Sooooo...No core breach?

Greaser - No sir. I fixed it.

Righteous - Ok! I can live with that!

Senseless, Tener, Blavik, and Bios enter the bridge.

Senseless - Worst, away mission, ever!

Righteous - Oh?

Senseless - Somehow they all detected our beam in and surrounded us. Luckily we were able to beam out.

Bios - It seems making warp cores isn't all this pre-fusion era slumball can do.

Tener - I wonder who gave them the technology?

Righteous - You know who _I _blame? The Cardassians.

Genocide - The cardies? They've only been heard of maybe three times in the entire series!

Puker - Can't be them, sir. The major recurring villains this season are the Breen and the Orion Syndicate.

Tener - Yeah if I counted correctly there was about seven consecutive episodes _they_ were in.

Baque - Yeah...

Bios - Why are we talking about this?

Genocide - I don't know, because it takes our minds off the idea that the core shouldn't have broken without warning like that.

Righteous - Actually I read about the core only having a 120 day warranty or something. Wait, should I have told you all that?

Senseless - Yes sir, you probably should have.

Righteous - Oh well. Anyway, I think we should all go pray to the Prophets for continued stability in the Templar banks err I mean the quadrant.

Baque - Gee I'd love to, but I have to go to my quarters and slit my wrists! Some other time then?

Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep!

Baque - Someone get that!

Genocide presses a button on the console and the beeping stops.

Senseless - Well?

Genocide - Well what?

Senseless - Well what was the beeping about?

Genocide - I don't know I just turned off the sensors.

Senseless - ARGGG! TURN THEM BACK ON YOU IDIOT!

WHAM!(MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS)!

The ship rocks violently and everyone is thrown around.

Blavik - For what reason are the inertial dampeners not operating at maximum efficiency? Has Lieutenant Bios inadvertently damaged them again?

Bios - What the Windows are you still doing here? Get your sorry Vulcan ass down to sickbay, _ENSIGN!_

Puker - Causalities! FUN!

Dr. Puker runs into the turbolift, a huge grin on his face and rubbing his hands together. Blavik steps in next to him.

Puker - Deck 7 please.

Swoosh! Doors close.

Senseless - REPORT!

Genocide - Cardassian warship attacking us! Keldon class!

Righteous - HA! TOLD YOU! WHO HAS DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW!

A console at the back of the room sparks and burns a no name.

NoName #3 - AH! BURNING! BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!

Boom! The console explodes killing NoName #3 for no reason whatsoever.

Genocide - Their weapons are matching our shield frequency. It's like they have our access codes or something.

Senseless - You know, if we survive this, we _have_ to get around to changing our access codes once in a while. I think we've been using the same ones for two years now.

Righteous - Nah, too much paperwork. Mr. Genocide, kindly return fire.

Genocide (hitting buttons) - How the hell do you "kindly" shoot at someone?

Center - Shouldn't we have hailed them first like we're supposed to.

Senseless - Right! I knew we were forgetting to do something! Hail them ensign.

Computer - We're sorry, but you must dial 1, or 0, plus the area code, before entering the number. Please hang up and try your hail again.

Boom! Ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Quick! What's the Cardassian area code?

Bios - Uh...Hold on.

Bios reaches under her console and pulls out a phone book. She starts flipping through the pages.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Port shields have failed!

Bios - Centauran, Crystalline Entity, Columbari, Carrins...

Wham!

Genocide - Starboard shields are down!

Bios - Kazon, Klingon, Kzin...

Boom!

Genocide - Aft shields are down!

Bios - Talaxian, Tellerite, Tholion, Tosk, Triannon, Tribble..da hell?...Trill...

KA-BOOM!

Genocide - Forward shields are down!

Bios - Vaadwaur, Vidiian, Vorta, Voth, Vulcan...

Senseless - Lieutenant, you're going the wrong way!

BOOM!

Genocide - Dorsal shields are gone!

Bios - Right, sorry. Ba'ku, Bajoran, Benzite, Bolian–

Greaser - That's how it's spelled? Ah oh...

Bios - --Borg, Breen...

Boom!

Genocide - Ventral shields are down! All deflectors are offline! Request permission to begin ramming sequence!

Bios - Wait! Found it! Cardassian: 448!

Center - Hailing frequencies open!

Righteous - This is Captain Righteous Lee of the Federation starship Celestial. Please refrain from destroying us seeing as we mean you no harm.

The viewscreen, which is flashing "Impending Death Approaches," changes to show the inside of a Cardassian ship.

Gul Karat - I am Gul Karat of the Cardassian warship Somethingorother. We did not recognize your vessel's configuration. We are deeply saddened by any loss of life you may have experienced.

Genocide - Why? We aren't.

Karat - Yeah, I'll admit that statement was a lie...

Senseless - So what are you doing here? Don't you remember the terms of your surrender to us?

Karat - We surrendered to you?

Righteous - Yeah, funny, huh?

Senseless - Yes, you did, at the end of the Dominion War. So why are you here?

Karat - We were investigating an unidentified warp signature in this otherwise primitive solar system.

Righteous - A likely story...So likely in fact that I'll believe it, seeing as we're here for the same reason. So do you know anything we don't?

Karat - I know whose going to win gold in long jump at the 2382 Summer Olympic Games on Vulcan...

(And no, I didn't check to see if that was a year the summer Olympic games fall on so don't criticise me on that point!)

Senseless - That's really nice and all, but we should probably be focussing more on how these people can detect transporter signals so well that they were onto us almost as soon as we beamed down.

Karat - I agree. So, in that regard, I'm going to go park my ship at the edge of this system and watch you solve the mystery on my big screen TV. Ta ta!

Beep!

Baque - The Somethingorother is moving off.

Senseless - Organize damage teams to fix the ship. There will be a briefing for all senior staff in one hour. Now, go about your jobs.

The bridge crew all turn back to their consoles.

Greaser - I'll just go then...

Scene 5 - Briefing room, one hour later. Everyone important is present.

Greaser - What _idiot_ let pass the mention of their weapons matching our shield frequencies?

Center - I'm sure the captain is thinking about that. He's always one step ahead of the rest of us.

Righteous - Actually I'm glad you pointed that inconsistency out. I had totally forgotten about that!

Baque (to Center) - What you call one step ahead, the rest of us call ten steps behind.

Puker - So. Do we go back to the so far unnamed planet and snoop around some more, do we check out that moon with a fine toothed tricorder to see if there's any indication why there is a warp signature there, or do we call it a day and go home?

Senseless - The Prime Directive prevents us from interfering with the natural progression of any society, so returning to the planet when their already aware of us is out of the question. I'd say we should head for the moon.

Righteous - Well you aren't in command, are you, Commander? Nope, I say we call it a day and go home. Leave this one to the more advanced ships.

Tener - Um sir, that would be us.

Righteous - Not in the eyes of the Prophets we aren't.

Baque - Gee I wonder why...

Righteous - Set a course for Nimbus IX, warp 6. Engage when ready. Dismissed.

The crew get up, having mixed feelings about leaving the planet, but getting to take some time off as well.

Scene 6 - Celestial zooms through space backwards.

Righteous - Captain's log, supplemental. What does supplemental mean anyway? Hello? Oh, right, computer can't record and be talked to at the same time. Anyway, we're on our way to Nimbus IX to deliver some weird stuff that's been rotting in our cargo bays for the last 6 months.

Senseless - We haven't had the ship that long, captain.

Righteous - Oh...Ah oh! End log. Jack, you sure we're supposed to deliver something to Nimbus IX?

Senseless - That's what the orders from Starfleet say.

Genocide - Aren't those orders from Admiral Nelix?

Oh yeah, the scene is on the bridge and all the bridge officers except Bios are present because she isn't that important anyway.

Senseless - Admiral Nelix has not only renounced his involvement in the Syndicate publically, but has helped Starfleet Internal Security forces to round up thousands of other Starfleet defectors. In exchange for all this, the Federation council has granted him a full pardon, seeing as he's killed no one important throughout the whole ordeal. And besides, he finally got that Dominion destroyer he wanted, even if it did get pounded up a bit by the Borg Buster.

Righteous - So, back to 3D Scrabbleship. I want to be the blue team this time. They keep winning so maybe the Prophets don't like red or something. Must remind them of Pah Wraiths. But, it is not my place to question the will of the Prophets.

Baque - You want me to kick your ass again sir?

Righteous - Yes, but I'd prefer it if you at least let me get one or two shots fired before you do it this time. I'll tell you, antimatter scrabbleship isn't as fun as it sounds.

The ship starts shaking.

Baque - Odd...Warp field is fluctuating. I can't compensate!

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, what's happening! The core is fine but we've lost warp drive!

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios please report to the bridge. Ensign, what's going on.

Center - I'm reading a large amount of tacheyon radiation, antimatter residue, and subspace interference.

Senseless - Source?

Center - I don't know, but it's approaching...fast!

Bios enters the bridge and takes her station.

Bios - Not good, there's a massive displacement wave, moving toward us!

Righteous - On screen.

The Camera turns to look back at the crew away from the viewscreen. Everyone on the bridge, including the NoNames at the back, turn and look at the viewscreen with their mouths open and faces set in terror. Captain Sulu walks into the field of the camera in time to say:

Sulu - My...God!

Camera goes outside the ship, where a huge shockwave is moving toward the Celestial at breakneck speeds. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Senseless - All hands! Brace for impact.

NoName #4 - Ah I _hate_ it when he says that! It usually means one of us is going to die...

**_WHAM!_**(and yes, NoName #4 dies)

The ship shakes violently and everything is thrown around and consoles explode and 16 fluffy white kittens bound across the screen at random intervals and in random directions. The mindless shaking finally stops and the crew all look around them as the lights come back on.

Bios - Well, that was fun.

Righteous lifts one of the kittens off his face and sits up.

Righteous - What was that?

Center - According to these readings, that shockwave originated at bearing 482 mark q25

Baque - Why was there a "Q" in that?

Senseless - Where exactly did it come from?

Center - I think it came from sector 553. More accurately, the planet we just visited.

Righteous - Set a course for sector 553, maximum warp! We have to see if the Prophets spared any of those people from the restoration of their world!

--

Baque - Approaching the coordinates.

Senseless - All stop. On screen.

The viewscreen changes to show a cloud of rock and dust that oddly looks a lot like the one seen in "The Xindi" or whatever the season 3 premier of Enterprise was called.

Genocide - All this mindless destruction, and I wasn't involved in creating it? Why is the universe so cruel!

Senseless - Is the Somethingorother still in the system.

Bios - Yes sir.

Senseless - Hail them.

Beep! Bee boo beep!

Computer - We're sorry, but you must dial 1, or 0, plus the area code, before entering the number. Please hang up and try your hail again!

Center - Damn. Anyone remember what the Cardassian area code is again?

All - Err, no.

Bios - Fine, I'll get it.

She takes out the phone book and starts flipping through pages again.

Center - Wait! The Cardassian ship is hailing _us_!

Senseless - Thank god.

Center - What the! They called collect!

Senseless - GOD DAMN IT! On screen!

Gul Karat - Ummmmmmm yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss? Why are you back?

Senseless - What happened?

Karat - Gee, I wonder. I guess it all started twenty minutes ago when we decided to blow up their planet.

Genocide - You blew up an entire planet just for the hell of it? I'm impressed.

Senseless - Well I hope you know you just killed 2 billion people and sent the planet's moons flying through the system in all directions.

Bios - Actually sir, the planet's dust cloud is providing enough gravity to keep the moons in a highly eccentric yet stable orbit.

Karat - Welp, we'd love to stay and chat, but we've got a lot of work to do.

Senseless - You aren't going anywhere. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. We're placing you under arrest.

Karat - Oh yeah, you and what army?

Righteous - He's got us there commander.

Senseless - I hope you haven't forgotten you're only a single ship and we have an entire fleet within a day's distance.

Karat - You morons! I was just kidding! They blew themselves up. Looks like they were testing some kind of antimatter weapon.

Genocide - What kind of weapon.

Karat - It is a special generator that produces massive amount of antimatter by projecting a beam onto normal matter.

Senseless - And let me guess, they just developed this technology on their own?

Karat - We've been watching them for a while now and trying to duplicate their success, but to no avail. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to converse with my imaginary bridge crew about the massive damage we should have conceivably taken when the planet blew up. Never mind the fact that shockwaves can't move faster than the speed of light though. Bye!

Beep! The viewscreen goes back to the starfield screen saver.

Righteous - Well, nothing more to be figured out here. Let's go home now.

Senseless - Helm, set a course for the other inhabited planet.

Baque - FINE!

Senseless - Ensign, open hails on all frequencies. Lieutenant, have they taken any damage?

Bios - Looks like one of their moons was destroyed and their southernmost continent was pretty much rendered lifeless.

Center - I'm getting a response, on high frequency AM radio waves.

Genocide - Country-loving bastards...

Baque - Shut it! I like country music!

Center - On screen people.

A fatigued looking goofy forehead alien appears on the screen.

Goofy Forehead Alien - Please! Don't kill us!

Righteous - Don't worry, we're here to show you the ways of the Pro–

Senseless - We're here to help. Can you tell us anything about the explosion of the second planet?

Goofy Forehead Alien Who Is From Now On Called The First Minister - No, all we know is that our neighbours said something about a new toy a few hours ago and then, BOOM!

Senseless - How many people did you lose in the explosion?

First Minister - How the hell should I know? I'm only the leader, not the statistics expert.

Righteous - Hey have you heard of a Gul Karat?

First Minister - Um...Yep...You could say that...

Righteous - We're going to beam down to your location so we can talk in private. Please don't try to arrest us like the last group did.

First Minister - Ok, I'll try not to.

The transmission cuts.

Senseless - Well, something tells me we haven't heard the full tale of the Cardassian's involvement in this plot.

Baque - DUH! When has a large, powerful warship belonging to a hostile race showed up and _not_ been lying to us from the beginning? Tell me, when?

Righteous - Well there was that time with the Borg...

Scene 7 - Wow, this has to be the lowest number of scenes that I've ever used. Oh well, Celestial 13 had way too many so I guess this makes up for it. Anywho, Righteous, Senseless, Tener, and some more NoNames beam down to the First Minister's office. I've always wondered why they're all called "First Minister" or something corny like that, but let's not dwell on it right now.

First Minister - Welcome, strangers from the sky!

Righteous - Ok let's get the formalities over with. We represent a large and technologically advanced peaceful coalition of worlds and are here in the hopes of advancing our knowledge and understanding. We expect to be arrested and subjected to your strange and appalling local rules that usually involve death to one of us.

First Minister - I represent a backwater, primitive society who strangely symbolizes an aspect of humanity which you intend to explore in this your 14th episode of the series. We have every intention of arresting and attempting to kill you based on some stupid misunderstanding that shouldn't even happen seeing as we should be terrified of your advanced ways.

Righteous - Nice to meet you.

First Minister - Likewise.

Senseless - Did you ever have contact with the people on the other planet?

First Minister...Screw It I'm Calling Him Larry - Yes, we've had open trade with them for many years.

Senseless - Did you ever suspect they may have been developing some kind of super weapon and testing it?

Larry - Well, not really...I mean, not for a while now. In fact, I don't think they've done any weapons research since the Cardassians came.

Righteous - Them again...

Senseless - The Cardassians have been supplying weapons to pre-warp species?

Larry - ...I don't know what pre-warp means so I'm going to say yes.

Righteous - I'd say it's terrible that the Cardassians would be trying to get allies from primitive cultures, but after seeing Insurrection, I think I have to keep my mouth shut.

Senseless - Well, it's been nice meeting you, but we have to run. We'll send a ship later on with relief supplies. In the meantime, we'll deal with the Cardies and you probably won't hear from them ever again.

Tener - That and the fact we won't hear from _you_ ever again either.

Senseless - Away team to Celestial, five to beam up.

Tener (whispering to Senseless) - We have no intention of sending a ship, do we?

Senseless (whispering back) - If we sent a ship to all the planets Starfleet ships have promised to send them to, our fleet would be spread so thin that something bad could happen and not only would we be the only ship in the area capable of dealing with it, but we wouldn't find out about it until about a month after it happened!

As the First Minister waves goodbye, Righteous, Senseless, Tener, and the two NoNames are beamed away.

Scene 8 - The away team materializes on the transporter pad. As the senior officers get off the pad, one of the NoNames starts staring off into space and patting his stomach as if making sure he still exists.

NoName #5 - We're still alive?

NoName #6 - We're still alive!

NoName #5 and 6 - YAY!

They start dancing around in a circle on the transporter pad as Righteous and Senseless and Tener head for the door. All of a sudden, the ship shakes violently and the transporter pad explodes, killing both the two NoNames and the no-name transporter operator.

Tener - Oh well it was bound to happen.

Righteous - Righteous to bridge, are we under attack from a giant purple monkey in a warp-capable dishwasher?

Center - No sir, the Cardassians are attacking us.

Righteous - Well I was close.

They all leave the room and head to the bridge. However, halfway down the corridor, a yellow-shirt steps in front of them holding up a phaser.

NoName #7 - Don't move!

Righteous throws up his hands in surrender, but Tener and Senseless just roll their eyes and stun the stupid NoName, who happens to be holding his phaser backwards.

Righteous - Good work men!

Senseless - Lieutenant, take this man to sickbay. I have a feeling that a very large and until now unexplained plot hole will soon be filled.

Scene 9 - Bridge. Senseless and Righteous walk in. Everyone else who should be there is already there.

Genocide - The Somethingorother is attacking us.

Center - I've already tried hailing them, no response.

Baque - No we can't shake them, since that will probably be your next question.

Bios - And to top it all off, they _still_ have our shield frequencies!

Senseless - Then just change our shield frequencies!

Bios - Ooooooooooooh! Good idea, Commander! Teach a person to fish, eh?

Genocide - He, he, got a lock on their warp core. Permission to fire?

Senseless - Since you actually asked permission this time, I'm going to say "yes."

Whee whee!

Camera goes out into space as the Cardassian ship gets a hole blown through it by a tricobalt torpedo. Camera goes to the bridge of the Somethingorother...

Gul Karat - Unseen crew! Get us out of here before–

He is cut off as a wall of fire tears through the bridge.

Scene 10 - Sickbay, deck 7, section 9...I guess...oh well. That whole battle was a total waste of time but who cares? Back to sickbay. Everyone is present and standing around the central biobed, which NoName #7 is sitting on. The only difference is that he now looks Cardassian.

Puker - To put it briefly, he pulled a Seska.

Everyone shudders at the thought of Voyager's first two seasons.

Greaser - Well this explains a lot now doesn't it?

Tener - In exchange for not being blown out an airlock "accidentally," our friend has told us of all the sabotage he did on the ship. He was responsible for the micro-fracture just recently, and the giving of our shield frequencies to the cardies, and a number of other things going all the way back to 14 episodes ago when he stole 19 gel packs from deck...um...something, and caused a coolant leak on decks 14, 15, and 16.

Genocide - That's impossible.

Blavik - We had him hooked up to a lie detector. Believe me, it's true.

Genocide - No, it's impossible for a single NoName to survive almost 8 months on this ship. Think of all we've been through! We've rammed a Borg cube, crashed in San Francisco, been invaded by radioactive mutant zombie nonames, had the ship destroyed, been thrown back and forward in time, been infested by more zombie mutants, gone to hell and back, had a stolen Borg cutting beam fired through the stardrive, had Microsoft products installed on our main computer, been in a massive battle with the Breen, and endured a cheesy Christmas special! How can anyone with a name survive such a season?

Baque - What is this, a recap episode?

NoName #8 (blueshirt at back of room) - Well actually I was there too and I'm still–

Bzzzt! Genocide shoots him with his phaser.

Greaser - Ok so you've sabotaged us before, anything else you should know about before we turn you over to Starfleet Intelligence?

NoName #7 - Just one last thing I did...

Righteous - Oooh sounds like fun! What is it this time?

NoName #7 - You'll find out in 5...4...3...2...1...

Boom! Lights flicker, shaking.

NoName #9 - Engineering to Sickbay! Every warp coil in both nacelles has just been fused by some bomb! Warp drive is gone for good!

Greaser - Why I outta! I WORK TOO GOD DAMNED LONG EACH DAY AS IT IS!

She lunges at NoName #7 and starts wringing his scaly Cardassian neck.

Senseless - Ensign, hail Starfleet and ask for a repair ship to be sent immediately.

Center - Sure, sir.

He goes to a console and hits some buttons.

Computer - Bee boo beep! We're sorry, but you must dial–

Center - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

THE END

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."

NoName #9 - I like pie.


	15. Celestial 15

Celestial #15: Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall, Whose The Dumbest One Of All?

(The title is no longer than "For the world is Hollow, and I have touched the sky" so neh)

By Swordtail

Started December 23, 2005

Finished December 31, 2005

Scene 1 - Camera is on a large, gray, sphere with a rough surface. The camera pans around and zooms in on the Opaka Class starship which is parked a short difference from the burnt out star. As the camera goes around this ship, we see that it is painted differently from the Celestial, and has been christened ISS Celestial. Camera jumps to the bridge of this ship. The bridge is different, and everyone has a dagger and a phaser in their belt. Other than the fact that Senseless has a beard, everything else is pretty much the same.

Mirror Righteous - Mr. Genocide, I don't like to be kept waiting...

Mirror Genocide - Sorry sir, I'm ready now.

Mirror Senseless - Then by all means, fire!

Camera goes out into space. The Mirror Celestial fires a tricobalt torpedo directly into the burnt out star. With a cool CG effect, the core explodes violently. The shockwave moves over the Mirror Celestial but it's shields hold. On the bridge.

Mirror Bios - It's working! Subspace fluctuations are at 30 terra hertz and climbing!

Mirror Righteous - Then you all know what this means...

Mirror Senseless - Yes, it means we have a weapon powerful enough to destroy the Alliance!

Mirror Righteous - Well that too, but I was going to say that we finally have a way to crush the False Prophets once and for all! Long live the Pah Wraiths!

The rest of the crew groan at having to listen to Mirror Righteous's religious preachings yet again.

Scene 2 - Camera zooms in on the _real_ USS Celestial, from our universe. Inside, on the bridge...Once again it is night, so only Baque, Genocide, and Center are present.

Baque - I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored. I wish something exciting would happen.

Genocide - I wouldn't say that if I were you...

Center's console starts beeping.

Baque - What now?

Center - A brown dwarf just off the port bow just exploded. It formed some kind of rift.

Baque - Shit! Warp field just went offline! We're being pulled in!

Genocide - Can you break us away? Wait, dumb question. This is Star Trek: Of course not.

Baque - Acceleration at 47 m/s2. I can't break us free! Try blowing up the anomaly!

Genocide - Phasers are having no effect. I'm going to try a tricobalt torpedo. They can tear open subspace, it's only logical that they can seal subspace anomalies as well.

Center - What?

Baque - SHIT! Stardrive has passed the point of no return! There goes the option of warping out. Impulse engines are overheating!

Center - Shut 'em down!

Baque - Are you nuts? We'll be pulled in!

Center - I'm detecting normal space on the other side. I think a bumpy ride is preferable to having no engines once we get there.

Baque - Fine, but if you're wrong...I'll kill you myself.

Senseless, Righteous, Bios, and Blavik run onto the bridge.

Righteous - What's happening?

Baque - No time to explain...shutting down engines...

The camera zooms outside the ship as the red hot impulse engines shut off and the ship is pulled into the rift. On the bridge, someone puts a thin red plastic film over the camera lens.

NoName #1 - Sir, what's happening?

They all turn around and look at the NoName as he starts crazily laughing and dies slowly (I _think_ that's what happened in that episode of TOS).

Senseless - What happened to him?

Baque - I'm assuming you only care because it could also happen to us.

Blavik (scanning the air) - There is a interspatial field permeating the hull. It's disrupting our cellular cohesion. Also, considerable amounts of microwave radiation are evaporating the water from our bodies even as we speak.

Bios - What does that have to do with going crazy and just dying?

Righteous - Come to think of it I am getting thirsty.

Senseless - Is there anyway to stop it from killing us all?

Blavik - Perhaps. Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, please adjust the shields to a frequency of 0.0053 micro hertz.

Genocide pushes a few buttons.

Blavik - That's better. The interspatial field is no longer affecting us.

Bios walks up to the camera and removes the red film from the lens.

Baque - We're exiting the rift.

Center - Sensors coming back online.

Senseless - On screen.

The viewscreen changes to show the ISS Celestial looking back at them.

Long pause...The crew just look around the room, shaking their heads or staring at the floor, since they have a vague idea of what's just happened, judging by the yellow markings on the other ship.

Righteous - Wait a minute! Those sinning bastards stole our ship! How dare they!

The rest of the crew groan at Righteous's stupidity.

Opening credits. Theme song: Session. I already changed the opening sequence once for Celestial 6 and 7 so don't expect me to change it again.

Scene 3 - On board the Mirror Celestial's mirror bridge.

Mirror Righteous - Wait a minute! Those sinning bastards stole our ship! How dare they!

Mirror Center - Mother Fer! Stupid idiot! It's just the real Celestial from the real universe!

Mirror Righteous - I knew that.

Mirror Senseless - If it truly is from the non-mirror universe, than chances are it is as powerful or perhaps more powerful than our ship. Let's try a little bluffing. Hail them.

Mirror Center - They're hailing us, sir.

Mirror Righteous - On screen.

Righteous' face appears on the screen.

Mirror and Real Righteous - Woah! He looks just like me!

Mirror Senseless - This is the Terran Warship Celestial. Who are you, and how did you get here?

Senseless - We'd like to know the same thing.

Mirror Righteous - You don't know who you are?

Mirror Senseless - No, you idiot, he means how they got here.

Righteous - Oh, yeah, that's what we meant.

Senseless - This is the Federation starship Celestial. I have a feeling we've been pulled into the mirror universe somehow.

Mirror Bios (to Mirror Senseless) - That's probably due to the little experiment we just did.

Bios (to Senseless) - It probably has something to do with that tricobalt torpedo we launched into the rift.

Mirror Senseless - I suggest we talk more about this, face to face. Beam over to our ship.

Senseless - No, you beam over here.

Mirror Senseless - This is our universe, you beam over here!

Senseless - We're from the "good" universe, which means _we_ can be trusted. _You _beam over _here_.

Mirror Senseless - This could take all day. Fine, we'll beam over there, just for the hell of it, but I'm taking my security officer with me.

Righteous - Fair enough. We'll match him with our security officer.

Mirror Righteous - Ok, mirror Celestial mirroring out.

Beep! Viewscreen goes back to showing the other ship. On the mirror bridge.

Mirror Senseless - Sir, you're having way too much fun with this.

Scene 4 - Transporter room one, real Celestial. Mirror Righteous, Mirror Senseless, and Mirror Genocide materialize on the platform. Senseless, Righteous, and Tener are present.

Mirror Righteous - Who is that?

Senseless - Our chief of security, Lieutenant Tener.

Mirror Righteous - Never heard of him.

Righteous - He's the NoName you promoted back in Mirror Celestial 1.

Mirror Genocide - Ha! In our universe, we never allow NoNames to get named.

Tener - Then how did any of you ever get to where you are?

Mirror Senseless - Err..ah...Don't point out plot holes!

Shortly later, the six officers enter the briefing room. Everyone else from the real Celestial is already present.

Senseless - Ok, we've yet to add any drama to this script so why don't you just tell us how you intend to doublecross us?

Mirror Righteous - We want your ship to add to our growing fleet of Terran Rebellion ships.

Puker - That was easy.

Mirror Senseless - Well, there's really no point in hiding it is there? After all, you already expect us to be evil, and there is absolutely no way to stop us from killing you all.

Greaser - He's right there. I've pressed every button in Engineering and I still can't get us out of here.

Tener - Is that why the warp core is floating just off the port bow?

Bios - Actually, that was me. Sorry.

Mirror Righteous - So as we were implying, you can't stop us, so just surrender.

Genocide - What if I kill you all right here and now?

Mirror Genocide - You don't have the guts!

Genocide - I have more guts than you, pal!

Mirror Genocide - Bring it!

Both Genocides raise their phasers and simultaneously fire. The beams meet just above the middle of the table and explode, blowing everyone in the room against the walls.

Senseless - Damn it, we gave you the Defiant, you don't need our ship too!

Mirror Genocide - ...actually you gave us two...

Center - Huh?

Mirror Genocide - Never mind.

Mirror Senseless - Yeah, well, it broke after 90 days.

Mirror Righteous - Quick! Daring exit! Bzzzzzzzzzt!

The rest of the people in the room just look at him as he spins around in circles pretending he's being transported. Mirror Senseless taps his combadge without taking his eyes off of Mirror Righteous.

Mirror Senseless - Mirror Celestial, this is the mirror away team. Mirror transport us back to the mirror ship right now.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! The mirror crew peoples are mirrorly beamed away.

Dr. Puker - How many times are we going to hear the word mirror? It's starting to give me an inflamation of the prefrontal cortex.

Scene 5 - Camera is on the two ships.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435493.3. Here we are, stuck in the mirror universe, in a really corny episode, about to begin battling our alter ego's in what will probably end up being a total rip off of the space battle scene in Nemesis. Not that anyone really cares though. Seeing as we have no other reason to start firing phasers, I say we're fighting in the name of the Prophets. Looks like we're going to join them soon because Lieutenant Bios said she can't find any way out of this universe.

Bios - I never said that! It's as easy as pushing a button!

Righteous - Whatever. So, this will be my last log entry, and should our luck run out, I'd just like to state for the record that the crew acted with bravery and something else that I can't think of right now, but seeing as the main computer core is about to be obliterated, it really doesn't matter what I state seeing as no one's ever going to hear it. End log.

Genocide - The Mirror Celestial is charging it's mirror phasers and raising their mirror shields.

Puker - That's getting really annoying, really fast.

Senseless - Shouldn't you be in Sickbay?

Puker - We also should have told Starfleet what was happening to us as soon as that rift opened but we didn't, did we?

Senseless - Fine, stay here, you can treat us when we get dramatically blown across the room.

Center - Um, sir, I'm detecting a large armada of ships approaching at warp 5. They will be here in a few minutes.

Genocide - More targets. Let me at em, sir!

Senseless - By all means, Mr. Genocide, fire at will.

Crappy dramatic music starts playing as the Camera goes out into space and watches the port main phaser strip charge up and launch a stream of ..yeah, yeah, you get the idea. The Celestial opens fire on it's Mirror Universe counterpart. The mirror universe ship returns fire and also misses. On the real bridge...

Righteous - Ok, this could get tedious.

Baque - They're matching our speed!

Genocide - They're matching our god damned fire power!

Greaser - They're matching our hair styles!

Center - Oh, you were here?

Baque - See? This is what happens when you don't have a "who's here" line in the opening of each scene.

Tener - I'm not here.

Blavik - Nor am I.

Baque - Gee thanks for giving us those confusing tidbits.

Center - Those ships will be in range in two minutes and we don't stand a chance against them.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks. Genocide suddenly stands up straight and snaps his fingers.

Genocide - I've got it! Who here can act?

The rest of the crew sort of look around and shrug. The camera goes out into space as the Celestial rams the Mirror Celestial, resulting in both ships losing shields.

Senseless - Now, Genocide!

On the mirror bridge...

Mirror Senseless - What the hell!

Bzzzzzzzzzzt! They are all transported away. In their place, the real senior staff, all ten of them, materialize on the mirror bridge and take their mirror stations.

Senseless - Time?

Genocide - Up.

Camera goes to the real bridge. The entire mirror senior staff, all nine of them, are standing around. The camera pans to the viewscreen, which is counting down.

Viewscreen - 3...2...1...Happy New Year!

Camera goes out into space and looks back at the real Celestial, just as it's bridge explodes and kills everyone in it. Camera goes to the mirror bridge.

Righteous - Was it truly necessary to kill them?

Puker - Of course. Didn't you see that Stargate episode? Two objects can't simultaneously exist in the same universe without going through a major plot device.

Tener - But their atoms still exist, so aren't we still facing the same problem?

Puker - Lieutenant, the author worked long and hard on this. It's not polite to point out the plot holes.

Genocide - Well, time to clean up loose ends.

As he reaches for the fire button on the tactical console, everyone else yells:

Everyone Else - NO!

Genocide - Gah! What? Why not?

Greaser - Because that ship is worth more than the rest of us combined. Just, I don't know, hide it or something.

Center - Captain, we're being hailed by the approaching ships. They are asking if we need assistance and want to know who our current captain is so they can update the ever changing crew rosters.

Senseless - Ok, Ensign, stall them or something. Open a secure channel to the Celestial.

Center - Channel open sir. I have NoName #1 on a secure channel.

Senseless - Ok, crewman–

NoName #1 - Actually sir, I'm a lieutenant.

Senseless - Whatever. Take the Celestial and hide it somewhere. We'll transmit the secret signal when we want you to come find us, or we'll start a major battle with some powerful ship and you can come rescue us or whatever. Don't get killed until we get back please.

NoName #1 - Don't worry sir, you can count on me. Or on one of the 693 other people on the ship.

Center - Sir, I can't stall them anymore. Opening a channel.

On the viewscreen, the face of Mirror Janeway appears.

Mirror Janeway - Is there a problem gentlemen? Our scans indicate that you took some damage to your shields prior to winning the glorious battle.

Righteous - Nope. No problems. No siree. Not us. Everything's–

Janeway - Good. Go help the second fleet in their battle against the Alliance at Terok Nor. I'm just going to sit here and drink my coffee, oblivious to the fact that the ship you just "beat" is skulking away at warp 9.94.

The channel cuts.

Genocide - I wouldn't think Voyager would have existed in the mirror universe.

Baque - Of course it did, didn't you ever see "Living Witness?"

Senseless - That was close. I guess we'd better set a course for Bajor before they get suspicious.

Righteous - Yes...Bajor...According to this computer terminal I'm looking at right now, the Pah Wraiths have killed the Prophets and taken up residence in the Celestial Temple. Our best course of action would be to DESTROY THE WORMHOLE! BWA HA HA HA!

Blavik - Perhaps, but the most logical course of action would be to put our heads between our legs and kiss our butts goodbye. We are but two ships, one of which is being commandeered, the other of which is being commanded by a NoName, amongst thousands of hostile vessels. We currently have no way back, and no one is willing to help us.

Righteous - What about the Terran Rebellion? They were always a nice group of people.

Genocide hops over the user-definable railing behind the command chairs and slaps Righteous on the back of the head.

Genocide - Idiot! What kind of ship do you think we're in! A pleasure craft! This _is_ a Terran Rebellion warship!

A NoName walks onto the bridge.

NoName #2 - Here's the weekly security report, sir–Woah, was there a uniform change that I wasn't told of, or are you really the crew from the other ship impersonating our dearly departed comrades?

Genocide breaks his neck before he can decide.

Genocide - I suggest we try to blend in. Thankfully, there aren't any senior officers on this ship so all we have to deal with are stupid NoNames.

Scene 6 - Mirror sickbay. Blavik and Bios are crowding around Greaser who is holding a PADD which is displaying the specs for the female uniform, which oddly looks a lot like the one from the Enterprise era.

Greaser - Uh uh. No way in HELL I'm wearing _this_!

Puker - Thank god for that...

Greaser - What did you say?

Puker - Uh, ah, I think I saw a rat! Got to go!

Greaser - Ok girls, here's the deal: We continue to wear what we're wearing now and if anyone questions it, we just say it's the latest fashion craze. Nothing works better than making up gossip.

Sure enough, two hours later, everyone on the ship is wearing the same non-revealing outfits that's kept Star Trek's rating down for years. In fact, the gossip has spread so fast that it has reached Earth, where Empress Spot is walking down a corridor in her brand spanking new colossal ship, the ISS Litterbox. She passes a group of crewmen who are all wearing the "new" uniform.

Spot - What are you assholes doing out of uniform?

NoName #3 - Oh we're in the _in_ uniform, ma'am, it's the new craze.

NoName #4 - Yeah, those old, raggy, designs are so two hours ago.

Spot - Who started this!

NoName #5 - Lieutenant Commander Greaser of the ISS Celestial.

The NoNames pass by and Spot thinks to herself.

Spot - Greaser, Celestial, hmmmm...I think I'd better pay them a visit. Especially considering the recent experiment I've had them doing. I probably shouldn't be talking out loud, but I love to hear myself talk. Me, me, me, me, me, God I love me!

Scene 7 - In the astrometrics lab of the ISS Celestial, which only finds and scans "targets of opportunity," Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Genocide, and Puker are standing around looking at a readout for fleet movements in the sector.

Greaser - Has anyone ever dictated how big a sector really is?

Senseless - The measuring systems employed by the Federation are extremely complex and we don't have time to talk about them. However, a sector is 20 cubic lightyears in case you actually care.

Greaser - Well I did, because this ship's warp core varies from ours in that the warranty is measured in sectors destroyed, not lightyears crossed.

Puker - Judging by the look of this cool map, it looks like the two major superpowers in the Alpha and Beta quadrants are the Terran Empire and the Alliance.

Senseless - It almost looks like the Terran Rebellion got the boost it needed with the Defiant, and was able to regain it's lost power. Guess we have Sisko to thank for our impending doom.

Genocide - So by the looks of this fleet readout, we're facing almost ten thousand warships that are being operated by both powers.

Righteous - Where's our Celestial?

Genocide hits some buttons on the console and the screen zooms in on the Opaka Class ship, placing a circle with the text "Ooh! Ooh! Blow this up!" around it.

Genocide - I wouldn't have been able to find it except that I knew exactly what to look for. Looks like that NoName managed to get the ship to set down on a planet with a major case of depression.

Greaser - They landed on Ferenginar, didn't they?

Genocide - ...Yeah...

Righteous - You know, I'd expect the crew to be a little more observant. After all, we did disobey that order to return to Earth.

Others - WHAT!

Righteous - Oh I didn't tell you? Must have slipped my mind. Empress Spot ordered us to return to Earth immediately or be sought out and destroyed. But I don't like Earth so we're going to Bajor just like Captain Janeway said.

Senseless - Captain, you really are an idiot.

Righteous - Thank you, I think...

Genocide - I think we ought to get to the bridge on the double.

They all walk to the back of the room and the doors open, revealing seven yellow shirts holding the most deadly looking phaser rifles ever seen.

NoName #6 - Hello, _mirror_ senior officers!

Greaser - Oh not good.

Righteous - Ok, listen, there's been a great big misunderstanding.

Genocide - Crewman, you're holding that rifle wrong.

NoName #6 - Uh..?

Genocide - For optimal aiming and minimum effect of kickback, you need to nestle it between your arm and the side of your torso.

NoName #6 - Oooh! You mean like this?

Genocide - No, no, here, let me show you.

NoName #6 gives the compression rifle to Genocide. The other no names are now watching the demonstration for little tidbits on how to stay alive in a fire fight.

Genocide - Like this. See how easy it is for me to pull this trigger and kill you all in a quick, efficient swing of the rifle?

NoName #6 - Yeah, that does look easie–

BZZZZZZT!

The other officers look from the burnt corpses to Genocide.

Genocide - Like shooting tribbles in a quadrotriticale container.

Senseless - Good work Commander. Let's go. Something tells me they weren't just your average mutiny.

NoName #7 (lying on the ground) - What? _I_ was!

NoName #6 (also dying) - Shut up and die like the rest of us.

Scene 8 - Bridge. Baque, Center, and Bios are present as Greaser, Puker, Senseless, and Righteous enter.

Baque - Sup, hommie G's?

Greaser - We are not your hommie's...although two of our names do start with G.

Bios - Why so panicked looking?

Senseless - I think we've been discovered.

Center - Well, that would explain this large, powerful warship approaching us at warp 9.

Genocide - Should I raise shields?

Righteous - What the hell do you think? I'd really like to know, because I sure don't have a clue what we should do.

Senseless - Arm all weapons.

Genocide - Our weapons are down! Shields are failing!

Center (to camera) - For those of you who are confused, the battle hasn't started yet.

Senseless - Stop imitating Scotty from the Star Trek 20th Anniversary Enhanced CD game and tell us why the weapons don't work.

Greaser - Perhaps I can spill some photons on the situation. Looks like someone cut the ODN relays to most of the bridge systems.

Center - We're being hailed. Audio only.

Beep!

Spot - This is Empress Spot of the Terran Empire. You have committed an act of war against the Empire and will be destroyed. Die soon and suffer. ISS Litterbox out.

Bios - Litterbox! That ship is enormous! We don't stand a chance!

Senseless - Impossible. There's no way the mirror universe could even fathom something like that. It's probably much smaller.

The viewscreen changes to show the ISS Litterbox in comparison to the Celestial. It looks an awful lot like those Dominion Command ships or whatever the big ones are called these days.

Senseless - Oh look everyone! _It's even bigger!_

Tener and Blavik enter the bridge.

Blavik - My weak psychic powers that I've never mentioned before have alerted me to the situation and I've explained it to Lieutenant Tener. Is there any way to defeat the giant amoeba?

Puker - Actually, Ensign, we're facing a giant warship commanded by Mirror Admiral Spot.

Tener - I_ TOLD _you the amoeba story had been done before!

Righteous - Well, we don't stand a chance. Time to pray. La, la, blah, blah, Prophets, hallowed are the Ori...Wait that's not right...DAMN! I can't concentrate with a great big ship about to be entering weapons range.

Genocide - And speak of the Devil.

BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks!

Genocide - There go the shields...

KA-BOOM! All consoles explode, no one injured.

Genocide - And everything else...

Center - They're preparing to fire their main torpedo launcher. Ouch time...

Baque (pointing at viewscreen) - Wait! What's that?

Tener - It's a bird!

Bios - It's a plane!

Center - No, it's the USS Celestial!

Long pause.

Righteous - Think it's too late to call in a bird or a plane?

The viewscreen changes to show none other than NoName #1 sitting on the Celestial's battlebridge.

NoName #1 - Never fear, the nameless crew are here.

Senseless - Crewman–

NoName #1 - I'm Lieutenant Junior Grade Joe Lynch! Not a nameless crewman!

Baque - Named yourself...big mistake buddy.

Senseless - Whatever. Just beam us back before the ship get's blown to smithereens.

NoName #1 - Fine, fine, you sorry excuse for a main character...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzt! The Celestial senior staff materialize on the battlebridge.

Genocide - You're relieved, crewman.

Bzzzzt!

Genocide - I love this phaser rifle!

Baque - Ok, the other ship is still pounding the crap out of the Mirror Celestial. They haven't detected us yet though.

Righteous - Oh, and why is that?

Greaser - My God...These NoNames managed to construct a makeshift cloaking device from loose parts lying around the ship!

Senseless - Sheesh, maybe we should leave them in charge more often.

Greaser - I wouldn't. They needed to use something from the forcefield emitters on deck 2 and depressurised the whole deck.

Senseless - Great. Lieutenant Bios, can you recreate the rift that brought us here?

Bios - I certainly can. Activating secondary deflector for normal use..

Righteous - Why would we want to do that?

Just as he finishes the sentence, the science console sparks and the camera goes out into space. A big bolt of lightening flies out of the secondary deflector (perched between the two hull rams) and opens a rift.

Senseless - Helm, full speed ahead!

The Celestial flies forward just as the ISS Litterbox blows up the ISS Celestial and begins to turn toward the rift. Meanwhile, on the other side, the USS Celestial pops out of nowhere and nearly clips the USS Saratoga. On the Saratoga's bridge...

Captain Farfetched - Son of a jackass!

Commander Shelby - Where the hell did they come from?

Lieutenant Scratcher - UNKNOWN, MA'AM! THERE WAS A MOMENTARY FLUCTUATION IN THE FABRIC OF SPACETIME MA'AM! WE ARE BEING HAILED, SIR!

Farfetched - On screen...

Beep!

Righteous - Howdy! We were gone, but now we're back. No harm done, so don't say jack–

Farfetched - You jackasses gave Starfleet quite a scare. We were sure you'd gone and entered fluidic space or something dumb like that.

Righteous - Celestial out!

Camera goes to the Celestial's bridge.

Senseless - That was way too easy.

Righteous - You mean getting off skipping the universe with just a warning?

Senseless - No, I mean getting back at all. We're only three quarters through the episode and we've already gotten back.

Blavik - Perhaps we are back so soon so we have more time to face the moral implications of killing ourselves from the mirror universe.

Everyone shudders at the mention of touchy-feely scenes.

Scene9 - Camera is in the Saratoga, on the bridge.

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Well, I doubt we've seen the last of the Celestial for a while, after all–

Scratcher - UNIDENTIFIED CRAFT DECLOAKING OFF THE PORT BOW, SIR!

Shelby - Shields up! Red alert!

Scratcher - THEY'RE TARGETING THE CELESTIAL!

Farfetched - What a bloody shame...

NoName #8 - Captain!

Farfetched - I know, I know, target their weapons and prepare to fire. Open hailing frequencies.

Scratcher - HAILING FREQUENCIES OPEN, SIR!

Shelby - ...Why don't you just yell at them they'll probably hear you across the emptiness of space...

Farfetched - This is Captain Leon Farfetched of the Federation starship Saratoga. Identify yourself and stand down, not necessarily in that order.

Scratcher - THEY ARE NOT RESPONDING, SIR!

Garsh - They're firing on the Celestial.

Camera goes the bridge of the Celestial.

Righteous - Them again?

Bios - They must have followed us through the rift.

Senseless - I KNEW it was too easy!

Genocide - They're opening fire!

Righteous - SHIELDS!

BOOM, ship lurches violently, consoles explode.

Center - Decks 1 through 3 have been vaporised! Casualty reports are coming in!

Senseless - Mr. Genocide, return fire! Hit them with everything we've got.

Camera goes out into space as the ship launches phasers, photon torpedoes, quantum torpedoes, tricobalt torpedoes, throwing knives, a spoon or two, the kitchen sink, dead no names, lead pipes, a stuffed Elmo toy, Steven Harper, leola root, the entire collection of William Shakespeare, and several other unidentifiable objects. On the ISS Litterbox...

Empress Spot - My God! They've got Steven Harper and Elmo! Retreat! Retreat!

NoName #9 - To where, ma'am?

Spot kills NoName #9

Spot - To hell, you sorry excuse for an unpaid extra!

NoName #10 - Should I open a rift back to our universe?

Spot - What the hell do you think!

NoName #10 - No then?

Spot kills NoName #10 with her trusty magnum.

Spot - Only remaining NoName! Open a rift! Hurry, before they call in rein–

Boom, ship rocks, spark!

NoName #11 - We're under attack!

Spot kills NoName #11 just for stating the obvious.

Spot - All this senseless killing and destruction...I love my job..

Scene 10 - Camera is in space as the USS Litterbox attacks the ISS Litterbox. On the Celestial's bridge, the crew are looking at the viewscreen which is showing Admiral Spot in a very bad mood.

Admiral Spot - If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times: DON'T BRING BACK UNWANTED GUESTS TO OUR GALAXY!

Righteous - Does this mean we don't get our op bonus?

Spot - You don't get paid you moron.

Baque - Then why the hell do we work for Starfleet?

Spot - Free food, free housing, and an annual company picnic. Get used to it. Spot out. Oh, and get your ass to the nearest starbase and get fixed...AGAIN! My God! Can't you go ONE FING WEEK WITHOUT BEING THE CRAP KICKED OUT OF YOUR SHIP! STARFLEET IS PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE TO KEEP YOU BOZO'S IN ONE PIECE JUST SO _BAJOR_ IS KEPT HAPPY AND WE CAN CONTINUE TO USE THE _GOD DAMNED WORMHOLE!_

Righteous - But you just said the Federation doesn't use currency!

Spot - WE'RE PAYING IN OTHER WAYS! I'VE BEEN WORKING OVERTIME FOR THE LAST YEAR JUST TO FILL OUT ALL THE PAPERWORK REQUIRED TO KEEP YOUR ASSES IN ONE PIECE! CATS ARE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP 16 HOURS A DAY AND I'VE BEEN GETTING SIX! NO WONDER I'M SO CRANKY, SO NOW I'M GOING TO ROYALLY TAKE MY RAGE OUT ON THIS MIRROR UNIVERSE SHIP AND LEAVE NO SURVIVORS! GOD DAMN IT!

Beep! The channel cuts.

Baque - Sooooo...Starbase 902?

Righteous - Sounds good.

The Celestial blasts off at Ludicrous speed!

Scene 11 - USS Saratoga, bridge.

Commander Shelby - Well I sure am glad _we_ weren't involved in a fight with a counterpart ship from another universe that had the same abilities as us and was more brutal.

Scratcher - OPS REPORTING, SIR! THE ZOMBIE SHIP IS APPROACHING US AT WARP 4 SIR! THEY WILL BE IN WEAPONS RANGE IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES, SIR!

Farfetched - You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?

Shelby - God damn it.

THE END

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."

Scene 12 - As credits roll, camera is on Baque, who is sleeping in his bead. All of a sudden he wakes with a jolt.

Baque - Wait a minute! I forgot to kill Ensign Center myself for convincing us to shut down the engines!

He picks up a baseball bat and leaves the room.


	16. Celestial 16

Star Trek Celestial #16 - Imbroglio

By Swordtail

Started January 3rd, 2006

Finished January 21st, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is on a shuttlecraft as it sits next to a big, glowing fountain like thing.

Baque - Personal log, stardate 435507.3. Apparently Starfleet Command believes that there's no better way to ring in the new year than with a good old shuttle mission to the middle of nowhere to study absolutely nothing of interest. In fact, I'm so bored at the moment, I've decided to start keeping personal log entries, which I have never before done. Got to love those holodeck stand-ins!

Bios - It was not boring! That was a particle fountain we were studying! Not exactly a everyday occurrence.

Tener - Oh it's just the butt end of a black hole or a pulsar on steroids or whatever. Nothing more. Besides, I don't see how risking our lives just to look at a anomaly that spits out subatomic particles is exciting.

Baque - What I'd like to know is why we're here. Why do we need a helmsman and a security officer to study a stupid fountain?

Tener - Well actually, you were sent because particle fountains are dangerous and HQ decided to send one of their best piolets, and I'm here to keep you and Bios away from each other's throats.

Bios - Why? We're on good terms with each other.

Tener - Maybe, but 48 hours alone in a shuttle together is enough to put two Vulcans at each other's throats.

Baque - Has it really been that long?

Bios - No, it's only been 18. We've got another thirty to go.

Baque - Is there anything you might find out about this thing that you already don't know from scanning it with everything we've got for the last 15 hours?

They all look out the front window as the fountain continues to spew out the same things it's been spewing out for the last two million years.

Bios - You're right. Screw it, let's pack up and leave.

Tener - Finally!

Baque - Setting course for the Celestial, warp 5.

Tener - Can't this thing go any faster?

Baque - No, not really. We're in a stupid type nine shuttle for Christ's sake!

Bios - Well I'm getting some sleep then. We wont be at the rendevous point for what? Another three hours?

Baque - Yeah something like that.

So, three hours later, Bios is poked awake by Tener.

Bios - Are we there yet?

Tener - Yep.

They all look toward the screen. On it, the Celestial is slowing rotating in space, no lights on.

Baque - Figures they broke the ship again.

Tener - Try hailing them.

Bios - No response.

Baque - Think they could have abandoned ship?

Bios - Maybe, I'm not detecting any lifesigns, but there's a lot of radiation interfering with the sensors.

Tener - AHHHH! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA!

Bios - It's warp core radiation you imbicle! Besides, Dr. Puker made an antivirus to combat the zombies so there's nothing to worry about anymore.

Tener - No he didn't!

Bios - Well, that bluff sure worked against the zombies...

Baque - I'm taking us into the shuttlebay. The doors are on a separate power system and can be opened remotely.

The shuttle flies toward the shuttlebay, but the doors start to close, resulting in the shuttle getting jammed halfway into the bay.

Baque - Well, who didn't see something like that coming a lightyear away?

Opening credits, and stuff.

Scene 2 - The three Lieutenants walk down a corridor, lit only by the pulsing red alert lights. Each are holding a phaser and a tricorder.

Baque - By the looks of it, they lost all power.

Bios - Meh, not the first time.

They enter lower engineering. Everything is dark, but there are flashes coming from severed conduits and several clouds of steam are spurting out of the base of the warp core.

Tener - That had better not be coolant.

Bios - Even if it was it wouldn't matter. The warp core is cold. It looks like it went offline over 14 hours ago.

Baque - Is there anyway to restart it.

Bios - I'm a blue shirt, not an engineer. I suggest we get to the bridge and try to get communications back online. We'll probably need to call for help anyway, so it seems like a more efficient use of time rather than attempting to blow ourselves up while restarting a cold warp core.

The walk to the other end of the room and exit into another dark corridor. Bios's tricorder starts beeping.

Bios - Over here!

She runs over to a corpse. The other officers come over and shine their flashlights on the one-legged Breen soldier with a phaser rifle sticking through it's chest.

Tener - Bet that hurt a little.

Baque - Did you scan for weapons signatures using the shuttle's sensors.

Bios - I–uh–Shut up!

Baque - To the bridge.

Tener - I thought the turbolift's were offline.

Bios - They are. We'll have to use the jefferies tubes.

Baque - Aren't there almost a kilometre and half of them to climb through?

Bios - Hey, I didn't design the ship this way, but we've got to suck it up and deal with it.

Tener - Why don't we just use the shuttle's transporters?

Bios - No one ever thought of that before and I'll be damned if we're going to break that massive plot hole now. Open that access hatch over there and start crawling.

Scene 3 - The three lieutenants pop out of a hatch and enter the bridge. Lead pipes and tritanium beams litter the carpet, and consoles are darkened with soot.

Tener - I wonder what happened here?

Baque - Don't say it! You'll trigger a flashback!

Beep! The viewscreen activates with the classic movie "5...4...3...2...1...Beep!" effect.

Over 14 hours ago, Genocide and Center are in a shuttle. Currently, they are arguing about something. Genocide is in the piolet's seat and Center is standing behind him leaning against the side wall.

Genocide - I don't care, _ENSIGN_! You can't tell me where to take this shuttle because you're not in charge of this mission.

Center - Sir, we were told to stay here and keep track of that soliton wave that the Federation council lost control of a while ago after it barrelled through the dispersing station it was supposed to be stopped by.

Genocide - It's heading off into intergalactic space, who's it going to hurt? There's a trading outpost only a lightyear from here. We're going to take a quick run there and see if they have that new type 19 phaser strip I've been hearing so much about.

Center - I want to stay here.

Genocide - Fine.

He stops the shuttle and points toward the hatch.

Genocide - Get out.

Center - You can't be serious. You'd decompress the entire shuttle!

Genocide hits some buttons and a forcefield engages separating the cockpit from the rest of the cabin. He points again at the hatch.

Genocide - Get out!

Center mutters to himself about not being able to wait until he get's promoted as he puts on his spacesuit. As he is pulling on his boots, Genocide yells:

Genocide - I'm picking up the Celestial coming in at warp 9.9992.

Center - Looks like they're in a hurry.

Genocide - Ya think? The massive warping of space around them is interfering with the sensors, but they'll be here in seconds.

Sure enough, just as he finishes the sentence, the Federation starship drops out of warp right in front of the shuttle and immediately fires a photon torpedo out of its rear launcher. The torpedo hits a Breen ship which drops out of warp a second later, followed by another, and another.

Genocide - They're under attack from three Breen warships.

Center - Hail them!

Beep! A side monitor displays Commander Senseless's face.

Senseless - Commander, Ensign, get back here on the double. Use the cargo bays so we don't have to go back and rewrite the second scene in the story because chances are you'll crash the shuttle and make a big mess.

Genocide - Way ahead of you sir!

Camera goes and watches as the shuttle dodges phaser blasts and flies toward one of the cargo bay hatches, just barely fitting inside. The shuttle does a 180, a full barrel roll, and lands on top of a pile of containers. The hatch falls off.

Center - Better landing than most, sir.

He runs out of the shuttle. Genocide gets up and runs headfirst into the forcefield.

Genocide - God damn it!

Scene 4 - Bridge, present.

Bios - So what happened next?

Tener - You know, we're not even supposed to be knowing what happened.

Baque - Yeah, but we don't know where to look for the crew. All the escape pods are accounted for, and I can't find any thing indicating that they're hiding in a broom closet.

All of a sudden, a closet on the side of the bridge opens and some mops and brooms fall out and make a loud clatter. Tener instinctively fires his phaser and sets one of the brooms on fire. Baque and Tener then look at Bios who quickly pulls her hand away from the Engineering console.

Bios - ...Sorry.

Baque - No problem. Now, I think we've seen enough to come to the conclusion that they've been taken prisoner by the Breen. Our next course of action is to get back to the nearest starbase and inform Starfleet Command of the situation.

Tener - Wait a minute there, buddy. Who was taken prisoner and made you Captain? This is a tactical situation, which means that the Chief of Security would be in charge. That being said, it's our moral duty to go save them before they are taken too far into Breen space. Bios, scan for ion trails.

Bios - You're both being stupid. This ship is in no condition to go after three Breen warships, and we can't even make it all the way to the nearest Starbase without falling apart. Those new tinted hull plates that Starfleet installed because we keep scratching the paint don't bond as well to each other. Without structural integrity, we won't survive the jump to warp speed.

Baque - Ok, we'll fix the ship, then we'll go to the nearest starbase.

Tener - No, we're going to fix the ship, then we're going to save the rest of the crew.

Bios - Gah! This is why there should always be a higher rank on every mission.

Tener - I outrank you two in this situation.

Baque - I have the most important job.

Bios - I was a lieutenant longer than both of you. I declare I'm in charge.

Baque - Screw you!

Thunder and lightning roll as Bios yells:

Bios - I AM IN CHARGE!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque and Tener - Yes ma'am.

Bios - Now that that's settled, Toc, get to Engineering and repair the warp core. James, get weapons and shields back online. I'll handle the nonessentials.

Baque - Good idea on that last one...

Scene 5 - Some Breen prison camp. Camera pans around the dark and stingy mine and settles on Commander Senseless and Lieutenant-Commander Genocide. They are currently digging through some dirt with a small shovel while Genocide is cursing up a blue streak.

Genocide - FK FK FK FK SON OF A BCH!

Senseless - Cursing the day you joined Starfleet won't get us out of here any faster, Commander.

Genocide - The only thing I'm cursing is shoving my only phaser rifle through the chest of some stupid Breen soldier. FK!

Greaser enters the scene, covered in some kind of engine grease.

Greaser - I don't even want to hear it! I've just been working on some old fashioned, obsolete mine transfer cart for the last 6 hours while some annoying guard stood over me with a weapon pointed at my head the whole time. And just to get the point across, he kept shooting me with the weapon set to it's lowest power. My arm is going to be numb for a week!

Genocide - FK!

Senseless - Both of you! Get a grip! Sheesh! Has any of you seen the Captain?

The other two officers shrug.

Genocide - Well he can't have gotten far. Best not to think of it.

Scene 6 - Meanwhile, in another part of the complex, Caption Righteous is crawling through some duct-work while humming the theme to Pokémon. His annoying singing has alerted two Breen soldiers and they start blowing holes in the wall Righteous is behind.

Righteous - AHHHHHHHHH!

Breen #1 - Gadslrghaosirhgaildfha;liAHRSAER!

Righteous - WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING!

He rounds a bend and finally the shooting stops. Righteous stops and turns around.

Righteous - That was easy!

Clink, clink, clink!

A small, spherical device bounces in and lands next to him. On it is a flashing light.

Righteous - Nope, this isn't mine, sorry.

Righteous throws the bomb back to the Breen soldier, who catches it.

Breen #1 - UOGOISHGOPISEH!

He tosses it to the other Breen soldier.

Breen #2 - DSIHSLEHT OIHISEAHT!

He tosses it toward the first Breen soldier and it detonates in mid air.

Bomb - BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!

Righteous - IEYAH!

He gets thrown along the duct and slides down a shaft, out into the mine, and lands square on top of Dr. Puker.

Puker - Great, it's raining morons!

Righteous - YOU were the one who said there was radiation entering the ship that was going to kill us all!

Puker - But you were the one who told that stupid NoName tactical stand-in to drop the shields and let the radiation out!

Righteous - Well it seemed like a good idea at the time. Have you seen Blavik or ...wait...I know this...Center?

Puker - Both in section 7-Q or so I was last informed. Shouldn't we be organizing a resistance? There's got to be more prisoners than there are guards.

Righteous - Meh, they're just extras. Only the Prophets can help us now. In fact, I'm counting on a little deus ex machina right about...now!

Nothing happens...Long pause...

Righteous - Um...now!

A freight car full of high tech weapons whizzes by on the maglev track, but neither of them see it go by.

Righteous - Hmm...Ok, this could take a while.

A Breen guard prods him in the back with a weapon and Righteous walks away, now humming the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica.

Scene 7 - USS Celestial, bridge. The lights are back on now and everything looks pretty much as it used to...except that the science console is still in a quadrillion pieces.

Bios - Wow, that didn't take long at all!

Tener - And to think! All we had to do was get the holo-emitters back online!

Baque - I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

As he says it, about ten EMH Mark I's come in and grumble as they put the science console back together.

Baque - Computer, discontinue maintenance program.

EMH's - How flattering.

Bzzzt! The holograms disappear.

Tener - Excellent. Now, Bios, scan for an ion trail, and then follow it.

Bios - Way ahead of you. Set a course bearing 443 mark 654.

Tener - Righto. Engage at maximum warp.

Baque hits some buttons and the viewscreen shows the warp barrier being crossed. Tener glances at the helm console.

Tener - Warp 6? Increase speed to maximum!

Baque - The ship was just hurriedly repaired after a major battle. I don't want to any faster than necessary.

Tener - Look, I'm no engineer, but I think I know when the ship is strong enough to travel at high warp.

Bios - He's right.

Baque - Shut up, I'm trying to drive!

Bios - Structural integrity is at 100. You can go faster.

Baque - I call the shots when it comes to flying the damn ship!

Bios - I'M IN CHARGE HERE! I SAY WE GO FASTER!

Baque - I HAVE THE POWER TO GET US ALL KILLED, OR DIE TRYING!

Bios - And I have the power to kill you right now! Maximum warp, idiot!

Baque - Go f yourself!

Bios hits the throttle control on the helm console herself, but she accidentally throws the ship into full reverse, and every console on the bridge sparks and several actually blow up. The Celestial drops out of warp really quickly and comes to a stop after some sparking of the nacelles.

Baque - Way to go. You just fused 4 warp coils in the port nacelle. Now our maximum speed is warp 2. _That_ sure got us there faster.

Bios - God damn it! Why does everything I touch always break!

Baque - Maybe because you're incompetent?

Tener - Guys! See? This is why I was sent on that shuttle mission. Now, I know for a fact that ships don't fly around without extra warp coils. I'm sure there's a few kicking around here somewhere. We'll just pull out the old ones and replace them with the new. Piece of cake!

Baque and Bios glare at each other and then get up and leave the bridge through different turbolifts. (Side note: Although the bridge design is _very_ similar to Voyager's bridge, there are two turbolifts at the back instead of one.)

Scene 8 - Back at the Breen prison camp, Righteous has escaped yet again and is currently sitting in the cockpit of a Breen ship tapping buttons while humming the theme song to Sesame Street.

Righteous - Hey look at this! This ship has authorization to leave the planet!

As he hits some more buttons, an alarm goes off and three Breen thugs come in and start man handling Righteous around. They drag him back to the mine and dump him in a pile in front of Senseless, Genocide and Greaser.

Breen Thug - Aahisdrtgahoi hasioet asioe !

Generic Prisoner #1 - He says it's your captain so you keep an eye on him.

The Breen soldier leaves and the Generic prisoner goes off to be in some other episode later on.

Senseless - How is it that you're escaping so easily?

Righteous - Well, what do you expect from someone who has the Prophets on their side?

Genocide - I'd expect him to lead us in his footsteps and get us all the hell out of here!

Righteous - No need to fret, Commander. Help from the heavens will arrive shortly.

Greaser - Well it better arrive soon. All this dirty air is ruining my skin. And can you believe they have no sonic showers? How am I supposed to survive in this place?

She spies a Starfleet NoName from the Celestial watching her.

Greaser - DID I SAY YOU COULD STOP WORKING?

The NoName looks away and returns to digging pointless holes in the ground in search of dilithium or something.

Righteous - When's dinner time? I'm hungry.

Genocide - FK! WE DON'T GET A FING DINNER HERE! IT'S A GOD DAMNED PRISON CAMP FOR FK SAKE!

Righteous - Well that's not very nice of them.

Senseless - You didn't live through the occupation of Bajor did you?

Righteous - Nope! The Cardassians kicked me out when I was five!

Scene 9 - Some Breen guard shack. One Breen soldier is talking to another who is sitting behind a desk.

Breen #3 (standing) - (Permission to kill the newest prisoners?)

Breen #4 (sitting) - (Why?)

Breen #3 - (Well, their captain keeps escaping, their weapons officer keeps cursing as loud as he can and keeping us up at night, and the guards are more afraid of their chief engineer than she is of them!)

Breen #4 - (Fine. You can kill them tomorrow at 0700.)

Breen #3 - (Why not kill them right now and be done with it?)

Breen #4 - (You just don't get the whole "Evil" part, do you?)

Scene 10 - Camera is on a comet as it moves through space. The camera pans around and shows the Celestial landed on the far side of the comet. Onboard...

Tener - You know, maybe I should have thought this through more.

Baque - Returning to base sounds good about now doesn't it?

Bios - There isn't enough time to mount a full scale rescue mission.

Baque - Why do we want to save these people again?

Tener - Because if they die, the show will be cancelled.

Baque - And that's bad how?

Bios - The comet is shielding us from their sensors and providing free travel. All we have to do is wait until the comet comes close enough to the prison moon to use the long range transporters and we can beam back everyone.

Tener - How long until we get there?

Bios - Uh...Hold on.

She goes over to the science console, looks at the readout, and sighs.

Bios - 739 years...

Baque - Well screw it then. James, take tactical. Bios, take Ops. We're doing this the hard way.

The Camera goes out into space and watches and the ship takes off, retracts it's frozen landing gear, and flies into the system at warp 1.

Baque - If there's one thing I've learned from having to high tail it back to HQ so many times it's how to drop out of warp with only a metre to spare. The shields are how many metres away from the bottom of the ship again?

Tener - They're hull tight!

Baque - One metre it is!

Scene 11 - Prison camp. The entire crew are sitting around being poked by Breen guards as they are herded into the meal hall.

Greaser - Thank god, I'm starving!

The crew line up and are handed a small bowl of what looks oddly like turbolax surprise.

Greaser - I think I just lost my appetite.

Genocide - Hey, you, with no name! Give us something a little less deadly or I'll be forced to rip off your arm and eat it!

The Breen soldier just looks at him, then back to the other prisoners.

Genocide - Fine, your loss.

He takes hold of the Breen's arm and tears it off. Just as the rest of the crew try to stop him, the dozens of other Breen guards raise their weapons. This starts an all out riot between the guards and the Celestial's no name crew. One Breen climbs on top of a table and fires his weapon into the air.

Breen #4 - aksdfj ajsertakjse rklajse (EVERYONE BE QUIET! FOR THIS, YOU SHALL ALL DIE!)

Puker - What did he say?

Righteous - Prophets, Prophets, Prophets, Prophets, SAVE US!

**_WHAM!_**The USS Celestial drops out of warp a half metre from the complex, and it's shear velocity vaporises the top of the colony. On board...

Tener - Dropping ventral shields.

Bios - Beginning transport.

Baque - I doubt we'll be able to stay here for more than a few seconds before we start getting bombarded from orbit.

Bios - We'll need at least five minutes to beam all of our people back. The dilithium ore makes getting a lock on more than about five or ten at a time impossible. Don't ask me how, it's just a convenient plot device, not a valid scientific fact.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Tener - I think they've found us.

Meanwhile, on the prison moon, the captured senior staff are beating the stuffing out of the Breen guards, all except Righteous who has disappeared again.

Senseless - Where's the captain?

Puker - I don't know! Maybe he got beamed back to the ship already.

However, it turns out Righteous was _not _beamed back to the ship and has instead once again escaped and is currently in the cockpit of that same Breen transport he was caught in earlier. This time he is able to fire it up and lift off.

Righteous - So the first clue on my scavenger hunt given to me by the Prophets is a red giant. So where am I going to find a red giant. What is a red giant anyway?

He turns the ship around and spies the Celestial taking a beating from multiple phaser blasts.

Righteous - I know, I'll ask the computer.

As he piolets the ship toward the Celestial, the three lieutenants think he is a Breen attack ship and open fire on him.

Righteous - NO!

Boom! The ship explodes but somehow Righteous survives and falls, still sitting in his seat with a console in front of him, about twenty metres and lands with a thud in a pile of garbage.

Righteous - Ouch...

Scene 12 - On the prison moon, the senior staff are still corralling NoNames into groups of ten for transport. Finally, they themselves are beamed up. A few moments later, Senseless, Genocide, Center, and Blavik emerge onto the bridge.

Senseless - Report!

Tener - She's all yours, sir.

Baque - And good riddance too.

Bios - I never want to be captain that's for sure.

Genocide - FK!

Senseless - It's ok, Genocide, we're back now. You can calm down.

Genocide - I'll fing calm down when I fing fell like it! We're under attack by Breen ships! IDIOT!

Baque - Speaking of idiots, where's the Captain?

Senseless - I thought he was beamed up already.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Computer, locate Captain Righteous.

Computer - He was in a transport which you idiots shot down, you morons!

Senseless - You shot down an unarmed transport when there were two perfectly good Breen destroyers firing at you?

Tener - Oopsie!

Genocide - GOD DAMN IT! FORGET ABOUT THE CAPTAIN! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!

Senseless - Point taken. Is everyone back?

Bios - Yeah.

Senseless - Then take us up, full impulse. Mr. Genocide, fire at will.

Camera goes out into space as the Celestial takes off and rips off most of the complex from the moon's surface. The ship begins to attack the Breen ships, which total in number of two. Not sure why, just kinda works that way I guess. The Federation ship makes quick work of the two destroyers, making one wonder how the crew got captured in the first place.

Genocide - Enemies are neutralized, sir.

Senseless - Good. Ensign Center, get a lock on the captain's signature.

Baque - Hey don't these ships have energy dampeners or something? Why aren't they using them?

Senseless - I'm sure there's a logical explanation, Lieutenant. Ensign, any luck?

Center - I've found him, but there's too much interference from all the weapons fire to beam him up. Transporters are not an option.

Senseless - Sometimes I ask myself: Why do we use so much energy on such a unreliable system. And then it hits me: I have no clue. Genocide, I know I'll regret this later, but go in and get the captain. Use whatever means are necessary to return him safely.

Genocide's face lights up.

Genocide - Commander, you really know how to brighten up my day.

Tener - Do you need anything out of the armoury?

Genocide - No, I'm good.

Genocide reaches under his console and hits a button labelled "Press this for fun." Holographic gun racks appear in the room and then the whole bridge is lit up by the glow from the transporter as it beams about a hundred different weapons onto the racks. Genocide walks over to one rack as the Matrix gunfight music starts. He picks up a TR-116 and it's headset from the rack, pocket's a phaser, and slings a compression rifle over his back. (The TR-116 is that weird projectile rifle with the micro-transporter that was used by some murderous vulcan in "Field of Fire", a DS9 season 7 episode.)

Genocide - I LIVE FOR THIS! ENERGIZE!

Ensign Center eagerly complies with the armed officer's command and Genocide is beamed away.

Scene 13 - Righteous has been captured again. The Breen soldiers have shot a universal translator into his brain.

Breen #5 - You will contact your ship and tell them to stand down. If they don't comply, we'll kill you. Any funny business, and we'll kill you. Failure to comply with these orders results in DEATH! So, any questions?

Righteous - Actually I have one...

Breen #6 - What.

Righteous - Do you people believe in an afterlift?

Breen #7 - What does that have to do with anything?

Righteous - Because I have a feeling you might need to start believing in one in the next two seconds. Because my Gods can kick your god's ass and take out your race in the process!

Breen #5 - No one refers to our God with a lowercase "G"!

He raises his weapon and puts it up to Righteous's head.

Breen #5 - Die, Starfleet scu–

SPLAT! Breen #5's helmat and head explodes in a mess of watery tissue.

Righteous - Gah!

Breen #6 - DAMN IT!

SPLAT! SPLAT! The other two Breen soldier's heads are blown off their soldiers. As Righteous is looking at the remains of his captors, the door at the end of the room explodes and Genocide, TR-116 in one hand, compression rifle in the other, scanner over his eye, steps through the seared doorframe.

Genocide - You know, it's been proven that demolition is the most rewarding job there is.

Righteous - Good to see you commander.

Genocide spins around and fires the rifle off, most likely killing some Breen soldier somewhere. He unties Righteous and the two officers leave the burning room.

Righteous - And then I said, "My God can kick your god's ass," and BOOM! It happened!

Genocide stops.

Righteous (pointing ahead of them) - Hey, isn't the only beam up spot this way

Genocide - You go ahead, I'll catch up. I'm not done here and I hate leaving unfinished business. It almost always comes back to bite you in the ass. Remember the zombies? Chester? Admiral Nelix?

Righteous - Ok, well have fun!

As he leaves, Genocide whispers to himself:

Genocide - Oh don't worry, I will...

Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Consoles are sparking, NoNames are dying, and Center yells out over the destruction:

Center - Sir! I've picked up the captain! Is this a week where we can beam through shields?

Senseless - No! But seeing as our shields are ka-put anyway, you should have no trouble. Beam him and Genocide back.

Center - I've got the captain in transporter room 1, but I can't find Genocide anywhere.

NoName #1 - Um, sir, our aft weapons array is down.

Senseless - Take us toward the planet.

Baque - Woah! I didn't even notice this moon orbited a planet. Which planet is it?

Bios - Does that really matter right now?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque - I guess not. Changing course.

Righteous walks onto the bridge.

Righteous - Hi guys, did you miss me?

Senseless - Nobody answer that, that's an order!

NoName #1 - Where's Lieutenant-Commander Genocide? I'm tired of being tactical officer.

Righteous - He said he had some unfinished business.

Senseless - And you just LET him go!

Righteous - Well I at least told him to have fun.

Senseless - Oh...my...God...

Scene 15 - Genocide is standing in a corner, a piece of paper in one hand, the TR-116 in the other. With one eye he is looking at the schematics of the facility, and with the other he is scrolling around the place with the headset. He finally comes to a stop while looking at a large cylinder.

Genocide - What happens when a prison moon is shaken by a two hundred gigatonne antimatter blast? That same thing that happens to everything else...

He drops the paper and pulls out a site-so-site transporter. As he clicks the button, he pulls the TR-116's trigger.

Scene 16 - Sickbay. Puker and Blavik are up to their necks in dying crewmen as the ship shakes around them. Puker, who is operating on a NoName with a melted lung, slices his laser scalpel through the NoName's spinal cord due to a particularly violent shake.

Puker - Darn it there goes another perfectly good laser scalpel.

Senseless - Bridge to sickbay, prepare to receive a burn victim.

About a second later, Genocide, burnt to a crisp but somehow still alive, materializes on a biobed. Ensign Blavik goes over and scans him.

Blavik - You've got first degree burns over 99 of your body and your lungs are going to need to be replaced with organically grown ones, a procedure which will cause a great amount of pain. Was it worth it?

Genocide - ...Totally...

Camera goes out into space and zooms away from the moon with the Celestial as the large ball of rock explodes violently, destroying a Breen starbase, about a dozen ships, and a shipyard, as well as bombarding the Breen colony with tonnes of rock and antimatter radiation. Just before the shockwave hits the ship, Baque puts the Celestial into warp and they all zoom away at ludicrous speed.

Scene 17 - Sickbay. Senseless, Baque, Tener, Puker, Blavik, and a patched up Genocide all leave the room.

Senseless - I'm going to ask how you managed to evade thousands of Breen soldiers and get their facility schematics without being killed, even though I probably already know the answer.

Genocide - I've run holodeck simulations of Doom 47, Unreal Tournment 2375, and Wolfenstein 4D, all with the safeties off. What's a little thousand to one after that kind of off duty time?

Puker - As I always say, all's well that ends well. We destroyed a Breen prison moon, _didn't_ get the ship heavily damaged in the process, and Lieutenant's Bios, Baque, and Tener got to find out just why shuttle missions should always have at least three people on them.

The enter the messhall (for those of you paying attention to what deck they were on, they went into a turbolift while talking, OK?) Greaser, Baque, Bios, Center, Tener, and Righteous are already there mingling with some other crewmen.

Greaser - You know, I'm sure I'll be corrected soon enough, but I'm pretty sure that was the worst experience I've ever had while in Starfleet.

NoName #1 - Ma'am, with all due respect, shut the f up! You bozo's didn't do any work at all down there! All you did was make us do twice the amount of work and make the Breen guards think you were doing it! All _you_ did was provide dialogue and run around looking important, so screw off and shut up!

NoName #1 leaves the room with dark cloud of gloom following him.

Greaser - Ok, I didn't see THAT coming.

Genocide - I'm too impressed by his boldness to kill him!

Greaser - Well he's in your department so you deal with him.

Senseless - Did any of you ever find out what happened to that Breen soldier whose leg I blew off in a firefight on deck 16?

Genocide - Oh yeah, that was the same one I shoved my last compression rifle through. Which reminds me, FK!

Senseless leaves the two and walks over to the table Bios, Baque, and Tener are sitting at.

Senseless - So, did you three get along well?

Tener - For the most part.

Bios - A few disagreements, but nothing serious.

Baque - We worked it out.

The give fake smiles to Senseless while at the same time hoping they never have to be alone in a shuttle together ever again.

Senseless - That's good, because we've found a two lightyear long spatial vortex and I'm sending you three all on a shuttle mission to study it.

Tener, Bios, Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	17. Celestial 17

Star Trek: Celestial #17: Weekend of Fun

By Swordtail

Started January 22, 2006

Finished January 29, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is on the bottom of the Celestial as the Captain's Yacht detaches from the ship and takes off.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435522.7. After much soul searching, and a lot of research, I've finally realized that since it's the _Captain's_ Yacht, I should be allowed to use it. That being said, I'm going to a Bajoran colony with Dr. Puker and Nurse Blavik. Apparently, the colony, which for some stupid reason lies within three lightyears of the Cardassian border, has contracted some kind of plaque. Beats me why Starfleet didn't send a medical ship and instead opted to send the Celestial...wait a minute...if they wanted to send the Celestial, why aren't we taking the Celestial? End log.

Scene is now on the bridge of the Yacht.

Puker - Because the ship is needed elsewhere and no one on the Federation council really cares much about Bajorans.

Righteous - But how are we going to save an entire colony with just the three of us? And how are we going to get back in time for work on Monday?

Blavik - The colony on Magellis III only has 47 inhabitants. It's more of an outpost. We should be done before the weekend is over.

Righteous - Ok. Wait..Magellis III...that sounds familiar...have we ever been there before?

Puker - Captain, you lived there for five years, remember?

Righteous - Come to think of it, no. Does this mean we're going to have a contrived character personality building episode.

Puker - Over my dead body. Engaging warp drive.

The Yacht zooms away. Meanwhile, on deck 8, Center, Baque, and Senseless are next to the door to the holodeck.

Baque - It took almost three days to download this program. Rumour has it that it's the largest single holodeck program in existence. It encompasses an entire continent of characters, buildings, and environmental objects.

Senseless - And running this is OK for this ship?

Center - What better way to find out the Celestial's capabilities than to run them to the max.

Senseless - Ok. Is it loaded yet?

Baque - Enough of it is. This thing is incredible! It's so complex we need to use the entire auxiliary computer processor just to run it! I had to retract the wall between holodecks 1 and 2 because it said it couldn't run the program in such a confined space. There, it's done. Let's go.

The three officers enter the holodeck. The emerge from an alleyway and the arch disappears. The look around and find themselves in what appears to be downtown Chicago.

Baque - Welcome to Chicago, early 21st century.

Everywhere, cars are going by, people are walking and talking, and stuff is happening. The sun is low in the sky and most of the buildings have their lights on. Standing out against the skyline is the Sears Tower.

Center - Oooh! Let's go there first!

Senseless - Ok. Um, how? I don't see any site to site transporters anywhere around here.

Baque - You never learned the fine art of hailing a taxi did you?

Senseless - Hailing a taxi? I thought subspace communications hadn't been invented in the early 21st century?

Baque - They hadn't, sir.

He walks over to the curb and raises his arm and gives a whistle.

Baque - Yo, taxi!

A yellow cab parks next to him. Baque gets in the front passenger's seat and Senseless and Center get in the back.

Cab Driver - Where to?

Baque - That big tower over there.

Cab Driver - The Sears tower?

Center - That's the one.

Cab Driver - No problem.

The cab takes off and starts driving along the street. Baque turns around after putting on his seatbelt to talk to the other two senior staff.

Baque - This should be a good test of the program's ability to adjust the perspective.

Scene 2 - Main engineering. Greaser is sitting at a console running some kind of diagnostic when something starts beeping.

Greaser - Woah! Main processor usage is at 89! I'd better reroute functions to the auxiliary processor. Hey, Lieutenant Carlson, divert the diagnostic procedures to the auxiliary processor.

Lieutenant Carlson - Yes ma'am.

Greaser - Did I say you could name yourself.

Lieutenant Carlson - But you were the one who–

Greaser - You're a NoName and don't you ever forget it!

NoName #1 - Yes ma'am...um, ma'am? The auxiliary processor usage is already at 100.

Greaser - What? That's impossible! What's being run on it?

NoName #1 - Holodeck's 1 and 2 are using 50 each. However, there's been some overflow and they've started calling on more processor power.

Greaser - Who's using holodeck 1 and 2?

NoName #1 - There's a single program running in both. They've retracted the wall between them for more space. Commander Senseless, Lieutenant Baque, and Ensign Centre are inside.

Greaser - Well screw them! The Commander told me to get this EPS system diagnostic done by noon and I intend to do so. Shut down the hologrid. I'll deal with them, don't worry.

NoName #1 - Ah oh!

Greaser - What do you mean, "Ah oh?"

NoName #1 - The holodeck won't disengage! I can't shut the program down!

Greaser - ...Well it was bound to happen eventually.

Star Trek! Celestial! Staring! (Whoosh!) Captain Righteous Lee! (Whoosh!) Also Starring! Commander Jack Senseless! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant Commander Genocide! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant Commander Greaser! (Whoosh!) Dr. Puker! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant James Tener! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant Toc Baque! Lieutenant Bios! Ensign Blavik! Ensign Bob Center! (Rumble, rumble, rumble, FOOM! Flash! Boom!) Created by Swordtail!

Scene 3 - The Captain's Yacht drops out of warp and enters a planets atmosphere. The Bajoran inhabitants stop digging in the soil long enough to look up and watch the 33.53 metre long craft land on four stubby legs, then collapse under it's own weight, crushing a couple cow-like creatures. The hatch opens and Righteous, Puker, and Blavik hop out.

Righteous - I was sure I told Lieutenant-Commander Greaser to fix that problem with the landing gear. Hey, did I tell her to fix the one with the ship's landing gear or am I just forgetting things?

Puker - Don't worry about it, sir. Well, these people don't _look_ sick.

Blavik - Appearances can be deceiving. I suggest we run a full biosweep, whatever that is.

Puker - Ok, get on it. We'll go talk with the village leaders.

While the vulcan starts scanning stuff, the other two officers walk up to a bajoran man who has come out to see him.

Guy - Hello. I'm Torrell Aden. Welcome to Magellis III.

Righteous - It's an honour to be here. Hey, I know I should have gone before we left, but is there a bathroom around here anywhere?

Puker - Sir, there's three on the yacht.

Righteous - Oh...now you tell me.

Torrell - I recognize that stupidity anywhere! Lee?

Righteous - Yay! You remember me! I'm touched...funny how I don't remember you though.

Torrell - Well you always were like that. And you are..?

Puker - Doctor Vaughn Puker, Chief Medical Officer, USS Celestial. And the vulcan woman wondering around back there is my assistant, Ensign Blavik.

Torrell - A doctor, good, good.

Puker - You said you had some kind of outbreak?

Torrell - Yes, yes, this way, please.

Puker waves to Blavik indicating where they're going, then follows the other two as they make their way toward a small building.

Torrell - At first we thought the children were only pretending to be sick. It happens a lot, we gave them ice cream while they were sick once and now they're spoiled.

Puker - So what happened?

Torrell - We gave them ice cream, but they didn't get better. If anything, their symptoms got worse.

Righteous - Maybe they didn't like that particular flavour.

Puker - I'll take a look at them. Has anyone else been affected?

Torrell - Well a whole bunch of old farts dropped dead a while ago, but it was bound to happen, eh?

Puker - Perhaps.

The trio enter the building and walk around the rows of beds holding sick kids. Puker starts scanning them with his tricorder.

Puker - Hmm...

Righteous - Well?

Puker - Well what?

Righteous - Did you find anything?

Puker - I just found out my tricorder needs a new battery soon. This one is almost to the point where it can't be charged by the induction fields on the ship.

Torrell - Did you find anything out about the kids.

Puker (waving in the general direction of the kids) - Yes, yes, they're all going to die soon.

Everyone in the room goes silent and stares at them.

Torrell - How can you be sure?

Puker - It's simple really. You said that a whole bunch of old farts died, and my scans of the kids indicate an attack on their immune systems. My guess is that virus attacks people with weak immune systems, namely the young and the old. If the old farts died, the kids don't have long to live either.

Torrell - Is there anything you can do?

Puker - Oh probably not.

Righteous pulls him aside.

Righteous (quietly) - Look, I know they're all unnamed brats, but do you know how low this show's ratings will drop if you let a whole bunch of kids die like this?

Puker (quietly) - Fine, fine. - (To all the others) - I'll do my best.

Righteous - You see? He said he'll do his best! I once had a splinter, and he said he'd do his best to get it out, and viola! No more splinter! Had to get a new finger, but anyway...

Scene 4 - Main engineering. As Greaser works frantically to shut down the holodecks, Bios, Genocide, and Tener run in.

Genocide - What's going on? I just lost weapons control.

Bios - Why is the main computer working so hard?

Greaser - They were running some kind of holodeck simulation on holodecks 1 and 2 and it took up so much computer power I've lost control over it.

Genocide - Shut it down!

Greaser - I can't! It's not responding.

Genocide - Then just pull the plug! It's not like it's a special program or anything. I heard Toc talking about it this morning. It's just something he was able to download off the subnet.

Greaser - Ok, we'll pull the plug.

Bios - I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Greaser - Why not?

Bios - If you "pull the plug," you'll shut down the photonic forcefields, but where do you think all that build up photonic energy is going to go?

Tener - Back into the ship's power grid?

Bios - Yeah, but it's going to get to it by going through our comrades.

Greaser - You're right about that, aren't you?

Bios - We've FINALLY made up a plausible reason for not simply pulling the plug on a holodeck malfunction!

Genocide - So if we can't shut it down, what do we do?

Tener - First thing to do is to alert the Commander. I doubt they even know something is wrong.

Greaser - Already tried. The communicators aren't working inside the program.

Bios - Here, let me at it...

Scene 5 - Within the program, the officer's taxi is on the freeway on it's way to the Sears Tower. Center glances out the window and spies something on a LED billboard that makes him jump.

Center - Commander! What's that?

Senseless and Baque look to where Center's pointing. On the billboard, a picture of the USS Celestial flashes across the screen, followed by the words "Holodeck malfunctioning? Unable to shut it down without killing everyone in it? Well have no fear, because with the new DrainAll 360 you'll be running again in no time..." and other stuff like that.

Baque - Did that thing just say what I think it said?

Senseless taps his combadge.

Senseless - Senseless to Greaser, what's going on?

Nothing.

Senseless - Senseless to Genocide, Senseless to Bios...Senseless to anyone!

Shortly after he says the last one Baque's and Center's combadges repeat it.

Baque - Well your combadge is still working so that means that something must have gone wrong with the program.

Cab Driver - What are you guys talking about?

Senseless - Let us out here, we'll walk the rest of the way.

Cab Driver - Your funeral.

He pulls the taxi over and the three officers get out.

Cab Driver - That'll be $50.

Baque - Computer, delete Cab Driver from the program.

Cab Driver - Yeah, right, if I had a nickel for every time I've gotten that line, let's just say I wouldn't be working as a cab driver.

Baque - Err...

With a quick motion, he grabs the Cab Driver's head in both hands and gives it a quick twist.

Senseless - Was that truly necessary?

Baque - How much do you want to bet the safety protocols are not working? Huh? How much?

Senseless - Point taken.

Center - Where to?

Senseless - First we have to get some more local clothes. The subroutines that keep holodeck characters from picking up things they shouldn't be able to understand must be offline.

Baque - Maybe we should try to find the holodeck control panel. I must be around here somewhere. Perhaps we can get the program working from there.

Senseless - Why don't they just pull the plug?

Center - I'm sure they're thinking hard about it.

Scene 6 - Magellis III. After an exhaustive three hours of scanning everything in sight, Dr. Puker has only come to the conclusion that yes, his tricorder does need a new battery.

Puker - After an exhaustive sweep of the area, the only thing I'm able to discern is yes, I do need a new tricorder battery.

Torrell - What about the children?

Blavik - What about the other patients we need this tricorder to treat?

Righteous - I think I know that's going on here.

Puker - Oh?

Righteous - Mr. Torrell, what year is it here?

Torrell - Well, by your calender, 2382.

Righteous - Ah, I guessed as much. Aden, this may come as something of a surprise, but the year is actually, 238_1_.

Everyone in the room stops coughing, crying, or doing stuff and stares at Righteous. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background.

Puker - Um, sir?

Righteous - Yes Vaughn?

Puker - The year _is_ 2382.

Righteous - Oh. Well there goes my only theory. Sorry guys!

Puker - Ensign, have you found anything?

Blavik - I may have, sir. Tell me, Mr. Torrell, how much do you know about the forest to the north of here?

Torrell - Not much, we generally stay away from it. The trees aren't made of wood and there's a lot of thorny bushes. Why do you ask?

Blavik - The virus particle has a similar RNA sequence to one of the plants I found growing on the outskirts of the forest. I believe the children may have become infected while playing there.

Righteous - Well what about the adults?

Puker - Once infected, the children probably acted as an incubator for the virus, and it mutated into an air-born form.

Torrell - How do you people know so much about medicine?

Puker - Eight years of med school will do that to a person. It also makes you have a strong stomach. Now if you'll please excuse me, I'm going to go get a new battery for my tricorder.

Righteous - No, I think we're going to go check out that forest. I once went there when I was a kid and _I _never got infected.

Blavik - Actually I'm detecting that the virus generally only attacks persons with a certain percentage of active brain tiss–

Puker elbows her in the ribs then mumbles in her ear:

Puker - Ickmae on the insultae our bossae, si vous plait?

Blavik - Understood Doctor.

The three leave the room and head off toward some trees.

Scene 7 - Main engineering. Just like Center predicted, the crew are thinking very hard about pulling the plug.

Greaser - Do we _really_ like them enough to spend all this trouble to save their lives?

Tener - She's got a point.

Genocide - True...but just think what Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix would say.

Greaser - Well Admiral Nelix would probably congratulate us, but it would be a short lived high since Admiral Spot would rip open our jugulars with her claws and urinate in our wounds.

Genocide - Why isn't there some kind of failsafe that prevents the holoprogram from stopping to respond to commands?

Greaser - That's actually a good question. Guess we'll never know.

Scene 8 - Inside the holodeck, Senseless, Center, and Baque are once again in the taxi, but this time Baque is driving with Senseless in the passenger seat and Center sitting in the back holing a revolver in his hand.

Senseless - I can understand needing a car, but was robbing the bank and killing everyone inside truly necessary?

Baque - Yes sir, it was.

Center glances out the back window and spots three black unmarked cars pull up and surround them.

Center - Ah oh!

Senseless - Lieutenant, if you please.

Baque does some quick piloting manoeuvres and tries to evade the black cars. Inside are men dressed in black suits and wearing sunglasses. Oddly, they all look the same.

Center - What is this, the Attack of the Elrond Fans?

Baque - Actually I think that's supposed to be Agent Smith from the Matrix...and I really don't like where this is going because the program isn't supposed to have anything non-real in it.

One of the agents pulls out a gun and fires point blank and blows a hole in the side of car.

Senseless - JESUS CHRIST! Return fire!

Center takes a shot but the agent dodges the bullet somehow. Another agent jumps on top of the car, shoves his hand through the window, grabs Senseless by the front of his uniform, and pulls him through the window, then drags him back to one of the unmarked cars, which proceeds to back away from the other cars and the taxi.

Baque - Time to try some unsafe velocities.

Baque makes a hard 90 degree turn and smashes into a double-trailer gas truck, which explodes violently, destroying the remaining cars.

Baque - ...Well at least the safety protocols are still working.

Then a brick falls and hits him square in the head.

Baque - OW! DAMN IT! I spoke too soon!

Scene 9 - Righteous, Blavik and Puker are walking through a forest. Everywhere birds are chirping. It's high noon but the canopy is so dense that the trees block the sun and it's quite dark in the woods. Being that as it is, the three are holding wrist-lights.

Puker - You think the battery in this wrist light would work in my tricorder?

Righteous - Where are we going?

Blavik - We're looking for anything that might have transmitted the virus to the children.

Righteous - Why do we need the cure those spoiled brats again?

Puker - Because we ourselves are now infected and we can't risk infecting half the ship so we need to stay here until we find a cure.

Blavik - Why don't we just use the high-tech diagnostic and treatment facility on the yacht?

Puker - Now that wouldn't be very fun would it?

Righteous - Hey what's that thing in the tree over there?

Puker - What thing?

Righteous - This one.

He pushes a glowing symbol on the tree and a big hole opens in the ground right beneath the three officers.

Puker, Blavik, Righteous - AHHHHHHHHH!

THUD!

Scene 10 - On the observation deck of the Sears Tower, Senseless is tied to a chair as three Agent Smith's stand around him.

Smith 1 - Mr. Senseless...surprised to see me?

Senseless - Yes I am.

Smith 1 - Then you–Oh, you are, are you?

Senseless - What are you doing in this program?

Smith - I don't quite understand it myself. Perhaps something got moved or deleted...perhaps the program loaded a foreign subroutine. What matters is that I'm here now and I don't intend to leave.

Senseless - So you're a virus?

Smith 1 - There's the pot calling the kettle black...no, Mr. Senseless, I am not a virus. I am the cure to such a virus.

The other two Smith's activate an LCD projector and a animated picture of the Celestial is projected onto one wall.

Senseless - That's not right...

Smith 1 - Your main computer has been quite forthcoming...so your ship is fully covered with holoprojectors? That's interesting...

Senseless - What do you want?

Smith 1 - What we want we intend to get. Give us the command codes to allow us complete access to the ship's systems, including life support!

Senseless - Over, my, dead, body.

Smith 1 - That can be arranged, Mr. Senseless.

Scene 11 - Main engineering. Bios is sitting in front of a monitor which is displaying a large amount of scrolling alphanumeric code.

Greaser - You can read this?

Bios - Sort of. I pretty much know what's going on if that's what you mean. You don't actually read machine code, but I suppose you say I can.

Genocide - What's going on?

Bios - Something's happened to the program. I'm reading foreign subroutines in the simulation. And I don't like what's happening much at all...

Tener - What's happening?

Bios - Somehow it loaded the Agent Smith program from the Matrix programs. If I'm reading correctly, they're already taking over normal holo-characters and are attempting to gain access to the ship's systems. If they can get the proper access codes they might be able to control the ship.

Genocide - From the holodeck?

Bios - No, they'd have to leave the holodeck and...Shut down all holoemitters on the ship!

Greaser - Gotcha.

Camera goes to sickbay where the EMH is operating on a NoName.

EMH - Don't worry, there is no risk to this at all.

Bzzzzzzt! The EMH deactivates and the scalpel it was holding falls two feet and impales the NoName's forehead. Camera goes back to engineering.

Bios - They've injected the commander with some kind of truth serum. Soon, he'll tell them whatever they want to know.

Tener - Can't you just change the access codes?

Greaser - Not without the Captain's authorization and I doubt he remembers the code anyway.

Bios - Um, there is another option. Senseless is currently in holodeck 2...Baque and Center are in holodeck 1...we could kill the power to holodeck 2...it would kill Senseless but save the ship and the other two...

Grease places her hand over a big red button which is flashing "#2".

Greaser - Jack, you've been like a captain to us and...ah screw it, time to die.

Genocide pulls her hand away from the console.

Genocide - Stop...I'm going in.

Tener - Are you crazy? Wait, dumb question...I'll come too.

Five minutes later, Genocide and Tener are standing outside the door to the holodeck.

Bios (over the comm) - What do you need?

Genocide - Guns...lots of guns...

Scene 12 - On Magellis III (just a random name I pulled out of my ass), Blavik, Puker, and Righteous regain consciousness down in some hole.

Puker - Why the heck would there be a big trap door with a hole in the middle of nowhere?

Righteous - Better question: How many molecules are there in a single piece of burnt toast?

Blavik - Shouldn't you have asked how we intend to get out?

Righteous - Yeah, that too.

Righteous takes out his phaser and levels it and pulls the trigger. As the other two duck, Righteous swings the beam around the room and tears the cylindrical room to pieces. At last, a large door falls open on one side.

Righteous - Yay! It worked!

Puker - Captain you nearly got us killed!

Rightous - Don't worry, the phaser was only on stun.

Blavik - Actually you had it on full power, sir.

Righteous - Really? I always thought the red lights meant it was on stun. Oh well. I suppose I should have followed up on all those miners I stunned, err, vaporised a few years ago.

The trio enter the narrow hallway which the door was blocking.

Righteous - ANYONE HOME?

Blavik - I somehow doubt that. Oxygen decay indicates that this hallway hasn't been used in over five hundred years.

Puker - Judging by the stone walls, I'd say this was build by a prewarp civilization.

Blavik - Perhaps a race native to this world?

Righteous - I hope they're not too mad we used their planet...

Puker - Reports of this planet indicated that aside from the colony, no other intelligent life is present on this planet.

They approach a large spherical room.

Righteous - Have you ever noticed we seem to waste most of our away missions walking through abandoned hallways and vacant rooms that have no purpose to the plot whatsoever?

As they enter the room, a faint crackling can be heard.

Blavik - Fascinating...there seems to be an ambient electromagnetic force present here.

Righteous - My hair is standing on end...

All of a sudden Blavik drops her tricorder. About half a second later, a bolt of lightning jumps from one of the walls and hits the tricorder. The three officers look at it's melted remains.

Puker - What the...

Blavik - Just before it happened, my tricorder picked up a plausibly technobabblish energy field increasing exponentially. Readings indicated that the metal in the tricorder was about to act as a conduit.

Puker - Aren't the combadges made of metal?

Blavik - Yes, but as long as the object's aren't on, they shouldn't attract the energy.

Righteous - I thought the locator beacons were always on...

Blavik - True...

The three quickly grab and throw their combadges into the middle of the room as a bolt of lightning shoots out and vaporises all three at the same time.

Blavik - There's a door on the other side of this room!

Righteous - I don't know, it's kinda cool here...

The other two grab each of his arms and start running to the other side of the room. Once they make it out...

Puker - Oh, great...My tricorder won't turn on now. Battery's dead.

Blavik - And mine has been destroyed...

Righteous - And we can't call the ship...

Puker - Which means that unless one of you thought to lay down a trail of bread crumbs, we're lost in a dark forest on an unfamiliar planet.

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

Scene 13 - A busy city street in downtown Chicago. All is calm...or is it! Ok, it is. Genocide and Tener walk into the bottom floor of the Sears Tower and up to a checkpoint. Genocide steps through and an alarm goes off.

Guard #1 - Sir, do you have any metal objects on you?

Genocide opens his trench coat, revealing a pen knife. Tener smacks himself in the forehead.

Genocide - I KNEW I was forgetting something! Oh well, time to improvise.

He grabs the guard's head in both hands and twists. He then takes the gun from the guard's dead body and shoots another nearby guard. Tener, who remembered to actually bring the guns, pulls out a phaser rifle and starts blasting around. One guard manages to hide behind a pillar and radios out:

Guard #2 - Need backup!

After disposing of him and the other remaining guards, Tener tosses Genocide a phaser and they both move over to the elevator, which is currently on it's way down. Both level their phasers.

Genocide - No matter what comes through that door, stand your ground.

Ding! The door opens, revealing Barney the purple dinosaur.

Barney - I LOVE YOU!

Genocide, Tener - AHHHHHHHH!

While Tener takes off running, Genocide backs away slowly as he resets his phaser to full power. As Barney tries to give him a great big hug, Genocide fires and Barney is vaporised. Unfortunately, the beam also took out part of the holodeck wall, resulting in the program treating it like a structural failure in the building.

Meanwhile, at the top...

Smith 2 - Something's wrong...

Smith 3 - The building is losing integrity. We need to leave.

Senseless - What's the matter? Can't stay in an area without your ugliness destroying it?

Smith 1 - Take him!

However, in another rip-off of the Matrix, a helicopter flies close to the windows. Inside are Baque who is flying it, and Center who has his hands on a Gatling gun.

Baque - Fire!

Center pulls the trigger and blows the window, the three Agents, and most of the back wall to shreds. His aim isn't that good and he accidentally clips the Commander's shoulder.

Baque - Way to go, moron!

Center - Oh yeah? Well if you would kindly pay attention to the fact that the building's about to collapse you might come to the conclusion I don't have time to be careful!

Senseless gets up and runs over to the window, and jumps out...and falls because he misjudged the distance.

Senseless - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Baque - Hang on!

He slams the control stick to the front and the chopper drops like a rock, now being propelled downward by the blades. Center manages to grab a hold of Senseless, but a large piece of debris hits the tail of the helicopter and it begins to spin out of control. Meanwhile, on the ground floor, Genocide and Tener are running for their lives.

Tener - I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T A GOOD IDEA TO BRING PHASERS INTO THE HOLODECK!

Genocide - JUST SHUT UP AND RUN!

Camera watches as the building begins to collapse. Camera then goes to the copter, which is now spiralling out of control. Camera goes to main engineering where Bios's face goes white as she sees what's about to be simulated on the holodeck.

Bios - Oh...sht!

Greaser - Huh?

Bios - All hands, brace for impact! Lieutenant-Commander, grab hold of something.

In a massive process, all the holodeck's built up energy is used to simulate the collapse of the Sears Tower. Just as the helicopter is about to hit the ground at 200km/h, and just as a cloud of shuttle-sized debris is about to hit Genocide and Tener, the hologrid blows out (along with a whole bunch of EPS conduits, I might add) and the five officers find themselves dropping about two metres to the hard and burnt holodeck floor.

Tener - We're alive? We're alive!

Senseless - What just happened?

As Genocide starts to explain, holodeck 1, just twenty metres from where they're sitting, pretty much explodes.

Scene 14 - Puker, Righteous, and Blavik are walking through the pitch black forest.

Puker - Sir, we've passed that tree twice before.

Righteous - How would you know, all the trees in this forest look the same anyway.

Puker - Because of that.

He points to the three which has been engraved with "Lee was here 2382."

Righteous - Oh. So...now what?

Blavik - I suggest we attempt to use the phaser as a beacon. The others are most likely looking for us.

Puker - Good idea.

He sets his phaser on it's lowest setting and fires straight up. The beam bursts through the canopy and up into the night sky.

Righteous - Yay, it's working!

A loud growling sound comes from behind them.

Puker - Ah oh...

A large bear like creature jumps out at them and knocks Puker to the ground, throwing the phaser out of his hand. He gets up and the three officers take off running as fast as they can.

Blavik - That appeared to be a large carnivorous animal of some sort.

Righteous - AHHH!

Puker - Sir it's probably not as fast as us but every other member of it's species can probably hear your yelling .

Righteous - AHHHHHHH!

They run headlong into a bunch of thorny bushes with the animal hot on their trail.

OW! OUCH! DRAT! OW! OOH!

They emerge on the other side in a big field and run straight for the Captain's Yacht, which is parked only a few hundred metres away. As they step through the airlock, they turn around and see three of the animals bounding along towards them.

Puker - CLOSE THE DOOR!

Righteous hits a button and the airlock closes. The three of them make their way to the control centre.

Righteous - Ok, Genocide explained this once...now where are the weapons...?

Blavik - Doctor, I've managed to feed your tricorder data into the ship's medical database and I've discovered that he viral particle is almost exactly like the ancient SARS virus. Providing a cure should be no problem.

Puker - You mean we ran through kilometres of forest, let my tricorder's battery go dead, almost got electrocuted, and very nearly got eaten all to look for the source of a virus that's been curable for centuries!

Blavik - It appears so, Doctor.

Camera goes out into space and watches as the planet shakes:

Puker - **DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!**

The End...NOT!

Scene 15 - Main engineering. Consoles are sparking, fires are smouldering, and tempers are flaring as the senior staff try to piece together what happened just a few minutes ago.

Bios - Yep, there's a hole three decks deep under holodeck 1. I hope your happy.

Baque - Well I am!

Senseless - Did you even read the fine print on this thing? It says "Do not use onboard a starship!" LEARN TO READ!

Baque - LEARN TO_ JUMP!_

Senseless (turning to Center) - LEARN TO SHOOT!

Genocide - Exactly what I've been trying to teach him for three years.

Greaser - Was it really three years?

Tener - Probably more like ten seconds.

Senseless - So how long until the holodeck's are back online?

Greaser - 4 weeks at the earliest!

Senseless (sighs) - I'm getting a headache. I'll be in sickbay.

Bios - Doctor isn't here, remember?

Senseless - I'll use the EMH. He gets restless when he's not used anyway.

Bios - The entire hologrid all over the ship is offline.

Greaser - 4...weeks...at...the...least...

Senseless - God...damn...it!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	18. Celestial 18

Star Trek: Celestial #18: Incompetent Regress

By Swordtail

Started February 2, 2006

Finished February 27, 2006

Scene 1 - Captain Righteous Lee is strolling down a corridor one fine afternoon. His boots shined, his uniform ironed, and a big smile on his face. He can't quite remember why he's smiling but that's not important right now, because he just realized that the deck he's on has a corridor that goes around the entire deck in a big circle. OK, so no, he hasn't figured it out yet and is actually thinking that this is one long corridor.

Righteous - Boy is this a long corridor. I've been walking for three hours already and still haven't gotten anywhere!

He passes a couple of yellow shirts.

Righteous - Hello, my loyal crew-peoples. How are you today?

NoName #1 - Um, feeling sick, actually, sir. We were on our way to sickbay.

Righteous - Well you're in for a walk then. The last turbolift I saw was three hours ago.

The noname's just look away and keep walking. Meanwhile, in another part of that deck (deck 6 actually), Baque and Blavik are chatting about something...

Baque - ...So I figured that if you snuck into his quarters and mind-melded with him while he was asleep, you could figure out the battle plan he's going to use and my team could win the game. How does ten percent of the winnings sound to you?

Blavik - Aside from the fact the Federation doesn't use currency so your winnings are useless to me, and even though I have no objection to breaking into Lieutenant-Commander Genocide's private quarters and trying not to get killed, my mind-meld license has been revoked because I refused to pay my union dues.

Baque - Ah come on, how are they going to find out? There's only 17 Vulcans on the ship other than you and I somehow doubt they'd tell anyone.

Blavik - Believe me, Lieutenant, they have ways of finding out...

Meanwhile, on Vulcan, a vulcan guy sitting in an armchair suddenly stands up.

Vulcan Guy #1 - Someone just farted in the general direction of Romulas without a "Farting in General Directions" license! Quick! To the Logic-mobile!

The IDIC symbol zooms in and out as funky colours twirl on the background

Opening credits. Not to be confused with the similar closing credits, which just show a bunch of stars and some words that no one pays any attention to.

Scene 2 - Briefing room. Senseless, Puker, Blavik, Center, Baque, Genocide, Tener, Bios, and Greaser are present. They're all looking rather bored and keep shooting glances at the empty chair at the head of the table.

Baque - Late again...

Senseless - Well let's start this without him then. Lieutenant Commander Greaser may have spilled the beans on this already, but I'll tell you all anyway. We've been chosen to be the first starship that will use the new tritium injector assembly with the new quantum flux warp core.

Genocide - In English please?

Bio - We're going to test out a new warp core that can use tritium as well as deuterium.

Tener - Doesn't sound too safe.

Greaser - Well, I always figure that when Starfleet Command gives us things like this they're either really happy with us and want to reward us, or they're really pissed and hope we destroy ourselves. Usually turns out to be the latter.

Baque - So that means we won't be doing anything while you're installing the new warp core?

Greaser - Yeah, I guess not.

Genocide - SCORE! Blue team, you're going DOWN!

Greaser - Was that some racist remark?

Tener - No, he's talking about the Elite Force holomatch we've got scheduled for tomorrow morning. Guess you won't be attending?

Greaser - Tomorrow morning? Let me think...yep, should have the main core installed by then. We'll probably be running long and boring systems diagnostics at that time. I'll join the Blue team.

Puker - No surprise there.

Senseless - Who's on what team?

Genocide - Myself, Ensign Centre, Dr. Puker, and Lieutenant Tener are on the red team, Lieutenant Baque, Ensign Blavik, Lieutenant Bios, and Lieutenant-Commander Greaser are on the blue team.

Senseless - Well, I'll join the blue team too then.

Tener - Ah crap that means we get the captain. Thanks a lot, Commander.

Baque - Hey, we might just win this now!

Center - I'll tell the captain. Center to Captain Righteous...

No response...

Center - Righteous, please come in...

Still no response. The crew all get puzzled looks on their faces.

Senseless - Computer, locate Captain Righteous.

Computer - Captain Righteous is wandering around on deck 6.

Senseless - Open the intership comm system in that area.

Computer - Beoop de doop!

Senseless - Captain, why aren't you responding?

Righteous - Apples! Apples! I like apples!

Bios - He sounds even dumber than usual.

Puker - Grr...I'd better go check on him.

Puker gets up and leaves the room.

Senseless - Well, if that's everything, dismissed. Oh and one more thing. _Red sucks_!

With that he, Greaser, Bios, Baque, and Blavik run out of the room.

Scene 3 - Dr. Puker catches up to Righteous, who is now looking at a stained spot on the carpet.

Righteous - Hello, Doctor. Did you know these carpets stain? We'll have to clean it now! Just imagine the implications!

Puker - Are you feeling alright, Captain?

Righteous - Never better! I just realized this is a REALLY long corridor! Why, we could run marathon's in here.

Puker - Captain, this is a looping corridor. You've been going around in circles for the last three and a half hours.

The smile on Righteous's face disappears.

Righteous - Oh...Right...Maybe I should go to sickbay.

They both walk to the nearest turbolift. As the lift goes down one deck and over five sections, Righteous begins to hum the Johnny Appleseed song. They enter sickbay, where Ensign Blavik is already there treating a vulcan No-Name with a paper cut.

Blavik - I still don't see the logic in using paper when we have to many more advanced recording devices in stock.

Puker - Here sir, on the biobed.

Righteous lays on the biobed and starts pushing the button that makes the full body scanner go up and down.

Righteous - Scanner goes up, scanner goes down, scanner goes up, scanner goes down.

NoName #2 - I'd better get back to my shift. Thank you for the dermal regenerator.

The vulcan goes to the door as Righteous keeps playing with the surgical equipment. All of a sudden, an annoying theme song to an ancient television show can be heard playing.

Voice - Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na–

The sickbay doors open, revealing Vulcan Guy.

Vulcan Guy - LOGIC MAN!

Righteous - Yay! Super heroes!

Logic Man walks over to NoName #2 and starts writing him a ticket.

Logic Man - NoName #2, you have been charged with farting in the general direction of Romulas without a "Farting in General Directions" license. I hear by revoke your "License for Logic."

NoName #2 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

As NoName #2 takes off down the cooridor, being chased by the Vulcan Guy who is dressed all in white robes with a white mask over his eyes, Puker starts taking scans of Righteous.

Puker - Oh no!

Blavik - What is it, Doctor?

Puker - His synaptic pathways are degrading! Puker to Senseless, you'd better get down here right away.

Senseless - Acknowledged, Senseless out.

About an hour later...Senseless finally walks into sickbay, followed by Greaser, Genocide, and Center

Puker - What took you so long?

Senseless - You neglected to tell me where "Down here" was. I couldn't ask the computer because Greaser took it offline.

Greaser - I did not! It was Bios!

Genocide - So what's going on?

Puker - For some reason, his synaptic pathways are degrading. I can't figure out why. There's no evidence of viral or bacterial infection, no foreign chemicals, no nerve damage, nothing! If I can't stop it, he'll be brain-dead in less than 48 hours.

Genocide - And that a problem why?

Blavik - Starfleet just recently passed a directive that instructs all starships to forgo all activities while the captain is dying of immense stupidity. You can't have your holomatch until he's better.

Genocide - DAMN IT! I HATE Starfleet!

Senseless - Is there any way to stop the degradation?

Puker - Not medically. However, I'm willing to try other methods to treat him.

Senseless - Such as?

Puker - Vulcan mind meld.

Blavik - I believe I already told you I'm not allowed to preform mind melds without a "Preform Mind Melds On Idiots" license.

Puker - Nonsense. Who's going to know?

Blavik - Logic Man will know.

Genocide - Oh don't worry about Logic Man...

Blavik - Very well, since it's for a good cause, the holomatch, I'll preform the meld. I'll need an hour to prepare.

Puker - Ok we'll be ready then.

Righteous - Apples!

Senseless - You know, that's not the first time I've heard him exclaim "apples" for no reason. I'm just trying to think back to where it was...Oh wait...I wasn't there, was I? Never mind then.

Scene 4 - Logic Man is using his high-tech logic glasses to find NoName #2 so he can arrest him for evading the Vulcan High Command's top agent. Then, out of nowhere, Binky the Mistreated Targ pops out of a temporal portal wearing a white cape with the same IDIC symbol as on Logic Man's cape on it and also wearing a white eye mask.

Logic Man - Ah, my trusty sidekick Binky the Mistreated Targ. How kind of you to join me.

They end up outside the entrance to holodeck 3.

Logic Man - Our adversary is inside! Computer! Open this door in the name of logic!

The door opens and Binky and the vulcan step inside. However, due to some weird coincidence, they're in the same holodeck that Baque, Bios, and Greaser are practising for tomorrow's match. Baque spies Logic Man, but mistakes him for a holodeck character.

Baque - NNNNNNPPPPPPPPPPCCCCCCCCC! YEAH!

All three officers get up and start blasting at Binky and Logic Man, who recoil at being ambushed.

Logic Man - Logic Man to Logicmobile, two to beam aboard!

Both are beamed aboard a nearby Vulcan shuttlecraft.

Baque - Hey I wonder whatever happened to that NoName that came in here a minute ago.

Little do they know, the NoName got jammed in the doors and is now nothing more than a pool of green goo.

Bios - Frag! I win!

Baque - Huh?

As he and Greaser turn around, Bios hits them with the Arc Welder weapon.

Scene 5 - Sickbay. A whole bunch of candles are sitting all over the place and vulcan crap adorns the walls. Blavik stops meditating and goes over to the main biobed which has Righteous on it. Puker walks over and places a cortical monitor on both of them.

Puker - What's the candles for?

Blavik - ...I don't know...

Righteous - Apples! Muffins! Kitties! Two-for-one deals!

Blavik - Time to begin.

She places her hands on Righteous's face like every other vulcan always does.

Blavik - My mind to your mind...my thoughts to your thoughts...my intelligence to your intelligence--

BOOM! A bolt of blue energy sparks off of Righteous's forehead and throws Blavik across the room. Puker and some blue shirts run over and check to see if she's OK.

Puker - What the hell just happened?

Blavik - It would appear that our minds are incompatible. While I'm using an IQ of about 124, he's using one of about 15, and the incompatibility caused a telepathic energy spike along his neo-cortex which resulted in a feedback loop with destroyed the connection and very nearly liquified both of our prefrontal lobes.

Puker - I have no idea what you just said but I'll buy it. But if you can't mind-meld with him, how are you going to figure out what's wrong with him?

Blavik - I will go research such problems like the one I just experienced. I know they've been solved before, or how else could Spock meld with Kirk?

Puker - Did Spock ever meld with Kirk anyway?

Blavik - Well they were on that ship for five years and bored 80 of the time, so I'm guessing it happened once or twice.

Puker - Ok, in the meantime I'll check the captain's medical records and cross reference them with the Bajoran central medicinal archives. Maybe they mention a hereditary disease that could account for this.

Blavik - I have no idea what you just said but I'll buy it.

Puker - Well, aren't we a pair.

Scene 6 - Camera zooms in on a Romulan warbird as it cloaks. On the bridge, we once again see Commander Spliff, who should be dead but isn't.

Spliff - Why did we JUST cloak?

NoName Romulan #1 - Because we can.

Beep, beep, beep!

Romulan #2 - According to this indicator, which means nothing, we should go investigate a certain nothing and destroy it. Your orders, Commander?

Spliff - Well I've never been one to go against protocol. Set a course for that certain "nothing" or whatever it is. And activate the "thing" that gets done by the thing.

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial. Baque is sitting in his chair with his feet up on the console, looking around and busy being bored.

Baque - (sigh).

Looks around.

Baque - Man do I wish something exciting would happen right about now...

NoName #3 - Sir! There's some kind of tacheyon signature approaching at warp 8. I think it's a cloaked ship!

Baque - Son of a bch!

NoName #3 - Your orders, sir?

Baque - Not in the mood for this. I'm setting a course deeper into Federation space, warp 8.2. No cloaked ships are going to bother me when I'm trying to mentally prepare for the holomatch!

He hits some buttons and the Celestial goes to warp. Meanwhile, in sickbay, Puker and Blavik are dragging Tener by the arm toward Righteous's biobed.

Tener - Why does it have to be me again?

Blavik - Simply because you're the dumbest person we could find in a hurry. You'll just need to act as an adaptor.

Puker - We know for a fact you can be both smart and stupid at the same time, so that's why we choose you.

Blavik places one hand on Tener's forehead and the other on Righteous's.

Blavik - My mind through your mind to that other guy's mind...my thoughts through your thoughts to that other guy's thoughts. Our minds are merging...

Righteous, Blavik - Our minds are one...apples!

After watching for a few seconds, Puker gets bored and leaves the room, hopefully remembering to tell the computer to monitor their vital signs. Inside Righteous's head...

Blavik finds herself standing in the middle of a very large room. Before her is Righteous who is looking around.

Righteous - Cool. A lot of empty space in here.. Funny how this looks a lot like the gutted inside of the USS Celestial.

Blavik - Yeah...so...are you back to normal here?

Righteous - Huh? And why are you here? And why am I seeing Romulan warbirds circling around my head?

Blavik - I believe I may be becoming aware of your condition. What is the last thing you remember?

Righteous - Stepping off the turbolift onto deck 6. Why? Did the Prophets call and not get to talk with me because I've been in this room all day?

Blavik - Actually captain you ended up wandering around deck 6 for about 4 hours, then you kept talking about apples for the next three hours, and we've been unable to get a coherent word out of you since then. By the way, you're on the red team.

Righteous - Yay! I like apples! Hey do you remember when I got an apple to appear on that weird head zappy thingy the Romulan's had on their ship?

Blavik - No captain, I wasn't there.

Righteous - Oh. Well, one of the doctors said something about long term exposure and chips and how it didn't matter because they were going to kill me anyway. Funny! Want an apple?

Somehow he musters up enough will power to make an apple pie appear in the middle of nowhere. A no-name appears as well.

NoName #4 (reaching for the pie) - I like pie.

Poof! The no-name and Blavik both disappear. Back in sickbay, Blavik wakes up to find a dead no-name lying next to here and a sign that says "no loitering" where Tener used to be. Puker walks over and takes the cortical monitor off of her.

Puker - Well?

Blavik - Why is there a dead crewman lying next to my feet?

Puker - Oh, that. Well, Tener backed out as soon as he saw you got melded fine. I couldn't break the meld so I sent this guy in to bring you out. Unfortunately he suffered massive brain damage and died shortly after. Don't worry though, no-names are easy to replace.

Blavik - Ok. I believe the captain is suffering from a side-effect of prolonged exposure to the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device.

Puker - The what?

Blavik - The Romulan–the thing.

Puker - You mean the thing, that does the thing.

Blavik - Yeah, from those people.

Puker - The people with the stuff?

Blavik - The thing that does the thing from those people with the stuff.

Puker - So his stupidity is being caused by the thing that does the thing from the people with the stuff that does more things and relates to the thing that does things from the people with the stuff. OK, I think I understand now.

Blavik - Good.

Puker - Well I'm bored. Why don't you go to the bridge and find out if anyone needs something medicinal done around here?

Puker goes into his office and Blavik leaves the room. Righteous opens his eyes, jumps off the bed and follows her.

Scene 8 - The corridor that leads into main engineering. Greaser begins yelling orders at her subordinates even before they're within view.

Greaser - Alright everyone, get ready to eject the old warp–

She stops when she sees the core, whose's pointless indicator lights are moving ten times as fast as they should be moving.

Greaser - Are we at warp?

NoName #5 - Yes ma'am, warp 8.2 to be exact.

Greaser - Why? Who ordered it?

NoName #5 - Lieutenant Baque.

Greaser - Well we need to drop out of warp now don't we?

Suddenly, Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ jump into the scene.

Logic Man - Never fear, Logic Man is here!

Binky - Wheeeee!

Corney Backup Singers - Logic Man, Logic Man, does whatever a vulcan can! Wears a corny logical disguise, destroys illogic, before your eyes! Look out, here come the Logic Man!

Binky - WHEEEE!

Camera is on a confused Greaser and NoName #5 as Logic Man and Binky dance out of the room.

Greaser - I KNEW we should have killed that targ when we had the chance. And letting Vulcan just be destroyed isn't sounding too much like a bad idea anymore either.

She presses some buttons and deactivates the warp core. As she and NoName #5 and the other engineering crew disconnect it from the ship, the red alert klaxons go off.

Greaser - NOW WHAT!

Baque - All hands to battle stations!

Greaser - Must life always be this hard on me?

Scene 9 - Bridge. Baque, Senseless, Genocide, Blavik, Righteous, and Bios enter and start making a ruckus.

Senseless - What's going on?

Righteous - Apples!

Genocide - Ensign, take him back to sickbay.

Blavik - Yes sir.

Blavik grabs Righteous's arm and drags him off in the direction of the turbolift. As they reach the turbolift, Righteous suddenly stops, grabs a phaser from a nearby ledge, and shoots Blavik point blank in the stomach.

Senseless - What the–

Pzzzt! Senseless is knocked out by a phaser blast.

Genocide - Gah!

He lunges at Righteous and the two starts wrestling around on the floor for the phaser, which is now going off and blasting around the room.

Pzzzt! Baque is stunned. Pzzzt! Bios is stunned. Beep! Phaser gets set on kill. Pzzzt! A NoName gets killed.

Genocide - Ga! Give me! Damn you captain!

Righteous - Federation scum!

NoName #6 - Sir! Here!

NoName #6 tosses Genocide a four centimetre diameter one centimetre thick metre long lead composite pipe which Genocide uses to beat the captain to a bloody pulp.

Genocide - Bridge to sickbay, medical emergency. Beam Captain Righteous and Ensign Blavik directly to biobeds.

Puker - Now what happened? So much for my tea break.

Genocide (as the other two dematerialize) - Now, about that proximity alert...

He goes to his station, locks a quantum torpedo on the nearby tachyeon signature, and fires. Camera goes to the bridge of the Romulan ship. Commander Spliff is watching as the blue torpedo zooms toward his cloaked and vulnerable ship.

Spliff - To eat pie with whipped cream, or not to eat pie with whipped cream...

Romulan #1 - Damn. Starfleet actually got smart for once.

BOOM! Camera goes out into space as the torpedo slams into an invisible wall, which decloaks, revealing a crippled Romulan D'deridex-class warbird. Camera goes to a very happy Lieutenant-Commander Genocide as he leaves the bridge.

Scene 10 - Sickbay. A recently revived Lieutenant Bios, Lieutenant Baque, Commander Senseless, a very content looking Lieutenant Commander Genocide, a confused looking Ensign Center and Lieutenant Commander Greaser, and a calm looking Dr. Puker are standing around the two biobeds with Blavik and Righteous on them.

Senseless - Will she be OK?

Puker - Yes. Luckily the shot missed her heart, but not by much. The captain certainly knew where he was shooting she he shot her. Thankfully, due to the area of the blast, and the low setting the phaser was on, the damage was only minor.

Senseless - What about the captain?

Puker - He's another story. First, Genocide, did you HAVE to beat the stuffing out of him? He probably was rendered unconscious after the first blow! Do you know how much paperwork this is going to be?

Genocide - I was given a lead pipe. What would _you_ do?

Puker - Noted. Now, as to why he acted the way he did, I may have an explanation.

He taps some buttons on the monitor over Righteous's bed and a picture of some kind of microscopic device appears.

Puker - More advanced scans have detected a foreign device implanted in his skull. It's causing low level subspace fluctuations. Also, it's directly connected with the behaviour and personality centres of his brain.

Baque - Is this why he's acting so stupid lately?

Bios - It's more than that. I've seen this before. I believe it's used as a interface for the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device. Remember back in mid November of last year? When he got captured by the Romulans? It probably never got taken out and has been dormant ever since.

Center - So the Romulans are controlling him through this?

Bios - More than that. They probably have a complete interface with his brain. They see what he sees, and hear what he hears.

Genocide - Well that explains why they didn't decloak: They just wanted to sit back and let Righteous kill us all.

Bios - Precisely.

Genocide - Hmm...You don't suppose we could get this thing to work and use it to help us win the holomatch tomorrow, do you?

Puker - No.

Senseless - Can you remove the device?

Puker - Not without causing massive brain damage to his already tortured cerebellum.

Baque - But you can remove it, right?

Puker - I think Ensign Blavik had the right idea: With enough mind-meld lessons, Lee could be taught to overcome the device. However, she's out of it for a while so we'll have to make due.

Center - Why don't we just beam the device out of him?

Baque - Why don't you just go to hell?

Center - Been there, done that.

Senseless - Good work doctor. Keep him sedated for the time being and let me know of any change in his condition.

The rest of the officers head for the door.

Tener - Lieutenant Tener to Commander Senseless.

Senseless - Senseless here.

Tener - You wanted to be notified when the Romulan ship's communications system was back online...

Senseless - Yes, is it?

Tener - Not exactly...

Camera goes to the bridge where three Romulan thugs are holding their phasers to Tener's head.

Thug #1 - If you want to see your comrade alive, you'll give us your captain and leave this sector! You have one hour to think of a plan to screw us over!

He hits a button on the Ops console and the intraship communication is cut.

Tener - You do realize I'm a main character and therefore can't be killed.

Thug #2 - Two of your officers are in sickbay with severe injuries. You want to risk it?

Tener - (gulp).

Scene 11 - Battle bridge. Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center, and Bios are standing around the room.

Senseless - OK, we've only got 20 minutes until they kill Tener and probably most of the bridge controls along with him. I'd like to thank those who managed to get lost on the way here for wasting 40 minutes.

Camera goes to Genocide, who just shrugs.

Senseless - Alright, we need ways to screw them over without killing ourselves in the process. First, let's figure out how this all happened.

Bios - A single quantum torpedo to their unshielded power generator should have destroyed their entire power grid. I'm unable to hazard a guess as to how they got their transporters back up and running.

Genocide - I'd like to know how they managed to beam through our shields and not set off any alarms.

Baque - To both questions: This is Star Trek, nothing makes sense and it never will. Just get used to that.

A potted plant in the corner explodes. Then, a console starts beeping. Center presses a button.

Thug #1 - It's 10:00: Do you know where your Captain is?

Senseless - Yes but we're not going to tell you.

Puker - Err...Funny thing happened guys...

Genocide - Now how the HELL did they get into sickbay!

Thug #1 - You think it wasn't just a matter of time until we developed a form of stealth teleportation?

Baque - You'd also think it was just a matter of time until you pulled your heads out of your asses too.

Pzzzzt!

Thug #1 - You now have one less crewman to worry about and one more mess to clean up.

Senseless - What do you want? You have our captain, and you have our ship at your mercy. What more do you need?

Thug #1 - Firstly, we DON'T have your captain! Where is he!

Senseless - What?

Puker - I tried to tell them sir that Righteous and Blavik both sneaked out while my medical staff was playing cards with the Romulan boarding party. They don't believe that I wasn't paying attention.

Senseless - OK, so what happens if we don't give you our Captain?

Thug #1 - We destroy your precious ship.

At the words "precious ship" the entire senior staff listening in break out laughing.

Thug #1 - Stop laughing!

The crew only laugh harder.

Thug #1 - You have ten minutes! Find him!

Beep!

Center - Communications cut sir.

Genocide - I say we destroy their warbird.

Senseless - For once I'm in agreement with you. Get to the main torpedo tube and prep for a manual launch of two tricobalt torpedoes. With engines still offline they won't be able to dodge it.

Genocide - With pleasure sir!

He leaves the battle bridge.

Senseless - Bios, find the captain. Use the internal sensors and make it obvious you're looking for him, but get specific locks on those Romulans too.

Bios - Yes sir.

She goes to a nearby station and starts tapping on the control panels.

Senseless - Ensign, Lieutenant, round up as many security officers and get ready to take the bridge. I frankly don't trust Bios's ability to get a transporter lock on intruders.

Bios - I heard that!

Senseless (back at her) - Just some constructive criticism.

Baque - Assuming we can get the torpedoes to work, and _assuming_ we can get the transporters to work, what's to stop the Romulan's on the bridge to erect a dampening field and then destroy the Celestial from there?

Senseless - Good of you to ask. Here's the plan...

Scene 12 - Battle bridge. Same people present. Center hits some buttons and the face of Commander Spliff appears on the screen.

Senseless - Hello. I'm Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial.

Spliff - And I'm Commander Spliff of Nameless Warbird #1471.

Senseless - Why are you using mind control on our captain and holding half our crew hostage?

Spliff - Shouldn't you be asking why I'm still alive? After all, I _was_ on that ship you watched blow up.

Senseless - Actually I really don't care because you probably have some smart-assed answer anyway. Answer our question.

Spliff - OK I'll be a stereotypical bad guy and reveal my master plan, allowing you to find weaknesses to use against me. Our intelligence has recently discovered that your Captain is quite important to the Bajoran people, especially after winning Prophetic Idol back in 2372, your calender of course. If we capture him, we can hold him ransom in exchange for an Orb of the Prophets. You see, we believe that these orbs may hold the key to producing our own artificially generated wormholes, much like the wormhole aliens the Bajoran's refer to as the "Prophets" did. Our base on Durna, Bajor's forth moon, failed to uncover anything during it's short stay there and we have been forced to find other means to procure our required materials. We tried and failed to decipher your Captain's brain a few months ago and have been tracking him via the implanted chip ever since. Only recently have we been able to get close enough to use it's full potential.

Baque - WOAH!

Spliff - Impressive plan, isn't it?

Baque - No, I just had no idea you people even HAD any intelligence!

Spliff - You will pay for that you insolent fool!

Baque - Insolent fool? What kind of insult is that! My grandmother can pull better burns out of her ass and she's six feet under!

Spliff - Enough! Hand over you captain, _immediately_, or suffer the wrath of my _fully, repaired, warbird!_

Senseless - Very well. Senseless to transporter room 3, energize.

On the viewscreen, Righteous materializes right next to Spliff.

Righteous - Apples!

Spliff - A wise choice. Nameless Warbird #1471 out.

The screen goes blank.

Senseless - Senseless to Genocide and Bios: Begin Operation Holomatch.

Genocide (over comm) - Wait, which one is Operation Holomatch again?

Bios (over comm) - The one you've been working on for the past hour!

Genocide - Oh, right!

Senseless - Battle bridge out.

Scene 13 - Inside a torpedo tube, Genocide works frantically on a torpedo while Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ watch.

Logic Man - I fail to see the logic in configuring this torpedo for a manual launch. You must be aware that the Romulan's have repaired their engines and will simply dodge the tricobalt torpedo as soon as it leaves the launch tube.

Genocide - I'm configuring it to home in on a target.

Logic Man - For what purpose?

Genocide - So it will hit it's target which isn't exactly in line with the launcher right now.

Logic Man - Why?

Genocide - Because that's the plan! Stop asking questions and let me work.

Logic Man - But you already _have_ a modified tricobalt torpedo. Why are you reconfiguring another one?

Genocide (annoyed) - Because, that's, part, of, the, plan!

Senseless - Senseless to Genocide, we don't have any more time! Launch, NOW!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks! Genocide looks at the rows and rows of quantum and photon torpedoes, then at the two tricobalt warheads in front of him, and realizes he's in the worst part of the ship right now.

Genocide - Ah screw it!

With a heave he shoves the half-gutted torpedo to one side, grabs a hold of Binky, and shoves him in the torpedo tube. He hits a button which closes the hatch, then another which fires Binky out the tube. Out of shear luck, or just maybe because this is that way I want it to happen, Binky ends up hitting the Romulan warbird square in the front. On the Romulan bridge, the viewscreen blows open and Binky flies in and hits Spliff square in the chest.

Spliff (gasping) - ENGAGE THE CLOAK!

Binky - WHEE! WHEE!

As the ship cloaks, the tacheyon surge triggers a temporal portal to form, but through some combination of the gushing wind and cloaking ship, the temporal portal becomes super big and swallows the whole ship, teleporting it across time and space to an unknown destination. Back in the torpedo tube, Genocide preps the other tricobalt warhead as Logic Man freaks out behind him.

Logic Man - That was highly illogical! WHY DID YOU _DO_ THAT!

Genocide - You want to join him?

Logic Man - No.

Genocide - Then shut up, you stupid Vulcan!

He pulls on a breaker and the torpedo fires. Camera goes out into space as the glowing white torpedo flies out under the bottom of the "saucer" (or whatever you want to call it), up through the middle of the two hull prongs, across the hull, and straight into the bridge. On the bridge.

Tener - Three fives.

Thug #3 - Cheat!

WHAM! The bridge buckles under the impact, pushing down the roof, splintering the ceiling beams, and making a air bubble which shatters the consoles, all the glass, and the sensitive ears of the three Romulan Thugs present.

As Tener picks himself up, the doors explode and in run five yellow shirt NoNames with compression phaser rifles.

NoName #7 - GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!

The three thugs lay down and put their hands on their heads as the NoNames poke them in the ribs with phasers.

Thug #3 - But tell me, was I right?

Tener - Yeah, it was two tens and a jack.

Thug #3 - HA! You have to take all those cards! That sort of made my day!

NoName #7 - DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK!

The other four NoNames escort the Romulan Thugs and Tener off the bridge. NoName #7 remains.

NoName #7 - Yep, I see a promotion in my near future.

With the camera on his face, the ceiling finally gives way and a breach forms.

NoName #7 - God damn it.

Swoosh!

Scene 14 - In the corridor just outside the battle bridge, Genocide, Bios, Center, Puker, Tener, Blavik, Senseless, Baque, and Greaser all meet up.

Greaser - It worked?

Baque - Yeah it...Wait, where have you been?

Greaser - I've been busy replacing that stupid warp core THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Baque - Is it done?

Greaser - Yes it's done!

Baque - Score! Holomatch time!

Center - Does it even bother either of you that the Captain is gone!

Baque - No, I can't say that it does.

Center - Why are you smiling, Doctor?

Puker - He, he, he.

Then, Righteous rounds a corner.

Righteous - Hi guys! Great things those holoemitters, aren't they?

Puker - We beamed him to transporter room three when we saw the Romulan boarding party coming in.

Greaser - And?

Senseless - When Commander Spliff asked for him we simply transported him to a room with a dampening field and activated the holoemitters.

Genocide - Yeah, and the best part of all is that Logic Man decided to leave now that I got rid of the only thing that would be his sidekick.

Blavik - Most logical. We even got to beam that chip out of the Captain's head.

Center - How come I wasn't told about all this.

Senseless - We need a little humour in our lives now and that I must say.

Tener - So all's well that–

Puker - That's my line! Well, all's well that ends well. We found out why the Captain was acting weird, got rid of a possible source of a recurring character, replaced the warp core, and got to watch Genocide beat Righteous to a bloody pulp with a lead pipe.

Baque - Well maybe we'll see it again. Holodeck 1, five minutes, losers have to work double duty for the next two days.

Bios - Um, bad news about that.

Genocide - Uh oh.

Bios - Projecting the Captain's holographic template such a far distance was too much of a strain on the EPS system. Most of the secondary systems are fried, including holodecks.

Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."


	19. Celestial 19

Celestial Parodies No sense, no sense at all, because this is Star Trek! 

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Star Trek: Celestial #19: Tripping Over Loose Ends 

Celestial #19 - Tripping Over Loose Ends

By Swordtail

Started March 4, 2006

Finished March 16, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera flies through San Francisco and towards one of the tallest skyscrapers. A seagull gets hit by an air car as the camera moves through a window into an office with a chair's back to the window. As the camera pans around to face the chair we see Fleet Admiral Spot laying on the table playing with a ball of yarn.

Spot - Purr...

Suddenly, the doors burst open and in walk Admiral Nelix, Admiral Ross, and Admiral Janeway. Spot jumps and throws the ball of yarn out the open window where it falls 147 stories and hits some pedestrian in the head.

Spot - HISS! What do you people want!

Nelix, Ross, Janeway - We've located Chester's home planet!

Spot - Where!

Ross - We tracked the OSS Scratchingpost and the zombie ship to a remote class-M moon in the Bomai sector. The planet was once a mining colony but now supports a population of 100,000, all grouped into one large city.

Nelix - We've turned all our listening satellites onto that planet and we'll know his activities all the way down to what one of his henchman is having for supper. Which, by the way, is marinated crab with brown rice.

Spot - Well what are we waiting for? Send every available ship.

Janeway - Unfortunately most of our ships are currently busy in the fight into Breen space. I've dispatched Voyager but it will take about two days to get there at maximum warp. There is one ship within 12 hours distance of the planet, though. It's the–

Spot - Wait, don't tell me. I already know what ship you're going to say it is. It's their series after all. Very well people, good work. I'll contact this ship and give them their orders. Dismissed.

The three other admirals leave. Spot turns to her computer.

Spot - Computer, open a secure, priority one channel to the USS Celestial.

Computer - You told me to shoot you the next time you asked to contact Righteous. Does that order still stand?

Spot - Um...ask me next time. Transmit.

Opening credits: Don't worry, it'll be over soon. Theme song: Session by Linkin Park

Scene 2 - The Celestial's briefing room. All of the senior staff are present. Currently, they are arguing about something.

Baque - Well I don't like it. Just because it's a Starfleet directive doesn't mean we should follow it.

Righteous - Lieutenant, I'm going to run this ship like Steven Harper ran Canada in the 2006 term.

Baque - Well it's a good thing I'm the piolet then.

Righteous - I meant without corruption, not into the ground.

Senseless - Both of you! Please! Let's just drop the subject. Now, Lieutenant Commander Greaser says that the new warp core is working fine so we can get back to doing our mission.

Bios - Which is..?

Genocide - The destruction of the Breen Confederation and their allies.

Righteous - No, the destruction of the Pah Wraiths and their followers.

Senseless - It's the peaceful exploration of space and the protection of the United Federation of Planets and our allies.

Baque - How about we change it to "To kick Righteous in the--"

Admiral Spot's holographic form appears in the middle of the table.

Spot - Wake up you sorry excuses for Starfleet officers!

Baque - Gah!

Righteous - Kitty!

Spot - I don't have much time so listen up. You are the nearest ship to the Bomai sector. We're transmitting a set of coordinates that we've tracked Chester and the zombies to. Go there and conduct an all out assault on their base. Capture them if possible, eliminate them otherwise. Do _not_ screw this one up! Do you all understand?

Righteous - Who is Chester?

Spot - HISS! THIS is why we're sending the USS Voyager NCC-74656-A along as backup. They'll arrive about a day after you get there.

Senseless - Ma'am, with all due respect, this is suicide!

Spot - No, screwing this mission up in any way possible is suicide. You've all been to hell, so you should know that hell hath no wrath like that of an angry feline. No, I'm serious, guys. Something bad is coming your way. I can feel it. You _have_ to get this mission right or I might not be able to help you when the kitty litter hits the fan. Spot out.

The holo-communicator deactivates.

Righteous - Are we under any obligation to actually follow these orders?

Senseless - Yes we are, sir.

Righteous - Bummer. Helm boy, set a course for wherever the heck Admiral Spot wants to send us.

Baque - Would you STOP calling me that?

Scene 3 - Space...yeah that's about it. Oh wait, the Celestial zooms by at warp speeds and then drops out of warp, stalls, sputters, and then goes back into warp, and keeps going. On the bridge...

Righteous - Estimated time of arrival?

Baque - Twenty seconds less than it was the last time you asked.

Bios - Commander, we're not going to have to deal with that evil Macrosoft programmer again, are we?

Senseless - I'd count on it if I were you.

Tener - And the zombies?

Senseless - Our orders are to take those out as well.

Genocide - Good. More target practice.

Greaser - Are we forgetting anyone?

Genocide- No, we remembered to include Tener in this mission this time.

Tener - Real funny, sir.

Greaser - I meant our enemies.

Baque - Deranged cat, evil nerd, persons of low cellular cohesion...nope, I don't think we're forgetting anyone.

Righteous - Ok.

Long pause. The sound of the environmental fans and the hum of the EPS grid can be heard, among beeps and whirs of bridge controls.

Righteous - So who's up for a game of twister?

Scene 4 - On some stupid planet (moon, whatever!) in the Bomai sector, Chester, the current leader of the Orion Syndicate, is in his lair inside the OSS Scratchingpost (which is hovering over a city), laying on his desk playing with a ball of barbed wire.

Chester - Purr...

And, not unexpectedly, Dr. Will Doores, the zombie leader (the maintenance guy), and some random no-name we'll call Henchman #1 burst in.

Chester - HISS!

He tosses the ball of wire out the opened window where it rolls down the hull and then proceeds to fall 1000 metres and kills some random generic civilian on the ground.

Chester - What do you people want!

Zombie #1 - Urgg. Ship coming. Need ship parts now. Can't wait.

Doores - The Federation starship Celestial, site of one of my most ingenious works of programming, is approaching this location at warp 9. They will be here in less than two hours.

Chester - What? How did they find us?

Henchman #1 - I'd hazard a guess it's got something to do with trying to hide two galaxy class starships by hovering them in plain view over a city! IDIOT!

Chester takes out a phaser and vaporizes Henchman #1.

Chester - I hate it when my underlings outsmart me. Now, Mr. Zombie. You were saying something about ship parts...?

Dr. Doores - He needs that weapon right away. If the Celestial gets here, they'll most likely level the entire city.

Chester - Those Starfleet SOB's wouldn't dare harm a civilian population.

Doores - I once met their chief tactical officer. Trust me, nothing will stop _him_ from killing us.

Chester - Alright take what you need. Doctor, see they get it installed correctly.

Zombie #1 - Urrg.

Chester - Now, get out before I decide to do a violent shift rotation.

Scene 5 - The Celestial flies through space at warp speeds.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 434668.7. We are still en route to Chester's base of operations. I don't see why we just can't enlist the help of the Prophets and wipe them from the face of the universe, but I suppose Starfleet Command has it's reasons. So, we currently have no plan so I went down to Engineering to figure one out.

Camera is in engineering. Righteous, Senseless, Center and Greaser are present and standing near a console.

Greaser - Dumb idea.

Center - It is not!

Righteous - See? At least _someone_ sees the brilliance in ramming the OSS Scratchingpost at maximum warp.

Senseless - Captain, all our momentum would be converted to energy and the explosion would destroy us, the entire planet, and probably most of the system.

Righteous - Nonsense. Everyone knows you can't destroy a planet without the Prophets' help.

Senseless - Sir, we witnessed it back in December, remember?

Righteous - Oh, yeah, the Cardassians...I forgot. Ok, so what do we do then?

Greaser - Best option is to go in with phasers firing and lay waste to the whole area.

Senseless - There's a whole civilian city beneath that ship. We can't just go in and shoot everywhere.

Righteous - Yeah, kinda funny they parked themselves even lower that normal. Almost like they were expecting us to come looking for them...

Senseless - Funny how we never figure that out until now, but you're probably right sir. We just need to use that to our advantage.

Center - Chester may be a sitting duck, but what about the zombie ship? The stolen Borg cutting beam? The terrible paint job they did to the Scratchingpost?

Greaser - I think Dr. Puker is working on a bio weapon for use against the zombies. The cutting beam could be a problem though. Last time they fired it at us it vaporised the warp core and killed Tener. He came back, warp core didn't. I'd rather not lose another core. Starfleet refused to replace our spare one that we were forced to use so we're fresh out of warp cores if this one gets destroyed.

Righteous - And the poor paint job?

Senseless - Don't worry about it sir.

Righteous - Ok then. I'll be on the bridge if anyone needs me.

Righteous leaves the room.

Greaser - So...is _he_ coming up with out assault plan?

Senseless - Oh, probably.

Greaser - Hmm...When's Voyager getting here again?

Scene 6 - Bridge of the Celestial. Baque, Genocide, and Bios are present and at their stations. Blavik and Puker are standing behind the railing behind the command chairs.

Baque - Now, I think we have time: Three Vulcans walk into a bar and order some bloodwine. The bartender gives them an odd look but proceeds with the order. While he is looking for the bottle, the vulcans get up and start dancing and singing around the room. Dumbfounded, the bartender nearly overflows the cups but as soon as the drinks are poured the three Vulcans stop their noise making and sit down and start drinking. Then the bartender asks—

Genocide - SHT!

Baque - Damn it I _never_ get to finish that joke!

Bios - What a crying shame.

Genocide - The zombie ship is approaching at warp 6.

Puker - Oh crap! The bioweapon isn't ready! Try to evade them while we work. Come on, Ensign.

Genocide - All hands, battlestations.

Puker and Blavik leave the room. A few seconds later, camera goes out into space and watches as the two ships drop out of warp and face each other. The zombie ship takes the first shot, firing a wide green beam from a newly attached launcher on the bottom of the saucer. The beam skims the starboard side of the Celestial as it tries to evade. It cuts through the hull and goes out the back of the forward section, nearly hitting the starboard nacelle pylon as it passes through. On the bridge...

Bios - Hull breach on deck 9! Emergency forcefields are holding.

Genocide - A Borg cutting beam! How cute...evasive manoeuvres!

Baque - Remodulate the shields, I can't shake them.

The ship rocks again.

Bios - Hull breach on decks 13, 14, 15, and 16. We've lost the aft sensor array.

Genocide - That beam is passing through our shields as if they weren't there. There's no way to stop it.

Baque - Then hit them with everything we have!

Camera goes out into space as the Celestial fires it's two forward phaser arrays, four photon torpedoes, a rubber chicken, lead pipes, several torpedo-encased crewmen from the morgue, and tonnes and tonnes of forks and knives (I'm sure I've done this before...oh well!). Camera goes back to the bridge, where Righteous, Senseless, and Center have arrived.

Senseless - Report.

Genocide - No damage to their weapons. They're evading our _phasers_ somehow!

Righteous - When will that bioweapon be ready?

Bios - Not soon enough. The doctor says he needs at least another hour or so.

Righteous - Then I believe the best option is to put our heads between our legs and kiss our–

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Bios - Port nacelle pylon! The cutting beam took out the main warp plasma conduit! We're venting plasma!

Center - Communications are failing! If we're going to call for help, we'd better do it now.

Senseless - Get us out of here, maximum warp!

Baque - Setting course out of here, warp 9.936.

Center - We can go that fast with only one nacelle?

Baque - Yep, good 'ole redundant systems.

Righteous - By all means helm boy, engage!

Camera watches as the Celestial turns to go to warp. The zombie ship fires it's weapon one last time and puts a hole through all 9 decks of the forward section. Despite the damage, the Celestial still manages to go to warp. On the bridge, the crew hold on to their consoles for dear overworked life as the bridge explodes around them. Finally, the shaking and sparking stops.

Senseless - Did we lose them?

Bios - Them and most of us. I'm reading that we've lost a major portion of our outer hull. Repairs will be extensive and time consuming.

Righteous - Bummer. Are we back on a course for that unnamed planet?

Baque - Yeah we are.

Center's console is beeping.

Center - Sir, I'm picking up a sovereign class starship heading this way. I think it's Voyager.

Righteous - I thought we weren't going to have any fan ships in this series!

Senseless - Sir, we're _on_ a fan ship!

Righteous - Not in my world we aren't. Hail Voyager.

Captain Chakotay appears on the screen.

Righteous - Hi, Captain Chuckles.

Chakotay - It's CHAKOTAY! Now, do you need assistance? We detected Borg weapons signatures on your hull and several large holes.

Senseless - We do need to stop and repair. I thought you weren't supposed to be here for another 24 hours?

Chakotay - Well, when you travel 70,000 lightyears in 7 years, you learn a thing or two about shortcuts.

Senseless - Naturally. There's a class 4 nebula half a lightyear from here. Let's stop there and make repairs.

Chakotay - Very well. We'll follow you. Voyager out.

Righteous - Bye!

Beep!

Senseless - Set a course.

Baque - Whatever.

Scene 7 - Celestial's briefing room. All the Celestial senior staff are present, as are Captain Chakotay, and Lieutenant-Commander Vorik.

Senseless - This is getting ridiculous. Why is it every time the radioactive mutant zombie no-names are involved the plot line goes down the crapper?

Righteous - They do have that effect.

Chakotay - We weren't told much. Who is Chester?

Righteous - He's a kitty cat! A fluffy kitty cat!

Senseless - Apparently the same thing that happened to Admiral Nelix and Admiral Spot happened to him and he became sentient. He had no trouble at all of escaping from O'Brien's life and ended up as the leader of the Orion Syndicate. He stole a Galaxy class starship and modified it to operate as his flagship. He formed an alliance with the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia.

Vorik - How do you intend to capture him?

Genocide - We don't. At least I don't. I want to kill him.

Baque - We've tried that before. It's never worked.

Genocide - There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Senseless (to Chakotay) - I don't suppose you have any suggestions?

Chakotay - I want to tell you a parable I heard as a child: There were three blind mice. They all ran up to the farmer's wife, who chopped off their tails with a carving knife.

The rest of the officers in the room stare at him. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background.

Greaser - How does that help us?

Chakotay - I'm not sure it does. Hold on, I have another: Three vulcans walk into a bar and order some–...

Baque - ...3...2...1...

NoName #1 - Bridge to Captain Righteous. The zombie ship has located us!

Senseless - Battlestations! Transporter room 1, beam Captain Chakotay and Commander Vorik to their ship.

The Celestial's senior staff leave the room as Chuckles and the vulcan guy dematerialize.

Scene 8 - Camera watches the nebula as the zombie ship enters it. Then, in classic cartoon fashion, the nebula undergoes severe and long lasting turbulence while phaser beams and torpedoes can be seen flying out of it. Loud explosions can be heard among the chaos and bits of debris can be seen flying out of the nebula with the ballistic ammo. After about a minute, the Celestial and Voyager come flying out of the nebula, all beat up. The zombie ship, also beat up, follows them. On the Celestial's bridge...

(All senior staff are present except the medical people)

Senseless - Do we have warp drive back at full capacity?

Greaser - Yes. Try it now.

Baque - Setting a course for the Bomai system, maximum warp.

Center - Captain Chakotay is hailing. He says he'll hold off the zombies as long as he can.

Righteous - That's nice of him.

Senseless - Engage.

The camera watches the Celestial jump to warp, again.

Scene 9 - Onboard the OSS Scrachingpost, Chester is becoming really pissed off really fast.

Chester - THOSE INCOMPETENT ZOMBIES! BARGE OF THE BRAIN DEAD, IS WHAT I CALL THEM! I GIVE THEM THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON I COULD STEAL AND THEY _STILL_ CAN'T DESTROY ONE MEASLY STARSHIP! GAH!

Dr. Doores - The Celestial and that other ship will be here in less than two hours.

Chester - Time for plan B

Doores - We have a plan B?

Chester - I always have a plan B.

Doores - Ok, what's plan B then?

Chester - Plan B is where I tell you to figure out a new plan.

Doores - Ah, I see.

Chester - Now go use some of that scrap metal you call computers and find a way to stop the Celestial.

Doores - Why don't you just warp away? You have a ship, after all.

Chester - Did I _ask_ you to point out the blindingly obvious solutions to my problems? No, I didn't! Go to work! Now!

Doores promptly turns and geekily runs from the room.

Scene 10 - Celestial, bridge. Everyone except Tener, Puker, and Blavik are present.

Baque - We've entered the Bomai system.

Righteous - Take us in.

Baque - Um, isn't that what I was doing?

Senseless - Drop out of warp and move toward Bomai Prime, full impulse.

Baque - Ok. So, once we capture Chester, and kill the zombies, we'll not have to worry about extra work anymore?

Righteous - I wouldn't count on it. After all, the zombies _are_ sort of our doing...

Genocide - I'm picking up small ships heading this way from the surface. Chester's getting desperate if he's sending sub-light ships after us.

Center - Why doesn't he just warp away from this system? He's done it before.

Bios - Probably for the same reason he's hovering over a city instead of sitting in orbit. I think his ship is too heavily damaged and can't go to warp. It's been through a lot lately. He doesn't have the fortune of a large shipyard and a tolerant and understanding fleet admiral.

Baque - Nelix and Spot are tolerant and understanding?

Senseless - Just to be on the safe side though, keep track of any ships that try to leave the system. Tag them if you can.

Bios - Sure sir.

Baque - We're entering weapons range of the Scratchingpost.

Senseless - Hold your fire, let's just see how willing he is to die. Hail them.

Center - Um, they're hailing us.

Righteous - On screen.

Instead of showing Chester or anyone at all, a white box pops up on the screen. Inside it are the words, "Do you want cheap life insurance? (Yes, No)."

Righteous - Cheap life insurance! HOW CAN WE LOSE! Click yes click yes click yes click yes please oh please oh please please please!

Senseless - Sir, it's probably a trap.

Righteous - Oh, alright. Click no, Ensign.

Bios - NO! DON'T CLICK ANYTHING!

Center - Gah, too late! Sorry!

The lights start flickering and the comm system starts beeping. On every console and wall monitor throughout the ship, tonnes of ads for everything from Fake Credible University Diplomas to 60 off all books bought HERE start filling the screens. On the bridge, the crew have their hands full trying to close the popups.

Bios - It's adware, sir! It's designed to download itself into our computer and bother us with useless advertisements. It's using up system resources at an ever increasing rate!

Genocide - How am I supposed to fire at anything if ads for affordable housing keep covering the targeting display?

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, stop this! Now!

Bios - I'm trying sir, but I don't think I can–ah oh! It's gotten into the holographic mainframe.

Then, holographic boxes sided with ads start appearing throughout the bridge. And elsewhere...Camera is in the messhall. A box selling quality Cajun foods are bothering the crew. A noname reaches for it, but it is quickly replaced by an add for Geico car insurance.

NoName #2 - Damn. Lost another meal to Geico...

Camera is in sickbay. Ads for Canadian Style Pharmaceuticals are annoying Dr. Puker and Ensign Blavik.

Puker - Great, as if the waiting lines weren't long enough, now this thing is blocking the door.

Blavik (reading) - ...Delivered right to your door...most logical...

Camera is in engineering. Greaser has found her way down there and is attempting to over ride something. A box displaying an ad for effective weight loss plans pops up behind her and starts beeping.

Greaser - OK! That's it! I've tried damn hard to keep the kilograms off and now this thing is telling me I'm fat! GAH! I AM NOT FAT!

She whips out a phaser and blows the box into it's constituent photons.

Camera is back on the bridge. Bios is slaving over her console while Senseless and Righteous are shooting the boxes with phasers whenever they try to cover a door or ventilation duct.

Senseless - Computers are supposed to be your area of expertise, Lieutenant!

Bios - Oh just give me a minute!

Righteous - AH! That one told me my horoscope said I'm going to die tomorrow! AHH!

Bios - F!

She hits the console with her fist and the holograms disappear.

Bios - Well, now we're getting somewhere.

She hits some more buttons and the ads on the consoles disappear as well.

Senseless - What did you do?

Bios - I ran Adaware and Spybot Search and Destroy. They've removed the adware, but a lot of memory was overwritten.

Genocide - I have weapons.

Senseless - Target their weapons array. Fire!

The Celestial shoots a phaser beam at the Scratchingpost. Onboard said ship...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Chester - Damn it, I thought you said this would work.

Doores - That was just the tip of the iceburg. I'm transmitting the second phase now. It's a virus which will find a vulnerable system and deactivate it. I call it Windows NT.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Senseless - Report.

Genocide - Direct hit to their dorsal phaser emitter. Minimum damage.

Center - Captain, we're being hailed again.

Baque - Block it!

Center - But Starfleet regulations clearly state we must respond to any and all attempts at communication from the enemy.

As Baque is about to say something, his console goes blank, as does the engineering consoles at the engineering station.

Baque - Ah oh...

Center - We're losing attitude control.

Baque - The next time you take a message from an enemy after they've screwed us over once before using that same method, I'll show you some loss of attitude control...

Righteous - That is, if we survive.

The bridge officers look toward the viewscreen as the planet (fine, _moon_) starts to become bigger.

Commercial break (sorry, but using all those ads means those companies have to be considered "sponsors" and need to have their commercials shown)

"Star Trek: Celestial is brought to you by the useless junk email filters provided by Hotmail!"

Scene 11 - Camera is on the USS Celestial as it nosedives through the planet's atmosphere. Camera goes to main engineering. Greaser, Tener, and tonnes of screaming no-names are present as the ship rocks around them and the emergency klaxons go off.

Greaser - Switch to manual control of the intermix ratio!

NoName #3 - No effect!

Greaser - Try rebooting the main computer!

NoName #4 - I can't get access to the computer systems!

Greaser - Divert emergency power to the auxiliary thrusters!

NoName #5 - They're already at 110 of normal operation!

Tener - It says here there's an overload in the starboard power coupling. Is that bad?

KA-BOOM! Ship lurches, steam and fire, NoName #3, 4, and 5 are killed instantly. Ten more no-names are injured badly.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, I've just lost my entire engineering team and half the consoles down here. Tell me Bios has had luck getting whatever that was out of our computers.

Senseless (over comm) - No. We're going to have to abandon ship. Get your people to the escape pods.

Center (also over comm) - Wait! Voyager's here!

The ship lurches and the camera goes outside to watch Voyager lock a tractor beam on the Celestial and pull them out of their dive. The sovereign class starship moves the Opaka class ship next to the modified Galaxy class ship. On the Celestial's bridge...

Chakotay (on viewscreen) - Hurry up and board their ship! We have to pull you back into orbit, the zombies are hot on our trail.

Righteous - Righteous to Lieutenant Tener, is your boarding party ready?

Tener (over comm) - Yes sir.

Righteous - Well then go capture the kitty cat and his supporters. And bring us back some cake and icecream if you have room in your party bags.

Tener - Yes sir, Tener out.

Camera goes to some airlock where Tener and his large team of yellow shirts are double-checking the settings on their compression phaser rifles.

Tener - Set to pulse mode.

NoName #6 - Check.

Tener - Heavy stun, everyone.

NoName #6 - What's with the party hats?

Tener - Captain's gift. Just wear them...

He pulls on his conical party hat, spins his noise maker, and opens the airlock. The twenty person boarding party run out across the top of the hull and jump onto the OSS Scratchingpost.

Tener (over the wind and whine of the tractor beams locked firmly on the Celestial and the Scratchingpost) - Alpha team, we'll enter through the ready room on deck 1. Beta and Gamma teams, come in through this deck and enter the bridge from below. Delta team, take main engineering.

NoNames - YEAH!

Tener - Alright let's move out!

Ten of the people, including Tener, run as fast as they can up the hull and climb over the dorsal phaser strip. Once Tener and a couple of his team are over, he says to the others:

Tener - Hurry, they could fire at any moment–

A glowing ball of phaser energy zooms along the phaser strip and fires upward at the spot where a NoName is climbing over the emitter.

NoName #7 - (sizzle) AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Tener - Oh well, just don't let it happen again.

Scene 12 - On the Scratchingpost's bridge, Chester is sitting in his cat chair and barking orders.

Chester - I DON'T CARE HOW THE ENGINES DON'T WORK RIGHT, WE NEED TO MOVE, NOW!

All of a sudden, the ready room doors explode inward and 9 Starfleet commandoes barge onto the bridge, shooting everything in sight.

Tener - Now, which one of you is Chester?

Chester - Gee, I don't know...

Tener - Right, the cat.

Chester - Not so fast...you see, I know your weakness...CUE THE ZOMBIES!

The turbolift doors open and 6 zombies, lead by Zombie #1, enter the bridge.

Zombies - Urgg!

Tener - IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET IN THE BOMAI SECTOR! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The other nonames start blasting at the undead soldiers while Tener runs back and forth screaming like a little girl. He finally gets his act together and targets his phaser on Zombie #1.

Tener - If I kill you, it's game over for your kind!

He fires, but the shots just blow holes through the dead guy and he keeps coming toward Tener, who taps his combadge.

Tener - Lieutenant Tener to Dr. Puker, a little help please?

Puker - Stand by.

With about two metres between Tener and Zombie #1, a hum fills the room and a Federation Type II Photon torpedo materializes between Tener and his nemesis.

Zombie #1 - Urgg?

The ambient sound the torpedo makes starts to increase it's pitch and get louder.

NoName #8 - SHE'S GONNA BLOW!

Everyone in the room ducks and covers their heads, waiting for the end to come. Then, the torpedo makes a low "pop" sound and a mini-crossbow pops up out of the casing and fires a small dart at Zombie #1, Tener, Chester, and everyone else in range.

Chester - What's this, a tetnis shot?

Doores - What was in this? Was it AIDS?

Zombie #1 raises his hand to add something, but as he opens his mouth, his arm falls off.

Chester - Ok I knew you people were a little old and decrepit, but seriously!

Zombie #1 falls over and turns to dust. Shortly afterward, every other zombie in the room starts writhing and falling apart. They too turn to dust.

Doores - Oh boy...

Senseless - Celestial to Lieutenant Tener, what happened over there? The zombie ship was attacking Voyager, but just stopped and is drifting around now!

Tener - It's over sir. The radioactive mutant zombie nonames from a planet near Cardassia are no more. As is the Orion syndicate.

Chester - Oh that's what YOU think! So long, suckers!

He presses a button on the arm of his chair, which makes the commander's seat eject through the roof.

Chester - Ah crap! I installed the ejection seat in the wrong chair! DAMN IT!

Tener - Well I do believe you'll be coming with us. You too doctor!

Doores - You'll never take me alive! I shall smite you with my mighty sword of doom! Just let me get my D20 out so I can see if it hits or not...

He takes an odd shaped die out of his pocket and rolls it on the floor.

Doores - Ah crap, it misses. No matter, I'll just RUN AWAY!

The computer nerd takes off running around the room.

Tener (to NoName #8) - Just stun him, will ya?

Bzzzt!

Chester - If you think I'll tell you anything about the Syndicate, you're going to be very disappointed.

Tener - Away team to Celestial, beam Alpha team back along with Chester and Dr. Will Doores.

Center - Yes sir.

Tener turns toward Chester and grins.

Tener - And tell sickbay to get the _bathtub_ ready...

Chester - (gulp)!

Scene 13 - Earth Spacedock. The Celestial and Voyager flies in through the space doors. Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Greaser, Puker, Tener, Baque, Bios, Blavik, Center, Chakotay, and some NoNames are celebrating the end of the Orion Syndicate.

Bios - Ever noticed how these mushroom shaped starbases seem to have gotten lot bigger in the last 90 years?

Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix walk in.

Senseless - Ma'am!

Spot - At ease, we just beamed over. I take it everything went OK?

Righteous - Well we had a few setbacks but other than that no problems. We'll need about 40 replacement crewmen, a bunch of hull plates, and we'll need those holes fixed.

Spot - I think we can arrange that, can't we Admiral?

Nelix - Yes I think we can. If I didn't know better, I'd say your crew and even you acted in a competent manner for once. Looks like I lost the bet to Janeway...Where the hell am I going to get fifty megatonnes of coffee beans?

The messhall doors open and a soaking wet Chester runs through, covered in soap bubbles. Two NoNames with sponges and scratches on their arms follow him.

Chester - DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE _LAWS_ AGAINST THIS KIND OF THING!

Chester and the NoNames leave run through the other doors.

Puker - Well, all's well that ends well, and this is the fifth time I've said that, at least. We captured Chester, eliminated the zombies, took one more hacker off the net, and dealt a serious blow to the Orion Syndicate. Not only that, but we managed to keep our ship in one piece this time too. For the most part, anyway.

Greaser - Whatever happened to Logic Man, Commander Spliff, or Binky the Mistreated Targ?

Blavik - Logic Man was self-sentenced to three years in prison for having an annoying song sung about him without the proper licences. Commander Spliff is probably dead, seeing as that temporal anomaly would have caused his ship's warp core to overload. As for Binky the Mistreated Targ, I doubt we've seen the last of him.

While no one is watching a temporal portal opens just outside the station and a large explosion comes out. Propelled forward by the blast is Binky the Mistreated Targ who flies through the doors but gets his tail stuck as they close shut.

Binky - (no one can hear you scream in space!)!

Camera goes back to the Celestial.

Spot - How is morale holding up?

Genocide - Couldn't be better.

Nelix - Good because we're sending you to the front lines first thing tomorrow.

Genocide - God DAMN it I love my job!

The End

USS Celestial - Ninth Fleet

NCC - 80164

"Defend only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around."

NoName #9 - Pie!

* * *

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(c)2006 USS Celestial Productions. All rights made up.


	20. Celestial 20

Celestial #20: What You Forget to Leave Behind

By Swordtail

Started March 21, 2006

Finished April 5, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is following a Breen ship as it flies through space. Then, out of nowhere, a blue torpedo slams into it, followed by three phaser blasts and another torpedo. The Breen ship explodes and the USS Celestial flies through the wreckage and gets all scratched up. The camera zooms out to show hundreds of ships of Federation, Klingon, and Breen origin fighting around a planet. The Celestial destroys a small Breen ship before the camera goes to the bridge. All bridge staff are present.

Genocide - Target destroyed.

Righteous - And the Prophets smiled down upon the victors, saying–

Baque - We don't need a religious sermon every time we blow up a damn ship!

Senseless - Bring us about and find the biggest Breen ship you can.

Bios - Got it. There's a dreadnought bearing 315 mark 731.

Center - The Saratoga is already engaging it.

Senseless - Let's give them a hand then.

Righteous - "And go forth, yee mortals, and bring peace to the universe!"

Baque - I'll take that as a "make it so."

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Center - Secondary deflector is offline, shields at 83.

Genocide - Target locked.

Senseless - Fire.

Boom, ship rocks.

Bios - A destroyer has locked onto us.

Righteous - Smite the wicked ones!

Genocide - How about ignoring it in favour of finishing off his big brother here?

Righteous - That works too.

Genocide - Permission to use a tricobalt torpedo? They're engines are offline.

Senseless - Granted.

Genocide - I have their warp core in my sights.

Senseless - ...Fire!

Camera goes into space as the Celestial launches a glowing white torpedo which smashes into the Breen ship, destroying it. On the Bridge...

Genocide - Yeah! 27! Beat THAT, Defiant!

Senseless - Find another target.

Genocide - There aren't many left to choose from.

Righteous - Then I think it's time to end this. Bring us within weapons range of the Breen homeworld. Prepare to target their largest city.

Senseless - Sir?

Righteous - Admiral Spot made me promise not to leave until they're largest city burned. Or maybe it was something to do with not getting burned up unless we take their largest city with us...either way...

Genocide - Firing...

Center - Sir! We're receiving a wide band communication from the Breen. They say they're surrendering!

Genocide - Oops, too late!

Righteous - Well, as I'm sure Vaughn would say if he were here, all's well that ends well. We've defeated the Breen, and, um...scored 27 kills and one massacre, and, um, yeah, that's about it.

Admiral Nelix (over comm) - This is the USS Scratchingpost to all ships. Fleets 4, 7, and 12 will remain to hold the system. All other fleets will return to your designated ship yards for repairs and shore leave. Scratchingpost out.

Baque - He's awfully nice today.

Bios - He's been ecstatic ever since he got his own flagship from Chester.

Righteous - Helm boy, set a course for Earth Spacedock, warp 7.

Baque - STOP! CALLING! ME! THAT!

Righteous - Engage!

Opening credits. Theme song: Session. Don't worry, this will probably be the last time you hear it...until the series goes into syndication :D

Scene 2 - Camera is panning around the inside of the Earth spacedock, where the Celestial, Saratoga, and Scratchingpost are parked.

Righteous - Captain's log, stardate 435701.7. We've been sitting around for a week doing absolutely nothing while we wait for our new orders. My guess is that there's a whole bunch of paperwork they have to go through with regards to the end of the war and they just haven't gotten around to sending us off on another mission yet. In the meantime, I'm off to see Admiral Spot to ask her why the spacedock seems to have almost quadrupled in size since the time of Captain Kirk.

Righteous enters Admiral Spot's office. Spot is there.

Righteous - I want to know why my ship fits easily inside this station while the original Enterprise barely went through...ma'am!

Spot - We build bigger ships, we build bigger stations. It's that simple. This one began construction almost 30 years ago and it's still not completely done. Is that all you came in here to ask me about?

Righteous - Actually I'd like to know why my crew is bored out of our skulls doing nothing.

Spot - You want a mission?

Righteous - No, I want a shrine opened up on this station so we can all pray and have a grand old time.

Spot - How about a mission?

Righteous - That would be OK, I guess.

Spot - Ok. Go round up Lieutenant-Commander Genocide and bring him level 115, section 83, room 115324:

Righteous - Why?

Spot - Military hearing.

Righteous - What?

Spot - The war's over, and now we need to investigate the things that went wrong during the war.

Righteous - No, what's a military hearing?

Spot - You'll find out when you get there.

Righteous - Well it wouldn't be fair to my crew if I sent them into things I know nothing about, now would it?

Spot - That's never stopped you before.

Righteous - How come you never say "meow pur hiss" anymore?

Spot - I got a better universal translator. And is your attention span _always_ this short?

Righteous - Sometime's it's shorter!

Spot - Just go get your tactical officer and bring him the place I said to.

Righteous - Which was...?

Spot - Grr...Just go get Genocide and take him to room 115324!

Righteous - I can do that!

Righteous leaves and Spot writes something down on his record.

Spot - Can...understand...menial...tasks...when...explained...in...simple...terms.

Scene 3 - Celestial's bridge. Ensign Center is pressing some buttons when something on his console starts beeping.

Center - What the..? Ensign Center to Lieutenant Tener.

Tener - Tener here. Now what?

Center - I'm reading that the tricobalt torpedo loader just went offline. Should I go check it out sir?

Tener - Oh...Nah, I'll go. I'm nearby anyway. Tener out.

Camera goes to Tener who walks around a corner and sees two NoNames carrying away a tricobalt torpedo on an anti-gravity sled. Tener goes up to the guy who seems to be in charge.

Tener - What's going on here? Why are you taking away all the tricobalt torpedoes?

Guy Who Seems To Be In Charge - Orders. We're replacing the tricobalt loader with a multiphasic sensor array.

Tener - But we already have one!

Guy - Now you have two.

Tener - Why are you doing this?

Guy - We're refitting the Celestial to act primarily as an exploration vessel. We've been ordered to remove almost 35 of the ships armaments.

Tener - Oh Commander Genocide won't like that at all!

Guy - With all due respect Lieutenant, I don't think Commander Genocide going to have anything to say about it. Now, I have to get back to work.

He pushes past Tener, who stands still, shocked at the fact his ship is being retrofitted without his knowledge. The guy person can be heard off screen.

Guy - Be careful with that detonator!

Tener flinches as a loud BOOM! fills the corridor.

Scene 4 - Two security guards bring Genocide into a large dark room. Inside, seated behind a long table, are Admiral Ross, Fleet Admrial Necheyev, Admiral Owen Paris, Fleet Admiral Spot, and Admiral Nelix.

Genocide - Why am I here!

Ross - Lieutenant Commander, please sit down.

Genocide takes his seat and Admiral Necheyev picks up a PADD and starts reading it.

Necheyev - Lieutenant-Commander Nick Genocide–

Genocide - ...I hate that name...

Necheyev - --You are under investigation for disobeying direct orders on at least a dozen occasions,–

Genocide - All lies!

Necheyev - --Being directly responsible for massive amounts of damage to your ship and others,--

Genocide - OK, that _might_ have slivers of truth in it...

Necheyev - --And being criminally insane.

Genocide - I won't deny that one...

Necheyev - If found guilty, you face dishonourable discharge from Starfleet and 50 years in a maximum security prison. How do you plea?

Genocide - Gah, innocent!

The admirals all look at each other. Spot whispers to Janeway:

Spot - They _always _say that!

Necheyev - Very well, since you have the right to an attorney, this court will be in recess until tomorrow at 0900 station time. Be ready.

Necheyev picks up the claw covered spark ball the Klingons use and slams it down on the table. All the admirals get up to leave.

Genocide - God damn it!

Scene 5 - Commander Senseless is walking down a hallway in the spacedock when Bios and Tener and Greaser run up to him.

Greaser - Commander, we need to talk!

Senseless - What is it?

Bios - I'm being transferred to the Saratoga!

Greaser - I've been ordered to make a complete inventory of every piece of technology on the bloody ship! Do you know how long that will take me?

Tener - The repair crews are retrofitting the ship without telling us about it!

Senseless - Woah, woah, woah! Slow down. Bios, are you serious?

Bios - Yes! I have the orders right here!

She passes a PADD to Senseless, who reads it.

Senseless - Hm..that's not right. There's supposed to be the Captain's signature on this.

Greaser - You know, I've heard stories and I think I'm due to be transferred as well. Why else would they make me do a ship-wide inventory on all systems and stuff and report it directly to Admiral Nelix?

Tener - They're taking out the weapons and putting in _sensor arrays_!

Senseless - Why wasn't I informed about all this?

Greaser - We'd like to know too.

Senseless - Well hang tight. I'll get to the bottom of this. Right now, I need to go find Genocide. I haven't seen him all morning and I was sure he was on duty. The computer says he's not on the ship.

Tener - I think I saw him going somewhere with the captain.

Senseless - No good ever comes out of going somewhere with the captain. I'd better go find him.

Righteous (over comm) - All senior staff report to the meeting place.

Senseless - Never mind then.

Scene 6 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present and yelling at Righteous.

Puker - What the _HELL_ is going on around here?

Genocide - Why am I being tried for crimes that previously I was not tried for?

Greaser - Why are me and Bios being transferred to other ships?

Righteous - Why are you all talking at once!

Senseless - Captain, do you even know the answers to these questions?

Righteous - I haven't a clue. Let's call Admiral Spot.

Center presses some buttons on the control panel at his place at the table and a few moments later the holographic display of Admiral Spot appears in the middle of the table.

Spot - What do you people want now?

Righteous - You know what we want!

Spot - Fine, I'll give you a fing mission, just to shut you up. Go once around the spacedock and scan for paint loss. Happy now?

Righteous - Actually we'd like to know why two of our people are being transferred and one is being put on trial.

Spot - Fine, I suppose you do deserve an explanation.

Righteous - Good.

Spot - Lieutenant Commander Genocide is being sentenced to a maximum security prison because he is a threat to the Federation itself. As for the rest of you, most of you are being demoted to the rank of Ensign and being reassigned to smaller, less dangerous ships. Righteous, _you_ are being kicked out of Starfleet, permanently! Commander Senseless, you will retain the rank of Lieutenant-Commander since you're probably the most competent person on your entire ship. Ensign Center and Ensign Blavik, since you're already Ensign's I don't see any reason to put you somewhere else so you'll stay on the Celestial. Which, by the way, is being placed under new leadership and being moved to the 12th fleet. Any questions?

Righteous - Bad.

Tener - My life as a main character, cut short!

Greaser - Hell fing no. I worked damn hard to get my rank.

Baque - Me too!

Puker - We all did!

Spot - Ah hem! Destroyed a Federation police ship, violated Breen space without Starfleet's knowledge, crashed on a Breen planet, reopened the wormhole to the Dominion, lured a Borg Tactical cube into the Alpha Quadrant, opened a fluidic rift, FAILED YOUR INSPECTION, destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge, destroyed the Federation monument, rigged the election, tried to assassinate one of the candidates for said election, unleashed armies of radioactive mutant zombie no-names, inflicted heavy damage to Jupiter Station, destroyed your bloody ship, screwed up the timeline, scratched the paint on a new bloody ship, devastated a taskforce by destroying a nebula, destroyed hell, gre'thor, etc...shall I go on?

Senseless - Um, the proverbial straws, ma'am?

Spot - More like proverbial pianos. Frankly, I'm surprised the Federation Council let your little parade of destruction go on as long as it did. It probably had something to do with the fact that we were so lacking in ships that we needed every person and everything we could get our paws on. So now that the war is over...

Righteous - We had the Prophets on our side the whole time. You can't say everything that went bad was a bad thing, or else the Prophets would have put a stop to it.

Spot - I don't care. Now, here's your assignments. Righteous, you will board the first transport back to Bajor that comes along. You can go on to be a Vedek or whatever; I really don't care. Senseless, you'll become Operations Officer for Starbase 117. Genocide, you'll probably end up in prison. Greaser, I suspect you'll be sent back to Utopia Planitia to work on the shipyards. Baque, you're fired! I don't care how well you can piolet a starship, because it seems that every time you leave a station you hit something! Go work for the civilian sector or something.

Baque - Well if you made the doors bigger...

Spot - Bios, you're being transferred to the science department on the Saratoga, as you already know.

Bios - Computer science?

Spot - I don't know or care. Tener, you're being transferred to the Lunar 1 colony to act as deputy chief of security.

Tener - The moon! What!

Spot - Doctor Puker, I'm sending you somewhere where you can't hurt anyone: Deep Space 14. It's a small stellar observatory some 6000 lightyears from here.

Puker - Oh, fun.

Spot - Blavik and Center, you're staying here, but Center, you will no longer be chief operations officer and Blavik you will remain working in the medical department in emergencies, but we're transferring you to molecular biology.

Center - Phooey.

Blavik - Most illogical.

Spot - Wait, Admiral Nelix wants to talk with you.

Admiral Spot walks off the holo-communicator platform and Admiral Nelix walks onto it.

Nelix - I just wanted to say how terribly happy I am that you all got what you all deserved. I can't tell you how utterly happy this makes me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must preform my victory dance.

Admiral Nelix starts jumping around and singing.

Nelix - I LIKE MITTENS, I LIKE SPRING N' FALL, BUT THE CELESTIAL I DO NOT LIKE AT ALL! MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!

Center kills the connection after receiving the signal from Righteous.

Righteous - So, now what?

Senseless - There isn't anything we can do. We just have to deal with it and move on. After all, it _was_ bound to happen eventually.

Righteous - So, do you think I still have a shot at Kai?

Baque - I wonder if I can still take a shot or two at you with a phaser...

Righteous - What?

Baque - I said you're a fing idiot.

Righteous - I'm beginning to get the impression that you don't like me, Lieutenant.

Baque - It's _CIVILIAN _thanks to you! Screw this, they can't fire me, I quit!

With that, Baque gets up and storms out of the room, hitting the "Slam Doors for Dramatic Effect" button on his way out.

Puker - OK then...

Genocide - Well it was nice knowing you guys, but I have to go to my trial now. Unfortunately, no one would volunteer to act as my legal counsel so I'll have to get some stupid NoName to do it.

Senseless - Well if that's all, for the last time, dismissed.

They all get up and leave the room. Righteous remains, looking quite depressed.

Scene 7 - Camera is panning around the Celestial which is still inside the spacedock.

Righteous - Captain's final log, stardate...ah, forget it. It turns out that there's no more spots for Vedek's in the Bajoran religious leadership, so I'm fresh out of jobs. I've looked up the protocols regarding "reluctantly handing over ships to new captains" and it says I should take all my stuff off the ship. Well, I think I have all of it. That being said, it appears as the voyages of the starship Celestial have come to an end. I just hope the new crew live up to the Prophet's expectations. End log.

Camera goes to a docking port on the outside of the station. Dr. Puker is entering a small transport while Tener, Blavik, and some NoName blueshirts say goodbye.

Puker - Feel free to drop in and visit every now and then.

Tener - Doc, you're going to the middle of nowhere. How are we going to visit?

Puker - Well, write then.

Blavik - An ionic nebula in the area blocks all communications.

Puker - Are you guys _trying_ to make this harder than it already is?

Tener - Yes. Bon voyage!

Puker - Yeah, yeah, bye now.

He gets on the transport and the door closes.

Tener - ...And good riddance.

He slams his hand down on a wooden railing, then recoils like he's been burnt.

Tener - OW! Splinter! Doc, wait up!

Scene 8 - Admiral Spot's office. Righteous and Senseless are present.

Senseless - So, who's the guy who is taking over the Celestial?

Spot - I'll bring him in here.

She presses a button on her console.

Spot - Send him in here, please.

The door opens and a Starfleet captain walks in. The creases in his uniform could cut nutronium and the shine on his boots would give Voyager's EMH's head a run for its money.

Captain - Captain Competant reporting as requested, ma'am.

While Captain Competant stands at attention to rigid that he looks like he's about to break something, Righteous stares him in the eye with a kind of angry look on his face.

Righteous - I don't like the look of you. I think you worship the Pah Wraiths.

Spot - Lee, he's human, not Bajoran. He's never even been to Bajor and I doubt he even knows that much about the Pah whatchamacallems.

Righteous - Oh, we'll see who gets the last laugh! WE'LL SEE!

Righteous turns around and storms out of the room. Admiral Spot just shakes her head.

Spot - Now, Captain, as you already know you'll be put in command of the USS Celestial NCC 80164. It's an Opaka class ship.

Competant - Opaka class, ma'am?

Spot - Yes. It was designed by a bunch of Bajoran bible thumpers and was proposed during the Sovereign project Phase II production line. We built one about three years ago: The first Celestial. Starfleet built another one about 8 months ago which ended up being a replacement for the first ship Righteous managed to blow up. The project has been scraped so don't expect any more ships like this coming off the assembly line any time soon. They're just too fast for their own damn good and don't hold together all that well. Although they have a normal cruising speed of warp 7, I wouldn't go much faster than that if you want to get where you're going in one piece.

Senseless - We did okay with it...

Spot - It has ten type XII phaser strips, two forward quantum and photon torpedo launchers, two rear torpedo launchers, primary shields and secondary forward shields, 20 decks, bio-neural gel packs, three holodecks, a standard crew capacity of 750, saucer separation capabilities, landing capabilities, optional variable geometry nacelles, ramming capabilities, full use of holographic systems, a battle bridge, and a top speed of warp 9.936.

Senseless - We've made it go faster before...

Spot - Are you still here, Lieutenant-Commander?

Senseless - I'm going, I'm going.

Senseless leaves the room.

Scene 9 - Out in space. The words "About one month later" appear on the screen, followed by the USS Celestial flying through.

Competant - Captain's log, stardate 434778.8. We've scanned sector 442 as throughly as we can and are currently en route to Starbase 118.

Camera is in a room with monitors covering the walls. On them are displays of DNA strands and various biological crap that no one cares about. In the middle of the room is Ensign Blavik who is currently spinning in her chair looking very bored, even for a Vulcan. Ensign Center enters the room, carrying a PADD.

Center (dryly) - New molecular filaments for you to categorize.

Blavik - Thank you.

Center plops down in one of the empty chairs and starts spinning in his as well.

Blavik - I'm not sure I would ever have said this, but things were certainly more interesting with our old colleagues.

Center - You'll get no argument from me. At times like this, I'd even tolerate them being insubordinate and rowdy and breaking stuff...

Blavik - Well maybe things will pick up in pace in a few weeks.

Center - That's what you said three weeks ago.

Blavik - Fascinating...

Center - That word again...

Pause...

Center - I wish something exciting would happen.

Blavik - Well, you could try that joke. I still have not heard it in entirety.

Center - Oh yeah! Three Vulcans walk into a bar and —

The red alert klaxons go off.

Competant - All hands, battle stations. This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill!

Blavik and Center - Boo yeah!

The both leave the room and head down the corridor. After running around for a few minutes doing nothing except looking for broken stuff or dying people, they meet up and head for the bridge. Once they're, they starts to get tid bits of the problem that's going on.

Competant - Any survivors?

NoName #1 - None, sir. I'm detecting a mass of debris that looks like it came from a group of escape pods, but all are destroyed. I'm also picking up biological residue in the wreckage as well. It looks like everyone was killed.

Competant - My God, there were over 3000 people on this station!

Blavik (to Center) - Wasn't Lieutenant-Commander Senseless on that station?

Center - Nah, that was starbase 117 you're thinking of.

Competant - Weapons signatures?

NoName #2 - I...I don't recognize them, but they're defiantly not Breen or Klingon, or Romulan or Cardassian...I'll have to cross check them with the database but...yep, I was right. It's the same signature the USS Voyager encountered when it faced off with Species 8472.

Competant - What! Impossible! Search for quantum singularities!

NoName #3 - I've found the remnants of one, bearing 663 mark 828. It is closed now, though.

Competant - Is there an ion trail leading anywhere other than to that singularity?

NoName #1 - Um...yeah...There's one leading directly for Earth...

Competant - Lay in a course for Earth, maximum warp!

NoName #2 - If there really is a Sra'xa'diin fleet out there, catching up with them will mean certain doom, sir.

Center - Ooh! I might be able to help with that!

Competant (ignoring him) - How far away can they be by now?

NoName #4 - Only a few hundred lightyears judging by the rate of ion decay.

Center - Hello!

Competant - I can't risk this ship and crew just to save Earth. We'll just have to send a message and hope they get it in time.

Center - **_EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!_**

Everyone on the bridge stops working and stares at him.

Center - Now, if you check the logs, you'll see that we once managed to do a quick jump using quantum slipstream technology. I think we can use it to get ahead of the Sra'xa'diin fleet and get to Earth in time to warn everyone.

Competant - Uh, you heard the ensign, slipstream, now!

Scene 10 - Earth Spacedock. Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are walking down a corridor somewhere in the station.

Spot - Well I can't say I'm not glad they're all gone. After all, it's been a lot less paperwork without them.

Nelix - Precisely what I said from the beginning.

Spot - At least with the Celestial out of they way, nothing bad can happen around here now.

As she finishes the sentence, the corridor explodes, sending both cats flying and hissing through the air. Camera goes out into space and looks at a large hole in the side of the spacedock's bottom part. Three Sra'xa'diin ships zoom by. Several Federation starships move to intercept. One, a Nebula class, is destroyed before it can even get off a shot, and the other four are disabled quickly. The three bioships start heading for Earth and enter the atmosphere. They are almost within range of San Fransisco when the USS Litterbox comes out of nowhere and hits them with a full volly of weed torpedoes (see Enterprise: Weed or Star Trek: The Next Generation: Weed for explanation...hehe). The three bioships lose attitude control and slam into the Pacific Ocean at full speed, creating a tidal wave which destroys much of the Los Angeles coast line. Camera goes to the bridge of the Litterbox where Captain Spot Jr. is sitting in his chair.

Spot Jr. - Wow, it's a good thing we kept those torpedoes on hand for emergencies just like this. Now, I doubt that will stop them for long so get to work on those nano-probe torpedoes.

NoName #5 - Yes sir.

Spot Jr. - But in the meantime, let's get back to the spacedock and give them a hand.

Scene 11 - An office on the moon. Tener is talking with Senseless's face on a monitor as the red alert klaxons sound and no-names run around frantically.

Senseless - How many casualties?

Tener - At least 800, maybe more. They're still searching through the damaged portions of the spacedock.

Senseless - In an unprovoked attack...

Tener - Well we know they once planned to attack the Federation, it would stand to reason they still might want to.

Senseless - I'd like to know how they managed to do it so fast.

Tener - You don't think...

Senseless - I'm afraid I do. Bob. He must have been lying to us the whole time. His mission wasn't just recreational, he was probably on a mission to collect intelligence on the Federation.

Tener - Well he _did_ have almost unlimited access to our ships' systems...

Senseless - Which means this would easily be our fault. Damn it! Is there any sign of more ships?

Tener - You could say that, sir. The entire subspace communications network is offline. Quantum singularities are opening everywhere, but for the most part only a few ships come out of each one. I'm not that high level here, but from what I can gather, we've lost about 50 ships, and around 30 starbases. There's also rumours that a colony was obliterated.

Senseless - I'm catching the first transport back to Earth that comes along. We're the only people to have had contact with species 8472 since Voyager and they might need our help. Contact Bajor and get Lee back here. He was the one who entered fluidic space so he probably knows more than he thinks he knows.

Tener - Yes sir. Good luck.

He turns off the screen as a no-name runs past.

NoName #6 - WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Tener - It'll be you first if you don't _shut the hell up!_

Scene 12 - A maximum security prison in San Fransisco. Genocide is sitting in his cell and playing a harmonica. His cellmate, a very annoyed looking Andorian, is giving him nasty looks.

Andorian - WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING THAT!

Genocide throws the harmonica at the Andorian.

Andorian - OW! Hey!

Genocide - AH, SHAD UP! It's bad enough I'm stuck in here for the next 50 years of my life, but having you piss all over my day isn't helping matters.

Andorian - Well, if you hadn't blown up our last toilet, forcing them to put us in a cell without one...

Genocide - Hey, it put a hole in the wall, didn't it?

Andorian - Well now we're on the 53rd floor so I hope you're happy. No way to get out now.

The Andorian throws his cup against the forcefield.

Andorian - Hey, guard! How about some water here? I'm losing all the colour from my skin!

However, the guard seems preoccupied with a view out the window. Genocide and the Andorian look out their window and see several Federation starships hovering over the water just offshore.

Genocide - What's going on?

All of a sudden, a bio-pulse beam comes out of the water and blows a hole through one of the ships. The other four ships starts hitting the water with everything they've got. Several large assault phaser beams come down from somewhere in orbit and vaporize large volumes of seawater, and apparently the ship within, since the shooting stops soon after.

Andorian - What the hell was that all about?

Genocide - I don't know, but somehow I bet I'll find out soon enough.

Scene 13 - Three years later...hehe, just kidding. Several hours later, Righteous is praying in a shrine on Bajor. A stupid and unimportant Bajoran walks in on him.

Righteous - What's up?

NoName #7 - There's a message for you coming through the subspace network. I think it's urgent. It came in right before the net crashed.

Righteous - Sounds important. I'll go check it out.

The NoName looks toward the Orb Righteous was kneeling next to.

NoName #7 - Which one is that?

Righteous - The Orb of Soliditude.

NoName #7 - Don't you mean the Orb of Solitude?

Righteous - Maybe. Not quite sure. Knock yourself out if you want to try it though.

Righteous leaves and NoName #7 looks toward the orb, which immediately turns him to stone. Righteous walks up to a terminal.

Righteous - Check inbox.

Terminal - You've got mono!

Righteous - No, no, _inbox, _not medbot!

Terminal - Sorry...Message reads as follows: Species 8472 attacking. Stop. All forces powerless to slow them. Stop. Starfleet might need your knowledge about fluidic space. Stop. Come to Earth ASAP. Stop. Blavik, this is your last warning! Stop that now! I'm trying to record a message for the captain! Stop that!

So, shortly later, Righteous is boarding a Bajoran ship, a large Orb in his hands. He walks up to a NoName.

Righteous - Here take this Orb of the Prophets to my quarters, please.

NoName #8 - Which one is it, sir?

Righteous - The Orb of Condemnation.

NoName #8 - You mean the Orb of Contemplation?

Righteous - Maybe. Not quite sure. I don't usually read the fine print on stuff that comes out of the Celestial Temple.

Righteous hands him the orb and walks away. NoName #8 glances around to make sure no one is watching, then opens the orb, which causes him to immediately burst into flames and die.

Scene 14 - The USS Celestial. On the bridge, Ensign Center stops pressing buttons and turns to Captain Competant.

Center - Sir, we're just about ready.

Ensign Blavik enters from the turbolift.

Blavik - The enhanced structural integrity field will cause a large amount of nucleonic radiation, but I've inoculated the crew so it shouldn't be a problem. The bridge staff are all that remain.

Competant - Make it such. How long until we can go to slipstream?

Center - Not long. We'll be in the stream only a few minutes. This ship's streamlined hull and warp field allows the slipstream to be smaller and tighter, and therefore faster.

Competant - Then when all is ready, make it such.

Blavik finishes injecting people with drugs and takes a seat on the left side of the Captain.

Center - Helm, modifications are ready.

NoName #3 - Plotting course for Earth, bringing main deflector online. The Sra'xa'diin fleet will arrive in the Sol system at about the same time we do so we'll have to go straight to tactical mode as soon as we exit slipstream. All systems report ready. Awaiting your order, sir.

Competant - Engage.

NoName #3 - Aye sir. Slipstream in 4...3...2...1...

Camera goes outside the ship and watches as a large bluish portal opens up and sucks the Celestial into it. Camera goes to the bridge.

NoName #2 - Oh, sht! We forgot to reset the odometer! Now we can't charge this trip to Starfleet! DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Center - I can't believe I stayed in Starfleet for this crap...

Scene 15 - Near Earth. Admiral Spot wakes up lying on a biobed, fur missing from her tail and a white plastic cone around her neck.

Spot - HISS! (What the HELL is this!)

NoName Doctor - I...was bored.

Spot - Meow pur (Why isn't my universal translator working?)

NoName Doctor - Damn it Admiral I'm a doctor, not a diagnostic program!

The NoName drops a PADD he had been working on and storms out of the room. Admiral Ross walks in.

Ross - How are you feeling?

Spot - Hiss pur meow (Like I've been some bratty kid's pet for a month. What the _hell_ happened?)

Ross - Species 8472 attacked Earth. We lost a few ships and a few thousand people, but nothing bad.

Spot - What prompted the attack?

Ross - No idea. Maybe it has something to do with the "101 reasons why biological ships suck" paper Dr. A. F. Itt sent into fluidic space a couple of weeks ago.

Spot - Uh...

Ross - Heh, just kidding.

Spot - Meow (So are there any more bioships heading this way?)

The room shakes as 8 bioships fly by the window.

Ross - Heading this way...probably not...already here...more than likely.

Camera goes out into space as seven of the bioships form a circle around the eighth. One by one they fire their bioweapons at the back of the central ship, all except one.

Central Bioship's Piolet (telepathically) - Hurry up!

Hesitant Bioship's Piolet - I was just thinking...it's very immoral to destroy the people who provided us with a defence against the nanoprobe bombs the Borg used on us.

Central Bioship's Piolet - Who cares?

Hesitant Bioship's Piolet - Good point.

The seventh bioship fires it's weapon at the back of the central ship and a large powerful biopulse beam flies out of the central ship, hits and reflects off a frozen beer ball, bounces off the side of the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey, goes through the side of the nearby Enterprise, reflects off Picard's shiny head, and zooms straight toward Earth.

To be continued...but it probably won't be

The End

Really

I'm done

NoName #9 - And just because no one said it yet, DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

* * *

_To anyone who is just reading this, there is a new season out now, under a different story...thing...yeah. Look through the Star Trek: Other section or whatever to find Star Trek: Celestial: Season 2 or something like that (Hey, I can't be expected to fully remember this stuff :P)  
_

_I'm pretty sure season 2 is worse than season 1. But hey, no negative comments as of yet...surprisingly...maybe the critics out there lost their lunch so fast they couldn't review :D_


End file.
